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Old 08-13-2014, 03:15 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,066 posts, read 37,716,477 times
Reputation: 73706

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ADVentive View Post
I was also trying to avoid injecting trauma into the situation if it wasn't already there.
I am a big advocate of this approach. I believe kids follow our lead in situations, and many parents make things worse for their kids by freaking out.

This, however, is a special situation.

To me, this is not an "email the teacher" situation. It's a phone call situation. It doesn't have to be an irate phone call. But ANYTIME a child brings up inappropriate touching, you take immediate action.

That's why I asked if you were surprised, because your responses indicate that you may have heard this kind of thing before, or at least you don't sound like you are in emergency mode. Your response so far almost sounds like you're dealing with a homework problem.

Ignore the snarky posters. Like I said before, YOU know your child. But I fear that you don't know the appropriate response to this kind of situation.
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Old 08-13-2014, 03:16 PM
 
10,403 posts, read 7,483,693 times
Reputation: 18335
Quote:
Originally Posted by Molli View Post
Why aren't you calling the police and let the experts handle this instead of waiting around? Do you plan to send your daughter back into the environmental tomorrow that she is claiming sexual abuse is occurring? This is beyond unbelievable to me that you are handling this by telling her to tell her teacher if something happens again. How many times does she need to experience this?
As a parent who's been through "calling the police" about something their kiddo said happened at pre-school, it's a lot like being a sexual assault victim. The perp in my case took enough lie detector tests that they were finally able to get an "inconclusive" result. You really need to watch who you talk to because the wrong person will get involved - someone who has NO CLUE how to talk to a youngster. Then mom's the hostile bad guy in the picture. The best person was the patient advocate.
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Old 08-13-2014, 03:20 PM
 
10,403 posts, read 7,483,693 times
Reputation: 18335
btw, the "rape crisis center" (I think it's called something else now) was really good about their exam. They look for tiny scrapes or tears that might be present. Anyway, sounds like you're on the right track. Tell hubby you just needed to vent and wanted to hear what other people thought. You sound like a great mom.
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Old 08-13-2014, 03:32 PM
 
15,745 posts, read 13,180,165 times
Reputation: 19641
Quote:
Originally Posted by ADVentive View Post
Yesterday, after talking to both the teacher and the guidance counselor, neither thought it was necessary to bring her to the doctor. The internet said I should. I called the doctor and asked them if they thought I should bring her in. That's where I was at that time. It was all still very fresh, and I was trying to sort out what to do. Since then, last night she mentioned the incident again, and I do think that she has some pain, therefore I am more interested in bringing her to the doctor as the internet suggests.

My husband says to me, why did you even ask on the internet? Who cares what random internet people think? Why don't you listen to the actual people in our lives (teacher, couselor, doctor)? I told him that I asked for advice and ideas, but that I don't have to accept all of their suggestions (ie spanking her for lying), but that if they have an idea that does make sense I can follow up on that. The internet has been pretty adamant that she needs to see the doctor, and you have given me reason to think that is right so I'm going to pursue that. I don't think she needs to go to the ER or anything (again, I don't have to accept all suggestions!), but I am going to get her to a doctor. If I knew everything on my own, I wouldn't have had to ask for advice. I am willing to admit that I do not know everything on my own. I have been a mom for 8 years, and a woman for 36, but I have never had any experience with accusations of molestation or anything, so no, I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do as soon as it comes up. Some people want to think it's cut and dry - duh, take her to the doctor ASAP - but obviously it is not so straightforward as that is not the advice that I've gotten from those in real life.

There are some people here who have been quite harsh with me about the situation, some accusing me of lying, others of being a bad mother. I know, that's what you are going to get when you go to the internet. I'm just trying to do the best I can with the information I have. Asking here is just one way to get more information so that I can make better choices.
I understand your confusion, concern, and conflict. I really do.

I think you have done the best you can, but I will say the teacher and guidance counselor should be reported, as they do not have the natural emotional response you do, plus they have mandatory training to handle these situations. The fact that they advised you NOT to see a doctor, when your child is complaining of pain, is down right ALARMING.

Now, all of that being said, at this point it is YOUR OWN BEST INTEREST to get your child to a doctor IMMEDIATELY. I have tried to play the level head in this thread, but if something has happened to your daughter, despite your calls to the doctor, it is going to appear to CPS that you did not push for her to see a doctor and that is going to be a red flag to them. We have already discussed how if your daughter was abused, it may not have been that boy, the scary reality is that you and your husband will be the next people they look at. You need to make sure you look above board here, and right now, based on two days with no doctors appointment, it looks shady. I do believe you that your doctor's office is giving you the run around (and that maybe a sign your daughter needs to see a pediatrician), but you need to be proactive. Young kids heal quickly, and if you wait much longer it will be impossible to tell if your daughter was penetrated or not.

Normally, parents instincts are great, but in a situation that is as emotionally volatile as this one is, it is possible to want so badly to believe that nothing has happened, that it becomes natural to act as if nothing happened. That is a dangerous place to be for your daughter, and for your whole family. Even without the story of being touched, vaginal pain in and of itself warrants an immediate doctors visit. CPS is going to want to know why that didn't happen. Again, pretend it isn't vaginal, pretend she is complaining of ear pain. Would you have waited two days for the doctor to give his opinion on whether or not you child should be seen or would you have just made an appointment. Hopefully it is the later, and that is what you should be doing NOW.
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Old 08-13-2014, 04:17 PM
 
1,915 posts, read 3,210,976 times
Reputation: 2996
Quote:
Originally Posted by ADVentive View Post
As I have said though, I am not sure that any of this actually happened to her. She did not seem upset when she told me, just matter-of-fact, so I was also trying to avoid injecting trauma into the situation if it wasn't already there.
I can't! You are not sure? So another day wasted and she still hasn't received medical attention. I swear, I just can't....

Your child told you something that most victims suffer with in silence. I don't believe you are back online trying to defend your lack of support and action on this! If she's lying, the only way to find out is to have her examined.

What if it happens again?

What if it's been happening for a while?

We are not talking about a child being bullied on the playground....she claimed she was sexually assaulted and came to you. Turn off the computer, please.
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Old 08-13-2014, 04:43 PM
 
1,915 posts, read 3,210,976 times
Reputation: 2996
Just got a note in a rep from someone that made me think. I recant you turning off the computer. Like the rep says, you may not go for medical treatment and storm away angry.

You have been a member of CD for at least 8 years and made many contributions. Please consider that fact before blowing everyone here off as just "The Internet". Also, think about your words almost one year ago:

"I have changed so much about how I parent based on reading parenting boards like this one. Parenting ideas that at one time I would never have considered doing have become important parts of my life (ie cosleeping, extended breastfeeding). Other topics that I had never even known were controversial got me to think about certain ideas in a new way (ie circumcision). Yet other threads have given me ideas on how to concretely implement an abstract idea that I support (ie gentle discipline). Coming to boards like this to discuss parenting has really opened my eyes to new ideas that I have used in my own life. I am happy to continue to learn new things, and to share with others as well."

What is your purpose on the CD Parenting forum?

No way does anyone believe you are a bad parent. When you mention that a child may have been hurt, the responses show that people just want to keep your child safe.

Thanks to whoever messaged me! I appreciate you!!!
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Old 08-13-2014, 04:51 PM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
84,977 posts, read 98,832,039 times
Reputation: 31386
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
ADVentive, I understand your conflict. You have a 5 yr old who hasn't grasped the difference between fact and fantasy, and you don't want to over-react. In fact, you've shown amazing constraint so far.

The idea that a 5 yr old can describe vaginal or anal penetration just seems too far beyond the realm of imagination though. Your posts sent my abuse-radar into the "red" zone. Please, due to the specifics of the wording your daughter used, follow up. Quickly.
^^This.
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Old 08-13-2014, 04:58 PM
 
Location: WI
2,820 posts, read 3,064,288 times
Reputation: 4815
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
ADVentive, I understand your conflict. You have a 5 yr old who hasn't grasped the difference between fact and fantasy, and you don't want to over-react. In fact, you've shown amazing constraint so far.

The idea that a 5 yr old can describe vaginal or anal penetration just seems too far beyond the realm of imagination though. Your posts sent my abuse-radar into the "red" zone. Please, due to the specifics of the wording your daughter used, follow up. Quickly.
I agree. The beach party/cat stories sound normal enough - she probably picked them up from a book or TV show. But unless your kid is watching Law and Order, it's hard to imagine where she'd pick up her current story. Unless, of course, it happened to her. Or she heard someone talking about it happening to them. Both of which are concerning.
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Old 08-13-2014, 05:05 PM
 
Location: Denver area
21,141 posts, read 22,118,386 times
Reputation: 35536
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
ADVentive, I understand your conflict. You have a 5 yr old who hasn't grasped the difference between fact and fantasy, and you don't want to over-react. In fact, you've shown amazing constraint so far.

The idea that a 5 yr old can describe vaginal or anal penetration just seems too far beyond the realm of imagination though. Your posts sent my abuse-radar into the "red" zone. Please, due to the specifics of the wording your daughter used, follow up. Quickly.
Another agreement with Mattie's excellent post.
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Old 08-13-2014, 05:15 PM
 
Location: Kansas
19,189 posts, read 14,074,451 times
Reputation: 18141
Quote:
Originally Posted by Molli View Post
I can hear CPS now ! So .. what did you do when your daughter first told you about the touching. Oh .. I spent 2-3 days on the internet asking completely strangers for advice and continued to daily put her back in the same environment that might be harming her. You may get a free chance here before having your child pulled away from you .. but if you don't start acting in a real way and if your child is in fact being molested do you think your child should stay in your care? What would you think if this was happening to a stranger and she was posting about this on internet message boards and really not doing anything else about it for DAYS!!!!
^That is worth repeating. So this little girl has pain, perhaps some sort of infection and no one in the OP's life think she needs to see a doctor? I would have taken her to Urgent Care the same or very next day if the doctor and/or his staff were so unqualified in the medical field as not to see an issue with a little girl in pain this way. We all know that in the world of sexual molestation that there are enablers at work when the abuse/molestation lasts for years. Something is just totally off about this situation. Hopefully, it is made up because otherwise, it has become sick! A little 5 year old girl has pain in her vulva and probably anus and there is the possibility by what she has said that she is being sexually molested by someone and everyone there is just keeping a cool head about it. Ah,
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