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Old 08-18-2014, 10:55 AM
 
Location: Ohio
5,627 posts, read 4,652,140 times
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also day 2 clearance is NOT the only time PP depression can be. Women have it months later.

I dont think she wants to work but it sounds almost like you have made her feel like she has no choice.
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Old 08-18-2014, 11:00 AM
 
6,461 posts, read 6,112,547 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Penga25 View Post
she is a pharmacist at a hospital, her normal schedule is m-f 6:30am- 3pm, she is only doing the weekends from august to october because she wants to keep baby out of daycare as long as she can. shes back to work fulltime but using 2 vacation days a week. she will be back to m-f and then we will use daycare.

my wife has always had angry issues but since going back to work, shes been upset, angry, mad, spiteful but head over heals with our baby.

also, why is it odd that i let my baby fall asleep in my arms. its not my "way" i usually put her down for naps when shes yawn, rubs eyes, etc. if shes inconsolable i dont just let her cry it out in bed with tears running down her face, i hold her and usually in a few minutes shes out and i put her back in her crib.
I used to rock my child until she was sleepy and then put her down. I thought you were rocking her until she was completely out, which is fine for some people but it can lead to sleep issues later on. Kids have to learn how to fall asleep on their own, but the CIO method can be a bit extreme. I think a middle ground is the best.

You need to come to a consensus or she will continue to resent you and be angry.

Pharmacists can often work part time, especially if she works for a national chain. I know Walgreens in my area is getting rid of some higher priced pharmacists and getting part timers. It's happened to two people I know. Maybe that might be an option.

Find out what is the cause of the anger.
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Old 08-18-2014, 11:00 AM
 
Location: Waxhaw, NC
1,076 posts, read 1,928,813 times
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Well this is just my 2 cents but if their lifestyle (one she lives too) requires her to go back to work, then they need to find another way to compromise and resolve the situation, that doesn't involve telling her she can stay home. Marriage is a two way street and them coming together on parenting needs to be done whether she works or not. She shouldn't have a choice if he doesn't too. It sounds like the schedule they came up with is what works best for their current situation. She needs help if shes depressed and she needs to open up and talk to her husband so this doesn't fester within her. Communication can go a long ways to making someone feel better.

OP- make sure you are listening to her. Don't "reassure her" by blowing off her concerns. Listen, repeat and work together.
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Old 08-18-2014, 11:02 AM
 
6,461 posts, read 6,112,547 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Madeline2121 View Post
It's still a little young for CIO, so I see no problem letting a 5 month old fall asleep in your arms. Go with your gut on that issue, OP, because everyone has an opinion on such issues.

It sounds to me like your wife might be feeling overwhelmed. It's hard for most women to return to work after maternity leave. She may also be feeling guilty about leaving baby to go back to work. Also remember that her hormones are still working back to normal levels. Irritability is also a symptom of depression, so maybe she is depressed. My point is that it could be a number of things going on with her, so your best bet is to try to talk to her about how she is feeling, and what can be done to help her.

The problem with both of them going with their gut is that it is causing serious issues in their marriage. They need to find some middle ground between rocking to sleep and CIO. Whatever they decide, it should be with each giving a little.
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Old 08-18-2014, 11:05 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,224 posts, read 37,829,922 times
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I want to add that it is common when one parent keeps the baby for most of the time that here will be conflict when the other parent comes in for his/her "shift," so to speak.

I saw it frequently with my friends who were married to husbands who traveled M-Th for work. I often heard arguments about "that's not THE WAY we do it," or, "I worked hard all week to stop that habit, and then you come in on the weekend and get the baby started up again." My husband worked 65-70 hours a week when our twins were infants, and we fell into that pattern as well.

The problem may be rocking to sleep this month, pacifier next month, then feeding issues, then TV etc. The "rocking" issue is only a symptom of the REAL issue you two need to work on. Resentment will build, then you two will fight it out, one will almost certainly be accused of being controlling, etc.

I think you need to decide if her income is worth this.

Parenting is a partnership that requires almost constant clear and blameless communication.


But you need to find out what is behind her anger.
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Old 08-18-2014, 11:09 AM
 
156 posts, read 214,695 times
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My two cents - finding a label "is she depressed" may not totally help you. (That said a medical diagnosis is critical; dont mess around with that)

When we had our first, the first year was a very ugly time in our otherwise nice marriage. The hormones take months to settle, the stress itself is exhausting, the worry, guilt, conflicting priorities, and just the new-ness of it all. PLus having grandma around may present a new stress.

To me your wife sounds very tired and stressed and hormonal. There are some environmental things you can facilitate in addition to medical. For example, cutting sugar, alcohol, carbs in general. Ensuring there is at least a little exercise and time spent outside. Hire every possible help you can for housework, etc. Cut the screens (TV, phones, iPads, etc).

The advice I give all new moms is to try to parent separately the first year! I'll bet no one agrees with me - they say get on the same page - but I made myself crazy wanting my husband to do things my way. Oh boy and I used to pummel him with angry texts out of sheer hormonal exhausted desperation.

Whatever you do, know this time will pass. Dont make any permanent decisions...we just had baby #2 and its sooooo much easier!
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Old 08-18-2014, 11:14 AM
 
Location: Mississippi
1,246 posts, read 1,716,860 times
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My take on what the OP posted was that the wife was feeling overwhelmed after a morning of therapy and doctor appoint with baby. Baby wouldn't stop crying so wife put baby in crib so she could step away from screaming baby for a second and catch her breath. Meanwhile, OP was watching all of this on the cameras while at work and then called his wife, who was already dealing with a screaming baby, to ask her why she wasn't doing things the way they had agreed upon. Wife got angry, so she said something hoping to make dh angry then unplugged everything to get some peace from husband so she could deal with baby. My question is why is OP trying to parent over mom's shoulder via video cam while he is at work?
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Old 08-18-2014, 11:23 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,224 posts, read 37,829,922 times
Reputation: 74002
Quote:
Originally Posted by Madeline2121 View Post
My question is why is OP trying to parent over mom's shoulder via video cam while he is at work?
Yeah, that's definitely not going to help with her anger issues.

OP, honestly, do you constantly second-guess your wife??
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Old 08-18-2014, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Southwest Minneapolis
492 posts, read 538,249 times
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My uneducated, uninformed opinion from experience is that modern motherhood messes with women's heads, especially if they are emotional, sensitive and/or a little volatile by nature.

In my case, it wasn't going back to work, but just readjusting to business as usual in general. There are definitely physical/chemical/hormonal changes that take place after birth as well as situational changes. Does your wife get less sleep now? Is she taking the brunt of the burden with tending to the baby in the middle of the night? Does she spend a lot of (perhaps too much?) time where its just her, the baby and her idle mind Monday-Friday?

If so, you will find plenty of doctors that will throw some drugs at her, but this probably isn't clinical depression. Its probably a really tired woman that is trying to balance modern life and hard wired instincts. I think those two conflict quite a bit. If she had some anger issues before this, having a baby will just take those issues and inject them full of steroids and stimulants.

The bad news is that I don't think there is an easy solution or miracle pill for this. If your situation is like mine (and I think it is) your wife is feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, jealous, insecure, confused and all kinds of other nasty stuff that you're taking the brunt of.

The same attributes that probably make your wife a great mom that would do anything for her child also can make her a nightmare for you to be around. Just as the things that make you a good modern dad make her see you more of a competitor and less of a partner. The gender roles in families were pretty much the same from the beginning of time up until a generation or two ago. We have a lot of accumulated evolutionary baggage to deal with.

It sounds like it drives your wife crazy that she can't be with the baby all of the time because she has to work and transfer her role to you. Consciously or subconsciously, she probably feels like the time you spend with the baby takes away form time and attention that you used to give to her. There's probably nothing you can do about any of that.

The one thing I would suggest, instead of trying to talk through issues etc. is to try and reconnect with her one and one. Go out. Just the two of you. Get a sitter. No talk of babies/bills/jobs etc. Talk about hopes, dreams, flowers, puppy dogs, whatever. Make her feel special. See where that gets you.

I think it was George Carlin that said, "men are stupid, women are crazy." You can probably think your way out of this if you don't react to her anger with anger etc.
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Old 08-18-2014, 12:23 PM
 
1,915 posts, read 3,214,843 times
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She doesn't want to work. Adjust your lifestyle to allow her to be home and turn off the camera.
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