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Old 07-25-2014, 11:11 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles
58 posts, read 47,728 times
Reputation: 30

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it's just irritating that I can't ground someone or take her phone away without my wife stepping in and inadvertently making me the villain. Even on like big things. Couple months ago, wife and I were going out for dinner + a movie. I got done with work, ran to a gas station, bought a 12 pack of beer, went home, and put it in the fridge. When she and I left, there were 12 beers, 3 were gone when we got back 3 were gone. Well, I found the 3 in the garbage can in the kitchen hidden under some paper towels. Now I'm not one of those " no drinking until you're 21" type parents, but they took without asking and lied. I asked them both what happened. At first they " had no idea", then they confessed. I grounded them for 2 weeks, wife's idea of handling the situation was telling them " You're teenagers, everyone does this."

 
Old 07-25-2014, 11:14 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles
58 posts, read 47,728 times
Reputation: 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG View Post
What exactly is your question? It sounds pretty typical....you need watch that the sneaking behavior doesn't escalate...but most kids are going to try that at least once.

It sounds like you see yourself as the bad guy...so no wonder they treat you like that. Do ever have fun or talk to your daughters?

I just need tips. What am I doing wrong, and how do I fix it. Yeah, we have fun, we talk, but the " fun moments" are hard to come by. Most of our " moments" are either small talk, or arguing.
 
Old 07-25-2014, 11:15 AM
 
Location: california
5,489 posts, read 4,560,554 times
Reputation: 6418
If your wife is not on board with discipline your out voted.
Stop being the ATM machine , your teaching them their relationship with men/husbands .
 
Old 07-25-2014, 11:16 AM
 
9,707 posts, read 7,654,638 times
Reputation: 17564
This all sounds very normal, if not very pleasant. So - how about working on improving communication and building trust?

Take your girls out to dinner or lunch or just for a soda or ice cream, one at a time. Pick a place that requires a bit of a car ride - and leave the earbuds at home and the radio off. Talk about general topics, as you would with another adult. Listen to their responses. Repeat as needed, at least once a month.

Or go for a walk with your girls, again, one at a time. Walk around the block, or go somewhere interesting (not the mall). Visit local attractions. Make sure you give each daughter the same amount of attention. Get to know the young women your daughters are becoming (hint: the little girls they were are still going to be there as well). Ask them about whatever interests them, but avoid prying (this can be a narrow line to walk). Pay genuine compliments when you can - not just about their appearance, but about their talents and good qualities (indications of good character are great things to compliment).

Even if you hear something you don't like, keep your cool - it's okay to express concern or ask for more information, but don't turn into the disciplinarian dad immediately. Your goal is to understand your daughters better and to improve communication and build mutual respect, so they'll listen to you when you do have to be the heavy, will come to you with their problems and questions, and will understand that you're not just trying to be mean and ruin their fun, but that you have genuine love-based concern for their welfare.

Good luck!
 
Old 07-25-2014, 11:35 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,092 posts, read 37,733,259 times
Reputation: 73770
Quote:
Originally Posted by DocTrojan View Post
it's just irritating that I can't ground someone or take her phone away without my wife stepping in and inadvertently making me the villain. Even on like big things. Couple months ago, wife and I were going out for dinner + a movie. I got done with work, ran to a gas station, bought a 12 pack of beer, went home, and put it in the fridge. When she and I left, there were 12 beers, 3 were gone when we got back 3 were gone. Well, I found the 3 in the garbage can in the kitchen hidden under some paper towels. Now I'm not one of those " no drinking until you're 21" type parents, but they took without asking and lied. I asked them both what happened. At first they " had no idea", then they confessed. I grounded them for 2 weeks, wife's idea of handling the situation was telling them " You're teenagers, everyone does this."
NOT everyone does this.

Your wife is undermining what few rules you apparently have. WHAT are you going to do about it?

You need to decide what kind of parent you are. If you're not a "no drinking till you're 21" kind of parent, what do you EXPECT your kids to do???
 
Old 07-25-2014, 11:41 AM
 
Location: The analog world
15,649 posts, read 8,764,064 times
Reputation: 20969
If underage drinking is a problem, I'd seriously consider not keeping alcohol in the house and foregoing it yourself.
 
Old 07-25-2014, 11:49 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,717,492 times
Reputation: 14499
Quote:
Originally Posted by DocTrojan View Post
I have 2 kids, both daughters, both in their teens( 15 and 17) and I have a heck of a time disciplining them. Now, the 15 year old, she's the calmer of the two, she doesn't really argue with me, as much as debate me. She doesn't come to argue me with out well thought out arguments and because of that, she usually got her way. As the years have gone on she's begun to take after her sister. The 17 year old won't argue, she'll just whine and groan until either she gets her way or she gives up. They're both generally good kids, no suspension, no arrests, but they have snuck beer, snuck out of the house, and gotten more detentions than I would've liked. My house has very few, but very fair rules, ones my dad gave my sister. No revealing outfits, no boys upstairs, unless you're ok with you having your door open and me in the study( upstairs), if you are having a male friend over for the 1st time, parents are meeting him first, and try your hardest in school, if you can only muster up a C in a class, fine, just as long as you did all you could. If any discipline is done in the house it's by me. My wife is always the good guy. I'll ground a daughter, she'll start throwing a fit, then my wife'll put her arm around the daughter, and ask them to go for a walk. I've tried being the good guy, they don't respond to it. As I imagine is the case of a majority of fathers, I'm the human ATM machine. My 15 year old did recently have a job, but she felt it was affecting school and quit it.

I need help. What needs to be done?
The thing you did wrong is you had girls 15 and 17 years ago. As a result you are now the proud owner of two quite normal teenaged girls. There is hope. I hear that they become normal human beings again in their mid 20's.

Signed - Mom of 19 year old and 16 year old girls - Sigh
 
Old 07-25-2014, 12:10 PM
 
291 posts, read 294,714 times
Reputation: 577
Sorry, am I the only person here whose friends in school did NOT get detentions or drink in the home or sneak out? If you want to introduce your children to drinking gradually then let them have half a beer after dinner on Friday and Saturday nights. Not sneaking binge drinking!

Arguing, pouting--okay. Normal. Even crying, screaming. Not okay, but normal.

What do you have to do to get a detention in school? Is it just being late, or what? How is that normal? Not every kid gets "a few detentions"!

Quote:
As I imagine is the case of a majority of fathers, I'm the human ATM machine.
No. Our kids earn what they want. Even in middle school, they have gone door to door to find work. Even the little ones have to earn ice-cream money. The 13-year-old babysits and is setting up a proper business.

I do not think you have to put up with this. I think that making a plan and expecting more of your kids is the least you can do for them. It means you drink at a meal with the family not binge drink in secret, it means you get money for good grades and work, detentions are at school and you will be punished at home for not doing your job, you can go where you please but you need to let us know where you're going, etc.
 
Old 07-25-2014, 12:31 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,492 posts, read 15,940,606 times
Reputation: 38845
Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl View Post
You are giving in because you don't want to hear her whine. Stop giving in and stick to your guns. You and your wife need to sit down to discuss the issue so you can approach your children as 'one unit' and not be divided.
Although, it is hard to start when they are teenagers, our children knew from the time that they were pre-schoolers that whining meant an automatic No. Since they knew that whining & begging for a candy bar at age 3 or 4 in the grocery meant that they would be told No, they never whined or begged then or when they were older.

If they disagreed with a decision, such as a curfew they may give logical reasons why we should consider changing our minds, but they never whined.

I agree that you and wife need to follow the same rules when dealing with your children. Decide in advance how you are going to deal with issues such as stealing beers from your refrigerator and then lying about it and you and you wife need to agree with the penalties and follow through with them.
 
Old 07-25-2014, 01:23 PM
 
Location: Waxhaw, NC
1,076 posts, read 1,925,756 times
Reputation: 1099
The big picture here:

Your wife IS undermining you. You and she need to be on the SAME PAGE. Once you figure that part out, the rest will fall into place. Until then, you'll just be the foot mat your wife makes you out to be.
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