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Old 08-15-2014, 01:23 PM
 
Location: State of Washington (2016)
3,290 posts, read 2,180,354 times
Reputation: 12389

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
This morning, I woke up before her, and made her waffles, at least I think there was a waffle underneath the pound of chocolate chips and whipped cream. I did all the laundry and cleaned the rooms that she told me she was going to clean. I told her the next paycheck was for her, not for " pitch in money". I thanked her for everything. She had the biggest smile on her face. We did get a cleaning/cooking schedule planned

Monday+Tuesday I clean and cook
Wednesday + Thursday, she cleans and cooks( unless there's work that night or a big test)
Friday out to eat, share cleaning
Saturday- cook together, I clean( hoping she goes out)
Sunday- cook together, no cleaning

Way to go Ghostfacefan!
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Old 08-15-2014, 01:37 PM
 
16,724 posts, read 13,670,338 times
Reputation: 40996
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
This morning, I woke up before her, and made her waffles, at least I think there was a waffle underneath the pound of chocolate chips and whipped cream. I did all the laundry and cleaned the rooms that she told me she was going to clean. I told her the next paycheck was for her, not for " pitch in money". I thanked her for everything. She had the biggest smile on her face. We did get a cleaning/cooking schedule planned

Monday+Tuesday I clean and cook
Wednesday + Thursday, she cleans and cooks( unless there's work that night or a big test)
Friday out to eat, share cleaning
Saturday- cook together, I clean( hoping she goes out)
Sunday- cook together, no cleaning
Way to go Dad!
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Old 08-15-2014, 01:56 PM
 
Location: Waxhaw, NC
1,076 posts, read 1,923,939 times
Reputation: 1099
Awesome schedule. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck.
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Old 08-15-2014, 02:32 PM
 
13,009 posts, read 12,440,016 times
Reputation: 37270
There is something so incredibly sweet about this thread that I'm kind of getting weepy. Must be PMS :-/

OP, maybe she should see a therapist. Cripes - I'm getting sick of recommending that to people. It's been my fallback contribution to everything lately. But I worry for your daughter that she has not expanded her social life and that as she transitions to the adult world someone may take advantage of her giving nature.

Does she have any hobbies or interests?

You must be so proud of her. She sounds like a wonderful kid.
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Old 08-15-2014, 02:54 PM
 
Location: Tucson for awhile longer
8,874 posts, read 12,917,566 times
Reputation: 28957
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
I guess if you could call it "concern" I'm concerned for her social life. She's passed on parties and stuff because " it was laundry night" or " vacuum night". I told her I could, but she did it anyway
You SHOULD be concerned about her choosing chores over a social life. That's not healthy for a teenage girl. Is it possible that while you "tell" her she doesn't "have" to do these things, you don't put your actions where your words are by just simply stepping up to the plate and doing some of these jobs yourself in a timely manner?

A very different situation, but here's a parallel in my life: my mother who is nearing 90 lives with me. She has disabilities but is constantly lectured by her doctors that she needs to keep active and I am told I should not wait on her hand and foot for her own good. We have together chosen certain very simple chores around the house that she is physically capable of doing that she is "supposed" to do to pitch in. Like empty the dishwasher, close the drapes at night, turn on the outside lights, etc. But she never does them. It gets to the point I need the clean dishes in the machine. So then I empty it. If she does empty it, she puts away the glasses and dishes, but leaves the pans and serving bowls strewn all over the kitchen as if I won't notice she hasn't put them away. So what am I supposed to do? Yell at my mother? Of course I won't, so I just do what she has sloughed off which is exactly what she wants subconsciously, even though she would vehemently insist that she "wants to stay active." Is it possible you're like my Mom? You say you are willing to do these things because you know that's right, and maybe you intend to. But day-to-day it's in your interest that you don't have to, so you let her take over "just this once"?

If your daughter's "laundry night" is Wednesday, why don't you just do the laundry on Tuesday?

Also, do you encourage her to bring friends over to the house? Why not give her some movie passes once in awhile and tell her to take her friends to see a film? If she's just turned 18, is she planning to go to college? Are you encouraging her to go "away" to school and live in a dorm?
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Old 08-15-2014, 03:28 PM
 
Location: The Netherlands
289 posts, read 767,149 times
Reputation: 410
Dude you are lying to yourself. The reason why she does all those god awful tasks no child should be forced to (and she is forced to) is because no one else is gonna do it for her. Some poster asked if youve ever tried to do task yourself, your response was that only when its too rough on her. What youre teaching your daughter is that unless shes absolutely exhausted, no one will do the tasks for her, so she is stuck. Of course she wont even go to college 30 minutes away, she is completely stuck with you and your house, because she knows there is no one else for the work. How does she know that? Because thats how it has been her whole life! If you slapped a big "I have to do household chores" signs on her head it wouldn't make it any more obvious... She feels guilty because you have to take care of her all alone and is worried you hate her for it and will leave her (any child whos mother left them would have such concerns), so of course she never complains..... Solution? Just do your bloody parenting, youre the father not the child, what youre doing borders on emotional blackmail.
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Old 08-15-2014, 03:31 PM
 
4,586 posts, read 4,410,382 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
I'm 34, my daughter just turned 18. Yes, that math is correct, I became a father at 16. My ex wife( technically we're not divorced but we consider each other exes) and I were childhood friends who dated through high school. My wife is gone now, very messy situation, she did what she felt was best for her. So now it's just my daughter and I. Ever since she was around 14, she's had this incessant need to take care of me and I guess watch out for me. I'm not mad or annoyed, I think it's sweet. I've told her I'm a grown man who can do things for himself.

Every morning, before I wake up, she gets up and makes breakfast, I never asked her too, but she does anyway. Average day for her during the school year is: Get up, cook breakfast, go to school, go to work, come home, homework, cook dinner, chill, bed. Working was her idea, she wanted to " pitch in". I offer to cook, but she always tells me, she likes her food edible( I'm not that bad at cooking haha). She cleans the house about 50% of the time because " dirtiness annoys her".

Why does she do all this? Is it just the thought process of " Mom's gone, I need to step up to the plate."

I "fight" her on everything as in " You don't need to do that, I can..." but her response is " but I want too"
Please don't tell her she "doesn't need to do all that"; it's VERY DISMISSIVE.

Just be appreciative, and move on. Be grateful she's not doing drugs or God know what else. If she didn't enjoy it, she would complain about it, so if she's not complaining, just appreciate it.
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Old 08-15-2014, 03:39 PM
 
1,369 posts, read 1,726,986 times
Reputation: 1645
Consider yourself lucky that you have a great daughter that isn't knocked up, taking drugs or skipping school. She seems like a good kid and you should be proud of yourself.
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Old 08-15-2014, 04:22 PM
 
2,581 posts, read 3,141,406 times
Reputation: 6694
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghostfacefan View Post
This morning, I woke up before her, and made her waffles, at least I think there was a waffle underneath the pound of chocolate chips and whipped cream. I did all the laundry and cleaned the rooms that she told me she was going to clean. I told her the next paycheck was for her, not for " pitch in money". I thanked her for everything. She had the biggest smile on her face. We did get a cleaning/cooking schedule planned

Monday+Tuesday I clean and cook
Wednesday + Thursday, she cleans and cooks( unless there's work that night or a big test)
Friday out to eat, share cleaning
Saturday- cook together, I clean( hoping she goes out)
Sunday- cook together, no cleaning


This is so lovely. Way to go Dad. I hope it warmed your heart to see the smile on her face.

Good luck trying to follow your schedule, which looks wonderful. Now try to tell her every once in awhile that you feel so lucky to have her for a daughter. I've found that many men/father have a hard time with the "love" word... but I think you can say that sentence.

And don't push her too much about going out. She will blossom on her own, when you support her and encourage her. She may also be quiet/introverted by nature, and get satisfaction and security from taking care of you and your home and more solitary activities. If that is the case, being pushed to go out all the time might make her fear like she isn't normal/acceptable to you. Just let her know that she can take a break on her "off nights", but be ok if she spends them at home.
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Old 08-16-2014, 10:02 AM
 
Location: Detroit,MI
58 posts, read 35,875 times
Reputation: 41
I wanted to sit down with her and just talk with her. I asked her if, at at point, she's felt forced to cleaned or overwhelmed. She says she has felt overwhelmed, but never forced. I apologized for the times I didn't realize she felt overwhelmed. I promised to take a great deal of work off of her shoulders. The reason she wants to stay close is not " to take care of me
". She's " Daddy's little girl", not the I wanted a blue BMW but you hate me and got me a red one" spoiled type though, she just wants to be close. Her thinking( which I told her was absurd) is that if she leaves I'll feel abandoned. I told her I'd be fine and would be cool with any school she wanted whether it be across the street or on Mars. I promised to visit.

She told me her favorite memory was the night before her 5th birthday. She remembers me sitting at the table, drinking a beer, and she'd gotten out of her bed( past bedtime), come into the kitchen, gotten a box of Oreos and poured a glass of milk. She recalls me asking " Why are you up? It's bedtime" and " who said you could have cookies?" Both questions were answered with " Daddy I'm almost 5, I can make my own choices"

It's weird though because, I try not to think of my ex( for obvious reasons), but my daughter, looks and acts just like her, it's spooky.

Last edited by Ghostfacefan; 08-16-2014 at 10:10 AM..
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