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Old 08-20-2014, 08:32 PM
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,014 posts, read 37,656,456 times
Reputation: 73607


Originally Posted by Brian View Post
I have not finished reading this thread. Maybe you and your wife could consider looking into placing her and her newborn in a home for unwed/single mothers. They get all help they need at such places.

Found a webpage: Housing Assistance for Single Mothers - Single Moms
This is a case where it does help to read all the way through.

The daughter had an abortion last week.
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Old 08-20-2014, 08:39 PM
2,321 posts, read 2,360,941 times
Reputation: 2645
Great! Now it sounds like we have another teenager who is going to use abortion as her primary method of birth control. It also doesn't sound like her mother ever matured into an adult capable of being a MOTHER to her child- this happens often when someone becomes a parent during their teenage years.
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Old 08-20-2014, 09:02 PM
7,233 posts, read 12,642,972 times
Reputation: 8509
Originally Posted by Molli View Post
Family therapy only works with willing participants. I am a friend of a young teenager whose mother is a highly recognized and respected child psychiatrist! This girl became pregnant at the age of 15. She and her mother both decided to keep and raise the baby. The girl miscarried at about 5 months during the pregnancy. First thing this 15 year old girl did was to go out and intentionally become pregnant again by the same boy since her mother was already willing to help raise a baby with her. She's in her 8th month now so its looking like this one will not result in a miscarriage.

You cannot predict teenagers'behaviors.
Oh, I get that and agree: Therapy is always helpful if one is seeking help.

But what does it say about the OP? He's been told to seek family therapy. He hasn't done that yet, even though it appears that he can. It seems OP is rather put off by the hard hitting truth on post #258. His following post doesn't really show that he's getting that there are some serious cracks that need acknowledging.
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Old 08-21-2014, 07:35 AM
Location: Tulsa, OK
2,444 posts, read 2,229,335 times
Reputation: 5848
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
Plz sad dad, have the girl get a depo shot immediately. And no, of course not, she cannot go over to boys apt! What is wrong with your wife! Why wasnt this girl on birth control when mom knew she had a boyfriend? And she knew she was going to his place? She is gonna rely on someone elses parent to supervise?
I agree with this. But, the damage has already been done. I still can't understand how there are so many pregnant teens, when there are drug stores on every corner. DEPO is great. Every 3 months and done.
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Old 08-21-2014, 08:33 AM
3,323 posts, read 3,259,105 times
Reputation: 8423
She has had an abortion. But despite my urging them to do so, accordingvto saddad, she still isnt on depo and wants to go to meet boyfriend at his homecwhich is where she got pregnant in the first place. Saddad, there is a three year implant called implanon, but she should have depo first for two reasons. Depo is quick easy and cheap. If she has an intolerable side effect, it doesnt need a surgery to be removed. Get her depo shot now, and begin process of planning for implanon. Do not rely on any other method. It will fail due to her not using it. She is going to continue having sex no matter what you do, unless you or your wife are with her 24/7. You cannot even depend on school to supervise her. She can cut school and go to his house to have sex. Get her on depo now!
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Old 08-21-2014, 11:21 AM
421 posts, read 448,609 times
Reputation: 390
I'm sorry but I can't believe I am seeing people urge a step dad to pick and force a type of birth control. I know a lot of people who had major issues with depo. The decision is between her and her doctor, and the mother's input. NOT a step parent.
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Old 08-21-2014, 01:21 PM
15,187 posts, read 16,035,343 times
Reputation: 25076
Originally Posted by eyeye View Post
I'm sorry but I can't believe I am seeing people urge a step dad to pick and force a type of birth control. I know a lot of people who had major issues with depo. The decision is between her and her doctor, and the mother's input. NOT a step parent.
I don't see that anyone is telling the OP to "pick and force" a type of birth control on his step-daughter. Most people are just agreeing that she needs to be on BC or she'll be pregnant again shortly and that depo might be a good choice because you only have to think about it every three months. Of course any final decision would be the girl's to make with help from her doctor. But it appears that everyone in their household agrees that it isn't a good idea for her to raise a child right now. So, to the extent the OP can encourage her to get on some sort of reliable BC, he should.
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Old 08-21-2014, 01:31 PM
Location: Nassau, Long Island, NY
16,416 posts, read 27,923,260 times
Reputation: 7249
Originally Posted by eyeye View Post
I'm sorry but I can't believe I am seeing people urge a step dad to pick and force a type of birth control. I know a lot of people who had major issues with depo. The decision is between her and her doctor, and the mother's input. NOT a step parent.
So, what would you suggest? A locking chastity belt, which would cause no possible "side effects" that reliable birth control might have? Make her do the "Pledge" not to have sex again before she's married, like some families do with the "Virgin Pledge?" How about chain her to the radiator and guard her so it can't happen again? Okay, just kidding! (Yes, I actually have to say "j/k," because if I don't, I am sure some of the whackjobs on here would think I am serious with these crazy suggestions!)

She's a 16 year old and still a CHILD in the eyes of the law. The decision should not be hers, but her mother's with the doctor's input regarding the health of the child and what would be the appropriate steps to take. (Technically, the stepdad is not legally her father since he didn't ADOPT her, so I'll give you that, but he should have some input. He lives there too and supports the family!) Yes, some people have trouble with depo, but it doesn't mean they shouldn't at least try it (IF, of course, after a complete medical examination, she is found NOT to have any conditions, etc., that are known not to mix well with depo).

What would you do if it were your 16-year-old daughter and had to live with the spectre of another disastrous unplanned pregnancy looming on the horizon every single day while she lives under your roof and is your dependent?

However, with the Welfare State in the country, too many parents have become very relaxed about these situations because Medicaid will pay the thousands of dollars for the prenatal care and the birth, and then SNAP, WIC, and public assistance will kick in when the daughter becomes a parent. So no money out of THEIR pockets, so it's easy to be lax about this for many people in this country.

Just look at the horrible statistics, growing everyday, concerning children born out of wedlock. No need for a "daddy" to take care of his child or even be on the premises. Uncle Sam is the "daddy!" Sure, Uncle Sam might hunt down the biological "daddy" and take away his tax returns, etc., to recoup some of the money, but we all know what they manage to get out of the "daddies" is only a small percentage of what it costs to raise a child ... if "daddy" actually had to really do it himself. It's still quite a bargain for the "daddies!"

These days people can have it both ways ... yeah it's your daughter, but, BONUS, you're not responsible for any of the costs of the pregnancy and expenses once the child is born, and neither is your daughter or the person who got her pregnant if he's a kid and has no job or money! Just let her have "free rent" under your roof like you've been doing anyway. Even better, you can get some money too if your daughter turns out to be irresponsible and the grandparents must act as "foster parents" and be in charge of their grandchild ... further BONUS ... they get PAID the foster parent fees by the State just like a unrelated foster family gets PAID! Cha-ching! Let's have an adolescent baby shower! It's on the taxpayers! IIRC, the OP wrote that the boy's family was on Welfare, didn't think this would be a big deal, and offered their guidance about getting as much as possible out of the State if she had the baby.

Just for fun (since it will NEVER happen), think about what you would do as a parent if YOU got the bill for EVERYTHING related to your minor's pregnancy? Nothing. Nada. Zilch from the Welfare State government for your kid and her child! Nothing but astronomical medical bill liens on your house (depending on insurance covering this or lack thereof) and bad credit or working three jobs to pay for it all for YOU! What would your attitudes be then about "THE (formerly) PREGNANT MINOR GIRL'S rights" to do what SHE wants and make all the decisions (with a "little input" from mommy)?

For all the posters, picking on this guy and screeching about THE (formerly) PREGNANT MINOR GIRL'S "rights," tell us the truth, what would you do if it happened in your family and your daughter had her first abortion at 16 (got pregnant at 15) and just days after getting the abortion, is clamoring to go over to the boyfriend's house (who, with his family, treated her abusively about the abortion) again, just like old times?

Does the above sound like somebody who can make major decisions that will impact her life forever ... such as having a baby underage and unprepared and uneducated and KEEPING IT ... OR the anguish and "what ifs" of putting the baby up for adoption ... OR get started on the disgusting use of "abortion as birth control" that some of them end up doing ... because NOBODY lays down the law to them about PREVENTING PREGNANCY while they are still children? NO, it sounds like a KID who doesn't know what she is doing, and without proper guidance, will continue to make horrible mistakes!

One person, a strident supporter of THE (formerly) PREGNANT MINOR'S "rights," suggested in a previous post that the OP "make a family function and invite the boy who got her pregnant over" to "get to know him." Really? Give them the impression that you approve of what happened and approve of him? Just rubber-stamp this character "approved?" You think kissing up to him is gonna help? You think asking him, "Hey pal, just one little favor, don't get my child pregnant again and all is well!" is going to work? This will naturally lead to letting her hang out at his home and do "whatever" even though they know his parents don't care what happens sexually between them. ("Wahh! What do you mean NO? After all, step-dad and mom, you invited him over to get to know him. I thought you liked and approved of him! Why can't we hang out at his house? We're in LOVE! Wahh!") You really wanna play Pregnancy Russian Roulette again? Once wasn't enough for you? I wonder if that person would REALLY do that if it was her kid he got pregnant at 15 and helped cause an abortion for at 16.

Would you really "hang loose" and leave it up to the kid who got pregnant and "her doctor" to run the show about birth control? Because that's leaving it to chance. "Her doctor" has no authority to make her do anything, so it ends up 100% the child's choice. Would you REALLY feel comfortable about leaving it all to chance by letting a child run the show?

What would you really do if it happened in your family and why?
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Old 08-21-2014, 06:21 PM
421 posts, read 448,609 times
Reputation: 390
Well I would first get me and my kid in therapy. Until we make moves towards healing from the abortion and getting on birth control I would keep an eye on her 24/7. If I had to, I would quit my job and sell my car to be with her while we address the issues at hand.

But a natural consequence of sex is pregnancy. She averted parenthood by abortion. If she hasn't learned from it, she will get pregnant again, and soon. And if she is pressured to get depo, she will go ahead and get pregnant the day after it wears off. Sure, you will get her to 18 without a Baby. But she learned nothing. Forcing her on a birth control of your choice is not parenting.

She is a child, but old enough to be part of her health choices.

And if you read, there is a huge drum beat of depo. I know a high school athlete who gained 100lbs on depo. And several others not as athletic with that issue. Her birth control choice should be discussed with her obgyn, not the internet, not the step dad.

This forum is full of opinions, but we don't know this family. We don't know what's best for them. The only real way to help is to listen, validate and ask questions.
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Old 08-21-2014, 09:40 PM
3,323 posts, read 3,259,105 times
Reputation: 8423
Depo prevents pregnancy on average for nine months after one shot. And parents can tell a teen "my house, my rules" and insist she stay on depo until she moves out. Any side effects are negligible when compared to the side effects of pregnancy. She is an irresponsible teen who is sexually active. Put her on depo now before its too late.
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