How do I go against my rule of kids bringing a baby home? (teens, divorce)

[Molli]

I think you mentioned in your OP that you would have liked to have had another baby but have pretty much given up on that idea. Have you considered the possibility of adopting this baby?

[pooterposh]

If she is in her first trimester...there is a possiblity of natural selection by Mother Nature and your problem would be solved. You need to do what you want to do, otherwise you will be doing what she, they want and YOUR life will be for shiss. Kids now dont have a clue and are selfish. Parents dont want to believe their little darlings are having sex. This is what happens. Vvery sad.

[CraigCreek]

What about adoption? There are loving, stable, mature, intelligent and good families and couples standing in line to adopt healthy American babies, especially newborns. A semi-open adoption might be possible, in which your stepdaughter could receive updates and pictures of the baby, and would get to know the parents ahead of time. Or, a completely open adoption would allow her to visit the baby and the family and be a part of the baby's life, sort of like a young aunt.

There are no completely good answers, but adoption would appear to be the best for all concerned. I'd strongly urge your family to consider it.

Also, you have stated how much you love your wife in many of your posts, and how marrying her is the fulfillment of your dreams, that she is your soul-mate, and so on. Yet all your statements seem to be mainly about how you and your own feelings and particularly, your sense of personal betrayal.

You've also repeatedly said that you couldn't imagine having a baby in the house that was not the child of you and your wife, and that you couldn't care about a baby that was not your own. Consider this: this baby is your wife's grandchild. It may turn out to look and/or behave just like her, with all the fine and endearing qualities that you love in her. Rejecting the baby is partially rejecting your wife, and again, it's all about you, not your wife, not your stepdaughter, and not the innocent baby.

How does your wife feel about your rejection of her daughter and lack of support for her (your wife) while she's dealing with this very difficult situation? Marriage is supposed to be about more than just living with your dream partner. It's about being true partners, for better, for worse.

Please set your own feelings of resentment and betrayal aside, and be there for your wife and your family. Focus on the best interests of your stepdaughter and her baby, not on your anger and hurt feelings.

No doubt the girl feels very guilty, perhaps defiant, perhaps feels unloved - getting pregnant is a common teenage response to feeling unwanted or unloved at home. Since your stepdaughter is dealing with the changes that accompanied her mother's recent remarriage to you, your own strict rules, and your stepping into a quasi-parental role of nearly-grown children who are not biologically yours, she may have felt overlooked, resentful of you for various reasons, and thus was at risk of turning elsewhere for affection, or may have subconsciously wanted something she could love that would love her back. Thus - a baby is on its way.

Counseling would help you and your family deal with all the various strong feelings which are swirling around and impairing everyone's judgment right now. It would also improve communication, and might help your family locate various services which would help your stepdaughter during and after her pregnancy.

If this were my own daughter, I'd tell her I was very disappointed, but that it wasn't the end of the world, and I'd be there for her and loved her, and that we'd get through this together.

Then I'd make sure she had good prenatal care, continued her education, and was aware of the adoption option. It would be her decision about keeping the baby or adoption - I'd have a very difficult time personally dealing with abortion, but if she made this choice, I would be very saddened but would continue to love and support her.

I'd also make sure she was well-informed about and had ready access to contraception (probably Depo-Provera shots), no matter what choice she made.

If she chose to keep the baby, I'd make absolutely sure she was well-informed about child development and parenting skills. At sixteen, she and her child would be living with me, at least for two more years. I'd give her all the independence and space I could, depending on her own maturity level, but house rules would still apply. She would have major responsibility for the baby's care, but under my own supervision. Since I would be providing a good deal of the baby's financial support, that would give me some clout in setting the house rules for the young mother. However, I would not hold this over her head or use it as a threat.

I'd look for support groups for young parents and their families, and not expect her to be with the baby 24/7, as she would need some time with her peers. However, I would not babysit without notice (unless I thought the child was in danger, which would be another whole can of worms).

I would discourage a teen-age marriage, but if the father was a decent sort, would encourage him and his family to be involved. If it's as you say, and the father and his family are not such great sorts, then I'd backpedal that, realizing that if my daughter kept the baby, the father would have legal rights as well.

I know you are hurt and disappointed and angry and frustrated - but once those feelings of betrayal subside a bit, try to focus on your stepdaughter and what she must be feeling, and what her options may be. Try to be supportive instead of critical of your wife right now - she has enough on her shoulders without dealing with a newlywed husband's pouting that he's not getting enough of her attention or that he is going to leave because her daughter got pregnant. Transcend all those negative feelings and focus on the practicalities.

Get to know your stepdaughter better - take her out for a milkshake and talk with her, NOT about the pregnancy necessarily, but just whatever else she wants to talk about. Actually, if she still cares to talk to you at all, do a lot more listening than talking. Rather than be critical, bite your tongue. She needs level-headed, caring adults whom she can trust in her life right now - be one of them.

Good luck to you and your family.

[Sad-Dad]

I know deep down you are right about everything in that last post... I need some time for now so please don't think that in not paying attention to your helpful advice and the advice of others. I have not read what's on the link but for now I'm just going to take a walk or possibly hit the gym to cool down. When I return from my lunch break hopefully I will be a lot calmer and I will read what's on that link. Thank you

[convextech]

If she wants a baby, she can have one later when she can afford it and take care of it on her own. Right now, she is 16 and has to do what her mother says. If your wife doesn't want this baby either, then I suggest you start scoping out adoption.

[Grandmax4]

Why is it that when faced with an unexpected pregnancy some people respond as though it were the end of the world? I realize we're talking about a teen mom, a baby and stretching finances, but, geez, it's nothing that's going to kill you.

If the teen chooses to keep her baby, as a family, adjustments can be made. It won't be easy, but it can be done. When you married your wife, you married her for better or worse, did you not? You knew she had children and had to know that, above all else, her children would always come first...or you should've known.

My suggestion for you is to suck it up, go to counseling with your wife, and make the best out of this whole situation. If you truly love your wife like you say you do, you will help her get through this with her daughter.

[Mrs.Bewitched]

I thought marriages were about going through the worst together, and making the best out of hard times? If you truly love your wife, then you would stick with her, and support her in what will be trying times for her too. Otherwise, in my opinion, you don't truly love your wife and back out just due to that fact.

My mom was 16 when she had me. Father dead-beat Ahole. Thank god her parents supported her. She wasn't a great mother- a lot of the responsibility DID fall on my grandparents to care for me- like it might on you. But they loved me and took that responsibility because it was family and the right thing to do. I'm glad they did- it wasn't the end of the world as I grew up to be a stable person with a career, a son in the military, and another honor roll son that is terrific.

You do a whole lot for love. You support your spouse, and all that comes with your spouse. And make the best out of a situation that isn't the best.

[Jerseyt719]

I'm the mother of the girl in the other thread.

Your wife is going through emotional hell right now. She needs you. I cannot express that enough. If not for my husband I would be in the loony bin right now.

You need to be there for her. Marriage doesn't come with stipulations other than the vows you took. I'm sure the vows didn't say "all these promises are null and void if your child comes home with a baby".

My husband and my relationship was never tested throughout these difficulties. He is just there for me and his daughters and now granddaughter. Once the emotional shock subsides you can think more clearly. I said some awful things about the situation on here that I regret but this forum was a fantastic outlet for me and still is. It helps me avoid saying aloud many things I may regret.

Go cool down. After that, call your wife and set a date for maybe one day this weekend. Friday or Saturday. Do not talk about this together until you are alone. Plan what will happen. Together.

Her daughter and your wife need to know that should she go through with this pregnancy they are tied to the other family, like it or not.

Once again, your wife needs you. Don't bail on her now.

[kletter1mann]

Originally Posted by Sad-Dad

I just asked her about that a little bit ago and she said she wasn't forcing her daughter to get an abortion. By all means I'm not forcing her to get an abortion but if by doing so she can avoid the huge possibility of becoming a single teen mom with no education living of welfare.

You can't force her, but you can encourage her. Break the cycle of teenage moms. Having the baby at all greatly increases the likelihood of the scenario you fear. She should fear it too.

[Hopes]

Originally Posted by Sad-Dad

4 years into this new relationship I had a family meeting and I specifically said to my step kids & son that they will have a home until the age of 24 as long as they don't come home pregnant (stepdaughter) and they don't get anyone pregnant (stepson & son from previous marriage). We'll my stepdaughter has always been the brave one and has done things that no1 has ever done before and now she's pregnant!!!

You can't legally kick any of your children out of the house until after they turn 18.

Originally Posted by Sad-Dad

What can I do to overcome something that I'm so against of doing? If I break this rule for my stepdaughter that means that I would have to do the same for my stepson and son.

This should be a nonissue because the daughter is the only one whose baby will be literally living at the house.

Originally Posted by Sad-Dad

I really just want her out of my house or I can leave them the house.

If that's the way you feel, you're going to have to leave because it's illegal to kick a minor of the house.