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Old 07-20-2014, 09:55 AM
 
Location: City Data Land
17,156 posts, read 12,915,217 times
Reputation: 33164

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Quote:
Originally Posted by BOS2IAD View Post
I find it very worrisome that your wife hasn't learned from her mistakes.

The following questions came to mind when I read your posts:

1) Does your wife have a learning disability such as ADD? Have you noticed that she isn't always attentive in general and kind of scattered?

2) Or could it be possible that there is another mental health issue?

3) Has she had a full physical exam lately?

Something to think about---your wife's inattention could one day lead to one of your kids getting seriously hurt and thus, bring your family to the attention of Child Protective Services.

Perhaps, you can get your wife to go for a physical exam? If she is willing, let the doctor know ahead of time about your concerns. It would give the doctor a place to start when running tests.

Please don't take offense with what I'm about to say --- Do you think your wife resents the kids? If so, she may be subconsciously letting that come out by not being very attentive.

How does she react when one of the kids gets injured due to her neglectfulness? Is she genuinely distraught and remorseful?

There is so much that could be going on here. I wish you the best when it comes to getting to the bottom of this.
+1. This sounds like a possible medical issue to me, possibly a memory/attention problem. A full medical exam might be very helpful.
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Old 07-20-2014, 10:06 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 25,060,649 times
Reputation: 51113
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bakeneko View Post
ADD came to my mind as well - my MIL has it. When my daughter was born she came out to "help". She came in from Walmart, unloaded her stuff on the kitchen island and threw her plastic Walmart bags into the crib we had in the living room, planning to take them to the recyling bin later. But got distracted by all her new stuff from Walmart..... Later that day, she asked to watch the baby - I hadn't let her have much on hands time. So I agreed, I had to go out and do some stuff in the garage. Well , she watched the baby while she watched a tv show or two, then got bored/distracted so she just put the baby down in the crib.. I came in the house - and found my newborn sleeping in a nest of plastic bags! My mil was now upstairs taking a nap!

I also wondered about the resentment - I'm also a SAHM , my husband travels alot for work , and works long hours when he is here.

I've found that I really need for my own mental health - I need to find ways/places where I can "check out" from time to time.

I joined some mom groups where I can be less vigilant since there are many eyes watching the kids. We'd take them to the splash pad (fountains) or the community wading pool (only a foot deep)

I did things that aren't "drop-off" but aren't as involved as "mommy and me" classes.

I took her to our YMCA where they had a "toddler time" . For $5 they got two hours of jumping and playig on the gymnastics equipment. All set to toddler level, with lots off padding.

I enrolled her in swim lessons where she worked one on one with an instructor.

Heck, I belonged to a chain fitness club and there were times where I didn't even "work out" . I dropped her off in the kids club and sat in the sauna, took a shower by myself, and read a book in the lounge area of the ladies locker room.
OMG! If I did that as MIL, I think that I would have been banned for life from ever caring for my grandchild again. (No joke, I seriously think that my son & his wife would have forbidden me from ever being alone with my grandchild again. And they may have been right to do that.)
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Old 07-20-2014, 10:11 AM
 
Location: Texas
44,256 posts, read 64,223,092 times
Reputation: 73924
One reason I dumped my otherwise wonderful ex.

No concept of thinking through consequences of actions.

Did not trust her to raise a kid safely if she could not even keep from putting the dog in jeopardy.
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Old 07-20-2014, 12:19 PM
 
Location: NYC
16,061 posts, read 26,694,582 times
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My biggest concern is the OP is typing on the computer blaming his wife for an accident one child had. Perhaps she is overwhelmed and needs a bit of a break and needs hubby to step in?
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Old 07-20-2014, 01:28 PM
 
Location: Caribou, Me.
6,928 posts, read 5,882,518 times
Reputation: 5251
Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl View Post
My biggest concern is the OP is typing on the computer blaming his wife for an accident one child had. Perhaps she is overwhelmed and needs a bit of a break and needs hubby to step in?
I really do help a lot. I am not perfect, and it's actually quite difficult for me to bring this up with her because a) who wants to hurt their spouse's feelings? and b) I have dropped the ball once or twice with child safety, too. So there's that.
But she has always been open about this being a weak area for her. Specifically, it is safety awareness. She is a great Mom and strong in so many areas. Just not in safety awareness.
Thanks for all the tips.
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Old 07-20-2014, 03:39 PM
 
Location: USA
7,776 posts, read 12,411,458 times
Reputation: 11812
I have a friend who's children were regularly rushed to the ER due to an injury of some sort. My children never were. I watched over them and made sure anything dangerous was not available to their inquiring selves. Yet I didn't hover over them. If she can't see a situation that could easily be dangerous, I'm not sure there is a way to teach her. Maybe it's common sense. I don't know. I've been told I lack common sense, but it surely doesn't apply to when they were growing up. My main lack is in choosing husbands. I gave up after two.

From the examples you gave I think your children are going to be injured. How much and how serious those injuries will be is beyond my ken. I have no idea how to teach someone how to be more aware of possible danger.

Until my daughter was about six, she seemed to always have a large bump on her forehead from a fall of some sort. It was so great when it stopped being that way.
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Old 07-20-2014, 03:50 PM
 
Location: NYC
16,061 posts, read 26,694,582 times
Reputation: 24848
Quote:
Originally Posted by maineguy8888 View Post
I really do help a lot. I am not perfect, and it's actually quite difficult for me to bring this up with her because a) who wants to hurt their spouse's feelings? and b) I have dropped the ball once or twice with child safety, too. So there's that.
But she has always been open about this being a weak area for her. Specifically, it is safety awareness. She is a great Mom and strong in so many areas. Just not in safety awareness.
Thanks for all the tips.
Thank you for the answer. You may have made a few errors, however every parent does. Your children's safety is more important than your spous's feelings. It's a hard converstion, but a necessary one.

I appreciate your answer because I have a girlfriend similar to your wife with safety. Her husband does not help out, at all. He doesn't work and if heis home, won't help with the children. She is in over her head.

I wish you the best.
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Old 07-20-2014, 05:55 PM
 
1,971 posts, read 3,036,835 times
Reputation: 2209
Working in day care probably is what caused this. Since she did that at work, she doesn't want to bother with it at home. My dad was a doctor, so any possible medical issue my sisters and I had was usually ignored.

As the old saying goes, "The cobbler's child has no shoes"
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Old 07-20-2014, 09:05 PM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
90,316 posts, read 120,488,465 times
Reputation: 35920
OP, as you can see, there are differing opinions on this subject. Some people on here have a very laid back attitude towards safety;others are more careful.

My own opinion is your wife is awfully lax in the safety department. Is she concerned about these accidents? Is she lackadaisical about her own safety, about her car keys, things like that?
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Old 07-21-2014, 12:02 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,495 posts, read 26,804,382 times
Reputation: 28031
My husband didn't help with the kids at all when they were little. Once they were out of the messy years, he was less intimidated by the idea of doing anything with them. But there were years when I felt like I had no break the entire time, not even to take a shower or go to the bathroom by myself. My husband thought since I was a SAHM, every day was my day off. In reality, no day was ever my day off.

Since you're willing to help with your kids, intervene when you see unwise behavior. You don't have to tell your wife something directly. If you see your older child pushing the stroller in a dangerous way, tell him to slow down. If the baby is on the bed and you think he'll fall, take him off the bed. You shouldn't be witnessing all these little accidents and not saying anything or doing anything. You're the parent also, and you're right there while it's happening. It's just as much your job to intervene as it is hers. If your wife is really aware that she's lacking in this area, then seeing the times you choose to intervene will help her learn which situations need her attention.

Also, offer to watch the kids while your wife has a little time to herself now and then. We all need some downtime.
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