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But this is not the boyfriend's fault. It's HER fault. Removing the boyfriend isn't going to change HER. Good lawd stop placing blame everywhere but where it belongs.
YOU can't motivate her. You can only give her the tools to move forward. She has to motivate herself. But you can be supportive instead of confrontational. Perhaps set her up in a small place nearby and promise to help wit the rent on condition that she finds a job and looks into a career path. Tell her you know she can handle it and that you have faith in her ability to do so. Instead of taking things away as a motivational tool, maybe try giving her a bit of encouragement and put yourself out here a bit in a way that will be positive in HER mind.
I don't know what you've got to lose. The streets are certainly not the only option.
I second this. Once she is out of your house, she is no longer a legal tenant. You can't legally just put her out without a thirty-day written notice. As long as you don't sign a lease on her behalf, you can put the responsibility for her rent on her. At the very least, SHE will have to be the one to get food into the house, etc. Then you just have to make sure she doesn't come back into the family home, or you have to start the timetable over again.
As long as you are more afraid of the streets than she is, she will blackmail you. That is what our son did to us for years, threatening to kill himself or live on the streets. Now that he is nearly independent (at 23 1/2) and much more mature in every way, he is ashamed and remorseful about how he was in the past. We have told him that there is no point in dwelling on the past. If he had gone completely off the deep end, he would have quit getting parental subsidies and he would have quickly ended up living in his car. I wasn't okay with that when he was under 21, but after that, we let him know that if he didn't want to live under a bridge, then HE would have to provide for himself.
Have you had a talk with her about what would happen to the baby if she became pregnant? I would push for adoption, as she doesn't sound as if she is emotionally prepared to take care of a completely helpless infant. I would talk to the boyfriend as well, letting him know that he would be financially responsible for 18-21 years, and likely beyond, once he becomes a father. They also need to be aware that sometimes you get two babies, sometimes they are born with serious disabilities, and sometimes they are born dead. (Our daughter told us too many horror stories about her OB rotation in med school.) They need to understand that if they have a baby, THEY are the parents, and you, your husband, and the boyfriend's parents are just grandparents who get to give the baby back at the end of the visit. It would be better for everyone if they made sure that pregnancy did not happen.
Maybe dh needs to change his threat here to she has 3 weeks to find a job on her own and then has to see her cousin about getting a job or move out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
The consensus here seems to be toss her out. Dh is ready to. Maybe I should just stand aside and let him. This is hard for me after what happened to me when I left home with nowhere to go but that does seem to be what people think is right here.
DH doesn't need to change anything... he just needs to do good on his threat. But what you're proposing with that change is another delay of a necessary change.
If you're worried about where she can go, give her information on a paper where the shelters, food banks, etc. are at, so that she knows what options (other than the BF) she has.
Your daughter needs to find something to do... maybe if you can't get her to find a job, then tell her she needs to volunteer work for 15 hours approx. a week. You can find volunteer places on line.. try and find ones she might be interested in... if she likes animals a no kill shelter, if she might be good in a health care field... volunteer at a hospital etc.
She needs to get out of the house and away from her friends... she needs to be exposed to the real world... people that have less than you, not just folks who are better off.
You could find a career counselor and maybe get some aptitude tests taken. If she is not college material then she needs to go to community college and learn a skill: nursing, being a chef, becoming a hairdresser, an auto mechanic, an
electrician etc. yes there are women who do the later jobs. She needs to have some training so she will not have to work at minimum wage and/ or count on a family member to get her a job.
Also she needs to contribute to the house hold: go grocery shopping, do errands, learn how to cook, do laundry and/or dry cleaning etc... take out the trash. You need to assign jobs to her and her sister both. I don't know how you can enforce them if she won/t cooperate.
Dr. Phil talks to folks with problems similar to yours all the time... maybe he has a book that will help. My Mom went back to work when I was 12 full time. I did grocery shopping and cooked meals. I did anything my Mom asked... but she was a perfectionist and some things she would probably want to do herself... so she did not have to be upset with what I had done. I also mowed the yard and feed the cats. Mom did do the dishes and do most the clean up after I cooked... no dishwasher.
I did not know what I wanted to major in... while in college and I floundered around, kind of like your daughter got incompletes and dropped classes... I lived away from home. My parents let this go on because I said I would not stay at home that I would run away.
Eventually, I found classes I liked better and learned how to study. Also learned I did better in morning classes. I did not have a car and always had roommates. My parents thought I walked most places,... I did lots of walking but also hitchhiked.... yes I was raped 2 times one time at 18 and another time at 21. I did not tell anyone and was using birth control so I did not get pregnant.
Later I went to a small private college and not a big state university.. that made all the difference. In the town I grew up in there was only a small private expensive college... I would have had to live at home to go there... and had a scholarship. I was not scholarship material at age 18. The branch of the big state university opened up when I was 18 but I would have needed my own car to go there... it was 20 miles away and they had very limited classes. My family only had 1 car.
Thanks. I'd be ok with making a deal where she does certain things around the house. We'll see how this plays out. Right now she's planning on leaving. She wasn't at the boyfriend's parents house long before they'd had enough of her last time. I really don't care what she majors in. She just needs to be in college or a technical program. I want her working towards a goal.
I'm sorry you were assaulted. That's one of my fears if we just toss dd out on her rear. If she leaves, it's her choice but I don't think I could live with it if something happened and I threw her out.
We've already talked to a counselor and she says she cannot advise us on dd until she counsels dd. It's hard to treat a patient you haven't met.
Wow. One whole counselor?
The MOST messed up family I know is currently on their 8th or 9th counselor. And getting the help they need. You get on the phone and you call until you find the therapist that says when she can see your husband and you. Then you go and you sit and listen to that therapist. And you work with her on getting your family back on track.
BTW: A good therapist won't let you BS her so be forewarned. All the excuses you've made on your threads will be challenged. She's not there to advise you on DD. She's there to advise you on..... wait for it......being a parent.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 04-21-2014 at 05:10 PM..
Her dad gave her three weeks to find a job and she's packing as I type this. I'm sure she'll be living with her boyfriend's family. He can't afford a place of his own.
...
You have said several times that the boyfriend can't afford a place of his own.
You forget that there are many people making minimum wage who are forced to support themselves. Perhaps, they have to live in a crappy neighborhood or have four (or even five) people sharing a two bedroom apartment. They probably can't afford internet & cable TV and may have to give up their car and take the bus, walk or bike wherever they need to go. Perhaps they need to use a food bank or go to a soup kitchen a couple nights a week. But they survive because they need to (or want) to be independent.
BF makes $10 an hour at his fulltime job or $400 a week (unless I misread that). My daughter has several friends who only make $10 an hour and are able to support themselves, without any helpfrom their parents. It is true that they have several roommates, only shop at Goodwill, use a basic cell phone, have to really, really pinch pennies and use the internet at the library but they can and do survive on $10 an hour in a large city.
I just wanted to point out that if someone is really motivated they can make it happen.
And if DD#1 gets a minimum wage job they will be rolling in the dough! (just kidding) But, people can and do (even couples) survive on less than BF's $20,000 a year income.
PS. I just realized that for several years in graduate school my son had $18,000 to $20,000 a year in stipends (tuition was paid) and not only was he able to pay all of his extra college expenses such as books, pay his rent/utilities/cell phone/internet/all of his bills but was still able to pay down severalthousand of his undergraduate loans each year. It is true that my son is pretty frugal but he was still able to go out, have fun and even was able to afford a two week trip to Japan with friends and never asked for a dime from us (his parents) during graduate school.
Wow, I'm really hoping that I read it wrong that BF works fulltime and makes $10 an hour ($20,000 a year) and can't afford to live on his own.
Last edited by germaine2626; 04-21-2014 at 05:33 PM..
Reason: added PS.
Thanks. I'd be ok with making a deal where she does certain things around the house. We'll see how this plays out. Right now she's planning on leaving. She wasn't at the boyfriend's parents house long before they'd had enough of her last time. I really don't care what she majors in. She just needs to be in college or a technical program. I want her working towards a goal.
I'm sorry you were assaulted. That's one of my fears if we just toss dd out on her rear. If she leaves, it's her choice but I don't think I could live with it if something happened and I threw her out.
Really? What difference exactly is that going to make?
Really? What difference exactly is that going to make?
I should have added IF she's in school full time. It would mean she was contributing to the household which she is not right now. However, I'd much prefer she get a job. I think if she gets one she'll find she likes having her own money but what I really want is her working towards some future goal beit a degree or a trade. Something to support herself.
If she were in school full time, I wouldn't have even posted this. It's the fact we've gone from 12 credits a semester to 7 with no job in sight and she wants to take the summer off of school because she's "stressed out" (I want her to take 12 credits to make up for credits she didn't take in the fall/winter if she's not working). At 7 credits a semester, it will take her 5 years to get an associates degree. This cannot continue. The question is how to fix it.
If she were on a path to get an associates degree in even 3 years, I'd tough it out until she got the associates and then work on helping her go away to school. Once both kids are in college, they should get considerable financial aid so it will be possible for her to go away to school. I'm not sure she will as that will likely depend on the boyfriend situation but I can hope. I want to see some motivation one way or the other. Either motivation to finish a degree or motivation to get a job work towards independence. 7 credits, no job and wanting the summer off because she's "stressed" does not cut it.
Why is she so stressed out, sounds like she have a pretty good life and especially with only 7 credits. Have you thought about giving her some professional counseling?
She's not into expensive clothes, jewelry and makeup. She's more like me here. She wears what she has until it's unusable. Her boyfriend can't afford to buy her stuff all the time. He only makes $10/hour. She was complaining the other day that he can't afford to buy her bras...of course I told her to get a job and the drama started as it always does.
Yes, she'd refusing a possible avenue to a job because she wants to do it on her own. I told her today that I didn't get my first job on my own and neither did her dad. I got mine because my brother worked there and dh got his because of his father's connections. Having someone vouch for you is not something to be ashamed of. She needs to go see her cousin about a job.
Maybe dh needs to change his threat here to she has 3 weeks to find a job on her own and then has to see her cousin about getting a job or move out.
You should tell her there are people on unemployment WISHING they had a connection to a job.
I hope she agrees to counseling eventually. She could benefit from it.
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This cannot continue. The question is how to fix it.