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Old 08-14-2014, 07:54 AM
 
Location: Tha 6th Bourough
3,634 posts, read 4,856,787 times
Reputation: 1750

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Hey everyone, I just moved in with my girlfriend last month, and she has 3 kids. They are 18, 12, and 9. The middle child (12 year old) is the one I'm having issue with. The 12 year old is a girl and has a speech disorder.

My issue is that she does not do what her mother tells her a lot of the time, and now I have run into this problem myself a few times when trying to tell her to do some things. She will also come up to me and act like she's playing as she hits me again and again. I'll kinda laugh/smile to be nice as to say I know you are playing, but when I say stop she will continue. Then she will do things like grab my phone and hold it as if she is playing keep away.

The mother/my girlfriend always cleans their mess and occasionally tells them to clean things, but the younger one will do it as the 12 year old kinda goes away to play without doing it or without consequences.

This came to a head for me the other day. The mother was at work and I was headed to work, so I told the 12 year old to come inside and lock up until the mother comes home. Well her response was, "No,...No"..as she smiled and continued walking outside to play. I had to leave, so I just left. I kinda gave up on telling her.

Anyways, I've come to my gf about these issues, and brought up a rewards system for behavior. She was for it until I told her that anyone who broke the system's rules couldn't be rewarded. I don't know what to do. My gf says she is easy on the girls because they never had a real father figure. Don't know how I should deal with this situation.
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Old 08-14-2014, 07:56 AM
 
Location: My House
33,080 posts, read 26,889,149 times
Reputation: 24438
Move out.


Sorry to be so blunt about it, but if your GF plans to let the kids just do whatever they want, you're in for a miserable time.
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Old 08-14-2014, 08:19 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,490 posts, read 15,932,856 times
Reputation: 38829
You are not their dad, you are not even their step-dad, to be very blunt, you are just the current man who is with their mother. You should not be attempting to discipline her children.

Now, perhaps if you had explained that you had dated their mother for six months or a year or two years and you are currently planning your wedding or possibly are attempting to adopt her children then it might make sense. But I doubt that any of those things are true. You are just the "current man who is screwing their mother" and a person in that that role has no parenting rights.

If you are really into this relationship for the long haul, if you see you & your GF/ future wife together five, ten, twenty years in the future then go to marriage/couples counseling so that you are working as a team on parenting her children. Otherwise, I predict that it will only get worse. Look at the 12 year olds behavior now and imagine it ten times more difficult to handle when she is a teenager. Do you really want that?

Last edited by Jaded; 08-14-2014 at 10:35 AM..
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Old 08-14-2014, 08:23 AM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,830,509 times
Reputation: 61845
You didn't know until after you moved in that the 12 year old was a problem?
I agree with RedZin and Germaine, you need to go back where you came from
and let the girls Mother deal with them and spend time with her when you can.
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Old 08-14-2014, 08:33 AM
 
4,110 posts, read 1,720,652 times
Reputation: 11596
Yep. Not your children, not your business. You don't discipline someone else's child. Move out.
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Old 08-14-2014, 08:44 AM
 
2,321 posts, read 2,363,144 times
Reputation: 2645
You are in no position and have absolutely no right to discipline. You were forced into their life by moving in with their mother -- that's your status right now.
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Old 08-14-2014, 08:51 AM
 
5,413 posts, read 4,820,098 times
Reputation: 9351
Quote:
Originally Posted by RazorRob305 View Post
Hey everyone, I just moved in with my girlfriend last month, and she has 3 kids. They are 18, 12, and 9. The middle child (12 year old) is the one I'm having issue with. The 12 year old is a girl and has a speech disorder.

My issue is that she does not do what her mother tells her a lot of the time, and now I have run into this problem myself a few times when trying to tell her to do some things. She will also come up to me and act like she's playing as she hits me again and again. I'll kinda laugh/smile to be nice as to say I know you are playing, but when I say stop she will continue. Then she will do things like grab my phone and hold it as if she is playing keep away.

The mother/my girlfriend always cleans their mess and occasionally tells them to clean things, but the younger one will do it as the 12 year old kinda goes away to play without doing it or without consequences.

This came to a head for me the other day. The mother was at work and I was headed to work, so I told the 12 year old to come inside and lock up until the mother comes home. Well her response was, "No,...No"..as she smiled and continued walking outside to play. I had to leave, so I just left. I kinda gave up on telling her.

Anyways, I've come to my gf about these issues, and brought up a rewards system for behavior. She was for it until I told her that anyone who broke the system's rules couldn't be rewarded. I don't know what to do. My gf says she is easy on the girls because they never had a real father figure. Don't know how I should deal with this situation.
You don't do anything... you are not their father and they have no reason to respect you simply because their mother chooses to have sex with you.

In time and some patience you might earn their respect and even love. .... but you don't get it automatically. ....and you certainly don't get it by a battle of wills with a preteen or treating them like toddlers.
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Old 08-14-2014, 08:52 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,490 posts, read 15,932,856 times
Reputation: 38829
Quote:
Originally Posted by RazorRob305 View Post
The middle child (12 year old) is the one I'm having issue with.

My issue is that she does not do what her mother tells her a lot of the time

she hits me again and again. I'll kinda laugh/smile to be nice as to say I know you are playing, but when I say stop she will continue. Then she will do things like grab my phone and hold it as if she is playing keep away.
(snip)
OP, read your own post. The 12 year old does not do what her mother tells her to do and the mother had 12 years to be an effective parent and has not succeeded. How can you ever imagine you would be successful as a temporary, short-term live-in boyfriend (face the facts, that is all that you are---except perhaps a convenient "meal ticket" while you are there). Sheesh.

Are you prepared for it to take 12 years to undo the parenting damage that the mom has done in the child's first 12 years?

A 12 year old hitting an adult? And not just hitting an adult, but refusing to stop hitting when the adult tells them to stop? Whether the adult is a visitor, a grandparent, the next door neighbor, the teacher or the man that is currently sharing Mom's bed it is totally unacceptable behavior.

Move out now, if possible today.

If you are reluctant to do that, get on the phone and make a couples appointment with a marriage counselor ASAP.

Last edited by germaine2626; 08-14-2014 at 09:52 AM..
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Old 08-14-2014, 09:36 AM
 
6,455 posts, read 9,512,203 times
Reputation: 10764
Why do single men move into these situations when they can still afford to be picky?

Get the hell out of there. It's not going to get better.
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Old 08-14-2014, 10:16 AM
 
32,538 posts, read 29,340,215 times
Reputation: 32238
Quote:
Originally Posted by RazorRob305 View Post
I don't know what to do.
Move out. You are not a step-parent. You are the boyfriend. You are the guy the mother is sleeping with.

Meanwhile there are kids who have to somehow deal with the lousy hand they got dealt. (I'd bet the rent they have different fathers.) Including one who has special needs who is obviously acting out because Mom decided to have her boyfriend in the house. And you decided it would be a good idea to move in. Nope. Bad calls from both of you. SMH. I feel SO sorry for the kids who have to live in these situations.
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