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Old 08-01-2014, 09:55 AM
 
Location: Denver area
21,149 posts, read 22,157,419 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaded View Post
Oh please. Stop trying to start an argument for argument's sake. I have no idea where you got any of the above interpretation from my post. Newsflash: I STAY AT HOME.
You stay home with toddlers and preschoolers all day?

Someone being overwhelmed by that from time to time does not necessarily need therapy or a job. Unless she wants it. She asked for ideas on how to manage not to be told get a job or seek therapy.
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Old 08-01-2014, 09:59 AM
 
1,851 posts, read 2,913,426 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
You stay home with toddlers and preschoolers all day?

Someone being overwhelmed by that from time to time does not necessarily need therapy or a job. Unless she wants it. She asked for ideas on how to manage not to be told get a job or seek therapy.
If that's still your interpretation, enjoy arguing with yourself.
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Old 08-01-2014, 02:24 PM
 
32,538 posts, read 29,391,758 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hml1976 View Post

4) If you need to let your kids watch six Dora episodes in a row one day...no one will die.
This.
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Old 08-01-2014, 08:40 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,758,930 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
This is a VERY good point.

Moms are not supposed to be like cruise directors. A very important part of growing up is FREE time to do as you wish, and you are not supposed to LEAD your kids through activities every second of the day.

They should have time when they are just on their own in a safe environment, making it up as they go, using their imaginations, learning how to trust their own decisions.
This is HUGE. I see so many students who look to me and constantly ask if they're doing things RIGHT. Using their imaginations when they are younger will help them to learn to self asses when things are working and when they aren't instead of having to ask the teacher.

My all time favorite in this department is the student who put an empty beaker on a hot plate then later realized that it was empty (I had told them not to allow them to try out) and immediately poured cold water into the beaker ON the hot plate....the beaker shattered, the hot plate shorted and the circuit breakers for the lab bench tripped. He just stood there and asked "Wasn't I supposed to do that?". Seriously? The beaker broke, you shorted the hot plate and threw the circuit breakers and you're asking me if you were supposed to do that? I wanted so badly to ask him "What about what just happened makes you think you were SUPPOSED to do that?" Even when things go horribly wrong, I have students who have to ask me if things are ok.

The thing with using their imaginations to play is sometimes things won't go the way they thought they would and they will learn to use the results of their actions to determine whether or not they should continue doing what they are doing. I see kids every year who will boil something over and just keep on heating it and stirring it until I tell them to stop. They just do what they're told until told to change what they're doing. In part I blame cruise director moms who dictate every motion their kids make. Let them color outside of the lines, let them make the tree purple, let them build the tower with too narrow a base, let them learn how to think and experiment on their environment and determine by the result whether or not they should try that again.
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Old 08-03-2014, 05:47 PM
 
Location: DFW/Texas
747 posts, read 627,836 times
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Someone being overwhelmed by that from time to time does not necessarily need therapy or a job. Unless she wants it. She asked for ideas on how to manage not to be told get a job or seek therapy.

This ^^ is very well put. I decided to be a SAHM long before I had children and I had no idea how overwhelming it was going to get at times and the pressure that goes along with it. There's a lot of pressure on working mom's and before I had kids I was under the impression that SAHM's wouldn't have the same kinds of pressures. I was wrong.

There are definite pressures placed upon SAHM's to be perfect, flexible and available at all times. People often assume that the day of a SAHM consists of fun projects and blowing bubbles. It's not, let me assure you. I found an interesting article from some years ago by Carolyn Hax, a question and answer columnist (like Dear Abby but a lot better). The person who wrote in was a childless woman who worked full-time and was complaining that her BFF who was a SAHM didn't have any time to hang out with her, etc. The childless friend asked Carolyn, "What does she DO all day?" This is the majority of her response:

So, since it's validation you seem to want, the real answer is what you get. In list form. When you have young kids, your typical day is: constant attention, from getting them out of bed, fed, clean, dressed; to keeping them out of harm's way; to answering their coos, cries, questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of car keys, and supplies for even the quickest trips, including the latest-to-be-declared-essential piece of molded plastic gear; to keeping them from un-shelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired or bored, any one of which produces the kind of checkout-line screaming that gets the checkout line shaking its head.
It's needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15.
It's constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, constant relegation of your needs to the second tier.
It's constant scrutiny and second-guessing from family and friends, well-meaning and otherwise. It's resisting constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense.
It's doing all this while concurrently teaching virtually everything -- language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity. Empathy. Everything.

Honestly, that is one of the best ways I've seen the job of a SAHM described. No one ever told me how hard it could be and now that I know, I tell everyone who questions or asks me about it. I have a few friends whom are wanting to start families and are wondering if they should also be SAHM's and I've told them that unless they are willing to sacrifice a huge amount of themselves, then to not do it.

The last several days I've taken more initiative to make sure that I am taking time out for myself, even if it means sitting down for a few minutes and reading that magazine that I bought 2 months ago or letting the dishes sit in the sink for a few days. I know our household won't fall apart if I don't do everything perfectly- it's a pressure that I've placed upon myself and I am going to try very hard to get rid of that pressure and try to just BE. My kids are happy, thoughtful, creative and loving so I must be doing something right
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Old 08-03-2014, 06:19 PM
 
Location: here
24,477 posts, read 28,795,927 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Berrie143 View Post
I belong to my local chapter of MOMS Club and while it has been great in some aspects, it's also been bumpy a lot, too, with our former leader (we have elected positions) making a mess of the club in several ways. She's gone now, though, so the club is getting back on its feet. We do have play dates scheduled- for example, we're going to a local museum this Friday- but since we're such a small group (there are only 5 of us) it seems to be easy to have plans fall through a lot and then things get cancelled, etc.

I have a ton of art supplies, play-doh, paints, glue (although my DH has banned glitter from the house, lol) and they love to color and paint, and we'll have some funny talks while they're crafting. And they like to go outside and play in the garden and such and have water fights with the hose. It's still hard, though, as their attention spans are pretty short and they want to go and rush off to the next thing.

The idea of a mother's helper is something that really intrigues me, as it would allow me to get a break now and then and still be able to be here. My DH told me tonight that I HAVE to take the initiative and do things for myself and not allow things to get to such a low point. He's right and even though I agree and KNOW it, I still can't seem to wrap my head around doing such things without feeling guilty. WHY do I feel as if I don't deserve to take care of myself? I want to be the best mother I can be and I know that I can't do that if I'm feeling stressed and resentful. It's a catch-22 and I hate it.
I belonged to MOMS and MOPS. MOPS is different because it provides child care while you chat with other moms, listen to a speaker, or do a craft. MOMS is activities you do with your child. Both are good, but MOPS provides a break.

What would you tell someone else in your shoes? We are all so much harder on ourselves than we are on others. I know I am.

I don't know how large of a city you are in, but we have a drop-in child care center here that saved my life. My MOMS club also had a babysitting co-op. Maybe your group could trade off sitting duties.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaded View Post
Honestly, a lot of posters have pointed out your problem here. It appears you get it too.

But, I sort of get the impression that you enjoy the "woe is me" and "pity party" attitude a little. Did you plan to stay at home, or was it an afterthought once you were home with your first child? I'm only asking because we have posters all the time discuss their dilemma's at home, and some go back to work to feel like they are a person again. There is no right or wrong way. But, in today's time, being a SAHM as you've described is passť. Perhaps you can work from home? At any rate, if you feel like you don't count as a person now (which is understandable to an extent) just wait until your children are older and have friends and activities that don't revolve around you...trust me, they won't care if you're "lonely" while they're having fun!

I think some therapy could help you as another poster suggested. If only to help you put things in a different perspective.
Curious what you mean by that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
Being a SAHP is "passe"?

News to me. I think many posters have validated the OP's feelings as normal (certainly not therapy inducing in an of themselves) and made helpful suggestions on how to deal with them. The OP has said that being a SAHP was important to her. She does not need to justify her position (any more than a working parent needs to) or be concerned that her choice is passe.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaded View Post
Oh please. Stop trying to start an argument for argument's sake. I have no idea where you got any of the above interpretation from my post. Newsflash: I STAY AT HOME.
Which makes your comment all the more odd. You did it right, but she's doing it wrong? I don't understand.
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Old 08-04-2014, 03:22 AM
 
1,851 posts, read 2,913,426 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
Curious what you mean by that.

Which makes your comment all the more odd. You did it right, but she's doing it wrong? I don't understand.
Sorry. Can't be of service to you with these, it would take the thread too off-topic. Other's have understood what I mean. If you don't understand, you don't understand. *shrug.*
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Old 08-04-2014, 02:10 PM
 
Location: Central, NJ
2,314 posts, read 4,826,173 times
Reputation: 2980
I joined the Y and MOPs when my son was 2. IT SAVED MY SANITY. And he loves both places.
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Old 08-04-2014, 02:10 PM
 
Location: Geneva, IL
12,976 posts, read 11,811,103 times
Reputation: 14677
One of the main challenges of a stay at home parent is maintaining an identity apart from the parenting role.

Last edited by Jaded; 08-04-2014 at 05:48 PM..
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Old 08-06-2014, 07:21 AM
 
Location: North America
14,212 posts, read 9,638,529 times
Reputation: 5537
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
No there wouldn't. Our grandmothers had a lot more work to do at home. They wouldn't have had time to log onto bulletin boards. And they didn't complain because there were no other options. There's no sense complaining about what you have no choice about. You just do it. It's when you have choices that you complain because the grass looks greener on the other side.

Try:

Washing clothes by hand (in 1850 this could mean cooking them to get them clean).
Hanging everything on a line to dry
Ironing pretty much everything
Mending clothes/making your own clothes for the family
Walking to market daily
Baking your own bread
Making your own butter
Drawing water from a well (indoor plumbing was a luxury back then)
Cooking everything from scratch
Growing your own vegetables
Canning your own vegetables
And if you lived on a farm...add farm chores


Life has changed drastically since the late 1800's. Mothers who actually have time to go onto BB's to complain are a new invention. Mother's of yesteryear didn't have time to log on or hover over their kids. They were too busy running a household. We are very fortunate to have been born in a time with refrigerators and freezers, super markets that sell all kinds of things mom used to have to make, cars, no wax floors, permanent press fabrics, washers and dryers, clothes cheap enough to be replaced instead of mended, no stick cookware, dishwashers, paper towels....etc, etc, etc... That we have time to go onto BB's and complain actually speaks of the free time we have.
They also had more kids at home who were expected to pitch in as well, so it sort of balances out some. I'm not saying that women back then didn't engage in more house work. However, the view that they were essentially house slaves without an ounce of free time isn't all that accurate either.
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