Son and his girlfriend barely visit due to sleeping arrangement (kid, teach)
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Can someone explain to me how it's disrespectful for the OP's son to follow her rules? It basically boils down to "You can stay here but only under this condition" and he is saying "I am not okay with that condition so I will stay elsewhere". It's like some people think the only respectful course of action is for the son to stay with his parents and sleep in a separate room from his gf.
Is it really only respectful if one specific outcome of the either/or statement happens?
As for me personally, when I go home to visit, I stay in a hotel with my bf, but that is because neither set of parents would allow us to stay together in their house at all (unless we got married). So our choices are to stay separately with our families or stay together in a hotel. We stay in a hotel and visit the families. It's the best choice because we are abiding by their rules while still doing what we want to do (stay together).
I just don't understand how this is disrespectful, immature, or selfish...maturity and respectfulness doesn't come from picking the course of action that mom would choose...in an attempt to make her happy...how mature is someone who won't make their own decisions? I can understand that you'd be happier if he stayed with you, but I don't think it is fair to be upset with him for abiding by your rules, even if he's not choosing your preferred part of your either/or statement.
Staying in a hotel is a good choice for people of any age, or marital status. Staying in someone elses home can be a pain and I sometimes do this when visiting family in order to have privacy. If hotels are available nearby this could be an option for the son to spend more time with his mother without spending the night in her house. As I stated before it is doubtful that the son will change his convictions, and the mother her will not either. I bet there are deeper issues between these two than just this, I bet there was an ongoing power struggle between them about how he would live his life long before the girlfriend. There is no telling who is at fault here, only the two of them know. Staying in a hotel nearby is the best option.
I just really don't feel comfortable with allowing them to share the same bed. My husband and I both never shared the bed under our parents' roof until we were married. We were going to do this with our children. The other kids are 16 and 14 years old.
I don't think he is being passive aggressive. I think he just simply don't want to follow the rule.
I'm just upset that he couldn't make this sacrifice for a few days. I'm afraid if I let him do it then I'd have to do the same for other two and I don't like that idea at all and my husband sure isn't going to either.
Well, you don't have to do it for the other two because they are kids. You can tell them "when you're in a mature, committed relationship, as an independent adult, we can talk about it; but we aren't going to let you have your 16 yo girlfriend over for a sleepover." There are shades of gray, you know, and the independence of your kids has a lot to do with it. The kid you support at 19 in college plays by different rules than the 26 year old.
Pomm, look at the issue from a different perspective; by acquiescing to the separate beds rule, it neuters him in front of his GF. While its one thing to look at it and say "its not a big sacrifice," It could take on a much bigger meaning to one of them; namely, that he isn't his own man.
Finally, you're kids are old enough to grasp whats going on. Seriously, they aren't at all naive. They know they live together and sleep together.
If the son eats bacon at his place, and goes to his mothers to eat and makes bacon, as long as mom does not eat it, whats the problem? Mom knows son eats bacon, why does it matter where they eat it at?
Again, many/some people are offended by certain things happening in their home. I am guessing that many/some Muslins would be offended and upset if a guest brought pork into their home and ate it, many/some Jehovah's Witnesses would be offended and upset if a guest brought alcohol into their home and drank it, many/some non-drug users would be offended and upset if a guest brought drugs into their home and used drugs.
Even if the hosts didn't eat the pork, drink the alcohol or use the drugs themselves. It was something that they were religiously or morally opposed to and did not want it happening in their home. The OP & her husband did not want unmarried people sleeping together in their home. They were not going to participate in the sex but did not want it happening in their home.
Heck, I have several friends that absolutely forbid cigarette smoking in their home. One friend doesn't even allow it on her property (as too many people just left cigarette butts right outside her front door). My husband has smoked cigarettes off and on for almost a half century would that make it right for him to insist that since he was an adult he should be allowed to smoke where ever he wanted to smoke? Of course not.
Me007gold, perhaps you are significantly younger than me and have not owned a home of your own for very long, or are used to having many room mates with different values and expectations, or something else and that is why we are having trouble communicating.
Not everyone is offended by those things happened in their home but the OP and her husband are offended. And, I believe that it is their right to be offended and make the rules, just like it is their son's right to sleep somewhere else if he doesn't want to follow their rules.
Op is also forgetting that once a guy hooks up, the chick's family will likely take precedence.
In this country, anyway, a son is a son till he takes a wife.
Op, no mom can compete with the hooha.
Yes, this is part of the saying..." a daughter is your daughter for the rest of her life, a son is your son until he takes a wife."
Quote:
Originally Posted by nikitakolata
Well, here's my two cents as someone relatively recently married (5 years ago).
I'm just not that comfortable around my in-laws. Period. If they had asked us to sleep in separate rooms before we were married, we probably would have done it on some occasions and decided to leave early and go home on others just because we'd rather be together and in our own house. If my parents lived close to my in-laws I would rather stay there becauses I'm more comfortable there and we're just closer with my family in general.
If my experience is any indication of what's typical, the OP's son may just not be that concerned with seeing his family. My husband's parents live 2 hours away. Aside from my MIL living with us for her job for those 2 years, we see them about 4 times a year. Some years less. On the flip side, we see my parents pretty much every week; they live about an hour away. My husband never makes plans for us to see his family. He doesn't make plans for them to visit us. So, it just doesn't happen. It could be that they only see his parents at all because his gf suggests it (I'm usually the one to suggest visits to my husband).
Again, many/some people are offended by certain things happening in their home......
I am sure you are older then me, and I am sure you have owned a home alot longer then me as well. The point I am trying to make(and do my best to live by is) If what I do does not effect you directly, you should not have an opinion on it. Just because you do not approve does not give you the right to say no
Mom asked son to stay(not the other way around) If mom wants son to stay, she needs to accept his choices. It would be a completely different story if son asked mom if he could say, and mom said yes, but you have to sleep in different beds. If mom wants son to stay, she needs to compromise.
Two years ago, when my son wants to bring his girlfriend over for Christmas, I made it clear before my son come with his girlfriend that they would be sleeping in separate room. So they end up staying at his girlfriend's parents house where they can share the room.
This would be fine, but they live about a hour and half away. So that Christmas, my son and his girlfriend came only twice in the whole week they were here. Once to visit us for a few hours then again for Christmas dinner when there were numerous people here. That's it.
Last Christmas he was able to get only four days off. So we only saw him for a few hours at Christmas dinner.
I was a bit disappointed by this.
Now I found out that they would be here for July 4th weekend. I asked if they can come over, he said they can come over for a bit at some point.
I was rather discouraged as I heard this since I can pretty much tell that it will end up being only a few hours visit.
So I let him know I'd like him to spend the Christmas this year here. His reply was "And I would like to share bed with my girlfriend" which I quickly told him no! He then said that's the answer I'd get from him!
I'm so upset by this. I feel like he's being downright disrespectful! I don't know what to do! I really want to see him, but I really don't like the idea of him and his girlfriend sharing the bedroom and my husband certainly would never allows it!
How can I get him to understand that this isn't fair?
I have slightly different take on this. Perhaps the issue is not them sleeping together for a couple of days - I don't think it's terribly unreasonable to ask them not to share a bed if it makes you uncomfortable - but I'm going to assume that if your morals don't allow them to sleep together under your roof and that you don't really approve of them living together before marriage either. You can clarify if that's not the case.
Perhaps one or both of them are uncomfortable at your house because there's an unconscious (or downright purposeful, I don't know) air of disapproval of their choices while they're hanging out there. Maybe that's why they don't stay, and why they only come over for brief visits.
Well, this thread got long, even though the OP only posted three times...
Anyway, I agree with the majority that the OP has the right to make rules in her home and that the son has a right not to stay there if he doesn't want to. He is an adult and doesn't have an obligation to visit his mother more than he wants to. Should he be willing get past it and visit her more is a different story, but the fact remains that he shouldn't be forced to. If he insisted on staying there and staying with his girlfriend then that would be wrong but he isn't. Personally, I probably would have just stayed in a separate room, but I don't find it as big of a deal as the son clearly does.
On a side note, the idea of sharing a bed definitely leads people to think about sex, but I would never have sex with my boyfriend in my parents' home, knowing they are not that far away in their own bed. It's just weird to me. I once shared a bed with an ex-boyfriend in my grandma's house and the idea of having sex there with her in the same building seemed unfathomable.
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