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Children at a wedding and children at home or out with their parents in public are two completely different scenarios and should be treated as such.
I was always much more attentive to my children at a wedding simply because it was a wedding which for children can be very dull and offers them little interesting stimulation.
Thankfully my children would not have eaten the chicken nuggets because they would rather have real food that is good for you so they would have had what the adults were eating or salad, raw vegetables, fresh fruit, etc.
I don't think the few weddings we attended made my children expect instant gratification because it was a special day not a normal part of their lives.
Thankfully my children would not have eaten the chicken nuggets because they would rather have real food that is good for you so they would have had what the adults were eating or salad, raw vegetables, fresh fruit, etc.
What if chicken nuggets were what was served to all children without exceptions? Would you have expected your children to get the more expense plates the adults were eating? Would you have spoken up and demanded special treatment for your children? Even if you got the adult meals for your children without fanfare, is it being considerate to ask for something different when the hosts might have chosen to provide children's meals to stay within a certain budget?
I'm just tossing out these thoughts wondering how far we can go as quests before our catering to our kids becomes rude to the hosts. I don't think I would dare to ask for an adult plate if children's meals were being served to all children, but I probably would have served my children fruits and vegies from the appetizer table.
OP,
I had a similar upbringing to yours, in that my parents taught us self-control, manners, and deference to authority from a very early age. My siblings and I all learned their lessons well. So I understand where you are coming from.
I am bringing up my children the same way, and do receive compliments on their good behavior. However, they are still children and are not perfect. As someone else said, they are a work in progress at ages 5-9. Although they are usually well-behaved and obedient, they do sometimes behave inappropriately if they are in an unfamiliar setting, spill things, forget to say "Thank you," etc. So I always watch them like a hawk to make sure they are behaving when we are in public, and try to keep any disruptions to a minimum.
Some children are more disruptive than others, for a variety of reasons that don't always have to do with lack of training on the part of the parents, e.g., autism, ADHD, etc. I think those parents are right to do whatever they need to, to control their children.
However, it's not always a matter of preemptively appeasing out-of-control children. Raising children is a continuous thing. Even when you think they've learned something, they can surprise you by making a mistake. You have to be on top of them at all times. If I were at a wedding with my children, I too would be watching more carefully than usual to make sure that there were no problems. Teaching a child self-control is a long, repetitive, and difficult process. It takes them a while to get it. Therefore, I think extra vigilance is called for on a special occasion to ensure that all guests have a good time.
I thought that's what parents are supposed to do. I think you are being harsh in condemning the parents at the wedding.
I don't think a wedding is a fair indication of how parents usually act. Children + weddings aren't always a good combination.
It makes perfect sense to me that they were doing all they could to make certain their children weren't disruptive in any way.
I'm sure the bride and groom appreciated it. And honestly, who else should be catering to their needs at an affair like that?
Just what I was thinking.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mnseca
I think they wanted to avoid being the subject of a post entitled "Annoying kids throwing tantrums at a wedding!"
Exactly, especially since that is the subject of many a wedding column.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes
What if chicken nuggets were what was served to all children without exceptions? Would you have expected your children to get the more expense plates the adults were eating? Would you have spoken up and demanded special treatment for your children? Even if you got the adult meals for your children without fanfare, is it being considerate to ask for something different when the hosts might have chosen to provide children's meals to stay within a certain budget?
I'm just tossing out these thoughts wondering how far we can go as quests before our catering to our kids becomes rude to the hosts. I don't think I would dare to ask for an adult plate if children's meals were being served to all children, but I probably would have served my children fruits and vegies from the appetizer table.
Generally, one indicates what meal one wants, if not a buffet, e.g. chicken, beef, fish, kid's meal, vegetarian, etc. My 12 yr old grand-niece had a regular chicken dinner at my daughter's wedding. Some of the younger kids had kids' meals. There's not enough difference in the price of the meals to make a significant difference in the cost of the wedding.
This is going to sound harsh but I got pretty tired of my kids saying "ew" at dinners I made when they were small.
I got so fed up that I went on strike. They got peanut butter and jelly sandwiches each night for dinner after that. That was my plan. I went to work the next day and working in the CJ field around many others from different agency backgrounds, I inquired if I could get in trouble for that. Those from CPS said no and that it was perfectly nutritious. The psychologists asked what I had been giving them prior to my strike. I told them and they believed that although it sounded delicious but just not to kids. They did advise to serve more kid friendly foods like nuggets and hot dogs, etc.
My strike lasted only 3 days. They couldn't stand the peanut butter dinners and begged for the real food I continued to cook for my husband and myself.
Kids will eat what you give them. Some kids just won't. They don't palate different foods. I made my kids try things and then make a decision. I have two that eat just about anything and one that is picky.
I would hover my kids more at a wedding just to be sure they weren't being annoying. Although I love kids, I wouldn't want them at a reception. That's just me.
One of mine was a flower girl once. She did great for the wedding and then I took her home to a sitter for the reception.
I don't think judging parents from a wedding is a good indication of what kind of parents they are. Give them a break. They were probably just trying to be considerate.
I don't think a wedding is a fair indication of how parents usually act. Children + weddings aren't always a good combination.
It makes perfect sense to me that they were doing all they could to make certain their children weren't disruptive in any way.
I'm sure the bride and groom appreciated it. And honestly, who else should be catering to their needs at an affair like that?
Exactly! You don't have to "hover" over them at home or on play dates, but at weddings they have to be on their best behaviour. This is just common curtesy for the bride and groom. It is their day to shine.
If a parent has to "hover" over them to keep them quiet, and help them with their meals, then who are you to criticize? I'm the FIRST one to criticize the parents of an unruly, tired cranky child at a wedding that should be taken home and tucked into bed. I'm also the FIRST one to criticize the parents when their "cute little kiddies" take over the whole dance floor doing jumps, piroettes, rolling on the floor and racing back and forth. I once saw a man fall over backwards while backing up during a dance when a child was kneeling on the floor behind him. That is just dangerous for all parties involved.
IMO, if children can't be kept entertained and stay well behaved after the meal is over, then the parents should either take them home themselves, or arrange for a sitter to pick them up and take them home to bed.
My mom was just not any kind of literary stereotype mom, but she taught me manners that I and my husband passed down to our kids as well.
I still didn't leave them alone at a table at a wedding or large function while they were small. The OP's logic is flawed. Getting stuff for your kids at a wedding =/= "children expecting immediate gratification for ALL things."
I am reminded of one of my "life experiences". A friend and I took our almost 3 year olds to see "Disney on Ice". It was about an hour's drive down to Denver, then about a two hour show. Afterward, we drove about 10 minutes to a McDonald's. We sat way in back. Unfortunately this Mac's did not have a play area. The kids started acting a little silly, though they weren't being loud, or disruptive. They were pushing the high chairs around and laughing. A couple of older women were "tsk-tsk-ing" about their behavior, predicting a life of crime and communism for them, complaining about "parents these days", etc. I told my mom about it and she said that kids don't behave any worse than they ever did, but when these women had kids people didn't take their kids out in public as much. It was a very good thing to hear.
But if children were taught to use self control at home, then why wouldn't they be able to be as controlled and patient while being guests at a wedding? Where's the consistency? And after all, it was the bride's day. Either the child has self control or they do not.
And what is wrong with the children being at the bottom of household's pecking order? They are certainly not equal in rank to their parents. I read somewhere and I agree, parents shouldn't make the mistake of bargaining or trying to reason with young children. The love is there anyway. But I think that having respect for the parent and the other adults in the family should come first. For instance, if a family is trying to decide where to go for vacation, everyone's input is important, but ultimately it's the parents who get to decide where they go to. After all, it's the parents paying the bills. Not all decisions are best made by a democratic vote.
Anyway, if your child can't pass the marshmallow test, then you need to teach them how to. Impulse control is important. It helped me when I was young and first dating. lol. And it will help later on when they are young adults with credit cards.
And while they are young, as soon as they get their own cellphone, parents should be more stringent about cellphone use and teach then to put it away at certain times and not respond to it right away. And marshmallow test training will help with that.
I think this has been explained, but I'll reiterate. A wedding is a big affair, maybe a bigger group than the child has ever seen before. People are laughing, drinking, having a great old time. Kids may not have seen adults acting like this, at least en masse, before. It's a little early to worry about dating behavior (I'm assuming these kids at the wedding were elementary school age) or credit cards. They're probably not going to grow up to a life of crime (and communism).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes
It's unnecessary if they taught their children proper behavior and impulse control long before attending a wedding.
People in my region only use those rooms for babies. With a congregation of 10k and a baby room that only holds 20 people, parents would stand out if they had children older than babies in the baby room. I mentioned Catholic Mass because many denominations send their children away during services, but Catholic children do sit through services starting at a very young age. My experience is that transcends easily to weddings, funerals, and longer events. Many children are capable of behaving at weddings even though there is music, unknown food (really? LOL), uncomfortable clothing, etc. Sadly, many of today's parents are simply not teaching them how to do so.
At my church, we have a nursery for kids up to age 5. Use of it is optional, but it's acknowledgement that kids of that age sometimes have a hard time sitting still quietly for an hour. The church where I grew up, in your area, has a nursery as well, and I think they're fairly common in Protestant churches.
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu
The parallel is that parents aren't helping their children practice self control. Not one of them tried to encourage their child to behave. The parents seemed to be anticipating problems when perhaps the children would have been fine. And when the childrens plates would be delivered to the tables, instead of just letting it be set down like a normal plate of food, the parents would gush and make it seem like a special event. It's just chicken nuggets, not a birthday present.
And why reward fussing or fidgety behaviour with treats or toys?
BTW while I am not a fan of children, I am very pleasant to the ones I encounter. Actually, some of my friends have commented that children really like me. And they think that it's because I look them in the eye and treat them with respect. I don't talk down to them or talk in cutesy baby talk.
Anyway, please teach your children to use self control and discipline. It's really a good thing.
No, it's probably b/c you don't like kids. Like cats, kids can sense that and bug their detractors.
As an aside....what I'd like to see is a reverse test, perhaps the Spinach Test (or whatever grosses them out). Show the children an ice cream cone and tell them that to get it they have to eat a spoonful of spinach within 10 seconds. :-)
LOL, isn't that sort of the whole concept of desert after dinner? That's how my mother used it anyway and it didn't usually work if it was something disgusting like liver or lima beans, Nope, not even for my favorite desert in the whole world would I touch those things!
On topic- perhaps what OP decided was hovering was simply parents who are still in the process of teaching their children self control, as it IS an ongoing process for quite a while. What ages are we talking anyway? Helping a four year old or six year with behavior should probably be expected, nine or ten years maybe not so much.
The whole marshmallow test really doesn't indicate much of anything as far as behavior goes. We performed a version of this test on my kids when they were little, Daughter always went for the instant gratification, and son was always quite willing to wait for the bigger payoff later.
Daughter was always the quiet, well behaved child. Son had adhd and really struggled to control himself until he was at least nine or ten (and to be honest even as an adult he still has some issues with sitting quietly for hours at a time, fingers will be snapping, toes tapping, feet jiggling, Something!). So while I didn't cater or coddle I did do some hovering to make sure I was there to calm his behavior if it started to become unacceptable for the occasion. Shame on me?
LOL, isn't that sort of the whole concept of desert after dinner? That's how my mother used it anyway and it didn't usually work if it was something disgusting like liver or lima beans, Nope, not even for my favorite desert in the whole world would I touch those things!
On topic- perhaps what OP decided was hovering was simply parents who are still in the process of teaching their children self control, as it IS an ongoing process for quite a while. What ages are we talking anyway? Helping a four year old or six year with behavior should probably be expected, nine or ten years maybe not so much.
The whole marshmallow test really doesn't indicate much of anything as far as behavior goes. We performed a version of this test on my kids when they were little, Daughter always went for the instant gratification, and son was always quite willing to wait for the bigger payoff later.
Daughter was always the quiet, well behaved child. Son had adhd and really struggled to control himself until he was at least nine or ten (and to be honest even as an adult he still has some issues with sitting quietly for hours at a time, fingers will be snapping, toes tapping, feet jiggling, Something!). So while I didn't cater or coddle I did do some hovering to make sure I was there to calm his behavior if it started to become unacceptable for the occasion. Shame on me?
No, not shame on you! Good for you, to recognize individual differences.
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The bold shows the problem with reading about one experiment and generalizing one's parenting style on it. Did anyone replicate this study? Did they get the same results? Was the group controlled for X, Y, and Z? How many kids were tested? Etc,etc,etc.
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