Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
. And there's plenty of large families around, less so than historically, but I don't think a large family would cause bad behavior...
Sure it would. It's how she gets attention. She's a middle child in a very large family.
How many people are around when she's with her closest friends? And being a great kid. I'll bet it's not eight. When she's with them she's....... her. She's not the younger sister. She's not the older sister. She's...... her.
Figure out how to acknowledge that she's "her" at home and she'll have less of a need to be so dramatic. Which is what this is. Seems odd you would label it a victim mentality. That's an awfully negative thing to say about an 11-year old who is doing what 11-year old's who are the middle children in big families have always done: try to get attention.
p.s. That time away with friends is probably refreshing to her. Eight kids and Mom and Dad are always in the house? Yes, historically there have been big families. But they weren't together all.the.time.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 06-07-2014 at 08:19 PM..
I labeled it that for the thread for lack of a better very short description. I'm not being negative.
She's going to have to be well behaved even when she's with family, so I don't really know what to do with that info. We acknowledge that she's "her".
Big families used to be together quite a bit, actually.
I asked my question, and I received helpful ideas. I'm good now.
Large families are no insulation against bad behavior. She doesn't feel she gets enough attention (it doesn't matter if she does or not) and the fact that she is home-schooled is keeping her from having the outlet of school to make her own interpersonal relationships, get attention from outsiders or her peers ... have her own life.
Most of the people I know who were raised with more than four siblings exhibit attachment disorders of one kind or another. The older kids are relied on too much to help take care of the younger kids, the middle kids are lost souls, the younger kids always have older siblings to do things for them so they don't develop to their full potential. Yes, I know that's a generalization, but I've seen it time and again. To a lesser degree it's even true in families that only have three kids, but the effect is magnified when there are twice that many kids or more.
You've written about this child before, haven't you? If not, your twin is out there.
Last edited by Jukesgrrl; 06-08-2014 at 12:40 AM..
I'm guessing that, since she is bringing up incidents from the past, your daughter needs validation. Perhaps she feels in those past incidents that her siblings hurt her and it was not dealt with. And now when she misbehaves, she feels she is getting disciplined unfairly compared to them. While it is true that 2 wrongs don't make a right, ignoring the first wrong when she retributes is not fair to her. She was wronged first and her wrong doing was a reaction to what was done to her. To ignore what was done to her is invalidating and can induce low self esteem. Also, it is ignoring the siblings bad behavior which is appearing as favoritism and brings it full circle to the points she brings up from the past of things that were done to her. The siblings also need discipline. Show equal love for all of them! Of course, she also needs discipline. Just saying 'Yes, I saw that happen and it will be dealt with. But now lets focus on your reaction and different ways for you to cope.' may help. She seems to be crying out for help. And ignoring what the others did first may tempt them to pick on her because they know its a free ticket.
She sounds like she is on the way to being a narcissist. Not to be taken lightly but I see you're concerned and that's good. I hope with everything I have that you can set a new course for that little precious ship or she'll have rough seas ahead and so will everyone around her. Read up on Borderline personality/narcissistic disorders and see if you can figure out some things that will help. If you can find a good affordable and trustworthy counselor for her to talk to it might give her time to be someone outside of the family unit. She sounds smart.
Kids are evil little sociopaths. Your daughter may be a bit worse than most, but not much. It's too bad that whipping kids has gone out of style, it would quickly teach her there are consequences for her behavior.
Meanwhile, try to impress that there are real consequences, the meaner the better. Don't try to be nice to her. If she rips up her sister's coloring book, take all of hers away. Life has consequences, and you have to enforce that.
She'll probably grow out of it, but she has to learn that privileges are earned. If she won't behave, she won't have any. If you are wishy-washy with this, you will do even more damage, so either let her do what she wants or step up and be a parent.
Each kid is an individual. I think sometimes with complainers, you can listen to them but don't cater to their pity-party. Just point out things they may need to change if they're having problems with other kids -- listen but don't over-react and some kids are natural complainers, some kids won't complain even when they should.
Each kid is an individual. I think sometimes with complainers, you can listen to them but don't cater to their pity-party. Just point out things they may need to change if they're having problems with other kids -- listen but don't over-react and some kids are natural complainers, some kids won't complain even when they should.
She'll be back. She may not comment, but I believe she will read a few more replies.
The last line of her first post did indicate that she is sensitive to criticism. It's never fun to think that decisions you make for your family may NOT be helping your kids. Home school vs traditional school? Organic vs non? Yes, 8 kids is a lot these days, but of course families with 1 kid manage to make mistakes. I am an example of that. LOL Most people do the best they can.
I just find it regretful when someone comes here, warns everyone about what kind of reply they DO NOT want, and then retreats and wants to shut down the thread just when people are posting helpful advice (except for the psycho "Larry Caldwell" stuff). Getting outside of the comfort zone is UNCOMFORTABLE. But so is change.
She said she wanted advice on how to change some VERY harmful behaviors from her daughter. I hope she still does.
Last edited by Jaded; 06-09-2014 at 03:08 AM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
