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Old 08-22-2014, 12:36 AM
 
300 posts, read 322,245 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
Depo prevents pregnancy on average for nine months after one shot. And parents can tell a teen "my house, my rules" and insist she stay on depo until she moves out. Any side effects are negligible when compared to the side effects of pregnancy. She is an irresponsible teen who is sexually active. Put her on depo now before its too late.

"parents can tell a teen "my house, my rules""
Parents can tell a teen pretty much anything, it's getting the kids to listen that's key.

"insist she stay on depo"
Insisting isn't teaching. Dollars to donuts the girl will see it as punishment, especially if she forced to take the hormone shot against her will. How do forced medical treatments (depo) and life threating mandates (kicked to the curb) teach D to make smart choices regarding her body and physical well being? If you want to teach D ownership of choices, then involve D in decisions which will impact her long term health and development.

"She is an irresponsible teen who is sexually active."
Girls engaging in sexual behavior are often 1) looking for love acceptance or attention 2) rebelling against a chaotic home life. Step-dad's previus posts sound like he (and his rules) have created both those situations in the home. Since step-dad is the grwon-up it's up to him take a leadership roll and effect positive change.

Parentolist, Do you know of an RX shot for step-dad? One which will help him understand the meaning of compassion?

By the way: Single hormone based contraception has consequences. Depending upon the individual, sometimes very serious medical consequences. This is a discussion for D (with the consultation of her mom) and D's doctor. I would never allow my still growing 16 year old D to take shot which diminishes bone density/

Last edited by blu4u; 08-22-2014 at 01:12 AM..
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Old 08-22-2014, 05:35 AM
 
3,332 posts, read 3,271,498 times
Reputation: 8443
If she were having sex and not using birth control reliably and had just gotten pregnant and had an abortion? Really? You still wouldnt use depo? Btw, the bone density loss from depo is quickly reversed after going off it. And its nothing compared to the loss of calcium that occurs withbpregnancy and nursing.

I would prefer my teens didnt have sex. But its the strongest biological drive there is. Many will, and it doesnt mean there is anything wrong with them. If they do, and if theyre not mature enough to comply with another method, depo makes all the sense in the world. It is very safe and very effective. When you consider that in many cases its depo or pregnsncy, the comparison seems almost ludicrous.

As for forcing asexually active girl to go on depo, its a lot better than locking her up or having an abortion or getting pregnant.
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Old 08-22-2014, 09:38 AM
 
15,203 posts, read 16,070,411 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eyeye View Post
Well I would first get me and my kid in therapy. Until we make moves towards healing from the abortion and getting on birth control I would keep an eye on her 24/7. If I had to, I would quit my job and sell my car to be with her while we address the issues at hand.

But a natural consequence of sex is pregnancy. She averted parenthood by abortion. If she hasn't learned from it, she will get pregnant again, and soon. And if she is pressured to get depo, she will go ahead and get pregnant the day after it wears off. Sure, you will get her to 18 without a Baby. But she learned nothing. Forcing her on a birth control of your choice is not parenting.

She is a child, but old enough to be part of her health choices.

And if you read, there is a huge drum beat of depo. I know a high school athlete who gained 100lbs on depo. And several others not as athletic with that issue. Her birth control choice should be discussed with her obgyn, not the internet, not the step dad.

This forum is full of opinions, but we don't know this family. We don't know what's best for them. The only real way to help is to listen, validate and ask questions.
Would you really risk bankruptcy and homelessness for your entire family rather than insist that your teenage daughter get on birth control?

Being 18 and a high school graduate with a baby is objectively better than being a 16-year-old high school dropout with a baby.

Of course no one here knows the family, but it's not unreasonable for Sad-Dad to push for the girl to get on some kind of BC. It doesn't have to be depo, but it needs to be something. And sure, they could probably all benefit from counseling, but Sad-Dad shouldn't be castigated for saying that he'd really like to see his step-daughter use BC so that none of them have to go through this again.
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Old 08-22-2014, 10:04 AM
 
421 posts, read 449,354 times
Reputation: 390
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
Would you really risk bankruptcy and homelessness for your entire family rather than insist that your teenage daughter get on birth control?

Being 18 and a high school graduate with a baby is objectively better than being a 16-year-old high school dropout with a baby.

Of course no one here knows the family, but it's not unreasonable for Sad-Dad to push for the girl to get on some kind of BC. It doesn't have to be depo, but it needs to be something. And sure, they could probably all benefit from counseling, but Sad-Dad shouldn't be castigated for saying that he'd really like to see his step-daughter use BC so that none of them have to go through this again.
I just wouldn't approach this situation in any of these ways.
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Old 08-22-2014, 01:48 PM
 
Location: Nassau, Long Island, NY
16,416 posts, read 27,966,660 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eyeye View Post
Well I would first get me and my kid in therapy. Until we make moves towards healing from the abortion and getting on birth control I would keep an eye on her 24/7. If I had to, I would quit my job and sell my car to be with her while we address the issues at hand.

But a natural consequence of sex is pregnancy. She averted parenthood by abortion. If she hasn't learned from it, she will get pregnant again, and soon. And if she is pressured to get depo, she will go ahead and get pregnant the day after it wears off. Sure, you will get her to 18 without a Baby. But she learned nothing. Forcing her on a birth control of your choice is not parenting.

She is a child, but old enough to be part of her health choices.

And if you read, there is a huge drum beat of depo. I know a high school athlete who gained 100lbs on depo. And several others not as athletic with that issue. Her birth control choice should be discussed with her obgyn, not the internet, not the step dad.

This forum is full of opinions, but we don't know this family. We don't know what's best for them. The only real way to help is to listen, validate and ask questions.
Thank you for your post! I agree they should all get in counseling.

I never knew anyone on depo who gained 100 lbs. Was the doctor sure that was the reason? There are many other medications that people take regularly that are known to cause or contribute to weight gain and reasons besides medication that cause weight gain, including mental issues like psychological problems and physical reasons like hypothyroid, etc.

However, a 100 lb. weight gain is a serious issue, as it pushes a person into the clinically obese range and makes them subject to getting many health problems that plague the obese, so if it was most likely the depo, than yes, depo does NOT agree with the girl in your post and she should not use it. But of all the women who use it, what percentage become clinically obese? I would guess very small, so it's still worth trying if your doctor does not find anything about your health beforehand that indicates you should not even try it.

Also, many of us are assuming the girl will object to being on birth control. I think it's more likely she will accept it and then be happy because she can have all the sex she wants and not worry.


I think the reason many people on this thread are pushing depo is because it's effortless and you don't have to worry about her screwing up.

Another effortless method is using an IUD. Some people think teenagers should not use them, but recent studies have found that not to be the case:

IUDs Safe and Effective for Teens - Planned Parenthood - Hudson Peconic

Quote:
Intrauterine devices (IUDs) are now considered to be one of the most effective forms of preventing unintended pregnancies and are especially safe for teenagers, according to recent research by a top doctors group. - See more at: IUDs Safe and Effective for Teens - Planned Parenthood - Hudson Peconic
IUDs are safe, effective for teens, study finds - NBC News

Quote:
Intrauterine devices are safe for teenagers, according to a new analysis of more than 90,000 women who used the long-term contraceptives.

Researchers found less than 1 percent of all women developed serious complications from the devices, such as pelvic inflammatory disease, regardless of their age.

And teens were only slightly more likely than older women to lose their periods or become pregnant while using an intrauterine device (IUD), according to findings published in Obstetrics & Gynecology.
An additional bonus to the IUD is that women cannot use the "vanity" excuse of "Wahh! I might get fat!" to reject using them.

Another very reliable method is birth control pills, but they must be taken regularly or they are not effective. I suppose the mother could make it a habit that the girl take it at breakfast so it is not forgotten. These are hormonal like depo and can make people gain weight, but I think the newer pills are much better about that. I also never knew anyone who gained 100 lbs. on them. Any weight gain was more of a "vanity" issue.

The other birth control methods, mainly barrier methods, are all pretty "hit and miss" and people must also have the discipline to use them (and use them correctly) every time they have sex. I still think condoms are important, however, but more for protection from STDs and HIV/AIDS. However, condoms are not even 100% reliable for this just like they are not 100% reliable against pregnancy (even when used correctly). People tend to gloss over that and think, "Oh I can have sex with ANYONE and EVERYONE and not get diseases if I always use a condom!" Sorry, it doesn't work that way!

I think women who don't want to use reliable birth control because "It might make me fat ... whine!" are idiots because the risk of getting pregnant without using it is far more likely. They seem to gloss over the fact that pregnancy WILL make you get fat! Often women stay fat well after giving birth, and if they don't diet to get rid of it, the fat will become permanent. So what's really more risky of fat?

Also, like I said above, there are a lot of other medications, like SSRI antidepressants, steroids, etc., that run the risk of weight gain, but some women seem to focus only on "don't use birth control" when it comes to the possibility of weight gain, rather than understanding that many other medications you may take also could cause weight gain. Then there are the women who are literally too vain to save their own lives, like the ones out there who would would rather stay depressed their whole lives or risk dying from asthma than risk the chance of weight gain because of their vanity. That's just pathetic.

As for the last sentence in your post, it's too bad that some people were so hostile RATHER THAN listening, validating and asking questions. They chased away the OP, who, while I agree is not perfect by any means, still needs help. I hope he and his family go into counseling.
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Old 06-28-2015, 09:21 AM
 
1 posts, read 650 times
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As a 48 year old retired Army NCO i sympathize. I remarried a lovely lady about 42 with a 13 year old daughter. She is a nice girl but not very bright. At 15 my stepdaughter got pregnant . I am already a grandfather. Both my sons are grown and in the military. I really don't feel like being a father figure again(the baby daddy was 19 and is in county lockup for statutory rape). I told my stepdaughter and wife i will not be changing diapers or waking up to feed baby or babysitting. I have a full time job and a social life with friends. I am covering the medical costs and diapers and all that but that is it. I honestly would rather spend my time with my wife or my sons.I am lucky enough to be able to financially support he but I make her change the Baby's diapers and take care of her parental responsibilities.
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Old 06-28-2015, 04:37 PM
 
Location: I'm around here someplace :)
3,633 posts, read 4,257,208 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad-Dad View Post
I desperately need some advice here since I really don't want to be a part of housing a pregnant minor. 4 years into this new relationship I had a family meeting and I specifically said to my step kids & son that they will have a home until the age of 24 as long as they don't come home pregnant (stepdaughter) and they don't get anyone pregnant (stepson & son from previous marriage). We'll my stepdaughter has always been the brave one and has done things that no1 has ever done before and now she's pregnant!!! For the last two days I've been really stressful and her mom (my newly wed wife) is a mess. We had a conversation yesterday in which I found out that the 16 yr old is keeping the baby (so far) and trying to stay in our house. I told my wife that I don't know if I can handle a baby in my house that isn't our baby. My wife and I talked about having a baby but with our schedule and our lack of time spent together I realized before I married her that there's a strong chance we couldn't have a baby of our own. I'm in my early 30's and I would've live to have a baby with her since all I have is just one son.... I knew this before marrying her and I accepted the possibility of not having anymore babies ever. Having giving up our wants and needs now we get this bombshell from this stupid teen that shows no freaking remorse for her actions. I told my wife that I'm not making her choose between her daughter and me but I don't want a baby in my house and I don't know what tomorrow will bring as far as me staying in this relationship.

We bought a house 3 years ago for the 5 of us and when I married her I chose to be there for her and care for her kids but never would I imagine that her baby would be having a baby at 16. I don't know what to do at all.... This young girl barely know how to clean her room so how is she supposed to care for a baby? I really don't want her in my house when the symptoms come and especially when the baby comes. Her father is a pos who lives with his momma at the age of 44+ so it's not like there's room for her in there and the baby father is 17 and he and his parents are shacking up with his sister in a 2 bedroom apt living off welfare and whatever the system has to offer. He's been texting my wife telling her that he will care for both of them but he's whole family is on welfare and basically homeless!!

Since my wife is my best friend and she's the one who has always been there for me and the light that shines my path I couldn't help but to come clean with all my feelings and I told her that this whole ordeal can break our marriage. No matter how much I try I just can't accept a baby at home that isn't our own. We get by financially but that's just it... Who do you think is going to buy formula, diapers, take time off from work to help her, get her to the doctors and etc? I don't want my wife to go thru that as she was a teen mom herself and I was planning for our future of finally doing things like vacationing, honeymoon, going out to diner, movies and etc without her kids texting her all the damn time. My wife is due for a good life stress free and I really feel that she will end up raising this baby even-though she says that won't happen.

What can I do to overcome something that I'm so against of doing? If I break this rule for my stepdaughter that means that I would have to do the same for my stepson and son. I really just want her out of my house or I can leave them the house.
Well, I'm sure plenty of people will disagree with me, but from what you've posted you've already been more than generous (offering to let them stay til age 24, etc.)
But whether you and your wife would like to have a baby or not, taking on a grandchild isn't the way to do it.
I've noticed the (leaving out some offensive descriptions) approach of "No problem, you can live with US!!!" approach has become quite popular these days, and it's rarely in anyone's best interest.
As you said the girl is only 16, if I were in your position I'd say "either put the baby up for adoption or you're on your own."
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Old 06-28-2015, 09:40 PM
 
Location: Caverns measureless to man...
6,704 posts, read 4,178,716 times
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Good thing that's against the law in most states. It's considered child abandonment and/or neglect.
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Old 07-01-2015, 01:00 AM
 
752 posts, read 537,748 times
Reputation: 1302
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad-Dad View Post
The father to be and his family live off the state and they where the first to insist that welfare will take care of them all. These people have made a career of our tax dollars!!! Why would we think otherwise
Welfare will not take care of all if they know who the father is.

I know somebody who worked for the welfare department, tracking down deadbeat dads like that. She told me that lots of single moms claim that they don't know who the father is, but most of them really do. They just claim they don't know who it is so that the dad can use his money how he likes while the taxpayers support his children. Anyways, she said that they've had a few cases of fathers posting pictures on Facebook with their child, admitting publicly that they're the father, while the mother continues to say she doesn't know who is. Welfare uses that as evidence to make those dads pay up.
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Old 07-01-2015, 01:07 AM
 
752 posts, read 537,748 times
Reputation: 1302
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tia 914 View Post
As you said the girl is only 16, if I were in your position I'd say "either put the baby up for adoption or you're on your own."
I don't know if you can do that with a 16 year old. Kicking them out could be considered abandonment. I don't know if you can legally force them to have an abortion or give their child up for adoption. But even if you could legally tell somebody what to do with their baby, I'm sure the local press would have a field day with it.
Imagine headlines like "Stepfather Forces Stepdaughter to Abandon Child !" on your local newspaper, with your picture on it. I wouldn't want to get into a situation like that.

A person shouldn't be required to support somebody living in a manner they disapprove of, but minors have certain rights. He might want to talk to a lawyer about what he can and can't do.
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