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Old 08-13-2014, 01:58 PM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
84,960 posts, read 98,795,031 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
This is beyond disgusting. Get off your arse and take your kid to the ER!!!
The ER may not be the right place, unless it's a pediatric ER. Of course, if the mom can't get an appt., the ER is the next best choice. I would not go to an urgent care in a Walgreen's or grocery store.

Last edited by Jaded; 08-14-2014 at 10:30 AM..
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Old 08-13-2014, 01:58 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,026 posts, read 37,656,456 times
Reputation: 73631
Quote:
Originally Posted by ADVentive View Post
It is a bit unnerving that everyone on the internet is saying one thing while everyone in real life is saying another. But keep in mind that the people in real life are the ones who actually know my daughter, so maybe that plays into their response.
What does this part mean? ^^^ Who in real life have you discussed this with? Do you mean just the teachers and counselor?

We discussed inappropriate touching in our family several times over the years. My three kids have NEVER once brought up anything about someone touching them inappropriately, even in a joking way. If they had, though, I would not have surveyed the extended family and friends about it. I would have taken it very seriously.

I guess I am trying to figure out if this is something you are not very surprised about. You haven't mentioned why your daughter is in special ed. It would have bearing on this situation. Something about your approach to this problem is ... off, and I can't tell if it is because you are leaving out info.

Also, is she attending a public school?
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Old 08-13-2014, 02:01 PM
 
Location: Hillsborough
2,825 posts, read 5,953,202 times
Reputation: 2620
Yesterday, after talking to both the teacher and the guidance counselor, neither thought it was necessary to bring her to the doctor. The internet said I should. I called the doctor and asked them if they thought I should bring her in. That's where I was at that time. It was all still very fresh, and I was trying to sort out what to do. Since then, last night she mentioned the incident again, and I do think that she has some pain, therefore I am more interested in bringing her to the doctor as the internet suggests.

My husband says to me, why did you even ask on the internet? Who cares what random internet people think? Why don't you listen to the actual people in our lives (teacher, couselor, doctor)? I told him that I asked for advice and ideas, but that I don't have to accept all of their suggestions (ie spanking her for lying), but that if they have an idea that does make sense I can follow up on that. The internet has been pretty adamant that she needs to see the doctor, and you have given me reason to think that is right so I'm going to pursue that. I don't think she needs to go to the ER or anything (again, I don't have to accept all suggestions!), but I am going to get her to a doctor. If I knew everything on my own, I wouldn't have had to ask for advice. I am willing to admit that I do not know everything on my own. I have been a mom for 8 years, and a woman for 36, but I have never had any experience with accusations of molestation or anything, so no, I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do as soon as it comes up. Some people want to think it's cut and dry - duh, take her to the doctor ASAP - but obviously it is not so straightforward as that is not the advice that I've gotten from those in real life.

There are some people here who have been quite harsh with me about the situation, some accusing me of lying, others of being a bad mother. I know, that's what you are going to get when you go to the internet. I'm just trying to do the best I can with the information I have. Asking here is just one way to get more information so that I can make better choices.
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Old 08-13-2014, 02:12 PM
 
Location: Hillsborough
2,825 posts, read 5,953,202 times
Reputation: 2620
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
I guess I am trying to figure out if this is something you are not very surprised about. You haven't mentioned why your daughter is in special ed. It would have bearing on this situation. Something about your approach to this problem is ... off, and I can't tell if it is because you are leaving out info.

Also, is she attending a public school?
She is attending public school. She is in kindergarten. She attends a general education class, which is where she is in class with this boy. She also gets pulled out to special ed for 90 minutes per day 4 days per week. In addition to that, she gets pulled out for 30 minutes each day 4 days per week for either speech, OT, or PT. On Fridays, she stays in her general education class all day. Our school is on a year-round schedule, and she is in her 5th week of school now. She does not have a specific diagnosis at this time besides "developmentally delayed", but she is delayed globally in pretty much all domains - cognitive, social, gross motor, fine motor, speech, adaptive. I guess I haven't mentioned all that specifically in this thread, but I have talked about it many times in other threads.

I don't know what you mean about being not very surprised. I was surprised and concerned to hear her say that, and immediately told my husband and we emailed the teacher right away. As I have said though, I am not sure that any of this actually happened to her. She did not seem upset when she told me, just matter-of-fact, so I was also trying to avoid injecting trauma into the situation if it wasn't already there.
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Old 08-13-2014, 02:12 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 88,958,716 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ADVentive View Post
If I knew everything on my own, I wouldn't have had to ask for advice. I am willing to admit that I do not know everything on my own. I have been a mom for 8 years, and a woman for 36, but I have never had any experience with accusations of molestation or anything, so no, I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do as soon as it comes up. Some people want to think it's cut and dry - duh, take her to the doctor ASAP - but obviously it is not so straightforward as that is not the advice that I've gotten from those in real life.
Do you know what to do if you are raped? You call the police without taking a shower, and the police take you directly to the ER so evidence can be collected. A molestation is essentially a rape, except it's going to have less evidence if body fluids weren't involved. That's why time is of the essence. With so much time going by, it will be more difficult for a doctor to determine if she was molested or not because scratches, bruises or swelling might subside. Then you'll won't know for sure if she was molested or not.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ADVentive View Post
There are some people here who have been quite harsh with me about the situation, some accusing me of lying, others of being a bad mother. I know, that's what you are going to get when you go to the internet. I'm just trying to do the best I can with the information I have. Asking here is just one way to get more information so that I can make better choices.
I don't think you're lying, and I don't think you're a bad mother. Based on what everyone is telling you in the real world, I'm glad you came here. If your doctor doesn't see her, take her to Durham Children's Hospital.

School personnel aren't going to tell you to take your daughter to the doctor because the school has a legal liability if your daughter was molested while under their supervision. I don't know what to say about your doctor's response. It's mindboggling.
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Old 08-13-2014, 02:21 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 88,958,716 times
Reputation: 30256
Quote:
Originally Posted by ADVentive View Post
She is attending public school. She is in kindergarten. She attends a general education class, which is where she is in class with this boy. She also gets pulled out to special ed for 90 minutes per day 4 days per week. In addition to that, she gets pulled out for 30 minutes each day 4 days per week for either speech, OT, or PT. On Fridays, she stays in her general education class all day. Our school is on a year-round schedule, and she is in her 5th week of school now.
So she is alone with various people throughout the week. Speech, OT and PT are done one-on-one with a child in a room away from other children. I know she said it was this boy, but it's not uncommon for children to say someone different than who is really doing it because they might fear the one who is doing it, etc..

Quote:
Originally Posted by ADVentive View Post
As I have said though, I am not sure that any of this actually happened to her. She did not seem upset when she told me, just matter-of-fact, so I was also trying to avoid injecting trauma into the situation if it wasn't already there.
We're not saying freak out. We're saying find out. She says she is in pain. That shouldn't be ignored for any reason. Whether she was molested or not, she needs a physical exam because she says she's in pain. That's not injecting unnecessary trauma. It's necessary.
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Old 08-13-2014, 02:53 PM
 
Location: Chicago
3,260 posts, read 4,504,271 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
Listen, children with mental disabilities are targets because nobody believes them. I'm going to say what I didn't say earlier. You are her mother, and you told her teacher, one of your daughter's authority figures, that you don't believe your daughter. How do you think that plays out if you continue to tell people you don't believe your daughter? They'll either never listen to her when she comes to them for help, or an unscrupulous person will take advantage of her because he/she knows you don't believe your daughter.


I'd want my mind eased. Where do you think she got this idea? This isn't the type of a thing a 5 year old makes up, even a 5 year old with mental disabilities. It came from somewhere. Maybe someone did do that to her. Maybe one of her classmates told her something like this because someone is doing it to them. This isn't the kind of thing you take a watchful waiting approach about. If something happened to her, a pediatrician will only be able to see that before there is time to heal. Time is of the essence. You have nothing to lose taking her to the pediatrician. If nothing happened, the doctor will confirm that. Why are you avoiding taking her to the doctor? Are you afraid?
As someone who experienced what the OP posted at about the same age (I was 4), I agree that kids don't just make up stuff like this. At the time I honestly had no idea if what had happened was really bad, but I just sort of instinctively knew that I didn't like it. I have no idea why an adult would not believe a child so young about something like sexual abuse. Young children have no idea if the actions are good or bad at that age, only that they happened. I'm thankful to this day that my parents did believe me and acted accordingly.
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Old 08-13-2014, 02:58 PM
 
2,321 posts, read 2,360,941 times
Reputation: 2645
Quote:
Originally Posted by kharing View Post
Okay, I am coming to grips with talking about her vulva and her making up stories. What I have issues with is that your child claims to have been sexually violated, including ANAL penetration and you are waiting on another phone call....really? Not a good way to deal with this. She will be at an even greater risk of being a victim of sexually assault as she gets older. Please begin advocating for the safety of your child. No need to survey friends and people on the internet. Get her to a physician now...if she was really assaulted, it will be harder to detect the longer you wait. Geez!

I can hear CPS now ! So .. what did you do when your daughter first told you about the touching. Oh .. I spent 2-3 days on the internet asking completely strangers for advice and continued to daily put her back in the same environment that might be harming her. You may get a free chance here before having your child pulled away from you .. but if you don't start acting in a real way and if your child is in fact being molested do you think your child should stay in your care? What would you think if this was happening to a stranger and she was posting about this on internet message boards and really not doing anything else about it for DAYS!!!!
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Old 08-13-2014, 03:11 PM
 
1,025 posts, read 963,448 times
Reputation: 1775
Quote:
Originally Posted by ADVentive View Post

If CPS were to get involve and question why I didn't take her to the doctor, I would think that they would see that I called the doctor the day after I first heard about anything. I do not feel like I have anything to hide from CPS.
I am sure you want to do what's best for your daughter, and I get that you don't want to overreact. Just know that many times CPS will remove the child first and investigate later if they think you are hiding something or not getting proper care for an injured child, especially when it comes to a possible sexual assault. Do you want to risk that?

I am also appalled that a doctor would say that an exam is not necessary for a child who is complaining of pain like this. You even admitted that it could be an infection or a result of scratching an insect bite. She could have an injury that needs to be addressed. I can't believe that a doctor would not want to see a child with her complaint ASAP. I would get a new doctor.

Last edited by raindrop101; 08-13-2014 at 03:30 PM..
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Old 08-13-2014, 03:13 PM
 
12,913 posts, read 19,787,452 times
Reputation: 33910
ADVentive, I understand your conflict. You have a 5 yr old who hasn't grasped the difference between fact and fantasy, and you don't want to over-react. In fact, you've shown amazing constraint so far.

The idea that a 5 yr old can describe vaginal or anal penetration just seems too far beyond the realm of imagination though. Your posts sent my abuse-radar into the "red" zone. Please, due to the specifics of the wording your daughter used, follow up. Quickly.
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