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Old 07-30-2014, 01:18 PM
 
12,941 posts, read 19,873,870 times
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Start with #2, then #3. If you and you wife don't get on the same page, the rest won't work. The issues in #1 can be discussed in family counseling.

 
Old 07-30-2014, 02:11 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles
58 posts, read 47,792 times
Reputation: 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Start with #2, then #3. If you and you wife don't get on the same page, the rest won't work. The issues in #1 can be discussed in family counseling.
good point
 
Old 07-30-2014, 02:43 PM
 
Location: Columbus, OH
575 posts, read 943,351 times
Reputation: 674
I am not the mother of a teenage daughter. However, I'm in my mid-20s and vividly remember my teenage years. I know you've already gotten tons of advice and opinions but I figured I'd throw my 2 cents in anyway.

At 17, I was allowed to do pretty much whatever I wanted on the conditions that I always let my parents know where I was, where I was going, and when I'd be home. I didn't have a curfew (as long as my grades never dropped below a C, although A's and B's were preferable and C's got me a talkin' to). I did go to parties but I never drank and I never did any kind of drugs. I also didn't wear skimpy clothing because my mother wouldn't have allowed it. Yes, if something was too revealing, my parents would trash it. But because I knew they would throw it away, I never bought anything like that plus I thought girls who dressed like that were trashy.

When I did break the rules (which wasn't often), my parents would take things from me that really mattered. Once, my mom took my car and told me if I tried to take it, she would call the police (and she would have too). They would lock me out of the internet too so I had no access to any kind of social site or messenger. At one point, my Dad went into the options for our cell phones and turned off all features except incoming phone calls from him or my mom. Another thing they did was tell me no friends. I wasn't allowed to go out with my friends and they weren't allowed to come over.

We also had chore lists. If you didn't do your chores for the day, you got stuck doing that chore (plus your normal daily chore) for a week straight. None of the chores were hard either. Basic stuff like dusting, vacuuming, mopping, cleaning dishes, it never took more than 30 mins to do. On top of that, we ALWAYS ate as a family. There were no TVs, no cell phones, nothing. We sat at the dinner table as a family and talked.

You need to make the punishments more severe too. If you just sit there and say "Don't do it again!" with no real consequences, they're going to do it again. I knew better than to mouth off to my parents. Mouthing off was as bad as not following the rules in our house and would result in punishment of some kind and the more you mouthed off and complained, the longer your punishment was.

I'm one of 7 kids and none of us ever got into any real trouble. My brother did get caught with alcohol once and my parents took EVERYTHING out of his room except his bed and his clothes. I'd say my parents must have been doing something right.
 
Old 07-30-2014, 04:28 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles
58 posts, read 47,792 times
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I think what my wife is doing is trying to recreate her teenage years for our daughters. Our upbringings couldn't be more different. As you may have picked up, my dad was strict. If he said " get rid of those jeans", they were gone in 5 minutes. " go get a haircut" within 5 minutes I was leaving for the barbershop. Neither he nor my mom, had any problem laying the hammer down. But at the same time, my dad was there for us when my sister or I really needed to talk. We'd have these long talks about what we want in life, etc, etc. Her upbringing was her running all over LA, partying, unsupervised and ruleless. There'd be times where she'd say bye to her parents on Thursday, and come home Tuesday, no big deal in her mind. She's an only child.
 
Old 07-30-2014, 04:34 PM
 
12,941 posts, read 19,873,870 times
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Your wife's past isn't your problem, your daughters' futures are.
 
Old 07-30-2014, 05:31 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles
58 posts, read 47,792 times
Reputation: 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Your wife's past isn't your problem, your daughters' futures are.
my wife is trying to make HER past, their FUTURE.
 
Old 07-30-2014, 05:35 PM
 
9,057 posts, read 6,747,032 times
Reputation: 11013
I don't get this thread. It's like the OP just met his wife. Did you not see any of these problems during the 17 years you've been raising your children? How are you so blindsided by all this? Were you just not paying attention until someone started messing with your beer?
 
Old 07-30-2014, 06:18 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles
58 posts, read 47,792 times
Reputation: 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus View Post
I don't get this thread. It's like the OP just met his wife. Did you not see any of these problems during the 17 years you've been raising your children? How are you so blindsided by all this? Were you just not paying attention until someone started messing with your beer?
I always assumed her style would change from being lenient when they were to little to being a bit tougher when they were older, never assume anything I guess.
 
Old 07-30-2014, 07:37 PM
 
11,617 posts, read 19,773,327 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus View Post
I'm a bit concerned about this. A 17 year old taking booze while just hanging out at home is a bit of a red flag to me. It's not the behavior of a person that just has a beer or two out with friends and thinks nothing of it otherwise. Do you know how long she's been drinking? If she's been at it from a young age and has just hidden it from you her taking drinks could be indicative of a problem. Especially as it's causing her issues with you and she still continues to do it. Continuing to drink when it's causing problems is one of the indicators of alcoholism. For those of you who think I'm being overly dramatic, it's pretty common for young people's parents to be completely blindsided by problem drinking. There's often a component of "we had no clue, we don't know how this happened". It's worth keeping an eye on, hopefully it's nothing. I would also make sure there's no narcotic medication lying around.

And btw, she's not "sneaking" a beer. She's stealing.
I agree 100%. While it is perfectly normal (even if unaccaptable) for a 17 year old to try to drinking when she is with her friends most 17 year olds do not try to steal their parents liquor when they are just hanging out at home. It screams "problem drinker" to me.
 
Old 07-30-2014, 09:43 PM
 
5,413 posts, read 4,843,182 times
Reputation: 9351
Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus View Post
I don't get this thread. It's like the OP just met his wife. Did you not see any of these problems during the 17 years you've been raising your children? How are you so blindsided by all this? Were you just not paying attention until someone started messing with your beer?
The OP has not been paying attention as long as things were ok.....and he doesn't get that he has any responsibility in all this.
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