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Old 08-18-2014, 10:51 AM
 
Location: Hyrule
8,401 posts, read 9,567,345 times
Reputation: 7421

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Quote:
Originally Posted by kharing View Post
I'm with you on this! Counseling for cleaning, making breakfast and having an after school job? Strange that people would recommend that.
Yes, seems ridiculous but it's because it's out of the norm. : Like cleaning instead of a HS party. Nice, but odd.
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Old 08-18-2014, 10:59 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,519 posts, read 16,001,127 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
No, her mom wasn't OCD, seeing her mom clean was like seeing a solar eclipse, rarely seen, but a special event when it did happen. I don't think she's ever been upset with the routine, just overwhelmed as she told me. Even though it's only been a very short time since we put our plan into action, she's rather liking her time off. She's teaching me how to cook
I'm glad that it is starting to work out.

But, once again you gave an example of your daughter being the responsible adult and you acting like the adolescent.

The teenage age daughter is teaching her 34 year old father how to cook.

I am glad that she is doing that, but doesn't it seem like a role reversal?
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Old 08-18-2014, 11:03 AM
 
Location: Hyrule
8,401 posts, read 9,567,345 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ringo1 View Post
She is essentially functioning as your wife - as single parents we have to make very sure that this doesn't happen.

I tried very hard not to turn my son into the 'little man' or 'man of the house' but children of single parents tend to be privy to more than they probably should.

I would find a way to put a stop to much of it. Hire a cleaning service if you need to.
That's what I worried about. You can get OCD behaviors of perfectionism when you've had divorced parents. She will be a better woman than her mom might get obsessive if not stopped. Or could be genetic..or both.

Anyway, sounds like he's doing a good job now. What he's doing now will work regardless of what it is. It's the therapy she needs regardless of why it's happening. As long as he keeps it up it should help get rid of it.
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Old 08-18-2014, 11:07 AM
 
Location: Detroit,MI
58 posts, read 35,926 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I'm glad that it is starting to work out.

But, once again you gave an example of your daughter being the responsible adult and you acting like the adolescent.

The teenage age daughter is teaching her 34 year old father how to cook.

I am glad that she is doing that, but doesn't it seem like a role reversal?
yes it does, at 34, I'm just now learning how to make lasagna, something she's been doing since 14.
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Old 08-18-2014, 11:10 AM
 
Location: Hyrule
8,401 posts, read 9,567,345 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
yes it does, at 34, I'm just now learning how to make lasagna, something she's been doing since 14.
Don't beat yourself up about it. I know a lot of moms who don't cook either. Cooking great home made meals isn't a requirement to being a good parent.
Sounds like you're having fun though, and that's great. Plus, she is realizing she doesn't have to do it all perfectly, that will be good for her to realize.
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Old 08-18-2014, 01:33 PM
 
Location: Detroit,MI
58 posts, read 35,926 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppySead View Post
Don't beat yourself up about it. I know a lot of moms who don't cook either. Cooking great home made meals isn't a requirement to being a good parent.
Sounds like you're having fun though, and that's great. Plus, she is realizing she doesn't have to do it all perfectly, that will be good for her to realize.
My worry though is, even once she's in college, despite me telling her not to, she'll just keep worrying about me
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Old 08-18-2014, 01:47 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,519 posts, read 16,001,127 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
yes it does, at 34, I'm just now learning how to make lasagna, something she's been doing since 14.
Where did your daughter learn how to make lasagna at age 14?

BTW, cooking is a great skill to know when you go away to college.
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Old 08-18-2014, 01:58 PM
 
Location: Hyrule
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
My worry though is, even once she's in college, despite me telling her not to, she'll just keep worrying about me
Well, now you are getting to my other thread about OCD. Just look out for signs, if she does have obsessive worry about you beyond the normal range then you can address it. It sounds mild, but perfectionism is also an OCD symptom.
So far you say she does well in school, well at work, well at home to the point that you are asking if this is normal for her age. To good too be true. (that's why you're on here)

That's why I presented OCD. It only means she is either compulsive(which doesn't sound that way) or obsessive(which does sound that way) or they can have both.
Perfectionism(house looks neat, food is healthy, prepared correctly)
Obsessive Caregiving/worrying about another
Job at an early age, giving money to you. All seems to good to be true, which is what my daughter does, I do and we both have OCD.

Good news is that it is easily addressed. I mentioned your ex wife because she might have had only compulsive symptoms, or obsessions that ended the marriage you were unaware of. In that case genetic, but divorce, or tragedy can bring it on as well.

All it means is what you are already saying....she can't give these behaviors up easily, even after she is assured time and time again that you'll be fine. You want them addressed so that they don't bleed over into other areas of her life in the future. Sometimes it's hard for others around to match up to the behavior people with OCD expect or crave, leaving the partner baffled and the one with OCD unsatisfied.

In other words, people with OCD often do the best and expect others to also do their best, all the time. It can wear them out and put a lot of emotional strain on their partner or family. Especially when it's not obvious. Who doesn't think good meals, cleaning, and scheduling is great, right? Well, it depends...it could be nerve wracking if you or her future partner don't feel it's as important to do all of these things to the best of their ability all the time. I'm hoping I'm making myself clear. It's not always a noticeable condition. That's why it can be left untreated so easily.

Only people licking door knobs and washing their hands to death get noticed. The other 80% just look like they are shinning examples of how one should be. It can be deceiving. Regardless, she is filling a need. Not a want. If that makes any sense.
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Old 08-18-2014, 02:15 PM
 
Location: Tucson for awhile longer
8,874 posts, read 12,957,708 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
I know, we're trying to change that.
You don't have to worry about her. She'll change when you change. Her current behavior is a response to you. Her subsequent behavior will also be that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
What really tore her up, because of her mom leaving was when I would leave to go on dates. She'd hug and beg me not to leave, I'd come home and she'd hug me because I was home( safe from whatever evil woman I was at dinner with). I think she felt, in that moment, that I would push her out of her life like her mom did.
That's a REALLY sad story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
I did, I did. I really don't know what you're getting at with these pointless questions. Honestly, I'd appreciate you leaving the thread
Sometimes we get responses here we don't like. Yet sometimes they're also appropriate. It's like that when you work with a therapist, too. They push you to see things that make you uncomfortable. That's usually when you're getting somewhere.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
My mom thinks we should at least consider family counseling
Your Mom is right. A few sessions of family therapy might help her make the break to go to college happily. She might not say it, or even recognize it herself, but she is terrified to be leaving you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
My worry though is, even once she's in college, despite me telling her not to, she'll just keep worrying about me
Yes, she will. She still hasn't come to grips with the fears caused by her being abandoned by her mother. That's why she needs help. She isn't magically going to stop being the first grader who ran to your car thanking God you were safe, just because she turned 18. In the back of her mind, she still has fear that something will happen to you. That's clear in how she still projects that you are incapable of even feeding yourself properly.

Last edited by Jukesgrrl; 08-18-2014 at 02:17 PM.. Reason: more added
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Old 08-18-2014, 02:19 PM
 
Location: Hyrule
8,401 posts, read 9,567,345 times
Reputation: 7421
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Where did your daughter learn how to make lasagna at age 14?

BTW, cooking is a great skill to know when you go away to college.
Right, who would rather learn to bake, clean and please there parent to that extreme at 14? Maybe if she just had a cooking passion or hobby but it sounds like more is involved that just a hobby.

On a good note, my daughter will, rest assured, always do things correctly, make little trouble, and take every warning seriously. Just don't expect her to cut loose anytime soon. lol

Cutting loose makes her extremely uncomfortable, even though she won't come out and say it. She usually says things like his daughter. "I really have to get to bed early so I don't miss my morning walk" " I need to bake a cake" "I need to clean my room" "you have a lot on your plate, I'll help by doing the dishes". What 19, 20 year old says these things? I also see her way to often for someone her age.


Went to college early, rooms never dirty, if they say pineapple is good for you by goodness pineapple shows up in her diet a week later. lol

Now that she realizes what it is, she helps herself by letting certain things go and trying not to correct them. It has relaxed her, and she is learning to get over these things. It was hard to get her to acknowledge any of it being out of the norm for her age though. She just said, it's my personality, not every kid is the same. Well, of course she was right but she clearly wasn't socializing the way you'd expect for that age group. But, if it isn't harming them, they don't look stressed, they you can just slowly help them out of most of it.

It's not a disorder, unless there is dis-order in her life. But you can be aware of it and start looking at other behaviors that might have gone alone causing stress that he didn't notice. And, you can not allow her to continue her care giving obsession. Just don't accept it. That's the only way they stop it. That's the therapy for OCD.
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