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It happens and none of us has any regrets over having them.
Except regretting you don't have time for them. Do you have a significant other? if not, why not consider house-sharing with your ex-girlfriend? You two can be platonic but the boys will feel more like they have a father.
I was one of those kids that didn't do well in strange surroundings. What might help is taking him home and putting him to bed yourself. And let him help pick his dad's home bed and decorations. Make sure you take his home luvvy toy or blanket. And maybe at bedtime have mom come over to put him down together at your house.
Yeah -- some kids don't like change. But it's workable.
Yes. Put them first before they don't care about you. You are probably THE most important person in their lives right now. They worship you. When you look back you want to feel good about your role as a father and I'm not seeing that in your future as-is. It's hard as heck on them. NO EXCUSES!
I have two sons aged 4 and 2. I've never truly been together with their mother, we had an on-and-off sort of casual relationship. A complicated story but it's all settled now.
I'm very dedicated to my job and there are times when I work like 100 hours a week. I still find time to go to the gym 3 times a week to release a bit of testosterone otherwise I start going crazy. I get to spend all Saturday or Sunday with the boys and they come for dinner every Thrusday unless I'm really unavailable.
They also stay with my parents twice a week. The problem is that many times I have to solve a last minute problem and end up staying there until 10 PM on the Thrusday they were supposed to be with me. Then I miss several weekends as well because I'm abroad on a work trip.
Their mother often tells me how disappointed they are when they find out they're not going to be with on that weekend. They don't stay overnight with me because the youngest one is too little and the oldest says he won't stay without his brother.
I got a proposal to get promoted but I would have to be on work trips about 60% of the year and keep up the rhythm. I already earn rather well and I was thinking if a bit more money is worth everything.
I was speaking with their mother the other day and she mentioned if I ever noticed how the oldest uses the formal 'you' in our language when he speaks to me and he's only for. I think he picked that up by listening to me speaking with my own father. I told her my father was never around much and we still get along well. She said "Are you sure? When I see you with your father I see two businessmen".
I don't know what to think of all of this, I thought I was making an effort with them.
Well at 4 and 2, they are still young. Yes you should spend as much time with them as you can. When they reach 4th grade, they are going to really need you to be around.. Right now, they sound like mommy's boys, which is totally normal. You're gonna need to start planning some cool trips with them when they get a couple years older..
I hope you take fatherhood seriously.. Money is not everything..
Do you have a significant other? if not, why not consider house-sharing with your ex-girlfriend? You two can be platonic but the boys will feel more like they have a father.
Obviously not, I don't have time for that. No way would we share a house! That's actually the problem, we get along but can't live together. I enjoy my own personal space.
I hope you take fatherhood seriously.. Money is not everything..
I agree. OP, you may not have taken your "relationship" with their mother very seriously, but you have now made two boys who will grow to be men and who are learning a LOT about how to operate in this world from YOU.
As a wife whose husband used to work 80+ hours a week, I can attest to the fact that it sucks to know you will ALWAYS come second and to feel that you have to be understanding because, well, it's work.
At their age, you can never replace the time you don't spend with them
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrinzK
I have two sons aged 4 and 2. I've never truly been together with their mother, we had an on-and-off sort of casual relationship. A complicated story but it's all settled now.
I'm very dedicated to my job and there are times when I work like 100 hours a week. I still find time to go to the gym 3 times a week to release a bit of testosterone otherwise I start going crazy. I get to spend all Saturday or Sunday with the boys and they come for dinner every Thrusday unless I'm really unavailable.
They also stay with my parents twice a week. The problem is that many times I have to solve a last minute problem and end up staying there until 10 PM on the Thrusday they were supposed to be with me. Then I miss several weekends as well because I'm abroad on a work trip.
Their mother often tells me how disappointed they are when they find out they're not going to be with on that weekend. They don't stay overnight with me because the youngest one is too little and the oldest says he won't stay without his brother.
I got a proposal to get promoted but I would have to be on work trips about 60% of the year and keep up the rhythm. I already earn rather well and I was thinking if a bit more money is worth everything.
I was speaking with their mother the other day and she mentioned if I ever noticed how the oldest uses the formal 'you' in our language when he speaks to me and he's only for. I think he picked that up by listening to me speaking with my own father. I told her my father was never around much and we still get along well. She said "Are you sure? When I see you with your father I see two businessmen".
I don't know what to think of all of this, I thought I was making an effort with them.
All things considered you've got a good pattern here. The two have solid contact with the grandparents and with you except for those Thursdays. You can never make up missed time at that age. That age is critical and makes your base with them. After they commence daycare or kindergarden their social world opens up a little, gets busier, and their young minds realize that adults do have responsibilities. But at four and two those are the formative windows. Every minute you can spend at that age imprints large in their minds.
As a kid my father wasn't around much, but he was still around much more than you are, and I held considerable resentment to how little he appeared to care. He was working too and all he cared about was money and getting ahead. We no longer talk. He's still the same person, only cares about himself. When he's around me he hugs me and talks lovingly to me but it feels fake and forced. Sorry, but, you had children... your relationship with your wife, whatever it may be, is not an excuse to be around "when you can". It's up to you to adjust your career expectations so that you can be a father that is present in their lives, otherwise you'll always just be "there from time to time". My 2 cents.
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At their age, you can never replace the time you don't spend with them
