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Old 08-12-2014, 06:04 PM
 
Location: NYC
11,829 posts, read 7,707,929 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by girlbuffalo1 View Post
How did you or other people you know decide whether to have children or not? I understand some people who desire it their whole lives--or really can't wait to be a family with children--but are there any of you "on the fence" people out there that decided to do it--and why?

I am 31 and my husband is 39--we have been married 8 years--we were both on the 'no' side of the fence but have started thinking a little bit about it--at least the possibility of it. I still don't feel any desire in my heart for it--but I realize that I need to be sure my 98% no children is 100% in the next few years--if that makes sense.
You can enjoy everything in life at any time except parenthood. Once your body clock runs out, you can only adopt and it's not the same.

I see a lot of young couples do the vacationing everywhere, buying and spending like it's their last day on earth because they have nothing to lose. Then go and have kids later in life either by accident or trying very hard to conceive only to either fail or eventually succeed after a lot of $$ is spent on medical treatments.

If you are still ripe think hard before time runs out. IF there is any thought that enters your mind about having kids you will regret not having kids later on.
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Old 08-12-2014, 06:05 PM
 
215 posts, read 204,231 times
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I feel that a person should desire parenthood very strongly to even have kids. The prevailing opinion might differ. I badly wanted to have a child and relish my motherhood (not every moment but that is the predominant feeling) and this gets me through days when I get 4 hours of sleep. Of course, there are people who will say 'I didn't want kids, but had them and have no regrets' and this is true a majority of the times but can the rest of the parents truly say our loud 'Oh I didn't want kids, had them and now wish they were never born!' (Not to say this is wrong).
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Old 08-12-2014, 06:47 PM
 
421 posts, read 449,050 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vision33r View Post
you can only adopt and it's not the same.
You're right, adoption is better

Give me a break, do you have bio and adopted children so you can speak to what is or isn't the same?
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Old 08-12-2014, 06:50 PM
 
Location: Houston, TX
13,181 posts, read 7,408,610 times
Reputation: 27271
Quote:
Originally Posted by girlbuffalo1 View Post
How did you or other people you know decide whether to have children or not? I understand some people who desire it their whole lives--or really can't wait to be a family with children--but are there any of you "on the fence" people out there that decided to do it--and why?

I am 31 and my husband is 39--we have been married 8 years--we were both on the 'no' side of the fence but have started thinking a little bit about it--at least the possibility of it. I still don't feel any desire in my heart for it--but I realize that I need to be sure my 98% no children is 100% in the next few years--if that makes sense.
If you aren't 100% on the yes side, then you need to keep that no button pushed. Kids take so much commitment as it is that only truly dedicated people should become parents. If your heart isn't completely in it from the start, it isn't a good idea. There are many people who become parents before they are ready and end up resenting their children. That's so unfair to their kids, who have no choice in the matter.
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Old 08-12-2014, 07:35 PM
 
23,926 posts, read 31,151,810 times
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I got pregnant. That was pretty much how we decided. But I wanted a child ever since I met my niece, when she was 6 weeks old.
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Old 08-12-2014, 08:40 PM
 
4,580 posts, read 6,147,287 times
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Gin will make you sin. Borrow someone's kids for a trial run.
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Old 08-12-2014, 09:18 PM
 
31 posts, read 34,092 times
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My husband and I talked about it a lot before we got married, and were both in the "probably" camp. Unsure, but leaning. I was 25 when I got married, which was young compared to most of my friends. I knew very, very few peers with kids. We put off making any decisions for a few years, while we went to grad school and started careers. Around the time my husband turned 30, he started to want to have a child. I was 28 and not ready. I have a difficult relationship with my own parents (still), and I think I had a lot to work out in my own mind about not repeating bad patterns, etc., before starting my own family. It also helped me to see some of my close friends become parents, and to spend time with their babies/kids. We went ahead and I had my first child at 32 and second at 34. Motherhood came surprisingly natural to me. Not that I'm perfect at it (Ha!), but the role of being a parent just fits somehow. Sometimes I wish we had started younger, and we might have gone for 3 kids instead of 2 -- but I know I just wasn't ready at the time.

I've never been someone who feels 100% about any decision. I hem and haw a lot and can take forever to make a choice. But once I do decide, I don't tend to look back, and I commit to the choice relatively easily. Once we decided to try to conceive, I was thrilled to be able to have a child. I'm not sure if that will resonate with you, but thought I'd mention it in case it does.

I know there's a biological clock, but I'd suggest not feeling too rushed as you continue to explore the possibility with your partner. Talk about what kind of parents you'd like to be if you were to have a kid, and what you might have to give up or put on the back-burner. Also talk about what your dreams/plans are if you choose not to have children. If you can, spend some more time around long-time friends you've known before and after they had kids. They can tell you what the transition to parenthood was like, the good and bad. Friends who have chosen not to have kids can also be a tremendous sounding board. Just be careful, don't assume that childless friends are in that position by choice. Infertility and miscarriages are unfortunately fairly common.
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Old 08-12-2014, 11:54 PM
 
Location: North Phoenix/Moon Valley
974 posts, read 2,476,938 times
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I was the one who didn't want to get married or have kids until at least I finished college and had my career on track. Well it didn't work out that way. I was married and had 3 kids by the time I was 25 and only had completed one semester of college. I was definitely done with having kids then. Fast forward several years, loved being a Mom and taking care of the kids and working part time but the marriage didn't work out. Then spent a few years as a single parent and even moved to another state. Finally met the true person I was meant to be with and guess what? Got the "bug" again. There is 10 years age difference between my 3rd and 4th (last) child. So together we have 6 children and 14 grandchildren and life is interesting, busy, stressful, joyful....etc. The youngest is 19 and one of the most special and gifted people in my life. He teaches me new things and makes me laugh and I teach him how to eventually make it on his own (trust me it is not all roses, but the good definitely outweighs the bad). And the icing on the cake? I am now 50+ and will be finishing my last semester in December for my Associates Degree. So however you decide OP, trust that you will make the right choice for you, even if like some have suggested, and you need a counselor to help you "see" your path. Good luck and good future!

**BTW meant to add: None of my children were "planned", nothing wrong with planning but "surprises" and "just the way life happens" are good too!**

Last edited by crystalys; 08-13-2014 at 12:26 AM..
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Old 08-13-2014, 12:51 AM
 
18 posts, read 15,539 times
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I was 12 years old when I decided I would never have children, and have been blessed by being naturally sterile!

I have a friend that wanted kids when she was 12, started having them at age 15 and now has 6, I am the oldest of 5.

Think about what you are really asking. People ALWAYS ask, "should I" or "I want to have KIDS" NO ONE ever thinks, do I want to raise a HUMAN BEING!! Everyone gets all hyped up about those young years and then somehow ends up SOO surprised when their child hits puberty and doesn't listen to everything you say. Think about it this way..

Do you want to live with a teenager? Do you want to raise and provide for a teenager? Are you ready for that teenager to NOT move out at 18, but perhaps prefer to stay with you so they can go to school full time??

Do NOT make the mistake of procreating because of the idea of "children." The child phase is very short, and this person will be in your life forever regardless of what problems they may have, mentally, physically, emotionally etc.

One more thing, it is my honest opinion that choosing to have your "own" children vs adoption is something I see as overwhelmingly narcissistic. There are too many children that are taken into foster care so abusive psychos can get a check every month for housing these poor little souls. If you really want to help a human being, adopt.
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Old 08-13-2014, 02:10 AM
 
Location: USA
3,966 posts, read 9,156,121 times
Reputation: 2197
Quote:
Originally Posted by vision33r View Post
You can enjoy everything in life at any time except parenthood. Once your body clock runs out, you can only adopt and it's not the same.

I see a lot of young couples do the vacationing everywhere, buying and spending like it's their last day on earth because they have nothing to lose. Then go and have kids later in life either by accident or trying very hard to conceive only to either fail or eventually succeed after a lot of $$ is spent on medical treatments.

If you are still ripe think hard before time runs out. IF there is any thought that enters your mind about having kids you will regret not having kids later on.
I didn't want children, but then someone came into my life and I work to the bone for this little person. Before I could careless about life, if I was homeless, or even alive. Funny thing is I am never home.
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