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Old 07-25-2014, 09:57 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles
58 posts, read 47,691 times
Reputation: 30

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I have 2 kids, both daughters, both in their teens( 15 and 17) and I have a heck of a time disciplining them. Now, the 15 year old, she's the calmer of the two, she doesn't really argue with me, as much as debate me. She doesn't come to argue me with out well thought out arguments and because of that, she usually got her way. As the years have gone on she's begun to take after her sister. The 17 year old won't argue, she'll just whine and groan until either she gets her way or she gives up. They're both generally good kids, no suspension, no arrests, but they have snuck beer, snuck out of the house, and gotten more detentions than I would've liked. My house has very few, but very fair rules, ones my dad gave my sister. No revealing outfits, no boys upstairs, unless you're ok with you having your door open and me in the study( upstairs), if you are having a male friend over for the 1st time, parents are meeting him first, and try your hardest in school, if you can only muster up a C in a class, fine, just as long as you did all you could. If any discipline is done in the house it's by me. My wife is always the good guy. I'll ground a daughter, she'll start throwing a fit, then my wife'll put her arm around the daughter, and ask them to go for a walk. I've tried being the good guy, they don't respond to it. As I imagine is the case of a majority of fathers, I'm the human ATM machine. My 15 year old did recently have a job, but she felt it was affecting school and quit it.

I need help. What needs to be done?

 
Old 07-25-2014, 10:14 AM
 
1,640 posts, read 3,178,649 times
Reputation: 3467
Sounds pretty normal to me.
 
Old 07-25-2014, 10:18 AM
 
1,516 posts, read 1,763,880 times
Reputation: 3110
And summertime seems to amplify the problems since they are home all day long......
 
Old 07-25-2014, 10:21 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,003 posts, read 37,656,456 times
Reputation: 73578
For one thing, it sounds like there is a general lack of respect in the house, especially from your wife.

Discipline is the kind of procedures you have in place since they are babies, which is why it is so hard to start enforcing things when they are older.

My priority would be getting on the same page with your wife. Have you told her how it makes you feel when she makes you the bad guy, and that you think it's undermining your work with the girls?

Also, I do not respond to whining. It gets them NOWHERE in my house. I would not even acknowledge them if they did it. They aren't 3-year-olds.
 
Old 07-25-2014, 10:30 AM
 
Location: California
61 posts, read 69,155 times
Reputation: 193
I agree with Wmsn4Life - you need to both get on the same page. It doesn't seem that anyone is in charge, and that your wife is more of a buddy than a mom, from what you have described.

I fought my Dad hard as a teenage girl. I remember debating with him, being a victim of his harsh rules (laughing at this now). Inside, I was pleased that my Dad saw enough value in me. He saw so much value in me, that he didn't budge on the rules, and though I bemoaned my fate, inside half of me was pleased. He never stopped telling me how much he loved me, and wouldn't let me go down the wrong path.

I'm so thankful for a good Dad. I wouldn't have dreamed of disrespecting him, because he would NOT have allowed it!
 
Old 07-25-2014, 10:38 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles
58 posts, read 47,691 times
Reputation: 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by Siggy20 View Post
And summertime seems to amplify the problems since they are home all day long......
very true.
 
Old 07-25-2014, 10:42 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles
58 posts, read 47,691 times
Reputation: 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
For one thing, it sounds like there is a general lack of respect in the house, especially from your wife.

Discipline is the kind of procedures you have in place since they are babies, which is why it is so hard to start enforcing things when they are older.

My priority would be getting on the same page with your wife. Have you told her how it makes you feel when she makes you the bad guy, and that you think it's undermining your work with the girls?

Also, I do not respond to whining. It gets them NOWHERE in my house. I would not even acknowledge them if they did it. They aren't 3-year-olds.

It's not so much whining as it is just walking around being surly, giving 1 word answers, etc. I don't even think my wife realizes she does it, I think it's just her first reaction and she acts on it. She probably views it as " I'm helping the girls"and not " I'm undermining my husband's punishment"
 
Old 07-25-2014, 10:51 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,003 posts, read 37,656,456 times
Reputation: 73578
Quote:
Originally Posted by DocTrojan View Post
It's not so much whining as it is just walking around being surly, giving 1 word answers, etc. I don't even think my wife realizes she does it, I think it's just her first reaction and she acts on it. She probably views it as " I'm helping the girls"and not " I'm undermining my husband's punishment"
That's pouting.

Your wife is teaching them that if they pout, she will jump.

So they are behaving exactly the way y'all have trained them to. Mom has to learn to ignore. And you don't have to hand out $$ (although I know sometimes having them OUT of the house is a blessing.)
 
Old 07-25-2014, 11:08 AM
 
Location: Dallas TX
14,294 posts, read 20,539,012 times
Reputation: 20153
Quote:
Originally Posted by DocTrojan View Post
I have 2 kids, both daughters, both in their teens( 15 and 17) and I have a heck of a time disciplining them. Now, the 15 year old, she's the calmer of the two, she doesn't really argue with me, as much as debate me. She doesn't come to argue me with out well thought out arguments and because of that, she usually got her way. As the years have gone on she's begun to take after her sister. The 17 year old won't argue, she'll just whine and groan until either she gets her way or she gives up. They're both generally good kids, no suspension, no arrests, but they have snuck beer, snuck out of the house, and gotten more detentions than I would've liked. My house has very few, but very fair rules, ones my dad gave my sister. No revealing outfits, no boys upstairs, unless you're ok with you having your door open and me in the study( upstairs), if you are having a male friend over for the 1st time, parents are meeting him first, and try your hardest in school, if you can only muster up a C in a class, fine, just as long as you did all you could. If any discipline is done in the house it's by me. My wife is always the good guy. I'll ground a daughter, she'll start throwing a fit, then my wife'll put her arm around the daughter, and ask them to go for a walk. I've tried being the good guy, they don't respond to it. As I imagine is the case of a majority of fathers, I'm the human ATM machine. My 15 year old did recently have a job, but she felt it was affecting school and quit it.

I need help. What needs to be done?
You are giving in because you don't want to hear her whine. Stop giving in and stick to your guns. You and your wife need to sit down to discuss the issue so you can approach your children as 'one unit' and not be divided.
 
Old 07-25-2014, 11:11 AM
 
5,413 posts, read 4,814,499 times
Reputation: 9351
Quote:
Originally Posted by DocTrojan View Post
I have 2 kids, both daughters, both in their teens( 15 and 17) and I have a heck of a time disciplining them. Now, the 15 year old, she's the calmer of the two, she doesn't really argue with me, as much as debate me. She doesn't come to argue me with out well thought out arguments and because of that, she usually got her way. As the years have gone on she's begun to take after her sister. The 17 year old won't argue, she'll just whine and groan until either she gets her way or she gives up. They're both generally good kids, no suspension, no arrests, but they have snuck beer, snuck out of the house, and gotten more detentions than I would've liked. My house has very few, but very fair rules, ones my dad gave my sister. No revealing outfits, no boys upstairs, unless you're ok with you having your door open and me in the study( upstairs), if you are having a male friend over for the 1st time, parents are meeting him first, and try your hardest in school, if you can only muster up a C in a class, fine, just as long as you did all you could. If any discipline is done in the house it's by me. My wife is always the good guy. I'll ground a daughter, she'll start throwing a fit, then my wife'll put her arm around the daughter, and ask them to go for a walk. I've tried being the good guy, they don't respond to it. As I imagine is the case of a majority of fathers, I'm the human ATM machine. My 15 year old did recently have a job, but she felt it was affecting school and quit it.

I need help. What needs to be done?
What exactly is your question? It sounds pretty typical....you need watch that the sneaking behavior doesn't escalate...but most kids are going to try that at least once.

It sounds like you see yourself as the bad guy...so no wonder they treat you like that. Do ever have fun or talk to your daughters?
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