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Old 08-14-2014, 05:53 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,802,296 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
I'm 34, my daughter just turned 18. Yes, that math is correct, I became a father at 16. My ex wife( technically we're not divorced but we consider each other exes) and I were childhood friends who dated through high school. My wife is gone now, very messy situation, she did what she felt was best for her. So now it's just my daughter and I. Ever since she was around 14, she's had this incessant need to take care of me and I guess watch out for me. I'm not mad or annoyed, I think it's sweet. I've told her I'm a grown man who can do things for himself.

Every morning, before I wake up, she gets up and makes breakfast, I never asked her too, but she does anyway. Average day for her during the school year is: Get up, cook breakfast, go to school, go to work, come home, homework, cook dinner, chill, bed. Working was her idea, she wanted to " pitch in". I offer to cook, but she always tells me, she likes her food edible( I'm not that bad at cooking haha). She cleans the house about 50% of the time because " dirtiness annoys her".

Why does she do all this? Is it just the thought process of " Mom's gone, I need to step up to the plate."

I "fight" her on everything as in " You don't need to do that, I can..." but her response is " but I want too"
She is doing these things because she is now the woman of the house and she wants to see it run as smoothly as possible.
The best thing you can do is help her do things around the house like dust, run the sweeper, make sure the laundry is done, make sure groceries are available for her to cook when she wants to cook, find something you can cook that she thinks is edible and fix that a couple times a week.
Does she like salad? If so then get fresh salad ingredients, get everything washed and chopped and in separate bowls covered in the fridge so you both can snack on salad any time.
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Old 08-14-2014, 05:58 PM
 
Location: Detroit,MI
58 posts, read 35,875 times
Reputation: 41
I think another reason she " worries about me" and IDK if this has any effect, but I'll admit to being a little immature for my age. Maybe that plays a factor and she thinks that because I'm immature I'm not capable of doing certain things
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Old 08-14-2014, 06:10 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,471 posts, read 15,913,707 times
Reputation: 38735
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
I guess if you could call it " concern" I'm concerned for her social life. She's passed on parties and stuff because " it was laundry night" or " vacuum night". I told her I could, but she did it anyway
Do you really think that a teenager should feel obligated to pass up a party because it is "laundry night" for her father and her?

It sounds like she feels obligated to do the house work and cooking. Not that she wants to "help out" but that she feels that if she doesn't do it herself it will not get done.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
You've said a couple of times that you've told her you can do laundry and vacuum, etc., but do you actually do it? What happens if you beat her to the laundry or the other housework?
Next time, you do the housework first. Or, if she starts it, actually take over and insist that she go out and have fun with her friends.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Montanama View Post

Whether she "wants" to or not, you are the parent and you should be doing the caregiving, not your daughter. Pitching in is one thing. Taking over all the domestic duties is another, and really not appropriate. She should be helping around the house, and you should be doing the bulk of work, not the other way around. It isn't enough for you to protest, "I could do that," and then let her do it anyway. Do it. It doesn't matter what her response is, that's your job and your proper role. You have let her be a sort of little wife (I don't mean that in a sick way, and it's not unusual at all for girls who are alone in a family with their fathers, for a lot of the reasons people have suggested on this thread) and though she is already an adult, it isn't too late for you to pick up the reigns in your household & help her understand that you're the dad, she's the child, and she doesn't have to "earn" your love.

Good on you for recognizing there's something off about the situation.
You are the parent, it is your responsibility to take care of her and not the other way around.

Since she is doing so much now, I suspect that this has been building up over many years. I think that you will still be able to change it otherwise I would be concerned that she would never want to leave you (because she feels that you would not be capable of taking care of yourself without her help).

Do you really want her to give up her chance to marry and have a family because she feels obligated to stay with you and take care of you indefinitely? I doubt it. At least, I really hope not.
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Old 08-14-2014, 06:17 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,471 posts, read 15,913,707 times
Reputation: 38735
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
I'm 34, my daughter just turned 18. Yes, that math is correct, I became a father at 16.

. Ever since she was around 14, she's had this incessant need to take care of me and I guess watch out for me. I'm not mad or annoyed, I think it's sweet. I've told her I'm a grown man who can do things for himself.
(snip)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
I think another reason she " worries about me" and IDK if this has any effect, but I'll admit to being a little immature for my age. Maybe that plays a factor and she thinks that because I'm immature I'm not capable of doing certain things
You have to actually show her that you are a grown man who is capable of taking care of himself as well as a child (her). Apparently you have not shown her that you can do that.

Take the cooking example, your wife left 14 years ago and you still have not learned how to make nutritious, healthy and tasty food for you and your daughter in all of that time? Now, a teenage parent might have an excuse, even a 20 year old man whose wife did all of the cooking, but you are now 34 years old and had to prepare meals for the two of you for all of those years. What is your excuse now?
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Old 08-14-2014, 06:32 PM
 
10,388 posts, read 7,472,821 times
Reputation: 18308
You have an amazing daughter and we're all just envious. Take the money she contributes and stick it away for her. One day (probably not long now) she will be buying her own house and you can slap that down for her as a surprise.

She will be a wonderful wife for a very lucky man one day!
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Old 08-14-2014, 06:56 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,471 posts, read 15,913,707 times
Reputation: 38735
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
Like I said, she refuses to go to college more than 30 min. away, and she plans on commuting from home. It's why she won't go to MSU, its 90min away. Not trying to brag, but she did get a scholarship to UM, nut she wont go there either, it's over 30min away too. I told her to go to UM because of how great of a school it is and how great her future would be coming into a job interview with a degree from UM, but she's adamant, 30min or less.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hunterseat View Post
You have an amazing daughter and we're all just envious. Take the money she contributes and stick it away for her. One day (probably not long now) she will be buying her own house and you can slap that down for her as a surprise.

She will be a wonderful wife for a very lucky man one day!
hunterseat, I hope that you are right that she will someday want to move away from home and get married. I am not as confident as you are that will ever happen.

OP, I really hope that you listen to the suggestions that the fellow posters have given to you.

Since your daughter "insists" that she needs to live at home and commute to college be sure to encourage her to make friends on campus. Please don't let her fall into the pattern that she had during high school where she would choose to vacuum the house or do your laundry rather than go to a HS party or HS activity.
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Old 08-14-2014, 06:58 PM
 
Location: Wherever life takes me.
5,944 posts, read 6,379,685 times
Reputation: 3018
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
I'm 34, my daughter just turned 18. Yes, that math is correct, I became a father at 16. My ex wife( technically we're not divorced but we consider each other exes) and I were childhood friends who dated through high school. My wife is gone now, very messy situation, she did what she felt was best for her. So now it's just my daughter and I. Ever since she was around 14, she's had this incessant need to take care of me and I guess watch out for me. I'm not mad or annoyed, I think it's sweet. I've told her I'm a grown man who can do things for himself.

Every morning, before I wake up, she gets up and makes breakfast, I never asked her too, but she does anyway. Average day for her during the school year is: Get up, cook breakfast, go to school, go to work, come home, homework, cook dinner, chill, bed. Working was her idea, she wanted to " pitch in". I offer to cook, but she always tells me, she likes her food edible( I'm not that bad at cooking haha). She cleans the house about 50% of the time because " dirtiness annoys her".

Why does she do all this? Is it just the thought process of " Mom's gone, I need to step up to the plate."

I "fight" her on everything as in " You don't need to do that, I can..." but her response is " but I want too"
Im going to tell you what others have told me before here "quit yer bishing" LOL
Dude, sounds like you have an awesome kid you don't feel like you deserve or something.

Anyways, at 18 I didn't do any of that, consider yourself lucky.
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Old 08-14-2014, 07:15 PM
 
Location: Australia
8,011 posts, read 2,713,818 times
Reputation: 38423
Instead of letting your daughter do things FOR you, try switching things around and do things WITH her. Ask her to teach you how to cook some of the meals she makes and work with her in the kitchen chopping and peeling, learning about seasonings etc. When it's time to fold clean laundry do it with her. Ask her to show you how she folds T-shirts so neatly, etc. Doing these things will give you more time to chat together too... never a bad thing.

Maybe once she feels you do know how to do stuff around the house she'll be better able to feel comfortable leaving you to it and flying the nest.
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Old 08-14-2014, 07:55 PM
 
1,915 posts, read 3,209,426 times
Reputation: 2996
Quote:
Originally Posted by SUPbud View Post
I dont see what the problem is. Sounds like she'll keep a neat house, be a good cook, and will finish college.

Would you rather be complaining about: my daughter just covered her left arm with a sleeve tattoo, she got preggo, she smokes pot all day/I think she's on meth, she never cleans her room or helps out and doesn't want to go to college OR the armed forces?

Age-appropriate challenges: talk to her about her next steps -
what kind of career does she want? (working with people, numbers, or things?) Will she go to law/med/grad school? Is she dating and looking forward to moving out? At some point you do push baby bird out of the nest, but not before you've taught her not only to fly, but SOAR and fend for herself. Maybe not make the same mistakes her father did (speaking autobiographically, not insulting you).
I'm with you on this! Counseling for cleaning, making breakfast and having an after school job? Strange that people would recommend that.
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Old 08-14-2014, 07:58 PM
 
1,915 posts, read 3,209,426 times
Reputation: 2996
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
I think another reason she " worries about me" and IDK if this has any effect, but I'll admit to being a little immature for my age. Maybe that plays a factor and she thinks that because I'm immature I'm not capable of doing certain things
Okay, how have you not seen Pretty in Pink after that statement?
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