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I can't BELIEVE how some of you jumped on the OP for asking advice about this problem. She came here, not knowing that there were so many people who would criticize her mothering instead of HELPING her with the problem.
We ALL have made mistakes in being a parent, and NO ONE can tell me any differently. NO ONE is a perfect parent.
-In case you missed it, the child's grandparents gave her son the Ipad. Get used to the computer age. It's here to stay and even two year olds know how to fire one up.
-She has learned from this to put it on parental supervision.
-The OP had just moved from the country where there weren't ANY kids, and wasn't familiar with having a bunch of kids in her house. She was probably just happy that her son had a group of friends to play with.
-IMO, 4 year olds can play unsupervised for short periods of time and they were only upstairs for a few minutes when this happened. There were older kids upstairs too (at least the one who came downstairs with the Ipad)
-She has learned that the 9 year old neighbor isn't to be trusted and she is not allowing him to play with her son. IF the younger child screws up, then she'll learn that he won't be allowed to play with her son either. To judge him because of his brother is just unfair, and plain wrong. He might be a good kid, a great friend and might never become anything like his older brother. She knows enough now to keep her eyes open for any funny business with the younger brother.
I hope those neighbor kids aren't being abused or neglected by someone in their neighborhood, or worse, by their father. That might explain the 9 year old's behaviour. It's just unfortunate that he was able to access the photos in the OP's house and show them to the younger kids.
Really, it's what he did (asking for kisses while he looked at the photos), and beating on his brother that alarms me.
As for looking at nudies, don't ya know that it is totally normal for 9 year old boys to start wanting to see photos of naked women? For all you parents who are now opening your mouths in awe and denial about that comment, I suggest you hide any girlie magazines that might be hidden between yours or your older son's mattresses. Also, lock up your porn videos and any sex toys you might have tucked in your bedside table. Kids are curious. Your child will find them if they are there!!
Heck, there are eve 9 year old girls now who are already having sex. :O I am in my mid 50's and way back when I was young, there were 11 year old girls in my class having sex. They've started even younger now, so don't kid yourself.
I appreciate your words. I'm still here, I'm just not willing to participate in the drama anymore : ).
Just chiming in with my opinion. I see nothing wrong with a five year old having an iPad. The internet is not going to jump out of there and damage the child for life. Give me a break!
Now to the original issue. I would say adios to the entire family, along with the nine year old. Those parents are not living in a vacuum. They know damned well what their kid is up to--no way is this the first inappropriate behavior they've seen with that kid. (In the unlikely event it is, their reaction itself merits an immediate " unfriend"). Too bad about the younger child, but you have to take care of your family's well being first & foremost.
Something isn't making sense here. If there were a group of kids in the basement that means the other parents were OK with their kids being with the 9-year old.
9-year old's don't just suddenly decide to act out because they're gotten hold of an iPad. By nine they're acting out in school. And if there's a problem 9-year old in the neighborhood parents usually tell one another. They don't send their daughters into the basement to play with the kid.
All that aside:
OP: You are the parent. If this 9-year old is acting out you tell his parents, "After the incident in the basement I will no longer be allowing contact between my son and your older boy. Your younger son is welcome as long as he behaves." You tell them the rules. There's nothing to be discussed with the parents. They either know he's a problem, things got exaggerated by the other kids (happens all the time) or they're the most clueless people on the planet.
While you are certainly not responsible for parenting this child and not allowing him in your home was also the right thing to do, I have to say I feel sorry for this kid. It is not "normal" for a nine year old to google naked pics and then want the little girls to kiss him while he looks at them. This behavior could very likely mean that this kid is, at best, being exposed to things he shouldn't be at his age, and, at worst, someone may be sexually abusing him.
A Psychologist once told me that when she meets a young child and doesn't like the kid - that is a sign of a kid who needs help. This little boy is crying out for attention and it sounds like the father doesn't care. You only mentioned texting his father - does the mother live with them? If so, have you tried to reach out to her?
One thing that is disturbing is if this kid doesn't get help, he may very well end up sexually abusing other kids. If he is this bad now, just imagine what will happen when he hits puberty.
I can't BELIEVE how some of you jumped on the OP for asking advice about this problem. She came here, not knowing that there were so many people who would criticize her mothering instead of HELPING her with the problem.
Really? Because the entire OP seems like a set up to get reactions from "my 5 year old has an ipad" to me.
Anyway, you don't need to be friends with the neighbor kids. Find some other kids for your guy to play with and make them PLAY, not stare at a screen. Judgment/advice/whatever.
As much as I don't wan to ban the four year old from coming over, I do think you're right about the 9 yr old sabotaging it. I wonder, too, if the kid has already been banned from other people's houses. The dad made a comment to me about a month ago that his son doesn't like physical confrontation, and I thought to myself, really?? Because he sure likes to beat the snot out of his little brother every time he's over here. I'm not sure if the dad is in denial or just has no clue.
I also agree with avoidance. I really think your entire comment is spot-on. Thank you!
I hope it helps during your process of figuring this out!
My kids are grown -- so I have the perspective of many years of dealing with strange situations. I advised you based on what happened in our neighborhood . . . no use to get into that specifically, but . . . some things are rather predictable (sadly).
I also want to state that I don't think it is odd at all for your child to have an iPad (after all, it was a gift, right?) and since he doesn't know how to "google" things yet -- I am assuming he basically plays with Apps -- I don't think it would have occurred to me to put some sort of parental controls on the device.
Hang in there. You are in a new neighborhood. Things can be confusing to sort out at first!
That nine year old is gonna be one hell of a problem teen neighbor in a few years.
I was thinking about what the nine year old did, and if he really asked two of the girls to kiss while he was viewing porn on the Internet, that is hypersexual behavior. A nine year old wouldn't suggest a scenario like that, without experiencing some type of sexual exposure/abuse. If I were the OP, as a safety precaution I'd keep both of the neighbor's children away from my child.
I was thinking about what the nine year old did, and if he really asked two of the girls to kiss while he was viewing porn on the Internet, that is hypersexual behavior. A nine year old wouldn't suggest a scenario like that, without experiencing some type of sexual exposure/abuse. If I were the OP, as a safety precaution I'd keep both of the neighbor's children away from my child.
Most Likely scenario is that he was exposed to porn early on by someone else (cousin, friends older brother, mistake during an internet search) etc etc.
It sounds like some of you guys need to actually spend time around kids of 2014. The average age of first time exposure to porn is going down year after year this article is from 2005 and it claims 11 is the new norm? I wouldn't be surprised if it's more like 7 or 8 now. http://www.safefamilies.org/sfStats.php It doesn't even have to be flat out porn. Watch what's on tv, check out how half naked women walk around in commercials, parents let the kids on social media sights without even checking to see what's on them, etc..
He probably is hyper sexual and has seen a TON of porn and is now acting out. Mom and dad have no clue how to deal with it (does anyone?) and this is just what happens when society as a whole doesn't control this stuff.
I would be more concerned about the parents of the girls being angry and for sure would keep my kid away from the fam.
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