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Old 07-26-2014, 02:56 PM
 
12,936 posts, read 19,854,740 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DocTrojan View Post
they're driving home, I honestly don't know if there is a curfew or not. I'm sure there is, but I don't know time
We've lived in several areas of the country. Even towns without physical curfews had limited hours when it was permissible for a 17 yr old to be out driving, unless they were returning home from work.

Now you have a 17 yr old out all hours, and probably drinking. You might want to Google the cost of an underage DUI. You need a wake-up call.

 
Old 07-26-2014, 03:14 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
21,163 posts, read 22,168,168 times
Reputation: 35681
Quote:
Originally Posted by DocTrojan View Post
maciesmom, You seem knowledgeable, I'm dead serious about going ExtremeQ's way, think that'll help steer behavior? by stripping them of all enjoyment? book reports sound like a nice idea, maybe that'll help prepare them for English class.
I cannot imagine even getting to the point you seem to be with parenting. That said, I cannot imagine taking parenting advice from a militant "childfree" person either. Or even thinking about it. So that part of your post makes me a bit.....

I have no idea what will work with your family. All I know is if this situation is real - then changes need to be made - starting from the top. And the best chance you have is one led with concern for their future.
 
Old 07-26-2014, 03:19 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 86,203,636 times
Reputation: 39684
Quote:
Originally Posted by DocTrojan View Post
I have 2 kids, both daughters, both in their teens( 15 and 17) and I have a heck of a time disciplining them. Now, the 15 year old, she's the calmer of the two, she doesn't really argue with me, as much as debate me. She doesn't come to argue me with out well thought out arguments and because of that, she usually got her way. As the years have gone on she's begun to take after her sister. The 17 year old won't argue, she'll just whine and groan until either she gets her way or she gives up. They're both generally good kids, no suspension, no arrests, but they have snuck beer, snuck out of the house, and gotten more detentions than I would've liked. My house has very few, but very fair rules, ones my dad gave my sister. No revealing outfits, no boys upstairs, unless you're ok with you having your door open and me in the study( upstairs), if you are having a male friend over for the 1st time, parents are meeting him first, and try your hardest in school, if you can only muster up a C in a class, fine, just as long as you did all you could. If any discipline is done in the house it's by me. My wife is always the good guy. I'll ground a daughter, she'll start throwing a fit, then my wife'll put her arm around the daughter, and ask them to go for a walk. I've tried being the good guy, they don't respond to it. As I imagine is the case of a majority of fathers, I'm the human ATM machine. My 15 year old did recently have a job, but she felt it was affecting school and quit it.

I need help. What needs to be done?
You have failed to make the transition from parenting your kids to MENTORING them.

This should have started about the age of 14.

At their ages they should have learned enough self-discipline so as not to require a parental firm hand of discipline.

It's not too late...get busy learning so that you can help them before it is!
 
Old 07-26-2014, 03:35 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,519 posts, read 16,009,154 times
Reputation: 38985
Quote:
Originally Posted by DocTrojan View Post
you know what they need? they need to start doing chores. Lots of them. We tried getting them to do chores before and all we heard was " it's hot out. This is pointless." " we aren't your slaves/hired help"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
I'm beginning to understand why your daughters don't respect you. Are there no real consequences for their actions? In my house, it wouldn't have been "no more parties" if my kids broke curfew by 2.5 hours. It would have been more along the lines of "no more anything", for quite a while. What kind of parents don't start tracking down their kids when they are that late coming home? I'd have been a wreck imagining the worst.

They should have had chores all along. You need some backbone Dad. This isn't all caused by Mom.
OP, did you think that you can start to be a parent when your children are teenagers?

The way to have teenagers happily do their chores is for them to start out as preschoolers doing age appropriate chores and building their responsibility and expectations.

It is like those parents who complain that their children are constantly playing video games, on the computer and watching TV and the parents claim that "they can't do anything about it." My grandson is only 9 months old and his parents have already discussed and agreed upon how much "screen time" he is allowed to have now and in the near future. And, I am sure that they are going to stick to their plan. I know that they (my son & DIL) will not be whining in a few years "I can't get Junior off of the computer/tablet/TV. What can I do?"
 
Old 07-26-2014, 03:52 PM
 
Location: Raleigh NC
5,289 posts, read 4,586,940 times
Reputation: 13277
Quote:
Originally Posted by DocTrojan View Post
it's just irritating that I can't ground someone or take her phone away without my wife stepping in and inadvertently making me the villain. Even on like big things. Couple months ago, wife and I were going out for dinner + a movie. I got done with work, ran to a gas station, bought a 12 pack of beer, went home, and put it in the fridge. When she and I left, there were 12 beers, 3 were gone when we got back 3 were gone. Well, I found the 3 in the garbage can in the kitchen hidden under some paper towels. Now I'm not one of those " no drinking until you're 21" type parents, but they took without asking and lied. I asked them both what happened. At first they " had no idea", then they confessed. I grounded them for 2 weeks, wife's idea of handling the situation was telling them " You're teenagers, everyone does this."
Okay, so did they end up being grounded for two weeks?

If your wife saying "you're teenagers, everyone does this" was enough to cause you to rescind your punishment, you don't have a parenting problem, you have a backbone problem. If the punishment stood, and you are just feeling grouchy that your wife was attempting to soften the delivery of the punishment, you have an insecurity problem. It's okay to play good cop/bad cop sometimes.

Grounding a kid for two weeks for sneaking beer is a perfectly acceptable punishment.

Sit your wife down and discuss this with her BEFORE the next incident. Explain to her how it feels when you are undermined and ask her for some strategies for deciding on and delivering punishments.

And BTW, you need to BECOME one of those 'no drinking until you're 21' type parents.
 
Old 07-26-2014, 03:54 PM
 
35 posts, read 34,592 times
Reputation: 39
You need to have a talk with your wife so you are on the same page when it comes to discipline. You all should have been getting those behinds when they were younger-now they're older and hard to control.
 
Old 07-26-2014, 05:52 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,437 posts, read 41,755,845 times
Reputation: 47043
Your daughters are not the problem. they sound pretty normal. You and your wife and the lack of acting as a team are the problem. You can't start trying to disciplining teenagers for the first time. they should have had some discipline from day one. But here you sit with two girls who know how to play their parents off each other. if you and your wife don't get on the same page and soon you are in for a world of hurt.

If two teenagers drank beer and tried to lie about it they would get more than 2 weeks of restrictions. Phones, screen time, all sorts of privileges taken away.
Here's a tip. You tell them all the things they have are earned and they are not entitled to them You take things away and let them prove to you they can handle such privileges as phones, computers, ipads, whatever.
As it is now you are teaching them to manipulate both of you to get their way.

When my now grown kids were teenagers and they wanted permission to do something I was iffy about i told them."convince me". I taught them how to organize their thoughts and pros and cons and how to be ready to come back with reasonable statements which would make me reconsider. Sometimes I would say "OK with these stipulations or limits" and sometimes I would say "Sorry it's still a no and you know why". After awhile they figured out which things we were more likely to bend on after a good conversation and good communication and which things just were no even worth bringing up.
 
Old 07-26-2014, 05:55 PM
 
539 posts, read 379,016 times
Reputation: 630
Listen I'm pretty sure getting a few detentions and trying to drink and go to high school parties is very normal behavior for girls that age no matter what anyone else says. As long as that is everything, and they are safe I wouldn't worry too much.

If they won't do chores...don't give them a penny for allowance. Also make them get a job that will teach them respect. Other than that a 17 year old is too old to be treated like a little kid. Their fine
 
Old 07-26-2014, 05:57 PM
 
539 posts, read 379,016 times
Reputation: 630
You should not let them drink and drive tho. That is super wrong.
 
Old 07-26-2014, 06:01 PM
 
539 posts, read 379,016 times
Reputation: 630
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
Your daughters are not the problem. they sound pretty normal. You and your wife and the lack of acting as a team are the problem. You can't start trying to disciplining teenagers for the first time. they should have had some discipline from day one. But here you sit with two girls who know how to play their parents off each other. if you and your wife don't get on the same page and soon you are in for a world of hurt.

If two teenagers drank beer and tried to lie about it they would get more than 2 weeks of restrictions. Phones, screen time, all sorts of privileges taken away.
Here's a tip. You tell them all the things they have are earned and they are not entitled to them You take things away and let them prove to you they can handle such privileges as phones, computers, ipads, whatever.
As it is now you are teaching them to manipulate both of you to get their way.

When my now grown kids were teenagers and they wanted permission to do something I was iffy about i told them."convince me". I taught them how to organize their thoughts and pros and cons and how to be ready to come back with reasonable statements which would make me reconsider. Sometimes I would say "OK with these stipulations or limits" and sometimes I would say "Sorry it's still a no and you know why". After awhile they figured out which things we were more likely to bend on after a good conversation and good communication and which things just were no even worth bringing up.
My parents pretty much did this too. Awesome strategy. I feel like if parents are reasonable, their kids will be most of the time as well.
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