Mom doesn't want playdates anymore but my kid is heartbroken (husband, learning)
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Maybe she doesn't want her son playing with your son. Maybe your son's personality or his behavior goes against what she's teaching her son and is thus shielding him from your son.
We had the same issue when our son was 5-6 years old... ...the other kid was insanely competitive and we just hated that. We kept our distance from that family even though we were great friends with the parents... ...of course, we never told them outright why we did not want playdates with their son. But fast forward two years and now, both the boys are friends. Their son is still competitive, but my son knows how to handle him. We just gave our son some more room to grow and develop on his own... ...
This woman and I have been getting together about once a week for playdates since our kids were tiny (they are 5 now). Her son was my son's first real friend, and really his only close friend. My son just absolutely adores this kid, and her son seems to feel the same way. The two boys would have played together all day every day if we'd let them. Suddenly, about two months ago, she stopped asking for playdates. She canceled three in a row at the very last minute, and then turned down another three or four invites from me. I tried waiting and not inviting, since I didn't want to be a pest, but my son asks every single day if he can see his friend and then cries when I tell him no. He has actually woken up in the middle of the night, sobbing because he misses his friend. I have tried playdates with other kids, but it doesn't help. He just doesn't have another friend that he loves like this boy. I have no idea why mom suddenly doesn't want to get together and have not confronted her about it, but I feel I might have to. I cannot bear to ask again for a playdate when she has said no so many times. She has never offered any excuse or apology. If she were just my friend I'd forget her and move on (I am actually kind of hurt myself by this), but my son is so heartbroken over this that I can't do that. I'm not sure what to do. Should I ask one more time for a playdate or ask her what is going on and if there is some reason she doesn't want them to play together? I don't want to be confrontational, since she obviously would have told me what's wrong if she wanted to. I also don't want to seem paranoid or desperate (although I am desperate, on behalf of my child). And I hate to be the parent who can't take a hint, but after all this time shouldn't she give more than a hint if she is trying to end this relationship? I am really torn up over this. Advice?
I would just ask her if something you or your son did caused her to stop the play dates. I'm not saying that is the case, but it shows that you are open to discussing your/your son's role, if any. Some people are worried about offending since a lot of folks don't handle criticism well, especially when it comes to their kids. Or maybe she just doesn't want to anymore, no particular reason, and doesn't know how to convey that without it seeming offensive.
The mom doesn't want to do playdates anymore, but no one here including the OP knows why. It's not being a jerk to say no to playdates you don't want to do and it's no one's business if she doesn't want to say why she no longer wants them.
For the child, he may or may not be able to rekindle the friendship at camp or school. If so, great. If not, then he needs to make new friends and move on.
If his mom is really good friends with the other mom, she can ask about it at some point, but the mom does not have to answer even if asked.
OF COURSE the mom has to give a reason!
Otherwise, the children will grow up thinking they need to blindly follow someone's orders just because they are higher ranked than them.
They will be so vulnerable to peer pressure if they grow up thinking this way.
Maybe she doesn't want her son playing with your son. Maybe your son's personality or his behavior goes against what she's teaching her son and is thus shielding him from your son.
We had the same issue when our son was 5-6 years old... ...the other kid was insanely competitive and we just hated that. We kept our distance from that family even though we were great friends with the parents... ...of course, we never told them outright why we did not want playdates with their son. But fast forward two years and now, both the boys are friends. Their son is still competitive, but my son knows how to handle him. We just gave our son some more room to grow and develop on his own... ...
So what was wrong with saying "We don't want the boys to hang out right now because our son is not ready for that level of competition."?
I would just ask her if something you or your son did caused her to stop the play dates. I'm not saying that is the case, but it shows that you are open to discussing your/your son's role, if any. Some people are worried about offending since a lot of folks don't handle criticism well, especially when it comes to their kids. Or maybe she just doesn't want to anymore, no particular reason, and doesn't know how to convey that without it seeming offensive.
The very fact of stopping something without saying why is offensive.
I have no idea why people think that's not the case.
It's like making plans to hang out, then calling and cancelling 2 hours before and not saying why.
Sure, maybe you don't legally have to give a reason, but it's still incredibly insulting.
The very fact of stopping something without saying why is offensive.
I have no idea why people think that's not the case.
It's like making plans to hang out, then calling and cancelling 2 hours before and not saying why.
Sure, maybe you don't legally have to give a reason, but it's still incredibly insulting.
You are awfully thin-skinned if you think it is insulting, imo. Turning down play dates is not the same as making plans and then cancelling. I don't want to do a play date can mean I'm busy or I don't want to arrange these things as my kid is now old enough to arrange his own play dates.
I think she has been clear that she doesn't want any more playdates. If I were you I would ask why.
I agree. This has been a 4-5 year friendship, not some passing thing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYC2RDU
Something very similar happened with my oldest son, many a moon ago.
The parents of his best friend from preschool decided that my son was the reason behind their son having some behavioral issues. So they decided to limit the friendship to school time only and avoid anything else (after nearly two years of almost daily play dates). To their credit they did come by and talk to us about it. Although we appreciated their candor on one level, we nonetheless felt horribly betrayed by people we'd come to think of as friends. My son harassed us the entire Summer that followed demanding (yes, demanding) to see his best friend. It was unbearable and still hurts to think about it to this day.
But the good news is that the two boys wound up going to school together a few years afterwards and reconnected all over again. The parents came around to apologizing for a bad decision made with the best of intentions and the two (now college freshman) have remained good friends in the decade since.
Stay strong for your son and don't compromise yourself trying to engage the other mother. If they're destined to remain friends it will happen despite the best efforts of the parents to screw it up.
I was just going to say that some parents tend to blame "the other child" and then I saw this post, below, saying basically the same thing. Yes, if the kids did something naughty at the friend's house, it's likely the other parent blames the OP's son. By age 5, kids have learned to fib to their parents to get/stay out of trouble, so it's likely the other child blamed the OP's kid too (if that's what happened). It happened with one of my daughter's playmates. I even remember "the other child is always in the wrong" being discussed at a MOPS meeting I went to about 25 years ago.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes
This is exactly what happened to us except it was after being friends for 10 years, and they didn't go to school together again to have the opportunity to rekindle the friendship. Theirs was an almost daily play date situation too. There were times their son was at my house for 4 day sleepovers. This kid was more of a brother than a friend.
It's amazing how many parents blame their children's behavior on their friends. This family had been doing that for 10 years by cutting other kids out of their son's life, but they hadn't done it to my son---until they did. The reality is he was acting up at home because they became foster parents and adopted two foster daughters. He was the baby of the family and overnight he became a middle child. I felt as badly for their son as I did my own.
On one hand, we can say it's not healthy for children to be so invested in one friendship over others in their lives, but my dearest friend became my best friend in 1st grade. We have been friends for almost 5 decades. I still have quite a few other close friendships from my childhood neighborhood and elementary school years. My husband does too! With the exception of this one sad loss, my children are still close friends with many of their childhood friends. As a result, I don't think parents should discourage close friendships with one person, but it's important to make sure there are other friendships too just in case an irrational parent does something like this or the relationship ends for valid reasons.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kutra11
OP:
Maybe she doesn't want her son playing with your son. Maybe your son's personality or his behavior goes against what she's teaching her son and is thus shielding him from your son.
We had the same issue when our son was 5-6 years old... ...the other kid was insanely competitive and we just hated that. We kept our distance from that family even though we were great friends with the parents... ...of course, we never told them outright why we did not want playdates with their son. But fast forward two years and now, both the boys are friends. Their son is still competitive, but my son knows how to handle him. We just gave our son some more room to grow and develop on his own... ...
Good grief! See my response above, also the other posts I quoted.
Last edited by Katarina Witt; 07-19-2014 at 01:43 PM..
You are awfully thin-skinned if you think it is insulting, imo. Turning down play dates is not the same as making plans and then cancelling. I don't want to do a play date can mean I'm busy or I don't want to arrange these things as my kid is now old enough to arrange his own play dates.
I like to know the reason for everything I am connected to.
You don't just flip a coin and decide what to do next. There is ALWAYS a reason.
KinderG will be an influx of new faces and opportunities for new friends and new attachments.
In my opinion you're doing your kid a disservice if you do not teach them that there are *changes* and disappointments along life's road. Whatcha gonna do when the hamster or goldfish dies?
Maybe you're better off focusing on group playdates/activities, like a park soccer class, birthday parties and pool parties. Too much 1-on-1 grows your child in some ways but not others. Branch out.
You could use the gossip network, and ask other kids' families if they've been banished, too? It may be everyone and not just you.
Ehhh, you never know the details of other people's situations unless they want to tell you.
The other family could be having marital problems, financial problems, health problems so you don't know why the playdates came to a screeching halt and no contact policy unless you reach out and ask what's up. I am inclined to ask the other mom if anything's wrong, rather than agree to a conspiracy of silence.
And maybe they just got sick of you - imagine that! your kid makes a mess, teases the other kid, you never bring over any good snacks (you just eat theirs) but you never saw it. You know I'm half kidding, but you get the idea.
Perhaps I'm just calloused (or just really socially inept), but isn't it a normal part of life for some friendships to just run their course? Sometimes a friendship isn't as deep as we thought it was, and we don't realize it until after we drift apart (or when one party drops that other without any explanation...) It's okay to mourn the end of a friendship, but it's also important to recognize when an attachment is borderline unhealthy, which is what I'd be concerned about if at 5 he isn't willing to forge some new friendships.
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