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Old 08-11-2014, 02:24 PM
 
32,538 posts, read 29,443,527 times
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"Hi. Remember me? We worked together but you didn't ask me out. And we didn't get to know each other very well. Heck I don't even know you well enough to know your thoughts on sperm donation and unwed mothers. But never mind all that. I want a baby. And I picked you since you're good looking, smart and have personality plus. I have money. I'll pay you for your sperm. And, not to worry, my therapist said it would be a good idea."

Don't expect The Chosen One to react well. Sorry.

Last edited by DewDropInn; 08-11-2014 at 02:51 PM..
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Old 08-11-2014, 02:28 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 38,021,426 times
Reputation: 61854
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose_Pedal989 View Post
I would be forced to accept his decision, but honestly I would be devastated. I've spent so much time thinking about the prospects. It would take some time to come to grips with everything, but I'd have to go back to the drawing board and consider other options.

I think you should find a new therapist because the current one is doing you no good at all.

There is no perfect anyone or anything and the "ideal" you have of Motherhood and being a single parent is not even remotely close to the reality of it all.
It is downright frightening that you state you "would be devastated" if he refuses when you don't even actually know this man outside of a few times working together in a professional setting.
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Old 08-11-2014, 02:30 PM
 
12,943 posts, read 19,885,336 times
Reputation: 34075
I think you seem capable of raising a child as a single parent, and I completely get the reasons you want to proceed. But, I agree with the others as far as asking this man with the traits you admire to be part of the process. Use a sperm bank.
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Old 08-11-2014, 02:37 PM
46H
 
853 posts, read 481,960 times
Reputation: 1605
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose_Pedal989 View Post

I do have a number of close male relatives who can function as role models, if I have a male child. Although my preference is to have a little girl, I'd be happy with a little boy too.
Here is a hint - girls need a father too and not just "role" models. The fact that you don't understand this is a big red flag.

You are delusional if you think this guy will donate.
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Old 08-11-2014, 02:39 PM
 
5,691 posts, read 5,139,716 times
Reputation: 10202
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose_Pedal989 View Post

I have already mentioned that sperm banks are unpredictable. Surely, one can read about a great guy or examine whatever image the sperm bank provides, but there's nothing like experiencing it in the flesh. Since I've come across such a good catch, I thought it would be best to try my luck and see if he would even entertain the idea. I doubt that he will, but I want to try.
Honestly so is real life. You get no guarantees no matter where the sperm comes from. If you pick a sperm bank with a good reputation and the proper certifications you'd then hope for the best. All you are doing now is looking at this man's outward personality and his pedigree and doing the same thing, hoping for the best. One is not inherently less risky than the other.

The advantage to a sperm bank is that guy won't sue you for custody down the road, or at least won't ever pop up wanting to be part of the child's life after a change of heart. He won't run screaming from you (and possibly telling professional colleagues about your request - or perhaps his pissed-off girlfriend would tell) after you ask. But, your kid can never look up his/or her biological father down the road if desired either, so there's that.

Honestly since you know he's not likely to say yes, you really should look at the sperm bank thing again, or at least think through other methods (taking out an ad maybe? I dunno) to finding a suitable dad.
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Old 08-11-2014, 02:41 PM
 
Location: New York NY
4,146 posts, read 5,984,526 times
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OP I hope you realize, as others have said here, that there are absolutely NO guarantees about what sort of a child you will have, whether its from you and a husband, you and a sperm donor, or a kid you've adopted. I worry that you have this idea that you will be getting the "best shot" at the perfect kid with this 27-year-old's sperm. There is no best shot. It's all a gamble, no matter how much you prepare or what you know of the biological parents. Perfectly healthy, financially secure, and well-adjusted parents have kids who turn out to be sociopaths, autistic, deaf, or any number of other less-than-preferred outcomes.

I also hope you've carefully thought through the difference between giving birth -- which sounds like something you desperately want -- and raising a child, which is something completely different. Do you really want both those things or just the former? Frankly, it's the raising of the kid that makes him (or her) yours. After you've walked the floor with him at night, changed the diapers, rearranged your life to make the parent-teacher school conferences and watch the school plays or concerts or whatever else he's in, made sure he's with the right kids growing up, taught him to drive, steered him away from drugs, and paid for his college education, that child is YOURS! He (or she) will always think of you as Mom, no matter how she got into the world and into your home.

Yes, I would consider adoption first. I know two black single Moms, also with biological clocks ticking and no husband on the horizon, who did this and have no regrets. They started as foster parents to see how they and the kids got along, and eventually made the decision to adopt those kids after they felt comfortable with them and vice-versa. And as has been stated, there are too many black children in foster care already, most of who would probably thrive in the sort of home you say you can offer.

Good luck to you if you're intent on giving birth. Maybe the young man will agree to this after you ask him, however you decide to do that. And FWIW, I think a video is a lousy idea. Ask him in person, practice your pitch first, and hope for the best, but also be ready for rejection.

But giving birth is a lot easier than actually raising a kid. Good luck with that part and I hope God's got your back.
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Old 08-11-2014, 02:56 PM
 
7,245 posts, read 12,703,352 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose_Pedal989 View Post
Admittedly, some people are just out of other people's leagues. There is nothing wrong with admitting the truth. Although I am usually described as "cute" (on my good days), I seriously doubt that he is romantically interested, otherwise we'd obviously already be together.

I am very practical. My therapist knows that I have no desire to trap this man into being a father or my love interest for that matter. I simply greatly respect and admire him. He embodies perfection on so many levels, (if there's even such a thing).

I have already mentioned that sperm banks are unpredictable. Surely, one can read about a great guy or examine whatever image the sperm bank provides, but there's nothing like experiencing it in the flesh. Since I've come across such a good catch, I thought it would be best to try my luck and see if he would even entertain the idea. I doubt that he will, but I want to try.
If you're so practical, then why do you have a therapist? That's one of the things I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around... Your therapist isn't helping you question this whole deal? S/he hasn't question your idealization of this "perfect" man?

Sperm banks aren't anymore predictable than what you'd get from this guy. But it's a lot safer... And more professional. Did you even think in that term? Are you really looking to crossing that line of professionalism? Once he says no, how are either of you going to get over that awkwardness, especially when you guys don't seem to really have a relationship where you can truly get the other's intent?

If you absolutely have to ask... Don't do the video. I can only imagine disastrous results, like him using that as evidence of sexual harassment.
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Old 08-11-2014, 03:21 PM
 
Location: Ohio
5,627 posts, read 4,673,387 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose_Pedal989 View Post
I would be forced to accept his decision, but honestly I would be devastated. I've spent so much time thinking about the prospects. It would take some time to come to grips with everything, but I'd have to go back to the drawing board and consider other options.
Like a sperm bank?
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Old 08-11-2014, 03:27 PM
 
Location: Planet Earth
2,768 posts, read 2,324,513 times
Reputation: 4957
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but there's no way to ever quite know what you're getting.

Sincerely,
The mother of an out-of-the-blue disabled child born to two healthy, married parents
I am glad I read your post...some of the posts sound like eugenics...sickening. You are not ordering the perfect pizza, it's a frickin child.
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Old 08-11-2014, 03:36 PM
 
Location: My House
33,305 posts, read 27,090,258 times
Reputation: 24616
OP?

He's going to say no.

He only worked with you for a short time, by the sound of it. He's not a friend of yours, nor is he an ex with whom you have a good relationship.

He's pretty much an acquaintance. A young, handsome, intelligent acquaintance. He can marry and have kids with a partner, no doubt. Unless you've run across a man who has ZERO intentions of ever fathering his own child and is sitting around considering vasectomy but you just caught him before he went in for surgery would this even have a slight chance of panning out.

I had my eldest child as a single mom. It was completely by accident. He's great, btw. I did fine, even though I was a college student. I later married and had 2 more kids. That marriage ended in divorce, and I did eventually remarry and am still married. My husband is a great stepdad.

Here's my point, though... there was a time between my eldest kid and my marriage when I was single and one of my very best friends (he's gay) really doted on my eldest son (who was a toddler at the time). My friend and I were really close and he loved kids. He knew he wouldn't have any of his own, being a gay man. He was smart, he was good-looking. All the things you'd want in a father.

He and I used to jokingly swear that if I was not married by 30, we'd get married and have some more kids. And I think that very well could have been how it went, though we surely would've had an unconventional family.

My point being, unless you have such a friend as the one I described, or you have an ex that you are very good friends with who never had kids?

You don't really have a good chance at finding a sperm donor that you know personally that will meet your criteria.

The sperm bank is a reasonable place to look, truly.

If you like this guy, just ask him out and see if he'll go. Maybe he likes older women with successful careers.

But, don't alienate the poor guy asking for his sperm. You don't really even know him yet.
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