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Old 07-30-2014, 10:07 AM
 
46 posts, read 38,544 times
Reputation: 35

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I have two sons aged 4 and 2. I've never truly been together with their mother, we had an on-and-off sort of casual relationship. A complicated story but it's all settled now.

I'm very dedicated to my job and there are times when I work like 100 hours a week. I still find time to go to the gym 3 times a week to release a bit of testosterone otherwise I start going crazy. I get to spend all Saturday or Sunday with the boys and they come for dinner every Thrusday unless I'm really unavailable.

They also stay with my parents twice a week. The problem is that many times I have to solve a last minute problem and end up staying there until 10 PM on the Thrusday they were supposed to be with me. Then I miss several weekends as well because I'm abroad on a work trip.

Their mother often tells me how disappointed they are when they find out they're not going to be with on that weekend. They don't stay overnight with me because the youngest one is too little and the oldest says he won't stay without his brother.

I got a proposal to get promoted but I would have to be on work trips about 60% of the year and keep up the rhythm. I already earn rather well and I was thinking if a bit more money is worth everything.

I was speaking with their mother the other day and she mentioned if I ever noticed how the oldest uses the formal 'you' in our language when he speaks to me and he's only for. I think he picked that up by listening to me speaking with my own father. I told her my father was never around much and we still get along well. She said "Are you sure? When I see you with your father I see two businessmen".

I don't know what to think of all of this, I thought I was making an effort with them.

 
Old 07-30-2014, 10:28 AM
 
12,913 posts, read 19,782,209 times
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I think you are. It sounds as though you provide well for their material needs, and it's good that your parents step in in your absence, but they need to be able to count on your presence too. If they're frequently let down when they expect to spend time with you, yes, they feel neglected. If you want to have a real relationship with them as they get older, you have to make more of an effort when they're little.

Why do you think the 2 yr old is too young to stay with you? Can't you take them for vacation weeks?
 
Old 07-30-2014, 10:35 AM
 
46 posts, read 38,544 times
Reputation: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
I think you are. It sounds as though you provide well for their material needs, and it's good that your parents step in in your absence, but they need to be able to count on your presence too. If they're frequently let down when they expect to spend time with you, yes, they feel neglected. If you want to have a real relationship with them as they get older, you have to make more of an effort when they're little.
I feel terrible when I have to let them down but it's work. I just don't want them to feel as if I don't care about them and I'm sure children see these things differently.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Why do you think the 2 yr old is too young to stay with you? Can't you take them for vacation weeks?
He starts crying if he has to spend the night with me and starts calling for his mother. When I pick him up we always have to assure him that he's going back to his mother.
 
Old 07-30-2014, 10:41 AM
 
506 posts, read 248,399 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PrinzK View Post
I feel terrible when I have to let them down but it's work. I just don't want them to feel as if I don't care about them and I'm sure children see these things differently.



He starts crying if he has to spend the night with me and starts calling for his mother. When I pick him up we always have to assure him that he's going back to his mother.
Your "work" seems to be requiring too much of you. 100 hours a week! There are only 168 hours in a whole week (including weekends) and only 120 hours in work week.
 
Old 07-30-2014, 10:44 AM
 
46 posts, read 38,544 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tisnjh View Post
Your "work" seems to be requiring too much of you. 100 hours a week! There are only 168 hours in a whole week (including weekends) and only 120 hours in work week.
Well, that's every week but there are times when that happens. The average is about 70-75.
 
Old 07-30-2014, 10:52 AM
 
4,111 posts, read 12,826,509 times
Reputation: 3704
ON an average, how many actual hours weekly do you spend w/ your sons?
 
Old 07-30-2014, 10:57 AM
 
46 posts, read 38,544 times
Reputation: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by Honeycrisp View Post
ON an average, how many actual hours weekly do you spend w/ your sons?
If everything goes well, I pick them up from daycare on Thrusdays and take them back to their mother's after dinner since they have to go to bed early. Then I pick them up on either Saturday or Sunday morning and take them back after dinner again.
 
Old 07-30-2014, 10:59 AM
 
1,516 posts, read 1,763,880 times
Reputation: 3110
It sounds like you are making a great effort. Just a few tweaks and you should be set. It is great that they are staying with your parents a couple times a week and you get to see them so often, especially the weekends. I think you are doing a remarkable job in terms of time with your sons.

My only advice is to try to be there when you say....be a person of your word. Unless it is a dire work emergency causing you to physically be at work, try to make it back on Thursday or whatever time you may have with your sons. Most business can be conducted remotely unless you are the IT guy physically having to be there for whatever emergency (my poor hubby for example). It is easy to get caught up in your career yet after a bit, you realize that everything doesn't need to be done right at that moment.

As to promotion, that is a personal choice, especially if you have to travel extensively. Only you can make that choice and don't let anyone guilt you into one particular decision. I've known many families where one person extensively travels yet they have pretty good quality time with their kids when they are home.
 
Old 07-30-2014, 11:00 AM
 
Location: southwestern PA
20,426 posts, read 35,696,560 times
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So that's what... 4 hours? Six?
 
Old 07-30-2014, 11:02 AM
 
46 posts, read 38,544 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick View Post
So that's what... 4 hours? Six?
No, more. I spend a full day of the weekend with them (well, from morning to night).
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