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The son is not punishing OP! It's just not that important to spend time with her to him. I bet that there is a whole lot of background between OP and her son that we don't know about.
The son is not punishing OP! It's just not that important to spend time with her to him. I bet that there is a whole lot of background between OP and her son that we don't know about.
You're the 2nd poster who insinuated there must be more to the story when the OP insinuated nothing of the sort.
He is spending time with his family. If he's in the area for a weekend, three hours of that time is spent traveling back and forth to his parents home. If he's there for a few hours, that can easily take up most of a day. I think he's doing as much as he can under the circumstances.
"Coming over for a bit at some point..." =vague and passive.
I said the same thing today to my parents about 4th of July weekend. My brother is coming home for the weekend, so my mom had asked if I was coming over. I wasn't really sure of our plans yet, so I said we'd probably come over at some point either Saturday or Sunday. I wasn't being vague or passive, I just didn't know my plans. The same is probably true with the son. He might not know what the gf's family has planned for that weekend, so at the time he talked to her he wasn't really sure of an exact time.
As far as the son not wanting to stay the night, maybe its not even him who has the problem. Maybe its the girlfriend who doesn't like the arrangement. I always hated visiting my SO parent's house because they made us sleep in separate bedrooms. Or one time they had other family over so one of us had to sleep on an air mattress on the floor with the door open. I know it was because of their religious beliefs, and I respected their wishes, but at the same time I felt like they were treating us like teenagers. We lived together, and at the time had been together for 3 years. By not letting us stay in the same room, even though we lived together, it made me feel like they were judging and disapproved of our relationship. If my parent's only lived an hour or two away, I would have much preferred to stay over at their house instead. They never had a problem with us sleeping in the same bedroom, even with my younger brother living in the house. It just made the whole trip more relaxed and comfortable.
Obviously there is more going on if the son only wants to visit for a couple of hours. Like another poster said, if he really wanted to spend time with his family he would come over in the morning and stay all day. But he doesn't, so the sleeping situation is probably just an excuse to not hurt his mom's feelings.
He is spending time with his family. If he's in the area for a weekend, three hours of that time is spent traveling back and forth to his parents home. If he's there for a few hours, that can easily take up most of a day. I think he's doing as much as he can under the circumstances.
He is limiting his time when he's in the area for longer than a weekend.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pomm8
So that Christmas, my son and his girlfriend came only twice in the whole week they were here. Once to visit us for a few hours then again for Christmas dinner when there were numerous people here. That's it.
Last Christmas he was able to get only four days off. So we only saw him for a few hours at Christmas dinner.
I don't think the son is necessarily being purposely malicious. Maybe his GF wears the pants and makes the decision about where they stay. It is quite possible he gives it very little thought and figures a short visit is good enough. Maybe they prefer the company of her parents. Maybe they have more friends in his GF's town. There are a lot of possibilities.
I don't think the son is necessarily being purposely malicious. Maybe his GF wears the pants and makes the decision about where they stay. It is quite possible he gives it very little thought and figures a short visit is good enough. Maybe they prefer the company of her parents. Maybe they have more friends in his GF's town. There are a lot of possibilities.
This is what I was thinking. Lots of jumping to conclusions here.
I don't think the son is necessarily being purposely malicious. Maybe his GFwears the pants and makes the decision about where they stay. It is quite possible he gives it very little thought and figures a short visit is good enough. Maybe they prefer the company of her parents. Maybe they have more friends in his GF's town. There are a lot of possibilities.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom
This is what I was thinking. Lots of jumping to conclusions here.
That is a possibility, too. Maybe his girl friend plans the whole trip, "Of course, we have dinner with my parents every night. On Monday, we see my Aunt Jenny and all of my cousins. On Tuesday, we go to lunch with my friends, Ken & Barbie and then see a movie. On Wednesday, we meet my HS friends at the museum, On Thursday, we go shopping at the new mall & I suppose that we can squeeze in a brief visit with your parents, if you absolutely insist on it."
The GF's family is 1-1/2 hours away. The OP believes that's why he only visits briefly since a 2 hour visit takes 5 hours. The reality is the OP's son could visit for more than a couple of hours. He could arrive in the late morning and leave in the evening. It's obviously he's choosing to not spend significant time a the OP's house, and he's using the sleeping arrangements as a reason to avoid spending much time there. If the OP eliminated the separate quarters requirement and he and his GF stayed at the OP's house, I'll bet he would spend more than a couple of hours visiting the girlfriend's parents.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes
He is limiting his time when he's in the area for longer than a weekend.
Yeah, but it's still a 3 hour drive EACH day he visits mom, plus I'm sure they'd like to spend time with the GF family too. Pretty rude if they just use it as a crash pad and basically leave immediately after breakfast and don't return until dinnertime or later.
A four day visit doesn't leave much time for more than a day spent with mom. We don't know how much time they spend traveling from their own home to the GF's parents or how tired they are on arrival, so that could play into it too. Don't know about you, but if I drive six or eight hours to a relatives house it takes about a half day to rest relax and get back up to speed and feel like visiting with the very people I came to see.
My son lives roughly an hour and a half from me, I feel lucky if I get a six hour visit out of a trip here, but typically it's more often about four hours. I don't mind, he does want to spend a part of his day alone with GF that accompanies him and I totally get that. I do remember being that age and not wanting to spend the whole day with family, much as I love them. Quality over quantity too, if they have a good visit does it matter much whether it's three hours or five. Why keep score?
(Additionally if this guys mom is all in a tither about them living a lifestyle she doesn't approve of then I can also see why he might not want to be around her for hours and hours at a time. )
It is not passive-aggressive to refuse to comply with what others want you do to.
"Passive-aggressive behavior is the indirect expression of hostility, such as through procrastination, sarcasm, hostile jokes, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible."
The mother wants the son to spend the night but not in the same bed with his girlfriend of several years.
The son says either we sleep together or the visits will be brief.
Nothing passive-aggressive, no indirect expression of hostility here. It's very clear and straightforward on both sides.
Some think the son should comply with his mother's wishes out of respect for her.
Others think the mother is fighting a losing battle and should wake up and smell the coffee.
Last edited by GotHereQuickAsICould; 06-29-2014 at 10:51 PM..
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