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Old 12-15-2007, 12:53 PM
 
1,472 posts, read 2,231,714 times
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Some of you will remember my last post re:my teenage son....leaving our house and staying at dads.

Quick history: I left his dad when he was 18mos old...due to verbal/mental abuse, never married. Met my current husband when son was 4, married when son was 8. Now son is 15yrs old, 9th grade. I have 2 more children by my husband, 3 and 18mos. Sons dad has always lived locally and through the years has been fleeting in and out of son's life, taking son on weekends when convenient to him and blowing off holidays/bdays like nothing.

Since son entered his teens, the dad has been more involved....especially in the past year. I have to admit, my son has needed this to happen. At his age, a dad is very important, as the boy is finding himself. And needs the love of a father. Especially a bio father. My husband has been wonderful to my son throughout all these years, but is not his bio-dad.

In October 2006, my son started getting more attitude-y with me. And only me. He was visiting his dad for a weekend, the dad and I got into a 'tiff' on the phone (can you believe it? it was over me faxing him my sons grades at 9am on a sunday-I woke him up!)....and next thing I knew, 10mos went by before my son came home. He wouldn't even answer my calls...texts nothing. During that time, he also only saw his siblings a few times. I was DEVASTATED.

He came back here in August, I later found out because the dad NEEDED him to. The dad's license got revoked/suspended (I think drunken driving)...and so he couldn't take care of son. Everything was good for about a month. Son was polite and nice enough. We were so happy he was back, that's all I cared about. Well, around late September, my son's attitude starting turning really rude and disrespectful again....back like the year before, prior to his first estrangement.

It all blew up on October 18, late at night. I woke up my husband, he let loose on son for the first time EVER and said some truthful but very hurtful things to my son. 11years of pent-up frustration came out of my husband that night. I just basically stood there wide-eyed...and said nothing. Son called his dad, he was crying. His dad came and took him again. Well, he hasn't been back yet. And is again ignoring my calls and texts.

Unbeknownst to me, my son and the dad were secretly planning on my son leaving here as soon as the dad could get his life back in order. In other words, they were using me and my husband.

I have been seeing him atleast once a week because he's on the wrestling team and I will not let him take these moments away from me. He is pretty decent mostly during these matches...his dad is there too and is also nice to me. I ask the dad once in awhile 'whats going on with him? why won't he come for a visit or call? why is he so mad?' The dad is useless and says 'it's not my problem, it 's between you and him'.

The last match a few days ago, my husband and the children also came. It was son and husbands first time seeing each other since that awful night. It seemed to go fine, my son was cordial to my husband...who was cheering him on as he wrestled. And my son talked to the 3yr old a little bit, asking him...'who am I?' just to see if his little brother remembers him. Sad. My son basically ignored the 18mos old, which was sort of painful for me to watch.

According to my son, he's still mad about that 'night'. Well, both my husband and myself have apologized to son via his cell phone VM (because he won't answer) for our words that were said that night. We figured we're the adults and needed to open the door for a resolution. Well, son is still mad.

His guidance counselor is great and met with him yesterday. She asked him if he plans on coming here for any part of Christmas and to see his little brothers. He said NO. I had left him a VM a few days back saying 'I hope you plan on spending some time here for Christmas....'. Well, he gave her his answer I guess, but he hasn't told me the answer yet.

What should I do re:Christmas? Should I call him once more and act like I don't know what he's doing? Should I dump his gifts at the dad's door?

After Christmas, I plan on really distancing myself from him. I am sick of this, I am his MOTHER. I have been his biggest and most loyal cheerleader for his whole life. I have loved him unconditionally, never stopping. I am currently in such pain. Why can't I turn it into ANGER? Why? I would never let any man treat me the way that I let my son treat me! He is rude and mean to me!! And seems to enjoy it!

The weird thing is....he's SUCH a nice person to everyone else!!!!! EVERYONE LOVES MY SON!

The one thing that occasionally goes through my mind is this. Is he jealous that I had two more children and is in a way saying to me....'now you have 2 more kids, I am outta here...so suffer.....' This thought kills me to think it. I have several times flat out asked him "Are you jealous of the boys?" He blatantly denies it every time.

I just want to be mad, but for some reason, every time I do, I feel like I am giving up on my son and that a mother should never give up on their child.

Maybe some one has some insight and can introduce it to me in such a way that will help me to see this in the true light that I should be seeing it in?!

Last time I posted, such nice sweet people posted and helped me immensely....

Last edited by twowolves; 12-15-2007 at 02:00 PM..
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Old 12-15-2007, 01:02 PM
 
Location: In the sunshine on a ship with a plank
3,413 posts, read 7,834,257 times
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I wish I had a definitive answer but I don't. One thought I have- could he just be flexing his independence and showing you that he's in charge of his own life? I may be way off base.

I so wished that you posted good news this time. As for the gifts, the tough part of me wants to tell you to return them but I don't think I could do that if I were in your shoes. I know you've tried to have him visit but what if you offered to meet him someplace like a Pizza shop or something for a quick lunch or dinner and to give him his gifts?
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Old 12-15-2007, 01:17 PM
 
Location: huh?
3,099 posts, read 1,912,862 times
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wow, im sorry this is happening. something definitely sounds weird but i cant put my finger on it. sounds like something is missing? your son is obviously holding a grudge against you for something. what that is i cant tell. it is never too late though to fix things! it definitely sounds fixable! your son should definitely spend some christmas time with you at your place. dont just drop presents off at his dad's door! why dont the two of you see a counselor together for a few sessions? he is still so young that this whole problem can be fixed, i know it! maybe he has some type of mood disorder?
maybe his father has brainwashed him against you? go to counseling with him please! do not give up on your relationship with him!
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Old 12-15-2007, 01:25 PM
 
1,472 posts, read 2,231,714 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pirate girl View Post
I wish I had a definitive answer but I don't. One thought I have- could he just be flexing his independence and showing you that he's in charge of his own life? I may be way off base.
Could be...but why such drama about it?? And why estrange completely from your home?? And not even answer texts??!

IMO, his behavior is way severe...and strange.
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Old 12-15-2007, 01:28 PM
 
1,472 posts, read 2,231,714 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nicolepsy View Post
wow, im sorry this is happening. something definitely sounds weird but i cant put my finger on it. sounds like something is missing? your son is obviously holding a grudge against you for something. what that is i cant tell. it is never too late though to fix things! it definitely sounds fixable! your son should definitely spend some christmas time with you at your place. dont just drop presents off at his dad's door! why dont the two of you see a counselor together for a few sessions? he is still so young that this whole problem can be fixed, i know it! maybe he has some type of mood disorder?
maybe his father has brainwashed him against you? go to counseling with him please! do not give up on your relationship with him!
Yes, he is definitely holding a grudge...but for what? Been there done that with counseling. That's not an option right now. He's been to multiple different counselors over the past year.

Don't see signs of a mood disorder, like I said, his ''mood'' is only with me. Other than that, like I said, he's great to everyone else. He does have the normal/typical teenage behavior/moods though.

Last edited by twowolves; 12-15-2007 at 01:58 PM..
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Old 12-15-2007, 01:35 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes + some
2,885 posts, read 1,421,488 times
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I would leave him alone (Christmas) and let him know you are available when he is ready but you feel he wants you to give him space. That way you're off the hook and he will be responsible for his own decisions. I would call him from time to time to check in.
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Old 12-15-2007, 01:57 PM
 
Location: Looking East and hoping!
28,227 posts, read 19,210,597 times
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My heart goes out to you. He is at an age where his hormones are raging, he's confused, unsure of himself. Could your ex be taking advantage of this and turning him against you?

My 17 y.o. grandson has an absent father-has had no contact for over 12 yrs. He's very lucky to have great father figures in his life-one he calls Dad. But I know deep inside his pain must be immense.

Take time with your son, give him a little space and always let him know you're there and ready to hold him in your arms when he's ready.
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Old 12-15-2007, 02:08 PM
 
Location: Chicago
2,467 posts, read 11,119,300 times
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I would call your son and invite him to your home for Christmas and that if he is willing to come and show you respect, he can join you and get his presents. Otherwise, no presents. Seriously. You can get him stuff and hold onto it and he can earn it by being respectful. That's it. Make it clear that is what you are doing! Do not dump off presents at his dads.
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Old 12-15-2007, 02:13 PM
 
2,222 posts, read 9,138,912 times
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Hi twowolves,

I'm sorry to hear there has not been any improvement between you and your son. I know my tough love stance (outlined in your previous thread) may not be popular but it is still my opinion on what I would do in your position. Your son is learning that he can treat you badly and get away with it, and as you previously stated, watch you grovel toward him. What you are doing does not appear to be working for you. Perhaps you need to try something new. I wish I had something else to offer as I know this is painful for you, but I don't. I wish you well in your search for answers. Beth
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Old 12-15-2007, 02:16 PM
 
2,222 posts, read 9,138,912 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jessiegirl_98 View Post
I would call your son and invite him to your home for Christmas and that if he is willing to come and show you respect, he can join you and get his presents. Otherwise, no presents. Seriously. You can get him stuff and hold onto it and he can earn it by being respectful. That's it. Make it clear that is what you are doing! Do not dump off presents at his dads.

My thoughts exactly! Thank you. Beth
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