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I have two children a 3 year old little boy and a little girl who will be 5 in October. I also have an older brother who has 2 boys, one the same age as my daughter and another older son who is 8 (Johnny). the dilemma stands from the behavior of Johnny. I am looking to get unbiased opinions on the situation we recently experienced. We had a b-day party at our home for my 3 year old last weekend and during that party Johnny exhibited some odd behaviour. While most of the kids were out side playing in the pool my wife caught Johnny holding a wooden knife from a toy cooking set spying on my 4 year old daughter and a couple of similarly aged little girls, my wife asked "are you gonna scare them" and he looked at her with a straight face and said "no I am going to kill them". Later Johnny went up to an adult friend with a 2 year old toddler and asked if he was a "cop or robber" and when the adult said "cop", Johnny then pretended to stab the toddler with the wooden toy knife and said "die, die, die". Then again later she caught him wrestling with our 3 year old boy and Johnny had him in a choke hold and our boy was showing signs of distress when my wife quickly broke it up. After trying speak with my brother the reply was "well that is what boys do and he was just playing". My wife and I have always had trouble with my brother and sister in laws style of parenting. They joke and say we are helicopter parents...meaning we constantly hover over our children. needless to say it is troublesome since for the most part I get along really well with my brother and my wife is dead set on not letting our children be around theirs any more. I don't agree with the behavior of johnny but feel he is a good kid but just has very uninvolved parents. I am also curious as to whether or not this normal behavior for an 8 year old boy or if we are just over reacting? it just seemed strange to me that at a party with a slip and slide bounce house an 8 year old would be harassing 4 year old little girls and saying such dark stuff. Thanks in advance for sharing!
I definitely see where you are coming from. The boys behavior is not what I'd consider normal. Granted, I don't have any boys but I do have a brother. Growing up we played games like cops and robbers but there wasn't the "die!" Part and it involved lots of running and giggling. He lurking around with a knife is worrisome. When there are tons of things to do and that is his chosen activity? Is this normal for him? Does he exhibit these types of behaviors on a regular basis? Maybe he just felt isolated and alone at the party..? I would have to imagine that if he did stuff like that at school your brother and his wife would be notified by the teacher about his actions. Its hard to judge based on one incident... I'd trust my gut though.
Does he regularly play by himself? Do you ever see him interacting with other kids and if so, how does he seem around them?
When he said that to your wife she could have redirected and said "Oh, that would make me sad plz do not hurt anyone, I don't mind them being scared but killing them would not be good". Make the child think about what he is saying. When Johnny had your son in a choke hold, you could have said very loudly within ear shot of your brother "Johnny you are much bigger than my son and much stronger please let go of him it would not be good if you hurt him". Make the child think, not knowing much about the home life Johnny could be playing video games not appropriate for his age and in this day and age most kids think that once you die you come back because it happens on video games if that is all he used to seeing. He is a child and does not fully understand consequences to his actions. This should not be harped on however.
Whatever the reasons for Johnny's behavior (and there could be many reasons) your wife is right to want to limit their contact to times that they can be 100% supervised. If that is not possible, I would not hesitate to be very upfront with Johnny about behaviors that are not acceptable. 8 year olds are often no appropriate playmates for 3/4 year olds.
In a lot of public schools, if you say you are going to kill someone, you are likely to get suspended. My 6 year old daughter received a suspension warning for saying it!
IMHO parents let kids watch movies they shouldn't be watching.........maybe Johnny has been exposed to a bit too much.....or maybe he's just creepy.
His wording of wanting to kill would worry me. What did the parent of the toddler do when he started pretend stabbing? My son didn't behave like that or say those sorts of things at that age so in my mind it's not normal but I've only got one to go off of.
To not be around them at all any longer is extreme. Just keep a close eye out when you are and step up and say something when happening. Is this the first time you've noticed this behavior?
Pretend playing cop-robber is something and actually wanting to kill someone is something else. I dont think the behavior is normal at all, considering more than one situation occurred in a short span of time, all on the same evening.
I am guessing, he is into too much video games?
I would be wary to leave my children around him without adult supervision; choke hold?! What if your wife didnt catch them soon enough?
I have two children a 3 year old little boy and a little girl who will be 5 in October. I also have an older brother who has 2 boys, one the same age as my daughter and another older son who is 8 (Johnny). the dilemma stands from the behavior of Johnny. I am looking to get unbiased opinions on the situation we recently experienced. We had a b-day party at our home for my 3 year old last weekend and during that party Johnny exhibited some odd behaviour. While most of the kids were out side playing in the pool my wife caught Johnny holding a wooden knife from a toy cooking set spying on my 4 year old daughter and a couple of similarly aged little girls, my wife asked "are you gonna scare them" and he looked at her with a straight face and said "no I am going to kill them". Later Johnny went up to an adult friend with a 2 year old toddler and asked if he was a "cop or robber" and when the adult said "cop", Johnny then pretended to stab the toddler with the wooden toy knife and said "die, die, die". Then again later she caught him wrestling with our 3 year old boy and Johnny had him in a chokehold and our boy was showing signs of distress when my wife quickly broke it up. After trying speak with my brother the reply was "well that is what boys do and he was just playing". My wife and I have always had trouble with my brother and sister in laws style of parenting. They joke and say we are helicopter parents...meaning we constantly hover over our children. needless to say it is troublesome since for the most part I get along really well with my brother and my wife is dead set on not letting our children be around theirs any more. I don't agree with the behavior of johnny but feel he is a good kid but just has very uninvolved parents. I am also curious as to whether or not this normal behavior for an 8 year old boy or if we are just over reacting? it just seemed strange to me that at a party with a slip and slide bounce house an 8 year old would be harassing 4 year old little girls and saying such dark stuff. Thanks in advance for sharing!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stagemomma
Whatever the reasons for Johnny's behavior (and there could be many reasons) your wife is right to want to limit their contact to times that they can be 100% supervised. If that is not possible, I would not hesitate to be very upfront with Johnny about behaviors that are not acceptable. 8 year olds are often no appropriate playmates for 3/4 year olds.
In a lot of public schools, if you say you are going to kill someone, you are likely to get suspended. My 6 year old daughter received a suspension warning for saying it!
IMHO parents let kids watch movies they shouldn't be watching.........maybe Johnny has been exposed to a bit too much.....or maybe he's just creepy.
To the OP, I'm a retired special education teacher with decades of experience with young children.
The type of behavior that your nephew displayed is extremely unusual and disturbing. While a child may say in anger, "I'm going to kill you" (just like an adult may use those words during a fight) and not really mean it, your nephew's behavior is well beyond anything that is considered "normal play".
If I observed an 8 year old actually choking a younger child until he showed signs of distress, as a mandatory reporter of child abuse & neglect, I would immediately contact Children's Protective Services. That shows you how serious a matter it is. What if someone was not there to stop it?
I would also make sure that the 8 year old was not around family pets as they are in danger. If Johnny has already killed animals, even if "by accident", that is a huge, huge red flag that can not be ignored.
On the bright side, if the nephew attends school, and he has shown any of these behaviors there he would have already been reported to CPS and referred to a special education program for children with severe emotional/behavioral problems. If he is in school and neither of those things have happened then it is possible (unlikely but possible) that this behavior was unusual or a one time occurrence, perhaps due to watching a few scary movies or having a violent video game binge right before the party.
OP, have you observed your nephew doing things like this other times? Do you know if Johnny threatens to kill his little brother and put him in choke holds until he "shows signs of distress"?
I would not let your kids be alone around Johnny. If Johnny is visiting than either you or your wife should have eyes on your children at all times.
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