I'm awful at tough love... (clothes, high school, sister, sleep)
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Here's my take on it from the kid of divorced parents point of view. It may be a stretch, but maybe not. You said his dad has been in and out of his life. That stinks for the kid because as much as you can see what's really going on, that kid just wants his father to love and WANT him-doesn't matter how many times they get hurt, we'll take whatever bone it thrown sometimes. Now that his dad is back in his life, I'm betting he's lashing out at your husband because at 15, he can't reconcile in his self how to love both of these men without feeling like he's betraying his bio-logical father-the man he thinks he should be loyal to. And it sounds like your ex is probably not the type of guy telling him that it's ok that he loves both "fathers". It sounds like you're doing a great job, but if ALL of his parents are not on the same page and giving him the same message, then you are going to have a helluva time for the rest of his teenage years. The only reason I made it through mine with all of my step-parents and parents was because my mother and father made it clear that my step-parents were to be respected just as much as they were in their absense-mom made this point re: step mom and dad re: step dad. If we told my father my stepfather disciplined us he would say, "Damn straight he should and you better listen when he does." If that could happen with your son and his father, I bet you would see a huge improvement. But until then, it's not going to matter how much you defend your husband because his father is likely sending the message that either A) you're choosing your husband over your child and B) that's not his father so who cares. I'm sorry you're dealing with this-especially through the holidays.
PS: When your son comes around-he will so regret saying that about his brothers. I can't even fathom considering my father's kids with my stepmother ANYTHING but my brother and sister, and it makes me want to cry even trying to think of them the way your son referred to his brothers.
Thanks...yes, I wish we could all be on the same page...for my son's sake. But, his dad is out of my control. He's in his own world.
I think you and I both posted at the same time, so look back above your last post, I posted 2 updates.
Your post was very insightful. I think you have a good grasp of the situation for being out there in cyberspace.
Thank you.
I know what I am going through with a girl that does have ODD and ADHD, I've also researched till I was blue. There are other anger diagnoses that he may fall under. Look up ODD again, they are supposed to outgrow it.. it will usually turn into another disorder that may fit him better. It also can just be him not knowing how to express himself. I know my daughter has a hard time saying what she actually means and instead lashes out.
I don't doubt he knows he did wrong and screwed up. I don't doubt he wants nothing more then for your husband to just make like nothing happened and try again with a fresh slate. If he is able to do this and you then work on punishing him, slowly, working up to severity and being consistent and not arguing back, he may get somewhere. It's hard, I know it is. There are still days I lose my cool but I'm getting better. I do follow through with punishment, even if it is the internet & phone for 30 minutes to an hour.. it depends on the "crime".
You start going to counseling, then see if maybe one day you can pick him up for lunch, just the two of you, then say, hey, I have to be at the counselor & am running late, do you mind if we just go, you don't have to go in and talk. Maybe he will say ok, then the counselor can try to get him inside or speak to him in the waiting area? I agree with your hubby he needs counseling, but you may need to take baby steps, work up to it. Telling an adult how you feel is hard especially when you don't know them.
Also speak to his counselor.. ask if they know of a teen group at the library. He may feel more comfortable in that setting.
Try to think about how you would feel in his shoes. While it didn't all happen over night like you said.. it may have happened at the wrong time. He's a confused little boy who's world has slowly changed and he can't get used to that change.. at to that the conflict with the natural father.
Quote:
Originally Posted by twowolves
I got a call this morning from the paternal grandma. She recently was in the presence of my son and myself in the same room, 2wks ago. She heard him be rude to me, just light 'digs' if you will. She was very angered....and at one point had to leave the room or she said she was going to 'slap' him! Anyway, she has been working on son and his treatment of me. As son and the dad are sort of living at her house.
Her call was regarding this: she and son are going to 'bake' some kind of dish for me to just pop in the oven on Christmas morning for breakfast-they will prepare it today and bring it over later!! Yes, to this house! Where son has been refusing to come!
I asked her 'how did you get him to do it and agree to bring it here?' She said she just told him what they were gonna do....and then bring it over here....and he said 'ok'. I can't believe it!
I will post later as to what happens......say a prayer for us.
I'm glad this worked or may work! I hope it is a step in the right direction.
"I just told him what we were going to do" (by Grandma).
Grandmas (and Grandpas) can be so wise. I look forward to the wisdom one day.
I have used tough love on my husband and my son. Even when it does not seem to be working for them, it works for me. It keeps me focused and helps me to set boundaries for myself.
My young teen was diagnosed with ADD this past summer (not the active type). School would not test him because he was not two grades behind. I privately paid and the doctor hinted he might have some ODD. I printed out a questionaire and he honestly answered yes to all questions indicating traits of a person with ODD.
With tough love I have learned to teach him right from wrong. At first I thought I was a bad parent and I still cringe when I remember all the teachers meeting me after school in the parking lot to vent to me about my son or all the calls from principals. I continue to teach but let him deal with all the bad stuff from his decisions. It almost breaks your heart but I have faith that one day he will go straight on the path of life and not keeping making all those crazy turns. We all are unique and some of us have more problems then others....we are not cookie-cutter people (thankful). I am a good parent and there is a plan for this person.....he just has to go through this stuff to figure it out on his own and to get there. It hurts but think of it as stepping stones.
Another similarity is that my son's Father died when he was 3 going on 4. I raised him alone for years then married a man who was going to be there and do all this great stuff with him...NOT! It was a disappointment to him for sure and it hurt (his words). This could make him strong, appreciate the good people in his life later on, etc. Only time will tell.
Just hang in there.
One good thing so far is my son realizes he is not a person people and his making a living will have to reflect this. Seeds of wisdom starting to pop through!
Thanks...yes, I wish we could all be on the same page...for my son's sake. But, his dad is out of my control. He's in his own world.
My heart goes out to you, I know exactly what this is like as I've said. I don't want to get too personal on a message board.. let's put it this way, I have a restraining order against mine.. mine decided to tell my daughter all sorts of things since she was in grade K... I never hit your mother.. your mother this.. your mother that.
Now that mine is 14, things are coming out. I give her credit, instead of getting out of hand with me, she actually discusses things.. how she's feeling. It took a lot of time, did not happen in a day, and every now and then she does revert but I am seeing an improvement. I've learned how to talk to her.. she's not at all like my 22 year old who I can discuss anything with, but she will now talk to me now that I try not to keep bringing things up.
What brought about the improvement? Getting the toxic people out of her life, including her father. I can't tell you how good she's been since she knows she doesn't have to see him every other week.. it was a load off of her back. He's just like your Ex.. she is not watched, he throws her to neighbors. He's cheap, last year she was up there for Christmas; he didn't get her anything. She was so hurt & pissed off. I think this was what ended up getting to her, he was not on the pedastal now and she was able to relax.
You & your hubby should sit down and try to get a game plan to see if you can figure out a way to get the pressure off of your son. I find that my hubby isn't as understanding as I am, chances are your's doesn't understand what's going on with your son either. As I said, I don't excuse his behavior; he was wrong, but right now your son has a wall up, even though the wall he chose is backfiring in his face. You and your hubby know it is, your son is probably more hurt and ashamed by that, but he looks up to you, both of you and needs you to guide him back without shoving it in his face that he made a mistake. Let him grow.. let him see how you deal with it, that you can forgive, and he will be able to forgive & hopefully move on too. I think that after dealing with my daughter, my husband acting like nothing happened has been the best for her. If he stays mad for a few days, I see her start to get frustrated / angry because she doesn't understand why he's holding a grudge. This in turn does nothing for her behavior.. thankfully she doesn't lash out here, but we have issues at school. One step at a time. I also wonder if your hubby picked him up one day and took him out, one on one if that will make the relationship better. We've gone to the mall shopping for clothes for school, my hubby will offer to pay.. it means a lot to my daughter because she knows he isn't her father and doesn't have to buy her anything. Her face actually lights up.
With his grandma making the plans for today like she did and him going along with it, hopefully will open a new door. Understand that if you keep bringing up that night and how hurt you & your hubby are will only alienate him more. He is ready to move on and come back in your lives, now you need to slowly get him back into things. Once he sees that you can move on, I think he'll start letting his guard down, then you can talk about counseling. Ask the counselor what he suggests.. maybe tell your son that you are going to learn how to deal with his feelings and trying to be a better mother to him. Tell him you understand how he is feeling and that you understand if he's having a tough time with things (sharing you, how his life changed) because you are too. If he hears that you are working on yourself to better your relationship, he just may go with you because now the pressure is off of him even though you are really going to see what's going on with him.
While I understand where your hubby is coming from with wanting counseling, can't you guys meet in the middle, maybe set a time limit of say 30 days after he's back with you? This will give you time to ease into things. In that time if he does come home, punish him if he messes up but punish him so that it's not too much, he may feel picked on. Work up to larger punishment. If your hubby knows what to expect, that you will follow through and what the plan is, you will all have pressure off.
I don't know what to tell you about his BF. He's at the age where he needs him in his life but it's really not beneficial to him. Hopefully a counselor can tell you how to best deal with it. It's hard, especially with him being so close to where you live. It's too convenient for him to run there when things are bad. Remember that this is new territory for him. He didn't have him in his life all of those years and is trying to find balance between both places / people. He must be one confused little boy.
Also think about doing as TCK did and get him evaluated. After having the school system pay for the evaluation with us, I found out that my daughter was mentally 2 years behind.. so while she is a 14 year old, she thinks like a 12 year old. Once I learned this, things started making sense. I understand your son has a high IQ and is very smart, but emotionally, what level do you think he is? If the school won't pay for it, try getting an advocate. I went 3 years trying to get her evaluated before getting an advocate.. and wouldn't you know it, as soon as they saw I had someone that knew the system, they did it.
You'll have to post to let us know how it goes today. Hopefully it went good and maybe during winter break you can communicate & spend some time together away from the house.
Hopefully my post is in order. I have to stop now to get my daughter for her med appointment.
He and the grandma came at around 5. She stayed and did paperwork while we visited.....he brought 2 gifts for each brother.
I got out his gifts and we all sat down while he and the little ones opened gifts. My husband video taped. Son posed for pics too with me and his 3yr old brother.
I was very impressed to learn that the gifts he got for his brothers, were actually 'picked out' by him at Target!! And, they were very appropriate...he especially put much thought into the 3yr olds gifts. The littlest brother got 2 board books. The 3yr old got a Curious George DVD and a Curious George 4 book set!! He actually knew the 3yr old loves to watch Curious George cartoons on PBS!! And, remembered that the 3yr old's recent bday party theme was just that!! Curious George.
Then, after gifts, he asked my husband to shave his head as his hair was growing back in....he likes it real short right now w/wrestling. So, I left the 2 of them alone in the garage doing that......while the grandma and I chatted.
They were here for a little over an hour. It was real nice.
My husband had written a short note in son's Christmas card and after he read it, he gave my husband a smile and a 'thanks'.
All in all, it went really well. I can't complain. A huge accomplishment. Thank you all and Merry Christmas to all as well..... I am pretty happy right now.
He and the grandma came at around 5. She stayed and did paperwork while we visited.....he brought 2 gifts for each brother.
I got out his gifts and we all sat down while he and the little ones opened gifts. My husband video taped. Son posed for pics too with me and his 3yr old brother.
I was very impressed to learn that the gifts he got for his brothers, were actually 'picked out' by him at Target!! And, they were very appropriate...he especially put much thought into the 3yr olds gifts. The littlest brother got 2 board books. The 3yr old got a Curious George DVD and a Curious George 4 book set!! He actually knew the 3yr old loves to watch Curious George cartoons on PBS!! And, remembered that the 3yr old's recent bday party theme was just that!! Curious George.
Then, after gifts, he asked my husband to shave his head as his hair was growing back in....he likes it real short right now w/wrestling. So, I left the 2 of them alone in the garage doing that......while the grandma and I chatted.
They were here for a little over an hour. It was real nice.
My husband had written a short note in son's Christmas card and after he read it, he gave my husband a smile and a 'thanks'.
All in all, it went really well. I can't complain. A huge accomplishment. Thank you all and Merry Christmas to all as well..... I am pretty happy right now.
Very good news. Merry Christmas twowolves. What a great present for everyone!! I would send grandma a big note of thanks for her part in this.
All in all, it went really well. I can't complain. A huge accomplishment. Thank you all and Merry Christmas to all as well..... I am pretty happy right now.
Glad to hear it went well!
btw, I had a thought. Do you think his natural fathers mother will work on him with counseling? His NF told him he didn't need it, so maybe if she suggests it?
He and the grandma came at around 5. She stayed and did paperwork while we visited.....he brought 2 gifts for each brother.
I got out his gifts and we all sat down while he and the little ones opened gifts. My husband video taped. Son posed for pics too with me and his 3yr old brother.
I was very impressed to learn that the gifts he got for his brothers, were actually 'picked out' by him at Target!! And, they were very appropriate...he especially put much thought into the 3yr olds gifts. The littlest brother got 2 board books. The 3yr old got a Curious George DVD and a Curious George 4 book set!! He actually knew the 3yr old loves to watch Curious George cartoons on PBS!! And, remembered that the 3yr old's recent bday party theme was just that!! Curious George.
Then, after gifts, he asked my husband to shave his head as his hair was growing back in....he likes it real short right now w/wrestling. So, I left the 2 of them alone in the garage doing that......while the grandma and I chatted.
They were here for a little over an hour. It was real nice.
My husband had written a short note in son's Christmas card and after he read it, he gave my husband a smile and a 'thanks'.
All in all, it went really well. I can't complain. A huge accomplishment. Thank you all and Merry Christmas to all as well..... I am pretty happy right now.
NICE!!
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Been there..am there.
I am pretty happy right now.
