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OP, I would strongly advise against telling the girl to have an abortion. That could cause tons and tons of resentment and problems.
I find it ironic that there was a rule against teenage pregnancies (and a threat that support would be cut as a consequence), but yet your wife was a teenage mother.
This story is a good example of the fact that teenage pregnancy really does run in families from generation to generation.
Plans change and rules get broken. This unborn child will not ruin your life.
This is just part of living. You can use an event like this as an excuse to tank your marriage or you can move forward together. Your wife is 34 and about to become a grandmother. Meh. Not the end of the world. People deal with this situation every day.
Look, this stuff isn't likely to come up in my life because I've remained single to this point in my life (age 38). You went into the fray and married a woman with 3 kids who was a teen mom herself and then came out and imposed your rules on them, like it was going to innoculate you from having to deal with a very real possibility. Your 16-year-old stepdaughter has some growing up to do, but you do too.
Life gets in the way. You could be diagnosed with terminal cancer tomorrow. A tornado/flood/fire could destroy your house. A car accident could kill off someone you love. Your plans and rules aren't going to fend off disaster. If you can't accept this situation, than please do leave your wife - nobody deserves to live with your resentment and displeasure, and a newborn baby CERTAINLY doesn't deserve it.
But you say your wife is your best friend. What are you willing to sacrifice on the altar of your personal life plan?
Unfortunately the OP went into this marriage and becoming parent/step parent thinking everything is about himself. OP step up to the plate and become a parent/grandparent or move on and get out of their lives. I have a very loving adult grandchild who started life as this child. Not always easy.
In the words of John Lennon - "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans".
If your wife is your best friend, are you HER best friend? Friends don't bail when the going gets rough or things don't go according to plan. You're already threatening divorce with this situation. What will you do if one of the other kids gets in serious trouble? If your wife comes down with a serious health problem? Your house burns down? All these types of situations disrupt the plans you may have had for your life, but if you are the type of person who runs from problems, your wife is probably better off without you.
Be a man and be the rock your family depends on. Be an example to your stepkids of how a decent man steps up in difficult situations and does the right thing. Making your wife choose between you and her child is putting her in a horrible situation - don't be surprised if she decides to stand by her daughter.
The father of this baby and his family will contest it. The OP said they believe that state-supported living is acceptable and should be pursued in lieu of working, education, and taking care of one's own. I highly doubt they'd go for an adoption. Although I agree, it would be the best option.
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Wow!! There is an almost 2,000 post thread on this topic...well almost. The OP's daughter in that thread was at least 18/19. Sixteen is way too young to have a child. It is. I know some don't like to hear this because "back in the ol' 1800s and early 1900s women married and had kids at young ages" but in the 21st century this is not an ideal situation to experience a pregnancy and motherhood.
OP you need to get your wife back if she's moving out. That will blow up in your face. Your son will see this as an acceptable way to handle challenges in life and in a marriage and may view it as you making your love conditional. If you allow her to move out with her daughter, then what's to stop you from doing the same to him?
It's a tough situation. She needs to talk to someone at Planned Parenthood; Catholic Charities; and a social worker with your county's Child Protective Services office. Reality is so far out of this girl's mind that a healthy dose of it, 2-times over, can only do her and your family some good. She needs to see the reality of teenage parenting. Fast. This will likely get her mind in the frameset of what she'll have to look forward to should she keep this baby.
Unfortunately, because her mother had her in her teens, she thinks she can do it too. Why? Well, because her mother did it. I guarantee you that in her mind her mom would be a hypocrite to tell her not to have this child when she had her at a similar age. Teens think this way. This is one of the reasons such pregnancies run in families. She's not going to think of reasons to NOT have this baby...that's what you and your wife need to do for her, together.
I'm curious, why did you set a rule up about no babies in the home? Were you leery of this happening even before you got married? Something must have made you narrow in on this, have you thought of what it might be?
Lastly, I do think it's a red flag for your marriage that your wife so quickly decided to look for a new home without even telling you first. Something isn't adding up here. If you two are truly best friends, this situation would be seen as a "joint" problem instead of "her problem with her daughter" and "your house" and you "not taking care of a baby that's not yours." Umm, you married a woman with two children??? Soooo, did you never truly consider yourself as part of their family? Isn't that taking care of children that aren't your own?
Sorry for the questions, but a lot is left out in your story.
I told my wife that I'm not making her choose between her daughter and me but I don't want a baby in my house and I don't know what tomorrow will bring as far as me staying in this relationship.
You are making her choose between you and her daughter. Her daughter is 16. She is still responsible for caring for her daughter despite the pregnancy. If she chooses her daughter you are gone. I hope you're happy with that.
In the words of John Lennon - "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans".
If your wife is your best friend, are you HER best friend? Friends don't bail when the going gets rough or things don't go according to plan. You're already threatening divorce with this situation. What will you do if one of the other kids gets in serious trouble? If your wife comes down with a serious health problem? Your house burns down? All these types of situations disrupt the plans you may have had for your life, but if you are the type of person who runs from problems, your wife is probably better off without you.
Be a man and be the rock your family depends on. Be an example to your stepkids of how a decent man steps up in difficult situations and does the right thing. Making your wife choose between you and her child is putting her in a horrible situation - don't be surprised if she decides to stand by her daughter.
This.
OP, it's called pulling up your adult pants and dealing with life. You're not special. Everyone makes plans. Everyone gets handed unexpected, unwanted, stinky, uncomfortable, obnoxious, unexpected things to deal with.
p.s. You keep referring to it as "my house". Unless your wife is unusually passive, submissive and has signed a pre-nup with advice from a really bad lawyer.... it's her's as well.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 08-06-2014 at 04:59 PM..
OP, you need real-life family crisis counseling ASAP before the situation escalates any further.
I'm not entering the fray over what's right or wrong, just that this situation seems larger than you can handle on your own.
Do whatever it takes -- apologize, whatever -- but consider getting you and your wife to a crisis counselor now. Once that situation is stabilized, then tackle the teen pregnancy as a untied team, as suggested earlier, and you may need a counselor to help walk you through that discussion.
This is not a long-term activity. Just get some crisis counseling so that you don't find yourself in the middle of unnecessary separation/divorce proceedings because you and your wife were hot and said things that would've been better left unsaid. You're both in shock, plus it's a somewhat new marriage -- not a great combination.
Forget your previous ultimatum. You have 2 choices as your wife has made clear that she's going to support her daughter.
You can suck it up, resign yourself to living with the daughter and grandchild for several years and make the best of it. Or, you can get a divorce.
The rest is just details.
BTW, although you can voice an opinion, you have zero say-so in whether the girls has an abortion, puts the baby up for adoption or decides to keep it.
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