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Oh, for goodness sakes, all the drama and needless panic ! - The boyfriend knows where she is, you think she suddenly gave up the boyfriend ? You can be sure boyfriend's family also knows. They're just not telling Ivory. She might even be at their place - they could be lying.
You can also bet DD # 1 is texting back and forth with her sister, even though they're not close. DD# 1 is for sure curious about how Ivory is taking her absence. Considering her disposition she's going to want to know if Ivory & DH are breaking down and going to let DD# 1 home on daughter's terms.
She hasn't " disappeared " others know where she is. She's nineteen, she has options, she can even join the service. There's a thought. Walking the mean streets, through the rain and cold, prostitution, starvation- not likely at all.
It's vacation time. My guess is the bf parked her at someone's house while they are gone. She'll turn up back home when that gig is over, unless there is another place for her to stay along those lines.
I remember one gal spent close to two months one summer just crashing at the homes of her friends while the family was on vacation while I was growing up.
I know, but if no one they know has a clue where she is that's different and would suggest the continued disappearance may not be voluntary. People will usually attempt to contact a family member or friend after a week.
There is no reason whatsoever to think she isn't safe. She didn't disappear unexpectedly. They told her to leave. She doesn't want to be found and she doesn't want to talk to the parents who told her to leave.
I don't think that we are being "cavalier". I think that we are being realistic because Ivory tends to over react and always think that the very worse would happen.
I truly believe that the BF and her sister both know where DD#1 is right now and have known exactly where she has been since she walked out the front door of the house.
Why is DD so vulnerable? While it is true that she is only 19 but even immature 19 year olds are pretty smart. It isn't like she is 12 years old, mentally challenged or has some other major problems. She has not lived in a convent or been locked in her bedroom her entire life so she has been exposed to the world.
How many normal 19 year olds do you actually know? They can be pretty resilient when they need to be.
If the BF and DD2 know where she is (and it's not walking the streets), then Ivory should just let go and be there to help her only if she's willing to help herself and start taking life seriously. But the problem is she doesn't know that. Ivory, you really need to sit down and have a talk with DD2.
The girl is vulnerable because she has poor social skills, no income, and no empathy according to Ivory. She could easily mess with the wrong person. She very well could have some mental issues, if not having empathy wouldn't be considered one in and of itself.
If the BF and DD2 know where she is (and it's not walking the streets), then Ivory should just let go and be there to help her only if she's willing to help herself and start taking life seriously. But the problem is she doesn't know that. Ivory, you really need to sit down and have a talk with DD2.
The girl is vulnerable because she has poor social skills, no income, and no empathy according to Ivory. She could easily mess with the wrong person. She very well could have some mental issues, if not having empathy wouldn't be considered one in and of itself.
Dd#2 doesn't know where her sister is. Dd#1 has blocked her cell number. I assume dd#1's boyfriend knows where she is but he isn't speaking to us. Dd#1 has not contacted her cousins or the friends that I know or if she has they're lying and telling me she has not contacted them. I'm concerned. Dd's boyfriend has always been controlling and now he has full control of her. The first thing an abuser does is isolate you from those who could help you. My sister's husband kept her from family for years. When he finally went too far and she left him we found out she'd been physically and emotionally battered for years. Maybe I'm reading too much into this but his actions right now remind me too much of my ex BIL. I'm starting to wonder if he's not the reason dd wouldn't get a job. Was he telling her not to knowing that he could isolate her from her family if we threw her out?
Dd reminds me a lot of my sister. I expect it will be years before I hear from her again IF I ever hear from her again. I just pray that she hasn't fallen into the same trap my sister did. Her boyfriend can get violent. To my knowledge he has never gotten violent with her but she's been here and that would have been hard for him to do. Since she's known him he's put two people in the hospital. I guess it's ok though. She's out of the house, out of my life and has to grow up now.
I won't be checking back on this thread. I don't like being kicked when I'm down and too many here like to kick when I'm down because it makes them feel superior.
Have fun kicking. I hope it makes you feel like a big person.
If the BF and DD2 know where she is (and it's not walking the streets), then Ivory should just let go and be there to help her only if she's willing to help herself and start taking life seriously. But the problem is she doesn't know that. Ivory, you really need to sit down and have a talk with DD2.
The girl is vulnerable because she has poor social skills, no income, and no empathy according to Ivory. She could easily mess with the wrong person. She very well could have some mental issues, if not having empathy wouldn't be considered one in and of itself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok
If the BF and DD2 know where she is (and it's not walking the streets), then Ivory should just let go and be there to help her only if she's willing to help herself and start taking life seriously. But the problem is she doesn't know that. Ivory, you really need to sit down and have a talk with DD2.
The girl is vulnerable because she has poor social skills, no income, and no empathy according to Ivory. She could easily mess with the wrong person. She very well could have some mental issues, if not having empathy wouldn't be considered one in and of itself.
Frankly, I think that DD#1 is more likely to hurt other people than have her no empathy problem cause others to hurt her.
To my knowledge, Ivory never stated that DD#1's poor social skills/immaturity were any type of major problem to her (but maybe I'm remembering it wrong). It isn't like DD has the social skills of a child. She just may not be as socially aware as most 19 year olds.
The BF has been paying for so many of DD's expenses already (restaurant meals, cell phone, clothes, etc.) that I totally believe that he is still doing that.
I agree that Ivory & DH should ask DD#2 & the BF to be truthful about where DD#1 is currently living.
Dd#2 doesn't know where her sister is. Dd#1 has blocked her cell number. I assume dd#1's boyfriend knows where she is but he isn't speaking to us. Dd#1 has not contacted her cousins or the friends that I know or if she has they're lying and telling me she has not contacted them. I'm concerned. Dd's boyfriend has always been controlling and now he has full control of her. The first thing an abuser does is isolate you from those who could help you. My sister's husband kept her from family for years. When he finally went too far and she left him we found out she'd been physically and emotionally battered for years. Maybe I'm reading too much into this but his actions right now remind me too much of my ex BIL. I'm starting to wonder if he's not the reason dd wouldn't get a job. Was he telling her not to knowing that he could isolate her from her family if we threw her out?
Dd reminds me a lot of my sister. I expect it will be years before I hear from her again IF I ever hear from her again. I just pray that she hasn't fallen into the same trap my sister did. Her boyfriend can get violent. To my knowledge he has never gotten violent with her but she's been here and that would have been hard for him to do. Since she's known him he's put two people in the hospital. I guess it's ok though. She's out of the house, out of my life and has to grow up now.
I won't be checking back on this thread. I don't like being kicked when I'm down and too many here like to kick when I'm down because it makes them feel superior.
Have fun kicking. I hope it makes you feel like a big person.
I know that you said that you won't be checking back, but I wanted you to know that we all hope that it will work out.
Perhaps I just missed it before, but it appears that is new information about the BF being violent. Being violent enough to put two people in the hospital (yikes) probably means that BF has a criminal record (although, it may be a juvenile record).
Normally, I would not have suggested that you contact the police but after you posted this I think that you should make an official missing person's report and make sure that the police put it in the file that she may be with the BF and he has been violent in the past.
Ivory, I don't think that people are trying to "kick you while you are down" but are just trying to give you honest, helpful feedback.
I know that you said that you won't be checking back, but I wanted you to know that we all hope that it will work out.
Perhaps I just missed it before, but it appears that is new information about the BF being violent. Being violent enough to put two people in the hospital (yikes) probably means that BF has a criminal record (although, it may be a juvenile record).
Normally, I would not have suggested that you contact the police but after you posted this I think that you should make an official missing person's report and make sure that the police put it in the file that she may be with the BF and he has been violent in the past.
Ivory, I don't think that people are trying to "kick you while you are down" but are just trying to give you honest, helpful feedback.
Didn't Ivory post earlier that she liked the BF?
Regardless, this leads me to feel that a different option may be preferable to either continuing this tough love approach or to taking her back in. Ivory, do you have any family or friends who live outside of the area? Maybe if she returns home or re-establishes contact, you could see if she could go stay with them for awhile. You could help with added expenses. She would still be required to attend school or work full time and to attend counseling (I'd make counseling a condition of taking her back in at home as well but forgot to mention it earlier).
This would get her out of your house and send a message but she'd have "adult" supervision and she wouldn't be on the streets or with an abusive BF. Most importantly she'd be separated from BF so he could neither abuse her nor enable her by driving her around, buying her things, etc.
Yes. In fact, when DD1 moved into the boyfriend's house her only concern was that DD1 took the car. And she wasn't very concerned about these violent and controling tendencies upthread either. Her concern was he didn't make enough for DD1 to expect to support them. But that's not nearly as dramatic and Chicken-Little "the sky is falling" is it?
Last edited by maciesmom; 05-24-2014 at 03:18 PM..
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