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Old 08-17-2014, 03:08 PM
 
Location: Detroit,MI
58 posts, read 35,940 times
Reputation: 41

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I told her that this year, her senior year, needed to be completely dedicated to getting to that next step, getting to college, and I'd help her whether it be researching schools, helping with essays, going on the tours( obviously I'd have to go to those). Furthermore, as far as cooking and cleaning, any time she doesn't feel like doing it, she doesn't have to, I will. I reminded her that, if she wants, out of state schools are in the cards. Dad's not gonna feel abandoned, if anything I'll feel happy that she's at where she worked to be at. I think we've added another level to our relationship and that level will only expand over time. She should be happy, a year from now, she'll be in college. It'll be surreal, I think, driving away. The same girl who, for the entire 1st grade year, would, when school let out, would sprint to the car to hug me, that girl's going to college? Wow
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Old 08-17-2014, 03:19 PM
 
Location: Detroit,MI
58 posts, read 35,940 times
Reputation: 41
I forget if someone asked, but yes, she does date, has had relationships, all great guys. Ralph Kirk brought up a situation similar to mine. I've spoken, with my daughter, very little about my wife, mostly because I believe in moving on, she's the past, I moved on, and also because I really don't feel it's right to bash her mom in front of her. Her mom, to her, is the woman she only really knows in videos from Grandma's house. I mean it's bad enough seeing a little pain in her eyes when we go to these high school things and everyone's got their 2 parents there, and she's got one. If I do talk about Mom it's always somewhat lighthearted like when she's being goofy I'll tell her Mom used to pull stuff like this.
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Old 08-17-2014, 09:41 PM
 
Location: Detroit,MI
58 posts, read 35,940 times
Reputation: 41
My mom thinks we should at least consider family counseling
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Old 08-17-2014, 10:54 PM
 
300 posts, read 323,091 times
Reputation: 218
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
I did, I did. I really don't know what you're getting at with these pointless questions. Honestly, I'd appreciate you leaving the thread
The point of the questions is to guide you towards looking at your situation from a different perspective.
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Old 08-17-2014, 11:36 PM
 
Location: Detroit,MI
58 posts, read 35,940 times
Reputation: 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by blu4u View Post
The point of the questions is to guide you towards looking at your situation from a different perspective.
I see, well, I sincerely apologize for my previous post. Simply put, I just want the best for her
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Old 08-18-2014, 07:48 AM
 
Location: Waxhaw, NC
1,076 posts, read 1,931,917 times
Reputation: 1099
Ghost, it sounds like you are trying, but your wording says "I'm not committed." The fact is, she shouldn't have to decide "you will" if she doesnt; cook, clean, laundry, etc. The point people are trying to make (which i saw you did with breakfast last week) is you need to do those things before she evens thinks "i need to _______" (fill in vacuum, cook, etc). It's not about when its hard on her, or if she doesnt I will do it. It's your job. It really is that simple. Its is not her responsibility. She needs to do her laundry? Great. She needs to prepare lunch while you're out on the weekend? Fine. The rest is on your shoulders. Do not forget who is thew parent, even if she is getting ready to go to college.
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Old 08-18-2014, 09:10 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,528 posts, read 16,025,498 times
Reputation: 39000
Quote:
Originally Posted by LiLShorty4lyfe View Post
Ghost, it sounds like you are trying, but your wording says "I'm not committed." The fact is, she shouldn't have to decide "you will" if she doesnt; cook, clean, laundry, etc. The point people are trying to make (which i saw you did with breakfast last week) is you need to do those things before she evens thinks "i need to _______" (fill in vacuum, cook, etc). It's not about when its hard on her, or if she doesnt I will do it. It's your job. It really is that simple. Its is not her responsibility. She needs to do her laundry? Great. She needs to prepare lunch while you're out on the weekend? Fine. The rest is on your shoulders. Do not forget who is the parent, even if she is getting ready to go to college.
I totally agree with LilShorty. The "vibe" that I have received throughout this whole thread is that your teenage daughter is the responsible adult in the household and that you are the carefree adolescent that occasionally does some of the house work "when the spirit moves you."

Our children always had age appropriate chores when they lived at home, however, as the parents it was our responsibility to be the parents. To us, as well as most parents, it meant that we had the main responsible for household tasks.

Of course, families are different. If, for example, you had a job with very long hours and extensive amounts of mandatory overtime or perhaps worked two or three jobs to support you and your daughter, it would be logical that she may have to help with more family chores but that does not appear to be the case.

It appears that she feels responsible for the housekeeping duties because you are have not felt responsible for doing them.

You are the parent, step up and be the parent!
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Old 08-18-2014, 10:21 AM
 
Location: Hyrule
8,401 posts, read 9,571,052 times
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I wanted to add it's not the amount she does it's if stopping causes stress.
Example:
Overzealous cleaning

People with OCD who fall into the "washers" category also tend to clean compulsively. As with hand-washing, housecleaning is often a way of easing germaphobia or feelings of impurity. Although cleaning can help chase these obsessive thoughts away, the relief does not last, and the urge to clean is often even stronger the next time.

When to seek help: If you spend hours a day cleaning, it's almost certainly related to OCD, but it's harder to know if cleaning for an hour a day could be a sign of OCD. "It's really the consequence of stopping," says Michael Jenike, MD, a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital, in Boston. "If you don't [clean], you get terribly anxious and fearful."



See if stopping the cleaning causes her stress, even if it's an hour a days worth. That's your clue. Most kids would love to be relieved of duty, unless they have OCD.

Hope this helps.



Overzealous cleaning - 10 Signs You May Have OCD - Health.com
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Old 08-18-2014, 10:34 AM
 
Location: Detroit,MI
58 posts, read 35,940 times
Reputation: 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppySead View Post
I have one of those daughters and guess what, I'm not divorced. Some kids just feel safe at home, they might have anxiety disorder/OCD. My clues are: Won't go far away to college, doesn't hang out with friends, uses you as an excuse to stay at home. Feels overly responsible for you, or the home.

I have a 21 year old that has always been extremely responsible to a fault. She wakes up early, goes for walks, eats right, doesn't drink, or smoke, doesn't go out with friends much. She attends college, does the dishes and runs errands for me without me asking her to. She loves her routine. And like you I thought it odd for her age.

I clean all the time myself, and also have a care giver mentality, my daughter isn't like this because I don't do it either. She's more like this because I do do it. She's like me. We hand these things down one way or another. My daughter also says, I could have done that if I do the dishes. I feel as if she feels that once I do it all she will have to change what she does and she isn't comfortable with that unless she decides it, not me. I have OCD.

She may have inherited this from her mothers gene pool or yours. She may have anxiety with slight OCD, or none of the above. It may not be because you got divorced at all. I'd be careful not to pin point it yourself, blame it on anything until she see's a professional. She could be shy to a fault, you have no idea what her anxieties are because she uses you as an excuse to hide this.

Take her to a psychologist and let them figure it out, she may need some cognitive therapy, maybe not, OCD is easily fixed. But warning, sometimes these kids won't go, and don't see the problem or fear it being fixed.

They feel they are doing well, and a lot of kids don't feel the need to change the behaviors they've adopted as normal. If that's the case I'd just do what you can to support her, and don't worry about "what's normal" for her. What's normal for her is what she's doing. If OCD sounds familiar in anyway regarding your daughter then you can implement some silent help. Just read up on it.

My daughter doesn't feel comfortable being the "typical" youth either, I'm off her case about it now. She skipped it. Yours might not think there is a problem at all. In her mind everything is routine, and she feels good about it. You have to remember, what you feel is normal behavior might not be for her. You might have nothing to fix if she isn't stressed by it.

The psychologist told us that unless it stresses her out, it isn't a problem. It's only an issue if it's an issue for her. You think she's "missing out" on a "party life." Some kids are what others call nerdy, and don't find the same things rewarding as others do and that's fine. If it's not causing her stress, it's probably not a problem. Stop feeling guilty and you might find that she relaxes more because she doesn't feel threatened by you wanting to change her routine. After all, it seems self serving to me, not obligatory. Most people don't do these things out of guilt or fear but out of comfort level. They have there own set of goals they desire. She might be more into security, and that's ok. Just look for OCD signs to rule this out.

Does she feel upset about her routine? Or, does she just get upset when you talk about wanting her to change it? Instead of feeling relieved from a duty does she get nervous about not doing it?

I don't think this is a big emotional roller coaster, I just think your daughter has OCD. It won't matter what you do personally, your just the excuse not the reason.

Read some of these and see if anything pops out at you:
OCD and Teens The Untreated Diagnosis by Dr Karen Ruskin
Information on Symptoms of OCD in Children
Obsessions unwanted intrusive thoughts
  • Constant, irrational worry about dirt, germs, or contamination.
  • Excessive concern with order, arrangement, or symmetry.
  • Fear that negative or aggressive thoughts or impulses will cause personal harm or harm to a loved one.
  • Preoccupation with losing or throwing away objects with little or no value.
  • Excessive concern about accidentally or purposefully injuring another person.
  • Feeling overly responsible for the safety of others.
  • Distasteful religious and sexual thoughts or images.
  • Doubting that is irrational or excessive.
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) | Pacific Anxiety Group
OCD and Eating - NBI Weston
Eating disorders are common with OCD. Including, having to cook what you eat, not liking others to cook your food at home. It makes little sense and she could be perfectly fine eating out, but just not food cooked by you. Remember OCD doesn't make sense, that's how you identify it as OCD.

See if any of this applies. It can be slight, or obvious, but you can recognize it once you look into it. If you do, she might need help but she won't want it.
Also, did her mother have any obsessive behavior? It's genetic.
No, her mom wasn't OCD, seeing her mom clean was like seeing a solar eclipse, rarely seen, but a special event when it did happen. I don't think she's ever been upset with the routine, just overwhelmed as she told me. Even though it's only been a very short time since we put our plan into action, she's rather liking her time off. She's teaching me how to cook
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Old 08-18-2014, 10:41 AM
 
Location: Hyrule
8,401 posts, read 9,571,052 times
Reputation: 7421
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
No, her mom wasn't OCD, seeing her mom clean was like seeing a solar eclipse, rarely seen, but a special event when it did happen. I don't think she's ever been upset with the routine, just overwhelmed as she told me. Even though it's only been a very short time since we put our plan into action, she's rather liking her time off. She's teaching me how to cook
That's great! Maybe it was just you. lol Kidding of course. Sounds like she was just taking care of dad.

OCD isn't about cleaning, it's obsessive or compulsive thoughts. It can apply to anything for the record.

But, it sounds like you've solved a simple problem. Congrats! I wish you the best outcome.
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