Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Thank you for everyone input. I met with the counselor that I selected for my daughter. It was suggested that I go myself to learn how to better deal with her in the list effective way... Also it would appear to my daughter that this is my my therapist and my daughter is meeting therapist for MY benefit she may be more open to the idea...
So a couple of weeks had gone by and as a poster suggested time out seemed to help...
She is back to seeing me and in fact is leaning toward spending even more time with me because she is not liking the rules at his house.
He asked me to continue the same rules at my house to that we have consistency
I believe he just wants to make sure that she doesn't get fed up with him and his house as she did to mine.
I have to admit that I'm reluctant to go slog with this since when I asked his assistance when I was having difficulty he flat out refused and basically said it was MY problem since he had no problems... HIS relationship with HIS DAUGHTER was fine...
So of course here comes the manipulation trick....
My daughter and I went out of town to visit with my family… When it was time for us to return to our city she informed me that her cousin my niece would be accompany her to her dads house.
When I question who had set this up she informed me that her dad suggested it.
He suggested that my knees go an hours drive away to spend the night with him and my daughter and he never talk to my sister my nieces parent nor my grandmother who would be taking care of my niece nor myself... No consideration who would be driving her back to the house or if it would be okay with her parents just put it out there
So when I said that was probably not a good ideal it's something that we need to plan for not just a last minute literally last minute spur of the moment thing.... My daughter became upset and now looks at it as if I am the one who ruined everything
My thought is if he was responsible he would speak to an adult before he talk to the children.
So my thought is this was just a set up to cause my daughter to be irritated with me once again and drive over wedge between us..... I guess I was making some inroads with her and he felt insecure so he fix that!
Your daughter is 14. Unless, she is incredible immature she had to realize that you could not just "kidnap" her cousin (take the niece back to another city without permission) without having it OKed in advance by her parents, and whoever she would be staying with (her dad) and had arrangements in place for her to be returned to her home (an hours drive away).
Your daughter may have appeared to be upset at you but she must have realized that it was not your fault. Heck, did she think that she & her father were just going to tell the 10 year old cousin "Good bye" in the morning, push her out the front door and expect her to walk home or hitchhike home?
PS. If your ex expected you to drive the niece to his house then you had to get involved.
If the ex set up a sleepover on his own, called your sister, got permission from the niece and her parents, drove to the other city to pick up your niece, supervised the niece appropriately during the sleepover and then drove her to her home (an hour's drive away), you would not need to be involved. If your daughter complains to you about what happened you can just suggest that Dad can arrange the sleepover if it will be at his house.
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-18-2014 at 10:03 PM..
Reason: added PS
My niece is 10... Not a teen. My X was not very close to my family.... He seldom went to family gatherings and would consistently call after a couple of hours to complain about how long I was gone until just to stop the complaining I would leave my family gathering early after arriving do late in the afternoon. So thru the years there was resentment on my family's side .... And he knew this and didn't really care... So to suggest that my 10 of niece do a sleep over without me present.... Seems a bit strange. Especially since the entire time I was married my niece NEVER not one time did a sleep over and in fact only visited my home with other family maybe a total if 5 times.... Out of 10 years...
Just very unusual.
You need to let go and back off. You don't own your side of family because they are your daughter's family too. It's really strange that you don't feel it's appropriate for your niece to stay at your husband's house to sleep over with her cousin. If your niece's parents feel that way, it's their responsibility to communicate with your daughter and your ex about it. You need to get out of the middle.
You think he did this to manipulate you into upsetting your daughter Well, the solution is easy. Stop being manipulated by getting upset by things he does. Make your daughter be in charge of arranging details of sleepovers without you being in charge. If she says you need to pick up so and so, hand her the cell phone and tell her to call to ask if it's okay. Then it's between her and her cousin or the cousin's parents, and it's not between you and your daughter.
Your daughter is 14. Unless, she is incredible immature she had to realize that you could not just "kidnap" her cousin (take the niece back to another city without permission) without having it OKed in advance by her parents, and whoever she would be staying with (her dad) and had arrangements in place for her to be returned to her home (an hours drive away).
Your daughter may have appeared to be upset at you but she must have realized that it was not your fault. Heck, did she think that she & her father were just going to tell the 10 year old cousin "Good bye" in the morning, push her out the front door and expect her to walk home or hitchhike home?
PS. If your ex expected you to drive the niece to his house then you had to get involved.
If the ex set up a sleepover on his own, called your sister, got permission from the niece and her parents, drove to the other city to pick up your niece, supervised the niece appropriately during the sleepover and then drove her to her home (an hour's drive away), you would not need to be involved. If your daughter complains to you about what happened you can just suggest that Dad can arrange the sleepover if it will be at his house.
The problem wasn't who was driving the cousin to the father's house. The OP and her daughter were already visiting family and were heading back to the father's house to drop off the OP's daughter. The OP would not have been going out of her way to drop the cousin off with her daughter. The problem is the OP interjected herself into worrying about how the cousin would get home the next day. That wasn't her business since the daughter and cousin would be at her ex's house. She doesn't need to question his carpooling plans for when her daughter is at his house. He has full physical custody, don't forget.
The problem wasn't who was driving the cousin to the father's house. The OP and her daughter were already visiting family and were heading back to the father's house to drop off the OP's daughter. The OP would not have been going out of her way to drop the cousin off with her daughter. The problem is the OP interjected herself into worrying about how the cousin would get home the next day. That wasn't her business since the daughter and cousin would be at her ex's house. She doesn't need to question his carpooling plans for when her daughter is at his house. He has full physical custody, don't forget.
Perhaps, we are different but I would not transport a 10 year old child in my car, especially to someone else's house an hours drive away, unless I knew 100% for sure that permission was given by her parents for me to drive her to that other house. It sounded like a plan between the ex & his daughter and the 10 year old's parents had not been involved.
It is true that it should be up to the Dad to make sure that the niece got home OK, perhaps I incorrectly "read between the lines" but I had the impression that the the OP thought that her ex was going to expect her to make the two hour trip to take her niece back to the niece's hometown the next day.
Perhaps, we are different but I would not transport a 10 year old child in my car, especially to someone else's house an hours drive away, unless I knew 100% for sure that permission was given by her parents for me to drive her to that other house. It sounded like a plan between the ex & his daughter and the 10 year old's parents had not been involved.
How on earth do you think this transport would happen without the parents' blessing? She's picking up the niece at her parent's house. These are her relatives, I'm certain they'd have a conversation and chit chat before she leaves with their daughter.
The OP's main issue was worrying about who was driving the child home the next day. That's between her ex and the child's parents, and it has zero to do with who is driving the child to the ex's house. It's fine for her to double check the plans to go to the house, but how the child is getting back home is between her ex and the niece's parents.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
It is true that it should be up to the Dad to make sure that the niece got home OK, perhaps I incorrectly "read between the lines" but I had the impression that the the OP thought that her ex was going to expect her to make the two hour trip to take her niece back to the niece's hometown the next day.
It seems the OP's didn't know who was driving, and she was worried she would be the one expected to do it, but that wouldn't be her responsibility because her ex has full custody and she doesn't even live there anymore. She's newly divorced and still operating as if she's married to the ex and has to control and be involved in every aspect of the arrangements he makes when she was only asked to bring the cousin and drop her off. The rest is not her problem. She needs to learn how to back away and be an ex-spouse, not a spouse.
Go to the Father and talk to him. If he doesn't make the effort to allow you visitations then he will be in contempt of court.
Didn't read every reply, but this sounds right. Maybe he can explain to the daughter that her mom is trying to be involved in her life and how important this relationship can be to both of them.
P.S. - not sure if it's happening, but don't let your daughter play you. I've seen some kids that constantly try to side with one parent when the other has a rule they don't like...this goes back and forth every time they get pissed at one of the parents. It sometimes results in one parent trying to be the good guy and letting them do what they want (thus they spend all if their time with that parent).
Last edited by eddiehaskell; 08-18-2014 at 11:25 PM..
Thank you for everyone input. I met with the counselor that I selected for my daughter. It was suggested that I go myself to learn how to better deal with her in the list effective way... Also it would appear to my daughter that this is my my therapist and my daughter is meeting therapist for MY benefit she may be more open to the idea...
So a couple of weeks had gone by and as a poster suggested time out seemed to help...
She is back to seeing me and in fact is leaning toward spending even more time with me because she is not liking the rules at his house.
He asked me to continue the same rules at my house to that we have consistency
I believe he just wants to make sure that she doesn't get fed up with him and his house as she did to mine.
I have to admit that I'm reluctant to go slog with this since when I asked his assistance when I was having difficulty he flat out refused and basically said it was MY problem since he had no problems... HIS relationship with HIS DAUGHTER was fine...
So of course here comes the manipulation trick....
My daughter and I went out of town to visit with my family…
When it was time for us to return to our city she informed me that her cousin my niece would be accompany her to her dads house.
When I question who had set this up she informed me that her dad suggested it.
He suggested that my knees go an hours drive away to spend the night with him and my daughter and he never talk to my sister my nieces parent nor my grandmother who would be taking care of my niece nor myself...
No consideration who would be driving her back to the house or if it would be okay with her parents just put it out there
So when I said that was probably not a good ideal it's something that we need to plan for not just a last minute literally last minute spur of the moment thing.... My daughter became upset and now looks at it as if I am the one who ruined everything
My thought is if he was responsible he would speak to an adult before he talk to the children.
So my thought is this was just a set up to cause my daughter to be irritated with me once again and drive over wedge between us..... I guess I was making some inroads with her and he felt insecure so he fix that!
How about both you and her father grow up and begin acting like adults and see how that works for this child. OMG
I guess I wasn't clear about things... my family is afraid of my ex. They expressed fear for me all the time during marriage and divorce. My mother when visiting me while I had surgery last year cut her visit short because she was afraid. He has loud and angry outburst at times for little provocation.... one of the reasons I am now divorced.
He absolutely manipulates situations to make me appear bad to my daughter... she is all he has left. His own family disowned last year, around the same time I filed for divorce. And I keep in contact with his mother, and sister and they were reluctant to go to a funeral for fear that he would show up.
It is true my daughter spends more time at his house... but we have 50/50 joint and legal custody. It is in my final divorce papers.. by emotionally charging the situation and manipulating.. like this stunt this weekend he is circumventing the legal divorce order... I just never anticipated that my daughter would turn this way... she is 13/14 and a daddy's girl.
I absolutely want my daughter to contact with me and my family. Spend LOTS OF MONEY AND TIME IN COURT to make sure that I didn't lose full custody... When he told me he didn't care if I got full custody as long as he got the money I knew then that I really didn't know him.
Instead of encouraging my daughter to go away to college he tells discourages... tells her we can't afford for her to go to school. I am telling her to go, we will get student loans.. and I will take out loans as well. I just want the best for her... he tells her we can't afford it.... Fact is when she is 18 and out of the house the HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS THAT I GIVE TO HIM MONTH AFTER MONTH WILL easily cover her school tuition.
My X is one of those people who will get out of his car and kick a$$ because you cut him off in traffic. I've seen him do it at least 3 times during my time with him. He has anger management problems and is increasingly unstable. Like most people with mental health issues he is able to conceal it most of the time. Our attorneys got a glimpse of this negative side... he is his parents ONLY SON and they has cut off ALL contact with him... as well as the rest of his family.
So for him to suggest without talking to adults first about my 10 year old niece doing a sleep over and he has had little contact... sorry... He has mood swings and is unpredictable. Sometimes he is nice... and sometimes he will tell you that the Bible teaches you that "I found 1 man righteous among a thousand... but for a woman, I found none righteous among them all..."
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
