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Just a little background on me: I'm 5 months pregnant with a planned pregnancy. My main passion in life is travelling. So today I was researching trips to Paris...hotels, things to do etc. I got really really into it. Even though I have no plans to visit anytime soon (difficult pregnancy, need to save money for home purchase and impending baby) I still enjoyed planning out this fantasy trip. So I messaged my mom...she is one of my main travel partners...we have made great memories together travelling.
Me: Been really feeling for a Paris trip
Mom: Hahaha. You will make Paris. WE will call her Paris! Doesn't sound bad at all lol!!
Me: Makes me very sad. To think of this child styming my movements. Maybe I can leave them with DH's parents for our trips (I would like DH to come too on trips)
Mom: Are you crazy?? To say what are saying is insulting and disgraceful and more so SELFISH. Stop it!!!
Me: Well I'm a selfish person I guess then. It is one life that I'm living. I'd like to enjoy it.
Mom: RU mad? Everyone has one life to live!!! not just you!! I don't want to listen to this. Why did you get pregnant???Or married for that matter???
Me: You know if I were a man you wouldn't call me selfish. But women are supposed to be self sacrificing. It is thrust upon them.
Mom: You are getting me VERY annoyed
Me: You cannot combat my logic so it annoys you. And your lack of logical argument annoys me!!
Maybe you hurt her feelings because you didn't say you were going to leave the baby with HER!
Yep, a child can inhibit travel, but you can find lots of ways to explore on different levels with a baby/toddler/preschooler if you are creative.
I personally had an outright panic attack when I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified. It was not what I was expecting after a doctor told me 12 years prior that I would never be able to have children. Huge shock.
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Originally Posted by thewitchisback
I think that's part of my problem. I'm a HUGE planner.
Try viewing this as new plans instead of plans ruined.
True story. My sister and I had a childhood friend who was super pretty. While she was pregnant, she was cutting my sister's hair and she said that she was worried about when the baby came. She was worried the baby was going to get all of the attention and she was used to being the center of attention. I'm not joking. Someone in this world actually felt that way about themselves. Anyway, my sister told her to think of any attention her daughter gets as an extension of herself. Her daughter went to school with my youngest. She ended up being a fantastic mom. My point is no matter how inappropriate your feelings are, they are your feelings. You just need to work through them and redirect them in a healthy manner.
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Originally Posted by lovesMountains
I'm betting the OP comes around after that baby gets here!
Society places an expectation on women who are pregnant and then become mothers that is quite honestly unattainable. No matter where you live. Just read through this thread. The OP planned a fantasy trip to Paris, told her mother that she knew she wouldn't be going anytime soon, and most replies vilified her for being "selfish," "immature," and clueless about motherhood. Her own mother vilified her!
I'm glad my mom isn't in the group of "motherhood is your end-all, be-all" She told me years ago to not lose sight of myself when I became a mother. Reading some of the replies on this thread, I see what she meant. Some of the judgments and assumptions being made here are...well, very telling.
I think a lot of the judgment in the post comes not from the fact she wanted to plan a vacation, but her almost regret over a baby not even born yet that might interfere with her lifestyle.
I knew a woman who went out one year on New Year's Eve with her husband. Her kids were being watched by a family member (I think grandma). When I asked her if she enjoyed the night out, she replied..."I didn't make it to the countdown. I missed my kids so much that I asked my husband to take me home." While I understand missing one's children, I cannot fathom not being able to have one night away from them. I felt sorry for her. To me it's the extreme opposite of never wanting to be around your children. Neither attitude is healthy IMO.
Going out to dinner for a night is a lot different than going out Paris for 10 days. Believe me, we get out every once in awhile, but I don't have some severe heartache or desire to leave my kids overnight with someone else.
Re what MightyQueen said, no one can predict how the OP will feel or how she'll change after the birth of her baby...not even the OP. I agree that it will likely alter her desire to travel so soon, but then again, it may not. Loving her baby and wanting to enjoy her life are not silo emotions. They can and often are felt as one. I think this is what's probably frustrating the OP about the whole traveling notion, the fact that everyone is "predicting" all sorts of things. It's literally a black hole with regard to what will or won't happen. Whether you're a parent or not, no one can predict how a woman or man will be after they have children. It's an educated guess at best!
This is true. I was thinking of my own experience, and that of many other women, who can't imagine who that little alien-person will be when they finally get out and then find themselves unexpectedly in a state of love they never dreamed existed.
Watching the news is enough to tell us that this isn't always the case. There's also post-partum depression when motherhood is far from a joyous experience, and too often women who suffer from PPD hide their feelings because they are supposed to be happy and they're not, often with dire consequences.
I hope the OP will not suffer from any negative effects once her child arrives and motherhood will be a positive experience for her. And I hope she'll get to Paris sometime, too!
Children need their parents especially when they are young. Many people would love to have a child who can't. If you are not willing to put your child's needs above your own, you should not have gotten pregnant.
Going out to dinner for a night is a lot different than going out Paris for 10 days. Believe me, we get out every once in awhile, but I don't have some severe heartache or desire to leave my kids overnight with someone else.
But is it wrong to have that desire leave the kids with someone for a few days? It may not be your style of parenting but many parents DO carve out that husband/wife time. Nothing wrong with that at all imo. Granted, I probably wouldn't leave a newborn with someone but when the child gets a bit older, I see no harm.
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Originally Posted by Georgianbelle
Children need their parents especially when they are young. Many people would love to have a child who can't. If you are not willing to put your child's needs above your own, you should not have gotten pregnant.
So what is an appropriate age cut off to leave a child with a grandparent for example to enjoy a nice weekend together? In defense of the OP, it does sound like she is looking out for her child's needs if you continue to read her posts. She was just fantasizing with her mom and made the big mistake of coming here to the CD boards and being candid with her feelings.
I think that's part of my problem. I'm a HUGE planner. So me having a medical issue which bumped up my family planning timelines for myself has left me feeling out of control. My business which I've been carefully nurturing for years is finally showing fruit and we are taking some of the proceeds to buy a bigger place. If I wasn't having a kid I think I'd be comfortable living where we are for a few more years and rolling back my profits into the business. Disposable "fun" money that we would have spent on trips and leisure I'm now being extra frugal with due to wanting to have a windfall for current and future unexpected baby expenses.
My most sincere advice to you, given this ^^, is to release all but the most basic expectations of what your life will be like once the baby gets here. You will not always be in control.
You can PLAN all you want, but life with an infant is not something you can easily control. My first children were twins, and I was pretty miserable because I could not sleep when I wanted, couldn't shower when I wanted, couldn't leave the house when I wanted because they always woke up at the "wrong" time, spit up at the "wrong" time, or needed to eat at the "wrong" time. I finally figured out that I was making myself miserable by EXPECTING the day to go the way I envisioned it.
My inner voice just learned to say, "Well, I was going to get some work done, but this baby is on a crying jag so I guess we will just sit here and rock a while."
You will see how it goes when the baby gets here, but just focus on being a mom, feeding and caring for the baby, and let all the other stuff get handled by others. Don't set yourself up for defeat before you even get started.
But is it wrong to have that desire leave the kids with someone for a few days? It may not be your style of parenting but many parents DO carve out that husband/wife time. Nothing wrong with that at all imo. Granted, I probably wouldn't leave a newborn with someone but when the child gets a bit older, I see no harm.
It's not "wrong", but it is self-serving and putting your wants/desires ahead of your children. But it's probably healthy every once in awhile as well.
Again I say, a night out or even a weekend getaway is a lot different than 10 days overseas. If I'm out to dinner and there's an emergency, I can make it home in 30 minutes or less, if I'm in Paris, it's 2 days and thousands of dollars and a whole lot of heartache.
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