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Old 12-10-2007, 08:10 AM
 
Location: Eagan, Minnesota
751 posts, read 844,535 times
Reputation: 151

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I would like to understand what makes people decide to be "permissive parents?" Is it laziness, lack of love, lack of common sense, or are these parents just screwed up in the head? I don't care how many people in America decide to be permissive parents, It is pathetic and I have seen all the tragic consequences associated with this type of parenting. My fiance is one of these parents and although I love her, I absolutely do not agree with the way she has raised her son. I just do not understand the "anything goes" approach. If I had a son, I would be very concerned about teaching him right from wrong, talking to him, finding out about his grades, his goals etc. I have tried to understand it from a logical perspective and to me, it does not make any sense! We argue over this almost every week and I can't stand seeing her son going down the wrong path. I have started to intervene because I am a caring person and I am very mad and frustrated. Any help is appreciated!

Last edited by lukeache; 12-10-2007 at 08:46 AM..
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Old 12-10-2007, 08:17 AM
 
Location: huh?
3,099 posts, read 1,912,002 times
Reputation: 498
define permissive parenting please.
anything goes, you say?
anything?
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Old 12-10-2007, 08:22 AM
 
582 posts, read 1,816,284 times
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I have a cousin whose husband was raised in the idea that you didn't have to tell a child how to act, you had to show them. The result was a very bratty little girl that my cousin tried to hard to get to behave herself... but with mixed messages she went with what her father said because she got away with more. When she went to school they wouldn't allow her to act that way and she stopped, and ended up helping my cousin get her brother to behave! I'm not sure her husband has come around yet, but maybe my cousin plus the older siblings will help teach the baby (now only 7 monhs old) to behave herself and that anything does NOT go.
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Old 12-10-2007, 08:33 AM
 
3,107 posts, read 8,029,664 times
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We have friends who are permissive parents and it drives us batty. We can't quite comprehend how they do not see how unpleasant it is to be around their children (spoiled, bratty, constantly screaming, answering back, etc...). Sure - kids shouldn't be expected to be seen & not heard - but these kids are horrible to be around and we know the parents are to blame.

As we understand it from their parents, they are striving to NOT be what their parents were: strict, unbending, use of corporal punishment, etc...

Also, they've also told us that "you need to pick your battles" and they find it too much effort to follow through on the few occasions they actually try to discipline their children.

What's sad is the kids have told us that they KNOW how easy it is to manipulate their parents and they get their kicks out of this (they told us this when they were 5 & 8 yrs old!). We felt obligated to tell the parents this who expressed pride at how intuitive their kids are.

It's sad and definitely a learning experience for us and NOT what to do with our children.
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Old 12-10-2007, 08:39 AM
 
Location: Scranton
2,937 posts, read 2,909,719 times
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What I don't like is when people who are pro-spanking label anyone who doesn't hit their kids as "permissive." In our house, there is NO hitting, but we are definitely not "permissive." There are boundaries and consequences for bad behavior, but those conequences do not include hitting of any kind. And its working just fine.
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Old 12-10-2007, 08:53 AM
 
1,363 posts, read 5,341,204 times
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I don't think they're lazy. I think they really think they are helping their child. But like somebody else said with the school example, there has to come a time when they realize that the outside world does not operate like the inside of their home. I think it's a real disservice to the kids.

And Conorsdad-for what it's worth-I spank, but I don't think parents who don't are permissive. I think they are EXTREMELY patient.
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Old 12-10-2007, 09:01 AM
 
3,107 posts, read 8,029,664 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by regarese View Post

And Conorsdad-for what it's worth-I spank, but I don't think parents who don't are permissive. I think they are EXTREMELY patient.
I agree!

I also think that a generation or 2 ago, spanking was quite different than today's occasional swat across the bottom for doing things that might endanger a child (running into street when told not to, etc...).

My brother and I kid around and say that our parents' versions of spanking would have landed them in hot water by today's standards. But, we both turned out fine. Our parents managed to find balance in how they disciplined us.
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Old 12-10-2007, 09:17 AM
 
Location: Eagan, Minnesota
751 posts, read 844,535 times
Reputation: 151
What I mean about permissive parenting is standing up for your child even when he/she is wrong or not saying anything about his/her misbehavior. I dont understand that at all. I used to hate her son because of his attitude, disrespect and aggresiveness, and we did not talk for weeks. This Sunday because of the situation, I decided to finally talk to him, we talked and he said "You know, since I was 11, I had to raise myself", "My Mom never talks to me", "She does not care". It was almost like I finally understood what the problem is, as much as I dislike what he does, he is just a product of "permissive parenting", basically a person that knows no rules and no limits because of this ****ty parenting. I used to be very mad at him because of his attitude but since we talked, I have been intervening more and honestly I am very mad at her. He missed college this entire week because the car broke down and she did not even know that he did not go to school. I am the one that was stressing out because I don't want him to mess up his grades, you know? Anyways, this morning, I had to call him to find out if he got a ride to school. I just think it is so unfair that the other party does not care and he is not even my son. Anyways, he will be moving out of our house but I think this kid is scarred for life. This type of parenting is pathetic!
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Old 12-10-2007, 09:32 AM
 
1,363 posts, read 5,341,204 times
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What's her response to his feelings? Does she know he feels that way? That's sad.
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Old 12-10-2007, 09:42 AM
 
582 posts, read 1,816,284 times
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You probably need to talk to her now, especially if she is your fiancee and you are that angry with her. That is not a good thing to let lie, you never know when it will explode and might cause a big problem between you two.
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