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Old 08-14-2014, 05:32 PM
 
Location: State of Washington (2016)
3,544 posts, read 2,371,183 times
Reputation: 13745

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Why are you not responding to the posters who gave you advice on what you can actively do to improve the situation? You are the adult and the father and you are responsible for her, not the other way around. It sounds like she is a very nice young lady, but she may have emotional issues that you are ignoring and don't recognize. Maybe talking to a trusted third party (preferably female) would be good for both of you. A firm "No, I've got this, now please go do something fun," as you take over the laundry, or make something for dinner. Why are you allowing her to tell you what to do?

Maybe you could consider hiring a cleaning service on a weekly basis to handle the housework and laundry. Perhaps you and your daughter can prepare a meal together - tell her one night she cooks, one night she goes out to eat with friends, you cook a couple of nights, the next night you make dinner together or go out for dinner.
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Old 08-14-2014, 05:39 PM
 
Location: Detroit,MI
58 posts, read 37,122 times
Reputation: 41
thanks for the great ideas, I'll definitely put them into action. I really appreciate it
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Old 08-14-2014, 05:41 PM
 
Location: Detroit,MI
58 posts, read 37,122 times
Reputation: 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by hml1976 View Post
Well I'm not a doctor but my guess would be that she is worried you will leave her too so she's trying to be perfect so you won't have a reason to. It's sad. I would make a point to tell her often that you're not going anywhere. Also, unless you need her to "pitch in" I would have her quit her job, she's putting enough responsibility on her shoulders without it. Choose something you can make (tacos are good) and declare Tuesdays "dad cooks night." Also, divide up the chores, write it down and follow through on your part.

Eta: we adopted our children and one of the things that the education classes we went to talked about was "perfection syndrome" where an adopted child tries to be the perfect child in the hopes that their new family won't abandon them like the previous one (s) did. This just sounds a little like that to me.
It might be the " perfection syndrome" I hope it isn't though, I don't expect perfection, nobody's perfect
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Old 08-14-2014, 05:42 PM
 
Location: Detroit,MI
58 posts, read 37,122 times
Reputation: 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by LiLShorty4lyfe View Post
Well I think the other posters summed it up pretty well. If she doesn't feel needed, she expects you'll leave too. I am sad for her. While it is sweet ,and shows she'll do just fine in life, you have to do all these things so she doesnt have to. Buy and use a crock pot 2-3 nights a week. Then nobody has to "cook" and it makes for more free time in the evenings. I dont think working is bad, but let her keep her money, don't let her contribute to bills. If she insists, hides money in your wallet, or pockets- put it away in a bank account for her. When she moves out, you gift that back to her, or sooner if the need arises.

Did she ever get counseling when mom left? That might be the route and solution to all of it. How old was she when mom left?
Would counseling be a good idea? She doesn't harbor ill feelings towards her, mainly because she hardly remembers her
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Old 08-14-2014, 05:48 PM
 
Location: Detroit,MI
58 posts, read 37,122 times
Reputation: 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Praline View Post
Why are you not responding to the posters who gave you advice on what you can actively do to improve the situation? You are the adult and the father and you are responsible for her, not the other way around. It sounds like she is a very nice young lady, but she may have emotional issues that you are ignoring and don't recognize. Maybe talking to a trusted third party (preferably female) would be good for both of you. A firm "No, I've got this, now please go do something fun," as you take over the laundry, or make something for dinner. Why are you allowing her to tell you what to do?

Maybe you could consider hiring a cleaning service on a weekly basis to handle the housework and laundry. Perhaps you and your daughter can prepare a meal together - tell her one night she cooks, one night she goes out to eat with friends, you cook a couple of nights, the next night you make dinner together or go out for dinner.
I get what your saying regards to " telling me what to do". She's never been a bad girl, but she's sensitive and I'm worried if I push it too far, she'll resent me or take what I'm saying the wrong way and have a mindset of " Mom left and now Dad doesn't want my help, I'm useless" The cooking sounds like a great idea
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Old 08-14-2014, 05:49 PM
 
421 posts, read 465,960 times
Reputation: 390
Therapy and counseling is usually a good idea in these situations. So as long as its a therapist you feel comfortable with and trust.
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Old 08-14-2014, 05:50 PM
 
Location: Detroit,MI
58 posts, read 37,122 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Montanama View Post
Whether she "wants" to or not, you are the parent and you should be doing the caregiving, not your daughter. Pitching in is one thing. Taking over all the domestic duties is another, and really not appropriate. She should be helping around the house, and you should be doing the bulk of work, not the other way around. It isn't enough for you to protest, "I could do that," and then let her do it anyway. Do it. It doesn't matter what her response is, that's your job and your proper role. You have let her be a sort of little wife (I don't mean that in a sick way, and it's not unusual at all for girls who are alone in a family with their fathers, for a lot of the reasons people have suggested on this thread) and though she is already an adult, it isn't too late for you to pick up the reigns in your household & help her understand that you're the dad, she's the child, and she doesn't have to "earn" your love.

Good on you for recognizing there's something off about the situation.
I'll admit that it has slipped into a situation where she is the " wife" to a certain degree
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Old 08-14-2014, 05:51 PM
 
421 posts, read 465,960 times
Reputation: 390
Quote:
Originally Posted by Praline View Post
Why are you not responding to the posters who gave you advice on what you can actively do to improve the situation? You are the adult and the father and you are responsible for her, not the other way around. It sounds like she is a very nice young lady, but she may have emotional issues that you are ignoring and don't recognize. Maybe talking to a trusted third party (preferably female) would be good for both of you. A firm "No, I've got this, now please go do something fun," as you take over the laundry, or make something for dinner. Why are you allowing her to tell you what to do?

Maybe you could consider hiring a cleaning service on a weekly basis to handle the housework and laundry. Perhaps you and your daughter can prepare a meal together - tell her one night she cooks, one night she goes out to eat with friends, you cook a couple of nights, the next night you make dinner together or go out for dinner.
People often need time to process new ideas and info.
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Old 08-14-2014, 05:51 PM
 
Location: Detroit,MI
58 posts, read 37,122 times
Reputation: 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by SUPbud View Post
Maybe not make the same mistakes her father did (speaking autobiographically, not insulting you).
I'd be mortified if she became pregnant at 16
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Old 08-14-2014, 05:53 PM
 
421 posts, read 465,960 times
Reputation: 390
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
I'll admit that it has slipped into a situation where she is the " wife" to a certain degree
You are a strong man to admit that. Being wiling. To change that will make you a great role model for your daughter.

I really would look into seeing a therapist yourself and talking through this stuff. And if he/she thinks your daughter could benefit, then see if she would be willing.
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