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First off, let me say that I will not turn this into a thread to badmouth my own parents. U= I know nobody wants to hear that. (although you are welcome to join in.... j/k)
The point of this thread is that growing up, I was NOT a welladjusted and confident kid. I had to find all that on my own as an adult. SO having kids now, it was always a challenge for me to raise kids when I was never around parents who did that. I had no one from whom to learn.
SO I want to share a few ideas.
1 Compliment and encourage often. Notice the things your kids do, and get involved. THis makes kids not only trustful of the parents, but it allows a degree of self esteem to develop by seeing that the parent cares about their interests, activites, schoolwork etc
2 Encourage them to explore. An intelligent child has a natural curiosity. Rather than giving them answers, help them explore ways to find them. The sense of accomplishment that comes with the "Ah- Ha" moment is invaluable to a childs ability to learn to solve problems. And the ability to figure things out will be a skill that is useful throughout life
3 Laugh together. Watch a funny TV show. Play a game, share jokes. Laughter is the best medicine.....and a well adjusted human has a good healthy sense of humor.
4 Be an example. Let them see you doing good for others. We used to have a routine of Friday morning donuts On the way to school, we left early, did not take the bus that day, and stopped at a local family run donut shop. It was a small cash only establishment. Once, a man was there who had no cash but only had a debit card. s we were leaving, I asked him if he was hungry and needed some money for a donut, he said "yes" So I gave him some money to buy himself a donut. The kids were telling me how nice that was of me to do that. I told them that we do not let others go hungry IF we have the ability to do something about it.
We now shop for a local food pantry a few times a year.
Learning to love others, to have a vested interest in the needs and well being of others an example of a self actualized person. It goes beyond basic charity, it goes to the empowerment of knowing that they as individuals have the ability to make a difference in someone else's life.
Another is the work ethic. Clean the kitchen after you cook, have them help. They will learn responsibility by being involved in the unpleasant household chores for which we do not have a maid at present.
I will stop here...for now. I have a few ideas, I listed them, but I am always interested in learning more. Education is a lifetime event, and learning something new every day keeps me from being bored.
You are doing a wonderful job! Thanks for taking time to list some of the wonderful things you are doing. As for me, I am not sure if I am doing anything extra to build confidence but yes, I do praise her often, hug her as much as I can, tell her that I love her and will be there for her all the time.
What I noticed in my 2 year old is that, she is very independent. So, I respect what she wants and make sure we get it done (As long as the wants are reasonable). She has small wants like wanting to take an extra-long bubble bath, wants to read a few extra books before going to bed, wants to be cuddled extra-long before going to bed etc. Also, I give her choices and she tells me what she wants. It makes her feel respected which is so important. More often than not we force our kids to do things our way (unknowingly that we are forcing them); if I make a conscious effort, my DD and I are much happier and share a respectful and loving relationship.
We are also in the process of creating our own little traditions/ routines. We love making cupcakes. Sometimes we donate them in the nearby shelters, sometimes her dad takes it to work, sometimes we eat it all.
Issue with #1....complimenting too often can have the reverse effect too.....maybe change that to compliment as appropriate. A child shouldn't be praised for doing every day tasks--that should just be expected, but if they go above and beyond--yes. Not good------I'm so proud that you did your homework today good-----I know you have been really busy lately but I'm am glad you made the choice to finish your paper vs going to the movie with Jenny. It's nice to see you making good choices.
I will also say that confidence building comes from within..however external forces can crush that quickly. Allow your child to be who he or she is and let them grow and that is the best way for them to become confident. If they are raised in an environment where everything is "dangerous" and with parents that think they need to "deal with" every minor thing....not good.
Don't constantly criticize. Kids need to be directed in the right way without being belittled and made to feel shameful. This isn't always as easy as it sounds. When we put our kids down a little bit of their soul and confidence dies.
Don't compare kids.
"Your brother never had that problem" or "Why can't your sister do it like you do". While we try not to have favorites, the truth is sometimes one child looks to be doing something better than the other but it is just different.
Don't let your kids hear you, the parents or adults in their lives hear you criticize them or their friends to other adults. If they hear you putting down their friends they begin to wonder if the parents of their friends do the same thing about you.
Don't direct each child in the same direction. One may be better in math while the other is better in science. Learn to accept each child for their individual personalty or talent.
Don't let your kids hear loud arguments between parents. of course they are going to hear fusses and see frustration and stress but when they hear loud arguments, doors slamming, people suddenly taking off it completely undermines the stability of the home and self confidence.
I think a lot of it has to do with personality, too...not everyone is born to be confident and have high self-esteem. Certainly not doing things like abusing them or bad mouthing them is going to help. But personality is inborn, and there is only so much you can do to maximize potential.
I think it's dangerous to assume you can guarantee an outcome with child rearing. I have 4 kids who are all as different as night and day.
Just nurture and love your children, and give them a safe and comfortable place to "bloom" into who they are.
I think a lot of it has to do with personality, too...not everyone is born to be confident and have high self-esteem. Certainly not doing things like abusing them or bad mouthing them is going to help. But personality is inborn, and there is only so much you can do to maximize potential.
I think it's dangerous to assume you can guarantee an outcome with child rearing. I have 4 kids who are all as different as night and day.
Just nurture and love your children, and give them a safe and comfortable place to "bloom" into who they are.
Great topic! I've noticed things too that are just in my boys' personalities. One is afraid to be in front of people (as in a piano recital) and I don't know how to help him get over that. I completely understand as I had to get over that fear in college (Public Spaking class). But overall, I just try to let them both know that I love them every day and do try to support them making their own decisions on little things (they're only 6).
My own parents did very little to prepare me for the world (similar to what the OP said), so it's important to me to parent differently. I put myself through college and had to figure out the "real world" on my own, which did set me back a bit, career wise.
Great topic! I've noticed things too that are just in my boys' personalities. One is afraid to be in front of people (as in a piano recital) and I don't know how to help him get over that. I completely understand as I had to get over that fear in college (Public Spaking class). But overall, I just try to let them both know that I love them every day and do try to support them making their own decisions on little things (they're only 6).
My own parents did very little to prepare me for the world (similar to what the OP said), so it's important to me to parent differently. I put myself through college and had to figure out the "real world" on my own, which did set me back a bit, career wise.
Our oldest was like that..and on the short side so he would always be in the front row for choir concerts at school, etc. The music teacher complained to us that he wouldn't sing in the concerts...we suggested moving him to the second row so he would be able to hide behind someone....wouldn't do that because no one would see him---well, that was the point . Some people just never get comfortable with being in front of people.
As the mom of a teenager, I'll add: Let them struggle a bit and don't rush to fix things for them. Confidence comes with succeeding at something difficult. My daughter puts homework off til the last minute which makes me crazy. But when she pulls it off and gets that good grade, she's ecstatic. No, it's not a good habit, but she's thrilled when she's up against something tough and gets it done. And when she doesn't get the good grade, that's a valuable lesson as well.
Let them find their own way with interests and activities. It's one thing when they're young and you're wanting to expose them to a lot of things, but when they get older, follow their lead on activities. My daughter's confidence blossomed this year after she signed up for an activity which never would have occurred to me. She's gotten good at it and the pride she feels shows in everything she does.
Choose your words carefully. Kids are listening to you even when they act like they aren't. Limit the criticizing and nagging. Nagging is a constant issue for me--I literally have to tell myself "be quiet be quiet be quiet" when she does something like put off homework or stay up too late.
Show them that you have confidence in their abilities: "I know you can figure this out." Or, "you're tough--this is a difficult situation but you're going to get through it."
I like to challenge my kids a bit and if they fail, remind them that it is okay and to keep trying. For instance my youngest with monkey bars. He can't do them, but he keeps trying. My oldest went through the same stage and eventually he got it and was thrilled he finally did it.
I like to challenge my kids a bit and if they fail, remind them that it is okay and to keep trying. For instance my youngest with monkey bars. He can't do them, but he keeps trying. My oldest went through the same stage and eventually he got it and was thrilled he finally did it.
I think this is the most important point. For confidence. There's lots of good stuff in your post but to build confidence I believe the most important thing is to provide (even force) opportunities for independence, challenge, and failure and to provide a safe place to land. We don't learn to be confident people through our parents' love, we learn to be confident by taking risks and succeeding. But children will take those risks more readily if they know that you're always on their team.
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. Some people just never get comfortable with being in front of people.
