Dealing with mommy guilt and stress (daycare, out of control, mother-in-law, games)
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As a mom, grandma and former counselor, I agree with the others. If you don't take time for yourself, you won't be there fully for your kids and husband. The Y is an excellent place for kids and it will free you up to pursue some interests of your own. Take a class at your community college, join a bowling league, volunteer at a nursing home or hospital, there are a million things you can do. My own remedy was, believe it or not, do for others and you will be filled up. A day of shopping with a mani/pedi doesn't hurt either. It does get easier as the kids get older if you don't become a soccer mom.
WHY do I feel as if I don't deserve to take care of myself? I want to be the best mother I can be and I know that I can't do that if I'm feeling stressed and resentful. It's a catch-22 and I hate it.
That's something to work out in therapy. Some of it is a choice you make. You are feeling peer pressure, it sounds like, comparing yourself to *some* mommy standard that you got from SOMEwhere.
Is your husband THAT "hands off," or is he only talking about your time alone with the kids during the day?
So far, this has been a very hard summer for me. I am a SAHM with 2 children under the age of 5 and it has been HARD- and not only for me but for my husband, too. I am with our kids all day, every day, and throughout the night when they want me. I don't have a babysitter with the exception of my MIL and that's sporadic at best. I have told myself and my husband that I need to find us a reliable babysitter but I'm having a VERY hard time trusting someone who isn't part of our family to watch our children. So, I don't get any relief from our kids and my patience is wearing thin. I have a list of crafts that we're going through (I made a lemonade stand with them the other day, great Pinterest project) but it's hard to keep both of them entertained all day, every day. I only allow them to watch an hour of TV per day so that's out. They are just so used to being with me and they follow me all around the house getting under my feet while I'm trying to clean, do laundry, cook, etc. It's driving me nuts! Keeping the house in order is important to me, it makes me feel better and more efficient but it also is a ton of work while taking care of 2 small kids who need constant attention, touch, listening, etc.
I feel guilty for even thinking about taking time to myself and the times that I have gone out without them I end up rushing back so I don't "burden" the person watching them, and that includes my DH. Which brings me to another point: my husband began a new job last month and it's been a big adjustment for the 2 of us. He's up a lot earlier most of the time and goes to bed a lot earlier, too. He's one of those people who HAS to sleep as much as he can or else he can't function, so he's in bed by 8:30 pretty much every night and up at anywhere from 3:30-5AM. I totally understand his need to sleep in order to do his job and do it well (he takes a lot of pride in his work and strives to be the best) but his schedule has cut out any alone time that we have together as a couple. Our kids are in bed by 8-8:30, so, as you can guess, by the time we get them down for the night, my DH heads to bed himself and we haven't had any time alone.
I am overwhelmed and pissed off and just a bunch of "blah". What should I do?
On behalf of your children's future teachers, please stop trying to entertain them all day, every day. They come to school expecting to be entertained all day, every day. It is OK for kids to entertain themselves. It is ok for them to use their imaginations. Buy blocks or something they can play with by themselves and let them have at it. Let them play in the back yard by themselves (just keep the gate closed). You are exhausted because you are a hover mom. Constantly hovering over your children. You need breathing room and so do they.
I belong to my local chapter of MOMS Club and while it has been great in some aspects, it's also been bumpy a lot, too, with our former leader (we have elected positions) making a mess of the club in several ways. She's gone now, though, so the club is getting back on its feet. We do have play dates scheduled- for example, we're going to a local museum this Friday- but since we're such a small group (there are only 5 of us) it seems to be easy to have plans fall through a lot and then things get cancelled, etc.
I have a ton of art supplies, play-doh, paints, glue (although my DH has banned glitter from the house, lol) and they love to color and paint, and we'll have some funny talks while they're crafting. And they like to go outside and play in the garden and such and have water fights with the hose. It's still hard, though, as their attention spans are pretty short and they want to go and rush off to the next thing.
The idea of a mother's helper is something that really intrigues me, as it would allow me to get a break now and then and still be able to be here. My DH told me tonight that I HAVE to take the initiative and do things for myself and not allow things to get to such a low point. He's right and even though I agree and KNOW it, I still can't seem to wrap my head around doing such things without feeling guilty. WHY do I feel as if I don't deserve to take care of myself? I want to be the best mother I can be and I know that I can't do that if I'm feeling stressed and resentful. It's a catch-22 and I hate it.
What is your justification for SAH? I'm asking because I think this is the root of your problem. If you justified SAH because you wanted to spend every minute with your kids then a baby sitter so you can get a break or a mother's helper defeats that purpose. It is the WRONG purpose. You do not need to spend every moment with your kids to be a good mother. Are you sacrificing financially so you can SAH? If so accepting that you don't need to spend every moment with your kids means that that sacrifice is unnecessary.
I think the root of your problem lies in your reasons for SAH and somehow taking time for yourself negates those reasons. I had a sister like you who ran herself ragged entertaining her kids, volunteering at school, you name it because her view of SAH was mom was there ALL THE TIME. To admit that mom can walk away for a while and the world doesn't fall apart would have eliminated the need to sacrifice financially to SAH. If mom can use a mother's helper, why not a day care provider and get a job? I don't know if you need one or not. I'm just throwing things out there. I've seen more than one SAHM run themselves ragged not because they needed to but because they needed to prove to themselves that SAH was NECESSARY. That it was not possible to do what, in their minds, needed to be done if mom wasn't there ALL THE TIME.
Examine your reasons for SAH. I think you'll find the answer as to why you feel guilty taking time for yourself there.
On behalf of your children's future teachers, please stop trying to entertain them all day, every day. They come to school expecting to be entertained all day, every day. It is OK for kids to entertain themselves. It is ok for them to use their imaginations. Buy blocks or something they can play with by themselves and let them have at it. Let them play in the back yard by themselves (just keep the gate closed). You are exhausted because you are a hover mom. Constantly hovering over your children. You need breathing room and so do they.
This is a VERY good point.
Moms are not supposed to be like cruise directors. A very important part of growing up is FREE time to do as you wish, and you are not supposed to LEAD your kids through activities every second of the day.
They should have time when they are just on their own in a safe environment, making it up as they go, using their imaginations, learning how to trust their own decisions.
My kids are 1 and 4. I love leaving them with daycare (and when I was a SAHM, grandparents, my sister, even elderly neighbors). Children have so much to learn from others. It is a shame when their chances of outside views and experiences are so limited by parents.
It is absolutely perfectly natural to have those times when you want to scream if you hear "Mooooommy" one more time. You are not a bad mom.
Your children are probably old enough to start "helping" you with the chores. By age 2, my girls loved to "dust". At the same age, I bought my son a toy vacuum cleaner. He would clean one side of the living room while I did the other, and then we'd swap. At 3, they learned how to fold washcloths (and started on towels) and sort and put away their own clothes in drawers. By 4, they were trying out the mop (with supervision) and could put away the silverware, feed the dog, and water the plants. The chores may have taken a little bit longer, but the kids were learning AND they weren't bothering me because they felt useful.
I do HIGHLY encourage you to get out of the house, both on your own and with your H. When I divorced, my kids were 15 months and 4 years old. My therapist told me sternly that I had to get out of the house and do things on my own, that my children needed to see that Mom was healthy and that Mom had a life outside of them. Otherwise I was teaching my children that a woman's sole purpose in life is her children, and that would set them up for relationship difficulties of their own in the future. She was right.
Even though I worked full time, it didn't harm my kids if I went to the gym for 90 minutes once a week. I felt SOOOO good to be on my own, to exercise. It didn't harm my kids to spend one night a week at their dad's house - and for your kids, it's THEIR house and their normal routine. Give your H a chance to be a dad without you hovering. He can take the kids for dad time (either together or one-on-one) while you either get one-on-one time with the other child or get you time.
Find a babysitter. I cannot stress enough how important this is. Ask your friends for recommendations. Find a reputable day care and ask THEM for recommendations (often a day care teacher will babysit at night). If there is a community college that offers a childcare degree, ask them for recommendations.
You spend all day with your children. If you take one night a week to have a date with your husband, and one night a week just for yourself, you STILL get more time with your kids than most mothers who work outside the home.
Oh and HOW I remember those days! I couldn't wait until hubby walked through the door at the end of his work day so I could hand him the baby and go soak in the bath with the door locked. My husband worked long hours, we lived in an isolated area in the country and I was alone with the kids all day, many many days. It is a very difficult time you're going through, you are tired all the time, and you feel like you have no life left. There IS an end to the tunnel honey
As the old cliche' goes though, "enjoy them when they're young."
Teenagers are a whole lot more trying on your patience and sanity, believe ME.
Here are some suggestions:
-Ask a friend or other mothers in the neighborhood who they use and see if they'd mind if you used her too.
-Ask a teacher at a nearby school which grade 8 student she would recommend as a sitter, then check out his/her facebook page to see if she/he is polite and not posting nasties online.
-As others have suggested, try the YMCA daycare.
Ask mothers (in their 40's that you know and trust) if they have a responsible teenager who would like to babysit.
Good luck and life is good! Too many people are childless and depressed about it.
Can you trade off child care with some of the mom's in your mom group? You watch someone's kids two afternoons a week and they watch yours two afternoons? It would be cheaper than daycare, if cost is a concern.
Also, why the huge fear of strangers babysitting? Statistics show that something like 95% of kids who are harmed are in the care of parents or relatives. Find someone who babysits for friends and leave the kids with her.
Even if your husband goes to bed early most nights, you can still take a night off together when he doesn't have to work the next day. Get a sitter through a friend and go out to dinner with your husband.
As far as feeling guilty, remember that kids thrive when their parents are happy. Nurturing yourself and your marriage will make you a better parent. Also, it will be good for the kids to go to a Mother's Day Out program or to a friend's house for the afternoon. Being around other people will help them learn social skills and to be a little more independent.
Do I need to sing the Frozen song to you? Let it go.
I'm a sahm too and while my kids are older now I remember those days. Here's my advice.
1) teach your kids to entertain themselves. This is difficult at first but if you sit outside and watch but don't entertain them, give them a box of crafts to do but don't manage it, or tell them to "go play in your room," they will. You have to accept that the price of this is some initial whining and a constant mess. Grab a book and refuse to be the camp director.
2) get a babysitter. Babysitters aren't the devil, they are awesome. Just cause you sah doesn't mean you don't get a break. Plan date nights with your husband, plan a time to get your hair and nails done and get over your sitter fears.
3) stop trying to make stay at home parenting into a job. It's a different thing and you're not required to be awesome at it all the time. Your job is to be around, keep them safe, and enjoy them...if you can't do that go get a full time job.
4) If you need to let your kids watch six Dora episodes in a row one day...no one will die.
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