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Old 07-30-2014, 12:49 PM
 
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You need to commit to always being there on Thursday nights and your weekend day no matter what comes up at work.

 
Old 07-30-2014, 12:49 PM
 
10,608 posts, read 13,373,641 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PrinzK View Post
I wouldn't be so dramatic, I hope they can see I made an effort and have a bit of time for me when they grow up.

The 4 year old would sleep in my house, no problem. But the youngest starts crying if he has to go to sleep in unfamiliar surroundings. I'll try to have him start staying here soon. The oldest says he won't stay if his brother doesn't and I don't want to force things too much.
YES it's UNFAMILIAR SURROUNDINGS because you are a STRANGER.
 
Old 07-30-2014, 12:53 PM
 
46 posts, read 38,544 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick View Post
I would be nice if you considered your sons to be as important as the gym. You don't make excuses and skip the gym... the same should hold for your boys.
Sometimes I skip the gym as well when I'm busy but you're right.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick View Post
No excuse.
You say you get them from daycare & have them home for their bedtime. That "last minute problem" will be there AFTER their bedtime.

What you are teaching them is that work is more important to you than they are.
Sometimes it's hard to say no to people. Guess I'll have to learn it.
 
Old 07-30-2014, 12:56 PM
 
Location: Over yonder a piece
3,758 posts, read 4,291,481 times
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As to the younger one not sleeping at your house - what if you made it fun the first few times? Do sleeping bags for all three of you on the living room floor, or have the boys sleep in your bed with you (provided you have a big enough bed)? Once the younger one is used to staying the night, it'll be less problematic to have them stay overnight.

I tend to agree with other posters that have basically said you need to adjust your priorities. The gym should not be more of a priority than your boys. Tell your boss that "last minute" work will need to wait until after you've picked up your sons, had dinner, and put them to bed for the night.

You say you spend Thursday evenings, Saturdays and Sundays with the boys. And sometimes you cancel due to business trips or "last minute" stuff at work. So you spend 100+ hours on work, and 20 hours on your sons. And no overnights. Based on that low level of participation, you aren't a dad, you are a babysitter.

Your sons need more than 20 hours a week with you if you want to have ANY kind of a relationship with them as they get older.
 
Old 07-30-2014, 12:59 PM
 
46 posts, read 38,544 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by runswithscissors View Post
P.S. You said "your language" so I assume you are not a native born American? Ditto here. My son didn't give a DAMN about his 100 relatives in Greece or grandparents once he "divorced" his father. They were ALL dead to him permanently.
We don't live in the US.
 
Old 07-30-2014, 01:08 PM
 
Location: southwestern PA
20,426 posts, read 35,696,560 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PrinzK View Post



Sometimes it's hard to say no to people.
Hmmm... but you say it to your sons, right?
(No, I won't see you tonight... something came up at work.)
 
Old 07-30-2014, 01:14 PM
 
4,743 posts, read 3,574,817 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PrinzK View Post
I wouldn't be so dramatic, I hope they can see I made an effort and have a bit of time for me when they grow up.




The 4 year old would sleep in my house, no problem. But the youngest starts crying if he has to go to sleep in unfamiliar surroundings. I'll try to have him start staying here soon. The oldest says he won't stay if his brother doesn't and I don't want to force things too much.
Kids cry, 2 year old cry

if you let them do it. . .they will cry at 3 or even 4. . ..crying is part of being a parent. The kid will adapt.
 
Old 07-30-2014, 01:16 PM
 
32,538 posts, read 29,319,241 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PrinzK View Post
I have two sons aged 4 and 2. I've never truly been together with their mother, we had an on-and-off sort of casual relationship.

I'm very dedicated to my job and there are times when I work like 100 hours a week. I still find time to go to the gym 3 times a week to release a bit of testosterone otherwise I start going crazy.

I don't know what to think of all of this, I thought I was making an effort with them.
Ummm..... "making an effort" means NOTHING to your sons.

If you need to release a bit of testosterone (which is, I'd guess, the reason they came into existence) toss a ball around with your sons. They have ONE dad. That's you and they didn't get to pick you out. And they really don't care that you're very dedicated to your job.
 
Old 07-30-2014, 01:18 PM
 
9,667 posts, read 7,629,801 times
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Everyone's already said what I would say, so I'll just agree. Your little boys are small and time passes quickly.

Twenty years from now, will working out at the gym or staying late for work projects be among your cherished memories of today? Or will time spent with - and invested in - your little sons be moments to remember?

BTW, the "poem" quoted previously is from Harry Chapin's popular song of several years ago, "Cat's in the Cradle". I'd suggest you find it on YouTube or somewhere similar and have a listen. There's much wisdom and poignancy in its lyrics, and no, it's not "dramatic", just very touching and all too true for many busy fathers and their children.

The chorus is

"Oh, the cat's in the cradle, and the silver spoons,
Little Boy Blue, and the Man in the Moon,
'When you coming home, Dad?'
'I don't know when... but we'll get together, then, Son,
You know we'll have a good time then'."


In the last chorus, "Son" and "Dad" are reversed.
 
Old 07-30-2014, 01:30 PM
 
2,613 posts, read 4,101,590 times
Reputation: 1869
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrinzK View Post
I have two sons aged 4 and 2. I've never truly been together with their mother, we had an on-and-off sort of casual relationship. A complicated story but it's all settled now.

I'm very dedicated to my job and there are times when I work like 100 hours a week. I still find time to go to the gym 3 times a week to release a bit of testosterone otherwise I start going crazy. I get to spend all Saturday or Sunday with the boys and they come for dinner every Thrusday unless I'm really unavailable.

They also stay with my parents twice a week. The problem is that many times I have to solve a last minute problem and end up staying there until 10 PM on the Thrusday they were supposed to be with me. Then I miss several weekends as well because I'm abroad on a work trip.

Their mother often tells me how disappointed they are when they find out they're not going to be with on that weekend. They don't stay overnight with me because the youngest one is too little and the oldest says he won't stay without his brother.

I got a proposal to get promoted but I would have to be on work trips about 60% of the year and keep up the rhythm. I already earn rather well and I was thinking if a bit more money is worth everything.

I was speaking with their mother the other day and she mentioned if I ever noticed how the oldest uses the formal 'you' in our language when he speaks to me and he's only for. I think he picked that up by listening to me speaking with my own father. I told her my father was never around much and we still get along well. She said "Are you sure? When I see you with your father I see two businessmen".

I don't know what to think of all of this, I thought I was making an effort with them.
I was in a similar position (I'm married, though) and choose to get a new (80-6) job where I could see my kid every day and not travel.

However, there are plenty of people (consultants, bankers, lawyers) that make it work. My only advice is to strictly keep your Thursday time with the kids (even if you come home at 6 and start work again at 9:30). Make that and your weekend responsibilities known to your boss/ clients. People can and will respect that.
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