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And just so all of you who may or may not be completely oblivious...if you make a rule about how they dress, they will change when they get in their friends car, at school in the bathroom, etc...
Same with any rule. A 17 year old girl is an adult in many many many ways. Your best bet is to teach her why its not okay to dress a certain way. Build her confidence that she doesn't need to dress like that to be pretty. Same with drinking. 17 is far passed the age to treat your daughters like some people on here think is normal
When it comes to drinking some kids are just gonna do it. If my parents would have had some zero tolerance rule towards not drinking, I still would have. I drank in high school and there was nothing anyone could do or say to stop it. Some kids are like that. Thankfully my parents disciplined me the one time they caught me. But at the same time I knew that if I was ever in a situation, I could call my mom and she would pick me up with no questions asked and she would be proud that I didnt drive. That attitude is how you teach responsible drinking.
I raised my two daughters as a single mom from the time they were 13 and 7. Not too many rules, a lot of talking, very long leashes. Repeat: a LOT of talking. I had to ground them a few times, taking phone/internet away, social life, etc.
I think it was easier because I was the lone voice of authority, and also the lone trusted confidant. No one else had to get on any "page" with me. They knew what I expected. When they went outside of that, it was important to me to know why, what was behind it. Usually they had a reason that could be rationalized/articulated. Not always a good one but at least we could start working through it.
Had very few incidents of sneaking/lying. though neither of them would I characterize as "angels."
This is just an observation, take from it what you will.
... and how a sex ed professor of mine who had 3 daughters himself, whom I can quote him saying "puberty is what turns sweet little girls into *******".
... and how a sex ed professor of mine who had 3 daughters himself, whom I can quote him saying "puberty is what turns sweet little girls into *******".
I took an approach with my wife of pointing out to her the bare problem, hoping to see that I'm tough but fair. I was hoping for an opportunity and it came sooner than expected. They were heading out to a party, all I ask of them is 2 things: 1) text me when you get there and are leaving, 2) be home at a reasonable time. I've set 12:30 as a reasonable time. They went 0/2 on texting me and got home at 3am. I'm a very light sleeper, I heard them come up the stairs, saw their room lights go on, figured it was too late to fight and decided to deal with it in the morning.
So this morning, with my wife in the room, I asked them how last night was, told them how concerned I was without texts. Their claim of both phones dying turned out to be a lie, they lied about coming home at 3, said they were back by 12. Usually I'd get really mad and lay the hammer down, I just gave my wife a look of " see what I mean?" I hope it resonated with her. I didn't even punish them, I just told them that I was disappointed and had lot a lot of trust in them and reminded them that trust is hard to regain. Then, a miracle happened, my wife punished them, no more parties. I think what really opened my wife's eyes was how furious Amber( 17yo) was fighting us still. She starting pouting about fairness and pulling out the excuse of " You were 17 once too right?" I think wife and I are finally uniting.
Welcome to parenting OP. It's a tough job and it requires self discipline and consistency. Not just consistency in punishment doled out but consistency in putting down your foot even when it would be easy to let it go. That's what I see most parents that have problems fail at. They're tired and don't feel like dealing with it so they cave in.......over time, it's hard to overcome that.
Also, good parenting starts from the time they can talk and walk. too many parents try to be "friends" and think their kids bad behavior is "cute" at the time and don't realize they are setting themselves up for trouble later.
Your job first and foremost is as a parent. Hard for some to handle that.
OK..OP you've got problems. You've got two teens who:
1) are drinking
2) dress inappropriately
3) get detention(s!) for behavior at school
4) go to parties and stay out until 3 a.m.
5) disregard being asked to keep in touch
This is not what I see as normal teen behavior.
I hate to say it but I think the behavior you are looking for (or at least what I'd be looking for - maybe that's different but clearly you are not happy with the way things are) is going to be tough to achieve at this point. Those expectations should have been laid out YEARS ago. YEARS. And with a united front.
I'm certainly not advocating throwing your hands in the air and giving up but you have an uphill battle at this point. You are changing the rules midstream. Most important? United front and consistancy. Good luck.
After thinking about this a bit...OP are you more concerned with their behaviors or by the lack of respect you feel you are getting?
I took an approach with my wife of pointing out to her the bare problem, hoping to see that I'm tough but fair. I was hoping for an opportunity and it came sooner than expected. They were heading out to a party, all I ask of them is 2 things: 1) text me when you get there and are leaving, 2) be home at a reasonable time. I've set 12:30 as a reasonable time. They went 0/2 on texting me and got home at 3am. I'm a very light sleeper, I heard them come up the stairs, saw their room lights go on, figured it was too late to fight and decided to deal with it in the morning.
So this morning, with my wife in the room, I asked them how last night was, told them how concerned I was without texts. Their claim of both phones dying turned out to be a lie, they lied about coming home at 3, said they were back by 12. Usually I'd get really mad and lay the hammer down, I just gave my wife a look of " see what I mean?" I hope it resonated with her. I didn't even punish them, I just told them that I was disappointed and had lot a lot of trust in them and reminded them that trust is hard to regain. Then, a miracle happened, my wife punished them, no more parties. I think what really opened my wife's eyes was how furious Amber( 17yo) was fighting us still. She starting pouting about fairness and pulling out the excuse of " You were 17 once too right?" I think wife and I are finally uniting.
I am glad that you and your wife are on the same page.
I'll share two tips regarding teen curfews. My husband was/is night owl and he always stayed up until our teenagers returned home. They couldn't break curfew and sneak in late as Dad was always waiting in the living room reading. He was also always awake in case they called to say "I'm running late because I needed to drive David & Mary home from the party."
One of my friends used a different technique. She would go to bed the usual time but set her alarm clock to go off five minutes after curfew time. If her teenagers were home on time they just turned out the alarm when they got home. If they were not home on time the alarm woke her up and she either stayed up until her kids arrived home or locked the front door and went back to bed. The teens would need to ring the door bell and wake her & her husband up to get inside the house.
Of course, there were consequences for being late.
OK..OP you've got problems. You've got two teens who:
1) are drinking
2) dress inappropriately
3) get detention(s!) for behavior at school
4) go to parties and stay out until 3 a.m.
5) disregard being asked to keep in touch
This is not what I see as normal teen behavior.
I hate to say it but I think the behavior you are looking for (or at least what I'd be looking for - maybe that's different but clearly you are not happy with the way things are) is going to be tough to achieve at this point. Those expectations should have been laid out YEARS ago. YEARS. And with a united front.
I'm certainly not advocating throwing your hands in the air and giving up but you have an uphill battle at this point. You are changing the rules midstream. Most important? United front and consistancy. Good luck.
After thinking about this a bit...OP are you more concerned with their behaviors or by the lack of respect you feel you are getting?
both really, in my mind, they are intertwined, their bad behavior causes disrespect
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