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Old 08-10-2014, 01:00 PM
Location: IE CA.
643 posts, read 2,171,493 times
Reputation: 240


Originally Posted by beera View Post

One more thing to add, if she keeps the baby and they are jerks about everything, she should NOT tell him when she goes into labor (or anyone else), she should check in as private at the hospital, know her RIGHTS that his family and the sperm donor do not have to be at the hospital. They have no rights really when it come to the birth mother in the hospital (I know I'm about to have a baby and nobody is allowed to come with me but hubby- no matter how disappointed the rest of the family is that I've chosen to not make my birth a spectator sport). And yes there is a new law that passed recently that said the father has no rights in the hospital when a mom is giving birth. It really should only be her and her mom in the room when she goes into labor at this point anyways. Stress can cause labor complications, you don't want your step daughter stressed.

Good luck OP!
Thank you for making that point! Just because he is the bio Father does not give him the right to impose himself on the birth. For God sake if a man treated my daughter horribly for a yr I would not allow him in a room to watch a baby come out of her. That is so archaic. Many people allow it with no thought that this is a very private moment for many women.
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Old 08-10-2014, 07:40 PM
Location: Wandering in the Dothraki sea
1,342 posts, read 1,216,001 times
Reputation: 3227
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
I agree that no one should be forced into an abortion, even if the pregnant child's reason for not wanting to have an abortion is fear of the procedure being painful (as if childbirth weren't a hell of a lot more painful!) That's why we have legal consent laws in this country. No one will perform an abortion on a woman unless she consents to it, and signs for consent. However, a parent can bring a lot of pressure on a child - to stay in school, to study hard, to clean up her room, to help in the house. In the same way that a parent can say to a sixteen year old, "You are NOT getting in a car with that boy!, your wife can say to her, "There is no way in hell that you are going through the same thing that I went through. You're having an abortion, and then you're going on Depo until you're out on your own, and you're going to finish school and go to college or get a job, and then you'll move out on your own. And THEN, when you're totally self-supporting, and hopefully married to someone who also works, THEN if you want to have a baby, you will. And we'll be loving grandparents. But there is no way in hell that you are bringing a baby into this house, when I have had to make the decision that I and my husband cannot AFFORD to have a child together! And that's the end of it. I'm making an appointment at the clinic for you and we are going to it and you are having an abortion!"

Now, if the girl refuses to go to the clinic, or refuses to sign consent for the procedure, so be it. And if she decides to have the child, and refuses to give it up for adoption, so be it. The girl does have the ultimate say in this matter, even if mom pressures her. But if this is what happens, that mom allows her to bring home a baby for you two to raise, I would suggest that you get out of the marriage! Your wife should be telling her daughter in no uncertain terms, "It is NOT your right to have a baby while you are living at home! You are NOT doing this to me and my husband! That's what bothers me here - your wife didn't control this girl, didn't see that she was getting involved with a boy, and didn't get her on Depo. And now she is not telling her, "No way are you putting this stress on my marriage and my household! You will have an abortion or put the baby up for adoption and finish school." Essentially, your wife is just giving in, and allowing this girl to ruin your marriage. The girl has put your wife and you in a terrible position, and your wife is not stepping up to the plate for your marriage (or frankly, for her daughter's welfare, either).

If she does go through with the abortion, she will be FINE. She will be relieved, and forget about it almost immediately. Do not believe the BS line that women suffer psychologically after an abortion. Their body goes back to where it was before the pregnancy, and so does their mental state. If she was an immature, thoughtless teen, she will continue as such until she grows up. If she was mentally ill, she will continue as such. If she was a stable girl who "made a mistake", she will go back to the same stability. Those who claim that abortion harms women psychologically are the same people who preach that pregnancy (and disease) are god's rightful punishment for the terrible sin of having sex! Every legitimate study demonstrates that virtually all women who have abortions are relieved and go on with their lives. And if she goes on Depo there is no fear of her getting pregnant again to say, "So there! If you say I can't have a baby, I'll just go out and get pregnant again! This is by FAR the best option for your stepdaughter, your wife, you, and your entire family. An abortion is much easier to go through than continuing the pregnancy and giving up the baby for adoption. THAT DOES lead to lifelong psychological stress - where is the baby? Is it being well cared for? Did I make a mistake in giving it up? Will he/she come looking for me later on? Will he/she blame me? It is far more traumatic to continue the pregnancy, and then go through the pain of adoption, than to simply have an early abortion.

If your wife cannot exert her parental authority over her own child, then your marriage has no future. If this girl intends to bring home a baby for you and your wife to raise, and your wife cannot say no to her, what's to stop her from bringing home another within a year, and then another, and another? This is actually a very common scenario - many teen mothers get pregnant again very quickly. If your wife is going to allow her to bring that baby home, then you should get out of there. Don't waste your precious youth (and you are still young - many men don't marry and have kids until your age) with a woman who has no authority over her out of control teenage daughter, to the point that she will stick you with raising her daughter's baby, when she and you have decided that you cannot afford to have a child together. You have no obligation to support your wife's children, and if it's a recent marriage, probably no obligation to support her, either. You don't have a parenting problem. You have a marital problem, in that your wife thinks that it is acceptable for her 16 year old daughter to stick you with raising her child. Get out of there, separate your finances from hers, and forget about her. You have a brighter future without this woman, who wants you to raise her teen's baby, instead of your own with her.

Spot on. Wife needs to put her foot down, NOW, before the situation continues to snowball out of control. That's the unfortunate reality--if your marriage is going to survive, your wife MUST assert her parental role and pressure her daughter to do the right thing for everyone and put off having children.
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Old 08-10-2014, 08:24 PM
421 posts, read 450,436 times
Reputation: 390
Originally Posted by Sad-Dad View Post
I'm still here guys and I've noticed there's about 7-8 pages of replies since my last post. I have not read all of the posts yet...I know there's a bunch of questions that where asked so I will try to go back and answer them.

After my last post I went for a walk just to clear my head and try to come into sense as this has hit us really hard. I thought long and hard and couldn't help but to let the tears release out of my eyes. I'm not going to go into details but my life was never a walk on the park as a child so I had to grow up quick and help my mother feed my brothers. I have a son from a previous marriage that lives with me half the year since I refuse to let him down and have him struggle in life like I did no matter of how much his mother complains and didn't want me in his life since child support was more important to her than my son having me around. I read a lot of posts here and some of you did say that my wife should leave me and that I'm being selfish which in reality I must admit that I was since I was thinking of me instead of all of us.

As I wiped the tears away my 8 year old son called me to find when I was picking him up today and to tell me that he has been behaving good, doing his summer reading and that he cannot wait to spend some time with me. At the end of our conversation he always tells me "i love you dad" but this time the "I love you dad" coming from him hit me deep down like never before. As the water works started pouring I came to realize that life defintiley hasn't stopped throwing me curve balls but I have always managed.... My wife and I surely have had our discussions in the past but we always come to our senses and we never had gone to bed angry at each other. I really do have a wonderful wife which I love and not only do I love my wife but i also remembered that i truly love her daughter as if she was my own since I once went through 4 firefighters 1 policeman just to get to the drunk driver that T boned my family which is a long story. Having a baby is easy but being worth called a mother or father requires a lot and I was not being a father which is something that I told myself that I would never stop being.

I failed my wife by not supporting her and being there for her these last couple of days and this hurts me knowing that I actually failed her and didn't realize that "better or worse" vows taken meant more than just her. We are a family and I'm a man so I realized that her "worse" is now so I need to be there for my family and just like I refuse to let my son down I refuse to let my daughter down as she needs me also. I cannot guarantee that things will be peaches and cream and that I'm a fully changed man but I'm a better man today than I was yesterday. I'm sure life isn't going to stop throwing me those damn curb balls but I have a team by my side to help me/us overcome anything like we have overcome in the past.

If my daughter (I've always hated calling them step kids) wants to keep her baby or give it up I will respect her decision as she is no longer a child and as much as I am against the whole baby thing I will try my hardest to fully support her and my wife and not be a pos and walk out on them. I hope that one day whthe special kind of "I love you" I got from my son will mean everything to my daughter when her baby tells her the same. There will defintiley be rules for as long as she lives under our roof and she still needs to bring home a diploma regardless of how hard it is going to be. I wouldn't know where to start by telling her to be prepared to be raising her baby without the dad being there but I guess between my wife and I we will figure something out. I can pray that this little f-tard really steps up and helps her bit we have been waiting for 2 days to hear from his parents and so far no one has bothered to call us so it doesn't look promising. I've always said that by 24 years of age our kids should be educated enough to have a decent job and take on the world but in this case if my daughter chooses to have her baby she would defintiley have to do everything possible to be out of the house sooner and raise her family. I won't be putting her out at 18 but I need her to understand that she chose to start a family therefore she would need to be on her own a lot sooner than at the age of 24.

My wife slept better last night as I told her that I will support her so now I will have to show her my support but wish me luck as I go home today and set the rules and talk to my daughter.
Beautiful post, brought tears to my eyes. You are not an evil guy, or a bad dad. This is huge, and people often react badly to this news. Hey, you had a moment but it sounds like you made amends and are committed to supporting your family. That's all you can do.

I can promise if one of my teens had come home preg or gotten a girl preg, I would have lost it for a good week before being able to see clearly through the emotions. You are doing well...and it sounds like you guys will get through this.

I think a family therapist would help you all make plans and support all of you through this (I know you don't want to hurt your family, having help can help you avoid the pitfalls and help your daughter realistically plan for the future).

PS in future, laying down an ultimatum with a teen is just asking them to test it. I learned the hard way, but with drugs. I did follow through, but she was my niece and I let her finish the last month of hs before moving her out. Very different then a baby.
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Old 08-10-2014, 08:39 PM
Location: Midland, MI
504 posts, read 482,338 times
Reputation: 1077
I don't blame this guy for how he feels. He didn't sign up to have a small child and chances are the teenager is going to go back to her teenage life. Grandma and Grandpa are going to be stuck financially and emotionally with raising this baby. Our culture now accepts this so that the girl gets a fun baby shower and is excited about the baby. The birth father plays along, then when reality hits the girl (and parents) are stuck with all the work and responsibility. And adoption is seldom even considered unfortunately.

Last edited by hhwtm; 08-10-2014 at 08:48 PM.. Reason: Awright, I see the updates!
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Old 08-10-2014, 08:51 PM
421 posts, read 450,436 times
Reputation: 390
Reading a few posts, I saw a teenage friend forced to have an abortion by her mother. It changed her. She struggles with ptsd from it. She is 44 and has decided never to have a child.

I personally had a teen pregnancy. I miscarried. While there was no place in my life for a baby (I was very young, it was from abuse, I didn't have a safe home), I purposefully mistreated my body and the baby in severe ways hoping for a miscarriage. But when it set in, I have never let go totally of the guilt. And I am pro choice! When I was an adult I could get pregnant but kept miscarrying, I felt as if I deserved it.

I am 100% pro choice! but abortions, especially forced, esp in childhood does cause psychological damage.
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Old 08-10-2014, 10:11 PM
Location: Ohio
5,627 posts, read 4,668,374 times
Reputation: 6732
Would be nice if the OP would come back and comment.
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Old 08-10-2014, 10:34 PM
Location: Staten Island
1,653 posts, read 1,702,876 times
Reputation: 2353
Well the OP is in a tough spot. At the very least you were honest with your wife and that's all you can do at this point. As much as your wife says she loves you she is always going to put her kids before you and your Son.

You seem like a smart guy and can clearly see the writing in the wall. Cut ties and get out while you can. In reading your last post you say you would now support her and that is a mistake. You set clear rules and guidelines for your wife and children, which they agreed to. Now, her daughter broke those rules and now everyone want's you to compromise your beliefs to suit there needs. These people don't care about you. Run away as fast as you can.
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Old 08-10-2014, 11:24 PM
820 posts, read 944,146 times
Reputation: 1166
When shes 18 kick her out, and make her live on welfare. Why should you have to pay for a 16 year old's kid? Its enabling situations like this that cause these teen mom epidemics. Its so a shame for the baby because their parent is a failure. Perhaps you could divorce your wife, and not deal with the situation. Otherwise deal with it until the daughter can legally get government benefits, and send her off to section 8. I don't want other kids being born into a ****ty situation as such. Another less cynical option, is to give the baby to a kind loving rich family who can't have kids of their own. Its so sad when people try to raise kids with insufficient resources, and have no education.
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Old 08-11-2014, 12:01 AM
Location: 60630
11,712 posts, read 17,114,087 times
Reputation: 10824
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
You didn't raise this girl from early childhood. She's not your daughter. She's a fairly recently acquired stepdaughter. You are still very much of the age to be having more children. Your wife is still of an age to have more children. Yet you both decided, sensibly, that you couldn't afford the stress and expense of another child, so you have avoided getting pregnant together. Meanwhile, your wife's daughter, whom you did not raise, has gotten pregnant. And now you're going to wind up paying to raise the daughter's child with the POS teen father whose attitude is that a lifetime on welfare is just fine.

By far, the best thing would be for her to have an abortion. Even if she were to say that she intends to give the baby up for adoption, she won't, when it comes time to do it. If she doesn't have an abortion, you should consider getting a divorce. This girl and her baby will probably be a drain on you for the next five years or more. Even once she is 18, she is not going to be ready to move out, even on welfare.

This is not your child. This is not your grandchild. You are young. There are many, many women out there who would be thrilled to have a husband like you who works, saves, plans. Women who don't have children yet who would want to have a baby with you - YOUR baby with you.

Why wasn't this girl on Depo? Her mother knows all about the reality of teen sexual activity - she was a teen mom herself! She had to have had some idea that her daughter had a boyfriend! Merely talking about birth control isn't enough. Sometimes buying the birth control pills isn't enough. Unless the parent sees the girl actually swallowing the pill every day, which is really unrealistic, there's no way to be sure a girl is taking the pill. Depo is really the only effective way that a parent can be sure that a teen girl who is sexually active is not going to get pregnant.
Great answer
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Old 08-11-2014, 07:15 AM
3,368 posts, read 3,290,170 times
Reputation: 8638
I see that the op related that stepd decided on an abortion. Trust me, that is by far the best possible outcome in this situation. Your wife should call and schedule it today! Get it done asap, before she is farther along. And insist that she get the first depo at the time of procedure, then keep her on it until she is out on her own. There is an implantable version too that she could have done if she tolerates depo. These methods are extremely effective with virtually no failure rate, and NO risk of user "forgetting" them. Dont be scared off by possible weight gain or blood clots. The weight gain and risk of bloos clots from pregnancy is many, many times higher!
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