Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 06-24-2014, 11:17 AM
 
Location: New York City
2,814 posts, read 6,859,270 times
Reputation: 3193

Advertisements

Just be careful that you and your dh are not trying to teach her a lesson at this innocent baby's expense.

 
Old 06-24-2014, 11:26 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 25,056,304 times
Reputation: 51113
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
I was wondering if Ivory has even asked DD1 what her plans are. Maybe she and her BF have a plan and don't want or need Ivory's help.
If the future father has gotten a second job it sounds like he is already "stepping up". Maybe the young couple have already made a plan.
 
Old 06-24-2014, 11:37 AM
 
Location: Where we enjoy all four seasons
20,797 posts, read 9,723,381 times
Reputation: 15936
I very rarely come here but I have to say that it is a sad sad thread....I thought a mother's love was supposed to be unconditional. This is a time when a girl needs her Mom the most and she has been rejected by a mother who thinks she is holier than thou.
She is not allowed to sleep in her room because the boyfriend will come too? If she is not allowed in his house they don't have to put him up. A child who is adored and loved will thrive in no matter how much space they have. A child who is rejected won't thrive anywhere. It isn't about things or space it's about love.


If the DD lacks empathy I wonder where she got it...I wonder how the Mother sleeps at night knowing how her grandchild and own daughter has to sleep in the back seat of a car..yup that's giving her a taste of her own medicine for sure.

Do you really think by handing her a piece of paper with the name of services is being supportive? Very sad

She will hate you forever

There is an innocent child involved and she/he will be taught to hate at a very young age and when she/he meets Grandma she will feel it.
 
Old 06-24-2014, 11:46 AM
 
Location: Where the heart is...
4,927 posts, read 5,294,262 times
Reputation: 10673
Default Best wishes for a beautiful, healthy, happy, grandchild!

Below is the site for WIC and it has, I believe, an answer for any of the many questions you may have.

USDA (United States Department of Agriculture) Food & Nutrition Service

Women, Infants and Children (WIC)

The WIC Prescreening Tool is a web-based application intended to help potential WIC applicants determine if they are likely to be eligible for WIC benefits. Users who are likely to be eligible to receive WIC benefits are provided with State-specific contact information and are encouraged to make a certification appointment with their WIC local agencies. Additionally, users are provided with a printable summary of their responses and a list of examples of the documentation that is required at an initial certification appointment.

WIC Eligibility Requirements | Food and Nutrition Service


Women, Infants and Children

WIC State Agencies organized alphabetically by state agency name

WIC State agencies-alphabetical
 
Old 06-24-2014, 11:48 AM
 
Location: St. George, Utah
755 posts, read 1,116,150 times
Reputation: 1973
Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyworld View Post
I very come here but I have to say that it is a sad sad thread....I thought a mother's love was supposed to be unconditional. This is a time when a girl needs her Mom the most and she has been rejected by a mother who thinks she is holier than thou.
She is not allowed to sleep in her room because the boyfriend will come too? If she is not allowed in his house they don't have to put him up. A child who is adored and loved will thrive in no matter how much space they have. A child who is rejected won't thrive anywhere. It isn't about things or space it's about love.


If the DD lacks empathy I wonder where she got it...I wonder how the Mother sleeps at night knowing how her grandchild and own daughter has to sleep in the back seat of a car..yup that's giving her a taste of her own medicine for sure.

Do you really think by handing her a piece of paper with the name of services is being supportive? Very sad

She will hate you forever

There is an innocent child involved and she/he will be taught to hate at a very young age and when she/he meets Grandma she will feel it.
The background of this particular (adult) child is that she refuses to do for herself as long as she can get away with it. Further hobbling her progress to independence isn't "love", it's enabling, and it's damaging.

You have to give Ivory some credit for being very involved, wanting to do something for her daughter but not wanting to set her back into the pattern they just tentatively broke. It's important, if she's going to be a parent, for her newfound independence to be fostered. (Sometimes it seems like Ivory's motivation is also to make a point/make daughter pay--she's been encouraged repeatedly to change this orientation.)

I don't think she is sleeping in her car every night. Where is she showering? Keeping her clothes? She is either couch surfing or sneaking into BF's house. And if she's sleeping in her car for a week or two, as long as it's parked in a safe place, SHE IS 19!! She can handle it. Being newly pregnant does not make a woman physically fragile.

Emotionally fragile, yes. Many of us have encouraged Ivory to address that part of the equation and I do think she's doing so to a degree, though if she is communicating the level of disdain she displays here on CD to her daughter, that's not helpful. I'm hoping that she is venting here and is gentler with her daughter.


I LOVE the idea upthread to give them a week to get an apartment for $xx support from you, and to offer $xx monthly toward the rent for the first year, and something less the second year. What an awesome, supportive, practical way to approach it. Maybe boyfriend's parents could do so as well, or agree to make the car insurance payment or something for a limited time.

I am totally tucking that idea away in case one of my 4 needs my support, but not my enabling!
 
Old 06-24-2014, 12:02 PM
 
5,291 posts, read 5,216,211 times
Reputation: 18657
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
Kudos to you for not enabling your daughter to continue to make ridiculous decisions. She may continue to do so but at least you're not HELPING her make more poor decisions.

When my 19 year old daughter told me she was pregnant, we were in the middle of a move to a smaller house (one less bedroom) because she had voluntarily moved out and was going to college, working 30 hours a week, and otherwise "making it" on her own (not that we weren't helping her financially in some ways - groceries, some gas, tuition, etc - but she was for the most part supporting herself, and at a very young age). She had just begun dating a guy who we DID NOT APPROVE OF and couldn't imagine her being with long term - and we were right, because they had already broken things off before she even knew she was pregnant.

I helped her move into her own apartment. By "helping her," I mean I helped her furnish it (with some of our old stuff as well as resale/thrift shop finds) and I paid her deposits and first month's rent - but after that, she was on her own. She would only qualify for all the other income-related benefits if she lived on her own rather than under our roof, so that made the most sense, even though translated that meant that she absolutely had to maintain a job in order to maintain a roof over her head. Amazing what people are capable of when they know they have to do it. She worked full time, paid ALL her bills, and kept every single doctor appointment. She absolutely would not have kept that job if Mama had been allowing her to live at home, on Mama's insurance, with Mama paying all the bills.

I also didn't want to ex boyfriend drama under my roof either. I'm glad to say, they decided not to "stay together for the sake of the baby." They broke things off entirely, and in fact a few months before the baby was born, my daughter met a terrific guy who was VERY impressed with her sense of responsibility and independence. They began dating (yes, when she was seven months pregnant) and two years after the baby was born, they got married. That was eleven years ago. He became an Air Force officer and eventually was able to adopt my daughter's child. They now have four kids together, including a little boy who they adopted from Korea. They are both exemplary parents.

But it all started with some tough love. I do not believe my daughter's character would have been nearly as strong and good and determined if I'd made things easy for her on the front end.
Havent gotten thru the whole thread, but finally someone gets it. Ivory can help her daughter without having her move in. As we've read in the past, if the daughter moves back in, Im sure she will never move out and Ivory will be raising another child. Bad bad bad situation.
 
Old 06-24-2014, 12:37 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,466,787 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by gimme it View Post
Just be careful that you and your dh are not trying to teach her a lesson at this innocent baby's expense.
Let's hope that is not the case. In many ways we're damned if we do and damned if we don't here. I really would prefer she give this child to someone who is in position to care for it. She just isn't. We have 7 months to get her in position. That's not a lot of time to grow up.
 
Old 06-24-2014, 12:40 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,466,787 times
Reputation: 14692
Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivalday View Post
Havent gotten thru the whole thread, but finally someone gets it. Ivory can help her daughter without having her move in. As we've read in the past, if the daughter moves back in, Im sure she will never move out and Ivory will be raising another child. Bad bad bad situation.
I'm sure she'll never move out and I'll be raising the baby too. That's why her moving back home cannot happen. We'll just add struggling to get her to raise her own child to the list of problems we had with her before. To be honest, a homeless shelter would come before her moving back home. I know that if she comes back, she'll drop right back into her old ways this time using the baby as the excuse. While I love her boyfriend to pieces, I think there's a limit to how much of this he'll take and she could end up alone. I think everyone's best shot is them in their own apartment and both working to make it work. They will need help though. While I'm not a fan of welfare because frankly it's usually stupid decisions that land people on welfare (and my dd's decisions have been stupid here), there is a baby involved and that has to be considered. If the help comes from the state, she can't whine and cry for more. She gets what she gets. And she won't like having to use food stamps so she'll be motivated to work her way off the system.

Fortunately, we have some furniture to give her and she has a bedroom set. She has some savings bonds I bought for her when she was little that were intended for personal expenses when she want away to college to use for a down payment on an apartment so she can do first, last and her security deposit. WIC and food stamps should allow her and the baby to eat well. His income should be able to make the rent payment on the apartment. I think we can get them in their own place where she has no choice but to take care of her own child and still be supportive of her and her boyfriend. We are not, however, going to offer a "come live with us" option. I just don't think that is the right move. I think that will land us right back where we were with a baby added to the equation. She knows damned well that if she doesn't tend to the baby I will. She has to be in a situation where she has no choice but to have a job and take care of her own child or I fear she will expect someone else to take care of her and the baby.

Last edited by Ivorytickler; 06-24-2014 at 12:49 PM..
 
Old 06-24-2014, 12:43 PM
 
16,715 posts, read 19,355,889 times
Reputation: 41482
Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyworld View Post
I thought a mother's love was supposed to be unconditional.
I think in this case, she has no choice but to "teach" her daughter a valuable lesson. Have you read her other posts about how her daughter didn't want to work, wouldn't get a drivers license even, because everything was handed to her?

I personally think her daughter will actually learn to respect her mother and grow up some. I should know; I've been in her daughter's exact shoes.

Also, no, love is not unconditional. If my children were ever to kill someone intentionally (via a crime, not in defense), they would be dead to me. I will never understand these parents who run out and get a lawyer for their little darling who just killed the neighbor for money. JMHO.
 
Old 06-24-2014, 12:45 PM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,099,791 times
Reputation: 32726
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Let's hop that is not the case. In many ways we're damned if we do and damned if we don't here. I really would prefer she give this child to someone who is in position to care for it. She just isn't. We have 7 months to get her in position. That's not a lot of time to grow up.
Let's hope that's not the case? You either are or you aren't. it is your place to make sure it isn't happening, not to "hope" for it.

You were supposed to be helping her grow up for the last 19 years. She shouldn't have to do it all at once in 7 months. I also think it is pretty safe to say she did this on purpose. You said she had baby clothes in her dresser. She signed up for this. You can help without enabling, and you can help without turning to public assitance.

I don't see where you ever said if you bothered to ask her what her plan is. Maybe you don't need to do anything. They are young but they are both working. Maybe she doesn't want your help.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 09:41 AM.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top