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Old 08-06-2014, 07:30 AM
 
17 posts, read 26,468 times
Reputation: 99

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I desperately need some advice here since I really don't want to be a part of housing a pregnant minor. 4 years into this new relationship I had a family meeting and I specifically said to my step kids & son that they will have a home until the age of 24 as long as they don't come home pregnant (stepdaughter) and they don't get anyone pregnant (stepson & son from previous marriage). We'll my stepdaughter has always been the brave one and has done things that no1 has ever done before and now she's pregnant!!! For the last two days I've been really stressful and her mom (my newly wed wife) is a mess. We had a conversation yesterday in which I found out that the 16 yr old is keeping the baby (so far) and trying to stay in our house. I told my wife that I don't know if I can handle a baby in my house that isn't our baby. My wife and I talked about having a baby but with our schedule and our lack of time spent together I realized before I married her that there's a strong chance we couldn't have a baby of our own. I'm in my early 30's and I would've live to have a baby with her since all I have is just one son.... I knew this before marrying her and I accepted the possibility of not having anymore babies ever. Having giving up our wants and needs now we get this bombshell from this stupid teen that shows no freaking remorse for her actions. I told my wife that I'm not making her choose between her daughter and me but I don't want a baby in my house and I don't know what tomorrow will bring as far as me staying in this relationship.

We bought a house 3 years ago for the 5 of us and when I married her I chose to be there for her and care for her kids but never would I imagine that her baby would be having a baby at 16. I don't know what to do at all.... This young girl barely know how to clean her room so how is she supposed to care for a baby? I really don't want her in my house when the symptoms come and especially when the baby comes. Her father is a pos who lives with his momma at the age of 44+ so it's not like there's room for her in there and the baby father is 17 and he and his parents are shacking up with his sister in a 2 bedroom apt living off welfare and whatever the system has to offer. He's been texting my wife telling her that he will care for both of them but he's whole family is on welfare and basically homeless!!

Since my wife is my best friend and she's the one who has always been there for me and the light that shines my path I couldn't help but to come clean with all my feelings and I told her that this whole ordeal can break our marriage. No matter how much I try I just can't accept a baby at home that isn't our own. We get by financially but that's just it... Who do you think is going to buy formula, diapers, take time off from work to help her, get her to the doctors and etc? I don't want my wife to go thru that as she was a teen mom herself and I was planning for our future of finally doing things like vacationing, honeymoon, going out to diner, movies and etc without her kids texting her all the damn time. My wife is due for a good life stress free and I really feel that she will end up raising this baby even-though she says that won't happen.

What can I do to overcome something that I'm so against of doing? If I break this rule for my stepdaughter that means that I would have to do the same for my stepson and son. I really just want her out of my house or I can leave them the house.
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Old 08-06-2014, 07:42 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,123 posts, read 17,674,374 times
Reputation: 22485
well have you considered a marriage counselor ? why in the world would you step into a marriage knowing this was a possibility of one of the kids coming home to their mother this way ? it happens and how you deal with it is everything and if you cant handle it then maybe you and she should part ways yes divorce sorry but that is just an option that is open at this point . I think you both need to just sit down and talk about the situation and if you don't see any way of resolving it then I think you know that divorce is the only way .
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Old 08-06-2014, 07:48 AM
 
Location: MMU->ABE->ATL->ASH
9,006 posts, read 16,152,680 times
Reputation: 9676
You may want to read thru this thread :
How to deal with a pregnant teen
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Old 08-06-2014, 07:48 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,160 posts, read 37,787,675 times
Reputation: 73906
I'm trying to do the math here.

You say you're in your early 30s, and your stepdaughter is 16??? Is that right?

How old is your wife? Was your wife a teen mom too?
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Old 08-06-2014, 07:56 AM
 
15,762 posts, read 13,195,357 times
Reputation: 19651
Of course you told your wife to choose between her pregnant daughter and you. What else does " I can't accept a baby that isn't my own" and "this will break our marriage" mean besides get rid of pregnant teen or we are over.

If you are a family, and not all stepfamilies are, than you figure it out. Sometimes with professional help sometimes on your own. But if your response is to threaten the entire marriage over this I would drop you like a hot potato as clearly you are not in it for better or WORSE but rather just for better.
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Old 08-06-2014, 07:59 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,731,184 times
Reputation: 14499
If she's 16, you can't just kick her out. You have no choice in the matter here unless you send her off to a home for unwed mothers if such a thing still exists. You are responsible to keep a roof over her head, keep her fed and clothed whether that's at your house or someone else's. She's a minor.

As her step father you have two choices. Go along with what your wife decides or leave. This is you step daughter and you have no jurisdiction over her. Either support your wife or don't. Choose one. If this is a deal breaker, then it's a deal breaker.

I have a pregnant 19 year old I'm struggling with. These are not easy decisions. One of my fears is if I support my pregnant 19 year old her younger sister will think it's ok to have a baby as an unwed, uneducated, and unemployed teen. If she's out on the street I fear for the baby. There is no winning here. You have to accept that. You are going to lose one way or the other. You either lose in that you accept a baby into the household or you lose your marriage. Take your pick. I'm in the same boat only my dd is of legal age to kick out. I'm not legally responsible for her anymore.
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Old 08-06-2014, 08:04 AM
 
17 posts, read 26,468 times
Reputation: 99
Phonelady61, I was fully aware of the possibility of this happening at some point in our lives. She has 2 boys and 1 girl that all where pretty much straight A honor roll students in magnet and technical schools. Never once had the thought of her daughter coming home pregnant before graduating school had crossed our minds. Her mom would have numerous conversations with her about sex and her future education after graduating school. I personally would like to think that my wife did everything possible to prevent something like this from happening. Her 2 oldest boys graduated school and the oldest has been living by himself continuing his education on his own. The second oldest lives with us as he just graduated school and has a part time job for the time being. I don't think any parent would ever think that their educated straight A student will come home pregnant at such a young age and that was our down fall.

I truly love my wife, we have been there for each other since way before we started dating and we have given each others just about everything we have wanted and dreamed off in the time we have been together with what we have to get by. Divorce is a possibility but it's something I really don't want as I can't picture my life without her.
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Old 08-06-2014, 08:07 AM
 
4,787 posts, read 8,771,215 times
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Yes, the OP indicated that his wife was also a teen mom. I concur with the others who have suggested counseling because I don't see how this situation is going to work.

Legally you can't put your minor step daughter out. That means you are stuck with her and baby likely until she is at least 18 or probably longer.

Having the girl and her child in your household will be a major, long term strain both financially and emotionally. If the girl is as immature as you indicate she will expect you and your wife to help take care of the baby, be baby sitters, etc.

If you decide to leave, do it now, early in the marriage, before you get more entangled in the behavior of your and your wife's children
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Old 08-06-2014, 08:10 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,499 posts, read 15,961,355 times
Reputation: 38888
What a sad situation.

Yes, your family should go to a counselor and get professional help facing the news and deciding what to do.

I have heard of too many situations where the teenager vows that they will take full responsibility for child care, expenses and raising the child on their own but immediately dumps all of the work on her parents while she continues to party and live the fun life of a teenager.

One of my relatives was faced with a similar situation and the parents of the teens put full responsibility on the parents of the new baby. They were married at age 16, moved into their own tiny apartment and the father of the baby went to work full time. Together with his wages and various programs such as healthy food programs for low income mothers & children (WIC) and other government programs --- plus minimal financial support from both sets of grandparents it turned out well. The baby's grandparents paid for technical school for the father and he got a better job so that he could pay all the bills himself (with his bride working part time) and they were off of public assistance within a few years. Both teens were quite immature & nave in the beginning but really "stepped up".

I know someone from my teenage years that had a baby at age 18 and continued to live at home but also took 100% care & responsibility for her child. She ended up getting a full time job about two months after the baby was born and the baby's father provided child care while she worked. Her parents helped a little, but helped as "grand parents" not as primary care givers/parents.

OTHO, I know another family where both of the biological parents totally refused to do anything for their child (after promising to be responsible parents during the entire pregnancy) and the biological grandparents ended up adopted the child & raised her as a much younger sibling to her biological father. The baby's mother completely took off shortly after the birth and (I believe) never even saw the child again (after promising to everyone that she would be a full-time mother & raise her child throughout her entire pregnancy).

So, depending on the people involved the situation can be manageable or not very manageable at all.

PS. Several posters have stated that the parents are legally responsible for supporting the daughter until she turns 18.

That may be correct, however, once she actually has a child that may legally change her status as a minor (probably depends on your state laws). Morally, you may still feel that you need to support her but the legal requirement to do so may change. And, legally, you & your wife probably have absolutely no responsibility for supporting her daughter's baby (moral responsibility is something different than legal responsibility).

Last edited by germaine2626; 08-06-2014 at 08:28 AM..
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Old 08-06-2014, 08:14 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,160 posts, read 37,787,675 times
Reputation: 73906
I'm going to post what I wrote on JerseyT's teen mom thread, and it happens to be the path she ended up taking.

"I am sorry this has happened. It is not the typical future most parents envision for their kids and themselves.

Assuming your step-daughter wants to keep the baby...

The only situations like this that I've personally witnessed that worked out WELL for all parties was one in which the grandparents stay involved daily.

I've had one friend who booted their 18-year-old daughter when she became pregnant. The couple split up, the daughter could not cover all her bills and ended up moving in with HER grandmother. The entire family suffers to this day.

I've had two other friends who realized that this was their new normal: Their daughter was now pregnant with their grandchild, and the future they had in mind was no more.

They focused less on blame and more on survival. Because getting by on your own can be SO expensive, they both encouraged the daughter to stay in their home. They helped with prenatal and child care. Both daughters got jobs and contributed. The baby's father's were encouraged to be involved as well.

One daughter now is in her 30s and has a good job. They both are doing well. The daughter in the other family was able to finish college and married her boyfriend. They still are together.

This will be a very hard time for you. Siblings get a real-life lesson in choices and consequences ... but hopefully without shame and blame. Try to see that this is your child and grandchild, and this is now not a question of morality and what they "should" do but really a question of what families have to do to get by in this world."

OP, I honestly think that you are going to have to be the adult in this situation and get used to your new normal. The honeymoon is over. Time for YOU to be a light for your wife's and step-daughter's path.

Last edited by BirdieBelle; 08-06-2014 at 08:25 AM.. Reason: typo
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