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Old 08-19-2014, 07:18 AM
 
15,745 posts, read 13,176,204 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad-Dad View Post
I'm still here trying to keep up with all 25 pages!! I apologize for not commenting any sooner as I have been very busy at home and especially at work since I let my duties pile up for a week+. As for updates my daughter did go through and got an abortion, although they don't consider it an abortion at her pregnancy stage. She was given a pill or two to get rid of it at plan parenthood and then she has to go back early next week to make sure it was effective. If the pill doesn't work then they will go in there and pretty much suck it out! Please excuse my terminology but it's the best way I can explain it.

Things at home are somewhat slowly going back to normal, my wife and I spent almost a whole day together fishing (I asked her to leave her phone in our truck and so did I) which was something she never did before and had fun doing so. I must admit she actually reeled in more fish than I did but what matter the most is that we had a very good time without our phones just the two of us. We both needed a break and still could use more days like that. I never once brought up the pregnancy subject that day but I did try to get her to keep me informed of what is going on instead of keeping things from me and later telling me about it. I also hit a nerve or two the other day when I told her that her daughter isn't respecting her and doesn't trust her as in the past she has done things and wouldn't tell her mom but would talk to her friends mom about it. I'm not sure if my wife understood me as I really wasn't trying to spark anything but just to try to get her to realize that she might be in denial and that she no longer has a baby for a daughter.

Yesterday my wife told me that her daughter asked her if she could go over the boys house and I said toy wife that I don't think it's a good idea right now as the dust is still settling and she should be on that birth control thing that wouldn't allow her to conceive for 5 years or so...again sorry for my terminology. If I didn't mention before we found out that that every time our daughter would go over to this boys house they where left alone in the apartment even though my wife told the boys mother that they are not to be left alone and they where having alot of sex that my daughter couldn't remember how many times she did it. I was always opposed that my daughter went over this boys house almost 3-5 times a week but her mom seemed to be in denial. My daughter isn't really speaking to me but was I wrong to suggest she doesn't go over until she's on birth control?

Things are still ok at home between my wife and I but she seems to have a fit or I seem to struck a nerve when I try parenting her kids.
What birth control your stepdaughter uses is between her and her doctor, and you should stay out of it at every level as it isn't your business and you don't have the information necessary to give any suggestions.

For example you are recommending an IUD ( the only 5 year contraceptive) to a teen. They are only recently beginning to recommend them to a small subset of teens and they have very serious drawbacks which may or may not be right for this particular teen. So leave it to the doctor and maybe her parent to discuss instead of giving "suggestions".
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Old 08-19-2014, 07:43 AM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 13,766,418 times
Reputation: 4539
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad-Dad View Post
I'm still here trying to keep up with all 25 pages!! I apologize for not commenting any sooner as I have been very busy at home and especially at work since I let my duties pile up for a week+. As for updates my daughter did go through and got an abortion, although they don't consider it an abortion at her pregnancy stage. She was given a pill or two to get rid of it at plan parenthood and then she has to go back early next week to make sure it was effective. If the pill doesn't work then they will go in there and pretty much suck it out! Please excuse my terminology but it's the best way I can explain it.

Things at home are somewhat slowly going back to normal, my wife and I spent almost a whole day together fishing (I asked her to leave her phone in our truck and so did I) which was something she never did before and had fun doing so. I must admit she actually reeled in more fish than I did but what matter the most is that we had a very good time without our phones just the two of us. We both needed a break and still could use more days like that. I never once brought up the pregnancy subject that day but I did try to get her to keep me informed of what is going on instead of keeping things from me and later telling me about it. I also hit a nerve or two the other day when I told her that her daughter isn't respecting her and doesn't trust her as in the past she has done things and wouldn't tell her mom but would talk to her friends mom about it. I'm not sure if my wife understood me as I really wasn't trying to spark anything but just to try to get her to realize that she might be in denial and that she no longer has a baby for a daughter.

Yesterday my wife told me that her daughter asked her if she could go over the boys house and I said toy wife that I don't think it's a good idea right now as the dust is still settling and she should be on that birth control thing that wouldn't allow her to conceive for 5 years or so...again sorry for my terminology. If I didn't mention before we found out that that every time our daughter would go over to this boys house they where left alone in the apartment even though my wife told the boys mother that they are not to be left alone and they where having alot of sex that my daughter couldn't remember how many times she did it. I was always opposed that my daughter went over this boys house almost 3-5 times a week but her mom seemed to be in denial. My daughter isn't really speaking to me but was I wrong to suggest she doesn't go over until she's on birth control?

Things are still ok at home between my wife and I but she seems to have a fit or I seem to struck a nerve when I try parenting her kids.
She's not your daughter. If she was, you (at least probably) wouldn't have the attitude you do. Of course you've struck a nerve.
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Old 08-19-2014, 07:53 AM
 
17 posts, read 26,454 times
Reputation: 99
I seem to be lost as some have said I'm the only acting male figure in her life therefore I should act like a "parent" and others are saying I'm not a parent so I should not get involved.....

I'm the one roofing them and taking care of them and I like to think as a father figure so is it ok for me to do everything a father does for these kids but I'm not entitled to act as a parent? Could that be how my wife sees me also?
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Old 08-19-2014, 08:24 AM
 
15,192 posts, read 16,044,725 times
Reputation: 25096
Sad-Dad, I think it's time for a lot of open communication in your household. I agree that your daughter needs to be on reliable birth control but you are probably not in a position to bring it up. Your wife, however, could discuss that with your daughter and help her obtain it.

I agree that you're in a tough spot. In some ways you have assumed the role of parent, but in other ways your efforts to parent have been rebuffed. It's all about communications and having everyone understand each other's expectations. Not easy, but something you need to work toward.
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Old 08-19-2014, 09:06 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,487 posts, read 15,923,785 times
Reputation: 38796
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
Sad-Dad, I think it's time for a lot of open communication in your household. I agree that your daughter needs to be on reliable birth control but you are probably not in a position to bring it up. Your wife, however, could discuss that with your daughter and help her obtain it.

I agree that you're in a tough spot. In some ways you have assumed the role of parent, but in other ways your efforts to parent have been rebuffed. It's all about communications and having everyone understand each other's expectations. Not easy, but something you need to work toward.
Thank you Sad-dad for the update.

Marlow has some very good points.

IMHO, it would be a very long time before I would trust her BF or his parents. If they told your wife that they did not leave their son and your daughter alone in their home and then did that again and again, I would not trust them to provide adequate supervision. Of course, teens that want to have sex, find places to have sex but you don't have to make it easy for them to do it right in your own home (like his parents did).

Good luck to you and your family.
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Old 08-19-2014, 03:38 PM
 
Location: Nassau, Long Island, NY
16,416 posts, read 27,935,383 times
Reputation: 7249
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad-Dad View Post
I seem to be lost as some have said I'm the only acting male figure in her life therefore I should act like a "parent" and others are saying I'm not a parent so I should not get involved.....

I'm the one roofing them and taking care of them and I like to think as a father figure so is it ok for me to do everything a father does for these kids but I'm not entitled to act as a parent? Could that be how my wife sees me also?
Well you can see what kind of total hypocrites are answering your questions on here. They say one thing in some posts and then say the exact opposite in other posts. Useless know-it-alls and attention seekers. Feel free to ignore them. (I do! When I get to the point that I realize they will never make sense, I just have to let them go because they are in their own little world where they are always right and they do not wish to learn something new, but to "hammer" everyone with their own intractable opinions!)

As per the birth control for the daughter, that should be a NO NEGOTIATION ISSUE, including using birth control that is EXTREMELY reliable like depo shots or implant ... not using "condoms" or "the pill," which require diligence and a responsible mindset.

Once a girl gets sexually active to the point she had to have an abortion, she is NOT going to go back to acting like a virgin and since she is underage and cannot support a child herself, she needs to listen to her parents. She's a kid playing adult and needs to have limits put on her at least in regards to the potential consequences of her actions (which can be much more than getting pregnant ... how about getting HIV, etc.). Just the fact that she wants to go and hang out with this guy who got her pregnant (and, along with his questionable family, stalked her and harassed her about it) shows she is not mentally mature enough to be given free reign out there in life yet.

Perhaps this is not a subject you, yourself should broach with the daughter, but you should talk to your wife in private about it and make sure you two are on the same page here. Then, if she agrees with you that the daughter should be on reliable birth control, her mother should broach the subject with her and take her to the doctor.

As for the second thing I bolded, I am a bit concerned that you don't seem to know how your wife sees you. If it turns out your wife does not agree with you about reliable birth control, that's a bad sign. Also there will be more of the same trouble for you to go through in the future with this girl, which nobody needs. It's over and it should stay over ... until this girl is of an adult age and has the independence and means to take care of a child if she wants to choose to get pregnant.

Reliable and reasonably priced birth control is widely available in this country and there is absolutely no excuse for further irresponsible reproductive behavior on the part of this girl when her mom can help her in this regard. I wish you the best in dealing with this matter!
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Old 08-19-2014, 03:54 PM
 
Location: Nassau, Long Island, NY
16,416 posts, read 27,935,383 times
Reputation: 7249
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad-Dad View Post
I don't understand what would be so funny about having to raise a kid of mine and end up helping raise a grand kid at the same time....
I think she meant "funny" in the context of "weird, strange or unusual" ... not that it would be "ha ha" funny. Sometimes I have found that it's hard to get the gist of the written word as opposed to face to face communication.
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Old 08-19-2014, 06:05 PM
 
300 posts, read 321,699 times
Reputation: 218
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad-Dad View Post
I'm still here trying to keep up with all 25 pages!! I apologize for not commenting any sooner as I have been very busy at home and especially at work since I let my duties pile up for a week+. As for updates my daughter did go through and got an abortion, although they don't consider it an abortion at her pregnancy stage. She was given a pill or two to get rid of it at plan parenthood and then she has to go back early next week to make sure it was effective. If the pill doesn't work then they will go in there and pretty much suck it out! Please excuse my terminology but it's the best way I can explain it.

Things at home are somewhat slowly going back to normal, my wife and I spent almost a whole day together fishing (I asked her to leave her phone in our truck and so did I) which was something she never did before and had fun doing so. I must admit she actually reeled in more fish than I did but what matter the most is that we had a very good time without our phones just the two of us. We both needed a break and still could use more days like that. I never once brought up the pregnancy subject that day but I did try to get her to keep me informed of what is going on instead of keeping things from me and later telling me about it. I also hit a nerve or two the other day when I told her that her daughter isn't respecting her and doesn't trust her as in the past she has done things and wouldn't tell her mom but would talk to her friends mom about it. I'm not sure if my wife understood me as I really wasn't trying to spark anything but just to try to get her to realize that she might be in denial and that she no longer has a baby for a daughter.

Yesterday my wife told me that her daughter asked her if she could go over the boys house and I said toy wife that I don't think it's a good idea right now as the dust is still settling and she should be on that birth control thing that wouldn't allow her to conceive for 5 years or so...again sorry for my terminology. If I didn't mention before we found out that that every time our daughter would go over to this boys house they where left alone in the apartment even though my wife told the boys mother that they are not to be left alone and they where having alot of sex that my daughter couldn't remember how many times she did it. I was always opposed that my daughter went over this boys house almost 3-5 times a week but her mom seemed to be in denial. My daughter isn't really speaking to me but was I wrong to suggest she doesn't go over until she's on birth control?

Things are still ok at home between my wife and I but she seems to have a fit or I seem to struck a nerve when I try parenting her kids.
"a pill or two to get rid of it If the pill doesn't work then they will go in there and pretty much suck it out!" Your cavilier attitude towards your step daughter and her recent truma is upsetting. I hope you don't use that "terminolgy" around them (Step-D and D's mom) as it is abusive. The girl's 16 this is hell of alot for her to go thru physically and emontionally.


"Please excuse my terminology but it's the best way I can explain it. "
I call BS. You write well and posses a strong vocab. If you don't "know the terminolgy", then learn it. For heavens sake show some compassion.

"I said to (y) wife that I don't think it's a good idea right now as the dust is still settling and she should be on that birth control thing that wouldn't allow her to conceive for 5 years or so" So you're still "laying down the law" and demanding mom act as "enforcer". You should not be dispensing medical advise regarding birth control (or any perscription medicaction) unless you are her MD. You have no right to insist that take any medication.

"they where having alot of sex that my daughter couldn't remember how many times she did it." You expected your 16 yearold step-D to discusse her sex life with you? Frequency, et al? Was this an attempt to humilate her?

[b]"she seems to have a fit or I seem to struck a nerve when I try parenting her kids."[/B What you described above is not "parenting" it's control through abuse and humilation.

Sorry to be so frank, but dude, you got issues.

This is waht I would do.
Tonite. Go buy your D a gift (somethng small not expensive). You and mom take her out or have a spiecial dinner at home. Tell her how proud you are of her for making a really tough choice. Tell her you know how upsetting these past few weeks have been for her. Tell her life is full of ups and downs. Remind her that she has family. She has support. She is not alone. Remind her that she has bright future. Talk about her past accomplishment and future dreams. LISTEN TO HER!!! DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR DISAPPOINTMENT OR YOUR FEELINGS!! You aren't the one who just terminated a pregnancy!!

This weekend, Plan a family outting (beach day, fishing, whatever) Ask D to invite her BF. Get to know the Guy.

Your Step-d is a child. A child, who just been thru one of hardest choices of any woman's life. Stop acting like a facisit dictator. Your wife is not your enforcer. If you cann't do that, then you should leave the home until you grow-up and get your crap together.

Last edited by blu4u; 08-19-2014 at 06:16 PM..
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Old 08-19-2014, 06:35 PM
 
300 posts, read 321,699 times
Reputation: 218
Quote:
Originally Posted by I_Love_LI_but View Post
Well you can see what kind of total hypocrites are answering your questions on here. They say one thing in some posts and then say the exact opposite in other posts. Useless know-it-alls and attention seekers. Feel free to ignore them. (I do! When I get to the point that I realize they will never make sense, I just have to let them go because they are in their own little world where they are always right and they do not wish to learn something new, but to "hammer" everyone with their own intractable opinions!)

As per the birth control for the daughter, that should be a NO NEGOTIATION ISSUE, including using birth control that is EXTREMELY reliable like depo shots or implant ... not using "condoms" or "the pill," which require diligence and a responsible mindset.


Once a girl gets sexually active to the point she had to have an abortion, she is NOT going to go back to acting like a virgin and since she is underage and cannot support a child herself, she needs to listen to her parents. She's a kid playing adult and needs to have limits put on her at least in regards to the potential consequences of her actions (which can be much more than getting pregnant ... how about getting HIV, etc.). Just the fact that she wants to go and hang out with this guy who got her pregnant (and, along with his questionable family, stalked her and harassed her about it) shows she is not mentally mature enough to be given free reign out there in life yet.

Perhaps this is not a subject you, yourself should broach with the daughter, but you should talk to your wife in private about it and make sure you two are on the same page here. Then, if she agrees with you that the daughter should be on reliable birth control, her mother should broach the subject with her and take her to the doctor.

As for the second thing I bolded, I am a bit concerned that you don't seem to know how your wife sees you. If it turns out your wife does not agree with you about reliable birth control, that's a bad sign. Also there will be more of the same trouble for you to go through in the future with this girl, which nobody needs. It's over and it should stay over ... until this girl is of an adult age and has the independence and means to take care of a child if she wants to choose to get pregnant.

Reliable and reasonably priced birth control is widely available in this country and there is absolutely no excuse for further irresponsible reproductive behavior on the part of this girl when her mom can help her in this regard. I wish you the best in dealing with this matter!
As per the birth control for the daughter, that should be a NO NEGOTIATION ISSUE, including using birth control that is EXTREMELY reliable like depo shots or implant ... not using "condoms" or "the pill," which require diligence and a responsible mindset.

What??!! You realize that your are reccomending perscrition medication. this is conversation for the Step-D and her doctor and her mom.

Once a girl gets sexually active to the point she had to have an abortion, she is NOT going to go back to acting like a virgin
What a horible thing to say!! Classifing girls as virgin v non-virgin!!

Wierdly enough, I gree kinda agree with the rest of your post.

Last edited by blu4u; 08-19-2014 at 06:45 PM..
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Old 08-19-2014, 07:38 PM
 
32,538 posts, read 29,333,321 times
Reputation: 32238
Quote:
Originally Posted by blu4u View Post
"a pill or two to get rid of it If the pill doesn't work then they will go in there and pretty much suck it out!" Your cavilier attitude towards your step daughter and her recent truma is upsetting. I hope you don't use that "terminolgy" around them (Step-D and D's mom) as it is abusive. The girl's 16 this is hell of alot for her to go thru physically and emontionally.


"Please excuse my terminology but it's the best way I can explain it. "
I call BS. You write well and posses a strong vocab. If you don't "know the terminolgy", then learn it. For heavens sake show some compassion.
Thank you, blu4u. You are absolutely right. But I wouldn't count on compassion from someone who took his wife on a "fun" fishing trip (whee - look how many we're reeling in!) during the time her teenage daughter was dealing with having her pregnancy terminated. (Let's leave the phone in the car so we'll have an even better time without all that worry about how she's doing!) I have NO idea what the mother was thinking.

On the off chance this whole thread is even remotely true..... I am appalled.

Last edited by DewDropInn; 08-19-2014 at 07:51 PM..
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