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Even if you want to keep her under your roof and keep feeding her and encouraging her to keep at school because she's your baby girl, she needs a kick in the butt.
Her opinion on whether she needs a job or not because she hasn't had one for the last 18 years is irrelevant. Whether she remains living with you, or moves out, she needs to find employment while she continues her lackadaisical education.
So what if she only wants a job as a vet and deems anything else beneath her? That's not how real life works and her lack of dedication to earning the degree required doesn't lend any credence to her claims. If she was taking extra credits and working to complete her degree faster, then she's got a leg to stand on.
I would send her down to the local shelters and have her volunteer helping and working with animals there to see just how serious she is about her career and getting her to do something. She may decide a part time job at the local fast food restaurant ain't such a bad option after all.
give her 24 hours notice- tell her to pack what she needs and she is out. She has not proven to be worthy of more chances. change the locks on the doors and take away her car keys. Once the BF sees he is expected to support her 100% she won't last long. When she comes crawling back have that contract ready with a signed lease expecting her to pay at least $200 a month for rent and food and hourly use of car. If she balks show her the door again. It's called tough love. Once she has proven herself and has a dose of real life let her know you will pick up paying for college with her taking out student loans for 1/2 of it and you will let her live at home.
We had a similar situation with our 22 year old daughter after she graduated from college and finished only 1 year of seminary which was really just an excuse not to look for work. We were all miserable with her living at home but I was patient because it was a bad economy and I knew jobs were hard to find but all she did was apply online to jobs she was not qualified for. She was offered a good paying job but she declined saying she thought somebody with a family should have the chance.
Finally we had a big argument I yelled at her to get the hell out and she couch surfed for about 10 days with all her friends till she got on their nerves too. She didn't call us the entire time but her friends let us know where she was.
Finally her daddy called in a favor with an old work colleague and she got an interview and then another one and then another one - this business is very picky and most jobs require at least 4 interviews over 3 or 4 weeks. SHE GOT THE JOB.
She has been there 6+ years, is doing a great job and has had at least 4 promotions and raises. She has appologized for her attitude and it is much better.
But with a 19 year old who won't go to school or get a job I would be much tougher. If you don't you will end up with a 30 year old in the basement with her bf. You don't want that.
I think 24 hours is a bit tough. I mean, she's been allowed to behave this way for how long? And hasn't suffered any consequences. So some of this is mom and dad's fault. Sit down with her, write up a plan, give her a reasonable deadline for accomplishing those things (I'm thinking months). And then (very important) STICK TO IT. Have a come-to-Jesus meeting about the reality of vet school. Perhaps at this point in her life, she needs to be considering becoming a vet-tech - help her find out how to accomplish that. Or look into other similar types of jobs. Stress that she will have to support herself, one way or another and give her a date. Periodically ask how those plans are coming along and if she has any questions or needs any help with decisions. The one thing I'd do is continue paying her cell phone bill (at least a basic plan - if she wants a data plan, then she can pay for one year up front. That's what we did for our college kids - simply because I didn't want to be dealing with keeping track of payments). Being able to keep in touch is important. I'd also tell her when she's ready to go back to school and take it seriously, she's welcome to come back home or receive tuition help (or whatever) -since I know her finishing school is important to you. I'd keep your mind open that college isn't for everyone, but everyone does need to make a living so *some kind* of education to help her accomplish that is definitely desirable. Even if it's not necessarily college - or the path you were hoping she'd take.
Another thing...isn't this the daughter who's had some issues? I don't know if she's still seeing someone about that but you might get in touch with one of the professionals who are familiar with her and her individual needs (which might be vastly different that a "typical" young adult of this age). A professional who's methods your daughter responded positively to. They may be able to give you some methods or tools to move forward with her.
I'm glad to see your other daughter seems to have grown up some. Last time you posted she refused to get a job, was complaining about not having an expensive prom dress; drinking and assaulting police officers. Apparently the arrest didn't ruin her life as you'd feared. I'm glad she's doing well, but it's a bit disingenuous to hold her up as a paragon of responsibility in comparison to DD1....
Last edited by maciesmom; 04-19-2014 at 03:54 PM..
You currently give a girl with no job, poor college performance, and a crappy attitude anywhere from $1000-$2000 a month. $12,000-$24,000 per year for snark and back talking. I'm thinking one of you is getting a raw deal. How's your retirement funding going?
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This was a great post.
Time for someone to das boot...out the door.
The only way I'd support her would be on a full, serious class load.
Quote from you; "other than...we don't give her anything".
1. Free rent, depending on where you live; $300-600 a month.
2. Tuition, depending on the school; $250-$750 a month.
3. Food, $200 a month.
4. Car, Insurance too? $200-$500 a month.
You currently give a girl with no job, poor college performance, and a crappy attitude anywhere from $1000-$2000 a month. $12,000-$24,000 per year for snark and back talking. I'm thinking one of you is getting a raw deal. How's your retirement funding going?
You are giving here everything she needs. And for a little hanky-panky here and there some of her wants are filled by the boyfriend.
I wouldn't work either, too bad I could never find a girl dumb enough to trade 45 seconds of mediocre sex for some clothes.
This is alarming as well; "working towards goals modeled for her yet she doesn't seem to think she should have to work". Were these HER goals, or goals picked out by parents?
You know the answer to your question, there is not much else you can do. It's hard when the little birds have a mind of their own and don't follow our plans. Don't worry you've prepared her enough and with love, she'll figure it out. Being hungry, poor, and have no disposable income is usually enough for most birds to learn to fly.
Good luck.
This. Except this particular not-so-little bird has a younger sister who has been the favored bird in the nest. My guess is she's now enjoying every single minute of her mother being unhappy.
She's got a great gig going. She made her mother unhappy when she moved out (there was a thread on that) and now she's made her mother unhappy that she's back. Negative attention may be something she feeds on since the younger bird has gotten all the positive attention. Plus, she's figured out there's no need to go to school and get a job and be in any way responsible because she's got all the benefits of a being an adult (sex, car, roof over your head, food, I'd bet a generous phone plan) without all the work.
The smartest adults were the boyfriends' parents who probably realized they were being manipulated by her and their own son.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 04-19-2014 at 04:05 PM..
Next semester, set more specific guidelines. Tell her she has to take and finish 15 (or 12 or whatever) credits and pass them with c's or better or she's on her own after that.
I agree that you need more specific guidelines and a signed contract.
Quote:
Originally Posted by aplcr0331
Quote from you; "other than...we don't give her anything".
1. Free rent, depending on where you live; $300-600 a month.
2. Tuition, depending on the school; $250-$750 a month.
3. Food, $200 a month.
4. Car, Insurance too? $200-$500 a month.
You currently give a girl with no job, poor college performance, and a crappy attitude anywhere from $1000-$2000 a month. $12,000-$24,000 per year for snark and back talking. I'm thinking one of you is getting a raw deal. How's your retirement funding going?
You are giving here everything she needs. And for a little hanky-panky here and there some of her wants are filled by the boyfriend.
I wouldn't work either, too bad I could never find a girl dumb enough to trade 45 seconds of mediocre sex for some clothes.
This is alarming as well; "working towards goals modeled for her yet she doesn't seem to think she should have to work". Were these HER goals, or goals picked out by parents?
You know the answer to your question, there is not much else you can do. It's hard when the little birds have a mind of their own and don't follow our plans. Don't worry you've prepared her enough and with love, she'll figure it out. Being hungry, poor, and have no disposable income is usually enough for most birds to learn to fly.
Good luck.
Hmmm, I bet the figure is even higher than what apicr listed. Do you pay for her cell phone? Her internet connection? Car repairs? Gasoline? That fancy shampoo that she likes to use? Haircuts & cosmetics?
Ivory, you may be thinking, "Well, we have to have an internet & cable connection anyway so it doesn't cost us any more for DD to use it." Well, if she had her own apartment it would cost her $75 a month so providing it is a value of $75. Adding another line to your cell phone plan may only be another $10 a month but if she had to get her own plan it would cost her $125 a month.
As apicr stated paying "$12,000 to $24,000 a year for snark and backtalk" does not sound like a good deal for you parents. It is an absolutely, fabulous, amazing deal for DD.
Second semester ends the middle of May at many colleges. What will she be doing from mid May until classes start again in September? Or will she be taking classes full time in summer school?
I think you need to examine what your goals are for this adult child before you do anything. What do you want her to do? What is the time frame? Only then can you really decide what you can do to achieve those goals.
I agree with the others that you need to set up ground rules for her being allowed to continue living there, and you also need to make her "situation" a lot less cushy. Having access to food/toiletries of the household and not paying rent needs to be contingent on her being in school full time and not dropping any classes, as well as having a part time job. I would draw up a contract stating your expectations. I would also take her by the local women's shelter and let her know this is what awaits her if she doesn't shape up.
Vet school is now all but out of her reach. I would see what qualifications are needed for a vet tech. She'll never make a great living, but with her attitude, a sustainable existence may be the goal to aim for.
Why is she allowed to use the car if she's not working and not paying rent/insurance/gas? School? Get her a bike, or let her walk, or let her take the bus. If she has a phone and you pay for it, I would immediately cut off the cell phone. Do not ask her to pay $10 because "that's all the extra line costs with your plan" or whatever. For independent people, phones are expensive. She needs to learn this. Also, no access to your internet or TV. Put passwords on them. Internet/cable are expensive.
The boyfriend's parents made a dumb move by letting her mooch off them for awhile, but I give them credit for recognizing the mistake and throwing her out. You need to send the same message or you will find yourself in the same situation 10 years from now, except likely with 2 grandchildren by 2 different men crammed into your house.
I agree with the other posters here. I would give more than 24 hours though. First, what is she doing this summer? Is she going to take summer courses to gain back the credits she dropped this semester? If not, insist on a job. Tell her beginning in June or July (you pick) that she needs to pay rent. Rent will be rated based on how many courses she is taking. If she is full time at school, maybe not charge rent. Part time? 1/2 rent. No school? full rent.
Is the car she is using an extra one? Meaning, do you have a car of your own, your husband has a car, and this is just a third car you happen to own? If yes, then make her buy it. If not, encourage her to purchase one of her own by cutting of her ability to use yours.
Good luck!
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