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I truly love my wife, we have been there for each other since way before we started dating and we have given each others just about everything we have wanted and dreamed off in the time we have been together with what we have to get by. Divorce is a possibility but it's something I really don't want as I can't picture my life without her.
Your statements are contradictory. If you love her, well... for better or worse, richer or poorer, right? You could step up to the plate & be a strong male influence for your family. Just as an aside, where is the baby's father & his father & your step daughter's bio father? She has 4 men around her, who can & should offer a very strong support system. Maybe you can begin organizing some sort of system for her, her baby & the baby's father, because regardless of their irresponsibility, a baby's coming & deserves love & caring. So does the 16-yr old mom-to-be, even though her judgment hasn't been great... for that reason alone, she obviously needs guidance because do you think she's going to ace being a mom? Probably not.
Alternately, if you're this torn, are changing your mind after signing the marriage contract & are considering rejecting them & not being supportive in any way, get out of their lives asap, so they can move on & you cause less distress in their lives. Why you'd take vows, then not support your wife & family that came with her is certainly disingenuous, if you weren't sure. But, if you certainly can't live with your step's baby, then leave now & don't make their lives miserable because you want to check out every time you see the baby. And, in the future, don't take vows you have no intention of keeping. It's cruel & utilizes poor judgment.
Best of luck to your step daughter & her baby. I hope you all build a strong support system for all involved.
No. When you have minor children, THEY are your first responsibility. Spouses/partners may come and go, but your children are always your children. Once they are 18 - then yes, I agree with you that your allegiance is to your spouse. I also think that when a couple has children TOGETHER, they foster their relationship and together care for the children. But a second marriage with stepchildren - that changes the dynamic a little bit. Not all step parents are good parents. Not all PARENTS are good parents, either, but when you share a child usually you both have that child's best interests as a top priority. In the case of a second marriage, it's up to the biological parent to put their minor children first.
I am very glad to hear that the OP has had a change of heart. I think he will be glad that he gave this marriage a chance to be successful whether it ultimately is or not.
I have to respond to your posts. You are engaging in a lot of all or nothing thinking with your comments. A parent is a person. Parents can and do wear many hats. I am a mother, wife, daughter, team mom, chorus member, accountant and friend. With all of those roles I have a responsibility to a different person or group of people. During concert week, sometimes my kids have to wait. During work hours I don't interact much with my father. That doesn't mean my roles as mother and daughter are not important.
People can and do have more than one important thing in their life. They all need your attention. At times a person has to make a choice between competing priorities. However, the rest of the time a person can, and should, make time for more than one thing in their life. A relationship with a spouse is one of those things that people value. Marriages don't run on autopilot. They need time. They need attention. Children do not take 100% of a parent's time/attention.
No it's not; it's to her husband. Together they are responsible for the kids. Your attitude, IMO, is a big reason for so much divorce.
A woman's priority on her kids has little, if anything to do with the divorce rate.
And yes, most of us moms do hold our children at the top of the list. That doesn't mean that spouse or SO's get ignored, it simply means that there are times when the man is going to have to put on his big boy pants and act like an adult, rather than whining like a baby.
There has been a lot going on lately but one thing that hasnt change is the fact that this boys mother has failed to contact us after numerous text messages and voicemails. It has been 6 days today and we have yet to hear from her or any other adult of that family but they have been harassing my daughter and have been making her feel guilty about her decision now.
Yesterday when I got home from work there was some type of intervention going on between my wife, close family friend that daughter sees as a second mom, a few of her closest friends and myself. I really didn't say anything since I wanted to keep what I had to say between my wife and daughter but I can tell you that my daughters friends where all trying to talk her out of it meaning an abortion. My wife was being supportive and so was the family friend as far as her final choice. I said "I'm not kicking you out of our home if you have this baby and I'm going against everything i believe in to be there for you since you have no idea what is about to come your way. You aren't a little girl anymore and we all would've like it if you had finish school but what is done is done and you will have to grow up a lot quicker now. I can't guarantee what tomorrow will bring but I we will take this on day by day".
We'll little did I knew that apparently the boyfriend had been calling her all day and told her he would leave her when my daughter told him that maybe she should get an abortion (don't know what made her think like that when it looked like she was keeping the baby) and he was treating her crap over text messages and insulting her.... My first reactions where to leave my house and go find this little ****er and make sure he isn't able to breed ever again!! As we where in the group her friends where telling her that this isn't the kind of guy you should have a kid with, how dare him be so so disrespectful to you, he doesn't love you, he's already not sticking by your side so what makes you think he's going to be there for the both of you etc... As these young girls ages 14-16 where telling her all of this I must admit times are changed and this changed my perspective of how I viewed teen girls. My wife then steps in and tells her daughter that no matter what she decides she will have her support on what she decides and hugs her daughter. The girls then goes to my daughters room and then after a while they come down and my daughter tells her mom that the boy kept insulting her and threatens to leaves her so she now wants to proceed with an abortion.
I'm going to fast forward since I'm about to start my shift at work!!!
Since my wife and I have to work our friend asked if my daughter can sleep over her house for a couple of days so that she doesn't stay home alone and has some support around her which we agree that was best to do. For the last 2 days this boy and his mother have been harassing my daughter via text putting fear in her and telling her all sorts of things and that she's even going to hell for getting an abortion. She even told her that her son is stressed out and if something happens to him she is responsible and all kinds of crazy things. It's been really bad and they won't even let her sleep with the constant text messages. I find this highly disturbing that the boys mom would contact my daughter but hasn't even bothered to give as a call or answer our texts at all.
I don't know what today will bring but I believe my wife is going to be calling the authorities because of all the harassment and drama they are putting our daughter thru.
The only posts that I'm ignoring are the ones that people are posting without reading the whole thread. Just to clarify....YES I WAS SCARED ****LESS AND I WAS INCONSIDERATE AND NOT SUPPORTIVE BUT I CAME INTO SENSE THANKS TO THOSE IN HERE WHO SHED SOME LIGHT!!!!
"they won't even let her sleep with the constant text messages"
This statement is not true.
SHE will NOT allow herself to sleep because SHE will NOT turn off the damned cell phone and block all numbers associated with him and his Mother.
Put the blame where it belongs on this issue.
I agree that it is a tough road to go down and if your daughter is smart she will at the very least get away from this guy and his Mother for good whether she keeps the baby or not.
Since she is a minor and he is as well depending on what state you are in he has no legal claims to this baby until after it is born and paternity is tested but that has to be requested through the courts by him.
Also, if she decides to have this baby IF she is smart she will NOT put this guys name on the child's birth certificate and by law she doesn't have to all she has to do is put "Unknown".
I told my wife the same and even asked her why not just change her cell number? My wife's reply was that this was the guy she chose to give herself to so what will changing her number do if she might later call him.
Your statements are contradictory. If you love her, well... for better or worse, richer or poorer, right? You could step up to the plate & be a strong male influence for your family. Just as an aside, where is the baby's father & his father & your step daughter's bio father? She has 4 men around her, who can & should offer a very strong support system. Maybe you can begin organizing some sort of system for her, her baby & the baby's father, because regardless of their irresponsibility, a baby's coming & deserves love & caring. So does the 16-yr old mom-to-be, even though her judgment hasn't been great... for that reason alone, she obviously needs guidance because do you think she's going to ace being a mom? Probably not.
Alternately, if you're this torn, are changing your mind after signing the marriage contract & are considering rejecting them & not being supportive in any way, get out of their lives asap, so they can move on & you cause less distress in their lives. Why you'd take vows, then not support your wife & family that came with her is certainly disingenuous, if you weren't sure. But, if you certainly can't live with your step's baby, then leave now & don't make their lives miserable because you want to check out every time you see the baby. And, in the future, don't take vows you have no intention of keeping. It's cruel & utilizes poor judgment.
Best of luck to your step daughter & her baby. I hope you all build a strong support system for all involved.
Please, please: read this whole thread! In particular, the OP's Post #98. The OP has changed his mind, seen the light and doesn't need to be berated any more. The anger is gone, compassion and love have taken its place.
Everyone: before posting opinions and/or advice or judgmental statements on sensitive threads, it's important to read such threads in their entirety, as things - and people - do change. This is the FOURTH response I have made in this thread alone to this problem.
Please, whatever decision(s) are made, do not let her marry the young man. It would be better if she told the family it isn't even his child. Let them say what they will, but bear in mind, they'll say it anyway. (Ask jersey about that!)
I speak with the voice of experience. I was pregnant at 17. Roe v. Wade was in the distant future and the only option I was offered was to marry. I did so and four years and three children later, I was on the run from the abuse. In time, I was able to stabilize my life, (I never asked for a cent of welfare) and worked my way up from some menial jobs to positions of responsibility in the medical field. My children were all well-behaved, well-educated. I married again, to a man who accepted all responsibility for the boys, including the two we had together.
But while I love my sons, I would have preferred if they had all been born into a stable relationship.
Taking the advice of a group of 14-16 year old friends is not the wisest course of action. The discussions should be serious ones, held in private with you, your wife and your daughter. Try to be as supportive as you can. Try to encourage her to make rational decisions leaving emotion out of it. If she's leaning toward abortion, it would be wise to decide fairly soon. Adoption? She'll need counseling. Keeping the baby? You all should get counseling.
Meantime, try not to judge her. After all, her Mom was once in the same situation and you married her.
Kudos on your change of heart and good luck to all of you.
SadDad, I am so sorry that your family is being harassed by these people. Please tell your daughter to block their messages. She sounds very inconsistent in her attitude towards them and the boyfriend. Perhaps her mother, or the lady who is assisting your family, could help her work through her mixed emotions, which may be intensified by the pregnancy hormonal changes.
I don't think now is the time for her young friends to chime in, as immaturity and self-centeredness are frequently encountered hallmarks of 14 to 16 year old girls, along with lack of knowledge and limited insight. No doubt they are pressuring her, and that's not helpful in the least. If they show up again, just tell them it's not a good time to visit, and show them the door.
One thing, however - if these young girls are so sure that having a baby will ruin your daughter's life, have they thought about adoption rather than abortion?
Your daughter needs to make her own decision, without pressure and with full knowledge of her options and the likely outcome of each of those options. I am glad you and her mother are being supportive.
Her mom's friend sounds like a Godsend, too - taking your daughter in for a few days should allow the situation to simmer down. A little breathing spell sounds like just what the doctor ordered.
And speaking of the doctor, has your daughter seen a doctor to find out just how far along she is and to check on her general health? if not, have her schedule an appointment asap.
One thing which struck me was that your daughter says that if she has an abortion, the bad-news boyfriend will leave her. Is she aware that most people have several serious relationships after the age of sixteen, and that very few first loves are last loves? Is he her first boyfriend? It sounds like she is still emotionally attached to and perhaps emotionally dependent on this boy, whose behavior, along with that of his family, has been controlling to the point of bullying and threatening. If so, she has greater problems than teenage pregnancy.
So - let her spend a few days with the supportive friend, keep her away from her girlfriends, and have a little talk with her.
What does she envision as the best possible outcome of her relationship with this boy? Marriage? Long-term romance? Does she expect him to support her and their child, or does she expect to support him and the baby, or does she foresee them both being on welfare in the years ahead? Or does she expect you and your wife to support all three of them?
Does she realize that she is going to change and mature in the years ahead, and that sixteen is still very, very young? Does she still hope to attend college? How does the boy figure into that plan?
Good luck with sorting out all these complications. It sounds as if your daughter is receiving inappropriate pressure from several sources, so do what you can to quash it and allow her to focus on making decisions that are informed, and her own.
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