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Old 08-18-2014, 08:22 AM
 
799 posts, read 912,997 times
Reputation: 778

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this might be a bit of a rant but here goes

my wife has gone back to work now after being on maternity leave for 5 months. the arrangement we have right now is i work m-f and she works fri-sat-sun while her grandma watches our daughter fridays. we have internet cameras in the home so we can both see our baby when we miss her. she has done 3 weekends of work now and its been the same each week, she dreads thursdays and get touchy/upset/angry and is overall unpleasant to be around the days shes works. she texts/calls me most of the weekend how she misses her or how something on the camera was cute but comes home happy or upset, a bit manic really. our relationship has deteriorated tremendously in the last 3 weeks. (we've been married 3 years and together 13), everything i do upsets her or annoys her and if i do something like hold our crying baby to sleep she gets mad because its not what we agreed upon to get her to sleep.

i'm all for being on the same page for parenting styles but i also know what worked when she was a month old is different at 5 months, baby is growing and learning so i also adapt to what i need to do for her to sleep and eat, etc. i make sure to tell my wife everything i've done (she can see on cameras either way) so she knows if i introduced something new to baby.

today i am back at work and our child had physical therapy, she has torticolis of the neck and recently got fitted for a DOC helment because of flat head. my wife brought her and now that shes home she has decided to leave the baby in the crib crying refusing to let her fall asleep on her. i called her and she said (passive aggressivly) since we are both doing whatever we want with her i'm just going to let her cry till her next feed and also unplugged cameras and stopped answering calls from me.

i am concerned she is projecting her issues with going back to work/me on to our baby. when i take care of baby on the weekends, she is an angel, sleeps well, eats, plays, and barley cries but when my wife is home she tells me the opposite.

i dont know what to do anymore, anytime i talk with her she gets defensive or verbally abusiveness, saying downright mean things that you would never say to a partner. i think she needs to talk to a shrink because i feel she has anger issues and is possible depressed. she was evaluated for post partum in the hospital after birth (day 2) but was cleared.


has anyone here dealt with depression/frustrations going back to work leaving your baby at home, or dealt with the wives feelings this way? i know i haven't changed and always do my best to make my wifes life easier, just seems like nothing is cuttin' it anymore
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Old 08-18-2014, 08:30 AM
 
1,640 posts, read 3,179,301 times
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Does she have to go back to work? Because it sounds like she doesn't want to. I've been a SAHM for 18 years so I know what it's like to want to stay home and raise your babies rather than work. If money is an issue, could you get a part-time job to supplement the income?

And yes, she could be depressed. Postpartum depression is very real.
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Old 08-18-2014, 08:41 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,026 posts, read 37,656,456 times
Reputation: 73631
Maybe. Whatever it is it's not good for either of you, and it's possibly dangerous for the baby.

Help her get help ASAP.
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Old 08-18-2014, 08:48 AM
 
799 posts, read 912,997 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shaylahc View Post
Does she have to go back to work? Because it sounds like she doesn't want to. I've been a SAHM for 18 years so I know what it's like to want to stay home and raise your babies rather than work. If money is an issue, could you get a part-time job to supplement the income?

And yes, she could be depressed. Postpartum depression is very real.

we have talked about her being home fulltime. she makes a bit over 100k/yr and I, a bit more. we live in a pretty high COL area but could do with just my income. we both agree though that her working is more beneficial to our daughter future in the long run. she will start daycare in october when grandma goes back to work any my wife goes back to a m-f schedule. her salary is too high to throw away to stay at home. obviously in a perfect world i could double my income right now and she would stay at home. i have about 10 years to get to a salary where ill have her quit. (if she wants)
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Old 08-18-2014, 08:50 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,026 posts, read 37,656,456 times
Reputation: 73631
Quote:
Originally Posted by Penga25 View Post
we have talked about her being home fulltime. she makes a bit over 100k/yr and I, a bit more. we live in a pretty high COL area but could do with just my income. we both agree though that her working is more beneficial to our daughter future in the long run. she will start daycare in october when grandma goes back to work any my wife goes back to a m-f schedule. her salary is too high to throw away.
What is her job?
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Old 08-18-2014, 08:53 AM
 
Location: Mississippi
1,246 posts, read 1,712,600 times
Reputation: 2486
So your wife started acting this way only after she went back to work?
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Old 08-18-2014, 08:56 AM
 
6,461 posts, read 6,094,894 times
Reputation: 9778
Quote:
Originally Posted by Penga25 View Post
this might be a bit of a rant but here goes

my wife has gone back to work now after being on maternity leave for 5 months. the arrangement we have right now is i work m-f and she works fri-sat-sun while her grandma watches our daughter fridays. we have internet cameras in the home so we can both see our baby when we miss her. she has done 3 weekends of work now and its been the same each week, she dreads thursdays and get touchy/upset/angry and is overall unpleasant to be around the days shes works. she texts/calls me most of the weekend how she misses her or how something on the camera was cute but comes home happy or upset, a bit manic really. our relationship has deteriorated tremendously in the last 3 weeks. (we've been married 3 years and together 13), everything i do upsets her or annoys her and if i do something like hold our crying baby to sleep she gets mad because its not what we agreed upon to get her to sleep.

i'm all for being on the same page for parenting styles but i also know what worked when she was a month old is different at 5 months, baby is growing and learning so i also adapt to what i need to do for her to sleep and eat, etc. i make sure to tell my wife everything i've done (she can see on cameras either way) so she knows if i introduced something new to baby.

today i am back at work and our child had physical therapy, she has torticolis of the neck and recently got fitted for a DOC helment because of flat head. my wife brought her and now that shes home she has decided to leave the baby in the crib crying refusing to let her fall asleep on her. i called her and she said (passive aggressivly) since we are both doing whatever we want with her i'm just going to let her cry till her next feed and also unplugged cameras and stopped answering calls from me.

i am concerned she is projecting her issues with going back to work/me on to our baby. when i take care of baby on the weekends, she is an angel, sleeps well, eats, plays, and barley cries but when my wife is home she tells me the opposite.

i dont know what to do anymore, anytime i talk with her she gets defensive or verbally abusiveness, saying downright mean things that you would never say to a partner. i think she needs to talk to a shrink because i feel she has anger issues and is possible depressed. she was evaluated for post partum in the hospital after birth (day 2) but was cleared.


has anyone here dealt with depression/frustrations going back to work leaving your baby at home, or dealt with the wives feelings this way? i know i haven't changed and always do my best to make my wifes life easier, just seems like nothing is cuttin' it anymore

There are a few issues going on here.

1. You have different parenting styles. You let your 5 month old fall asleep in your arms? That's a bit old for that IMO. Your wife probably feels the same way. You need to come to a consensus on this. Both of you need to compromise.

2. You have completely different work schedules. Do you get to spend time together as a couple? That can cause some of the marital issues. Also, when you ignore your wife's ideas completely it can make her feel disrespected.

3. Were these issues apparent before she started back to work? She may resent the schedule or whatever.

4. If you truly think your wife is depressed, take steps to help her immediately.

if this was me I would try to resolve the issues by having an honest and calm talk with your wife. Tell her that you know she is miserable and you want to fix some of the issues. Come up with a plan together and implement it. Read some parenting books together.
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Old 08-18-2014, 09:01 AM
 
6,461 posts, read 6,094,894 times
Reputation: 9778
Quote:
Originally Posted by Penga25 View Post
we have talked about her being home fulltime. she makes a bit over 100k/yr and I, a bit more. we live in a pretty high COL area but could do with just my income. we both agree though that her working is more beneficial to our daughter future in the long run. she will start daycare in october when grandma goes back to work any my wife goes back to a m-f schedule. her salary is too high to throw away to stay at home. obviously in a perfect world i could double my income right now and she would stay at home. i have about 10 years to get to a salary where ill have her quit. (if she wants)
Why not start the day are and M-F work schedule now? Then you can spend the weekend as a family.

The baby will learn to fall asleep on her own at school and night times will be easier.

BTW, money isn't everything. A happy family is worth more to a child than an extra 100,000$ a year. Not saying that is the case here, but it's something to consider.
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Old 08-18-2014, 09:41 AM
 
799 posts, read 912,997 times
Reputation: 778
she is a pharmacist at a hospital, her normal schedule is m-f 6:30am- 3pm, she is only doing the weekends from august to october because she wants to keep baby out of daycare as long as she can. shes back to work fulltime but using 2 vacation days a week. she will be back to m-f and then we will use daycare.

my wife has always had angry issues but since going back to work, shes been upset, angry, mad, spiteful but head over heals with our baby.

also, why is it odd that i let my baby fall asleep in my arms. its not my "way" i usually put her down for naps when shes yawn, rubs eyes, etc. if shes inconsolable i dont just let her cry it out in bed with tears running down her face, i hold her and usually in a few minutes shes out and i put her back in her crib.
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Old 08-18-2014, 09:50 AM
 
Location: Mississippi
1,246 posts, read 1,712,600 times
Reputation: 2486
It's still a little young for CIO, so I see no problem letting a 5 month old fall asleep in your arms. Go with your gut on that issue, OP, because everyone has an opinion on such issues.

It sounds to me like your wife might be feeling overwhelmed. It's hard for most women to return to work after maternity leave. She may also be feeling guilty about leaving baby to go back to work. Also remember that her hormones are still working back to normal levels. Irritability is also a symptom of depression, so maybe she is depressed. My point is that it could be a number of things going on with her, so your best bet is to try to talk to her about how she is feeling, and what can be done to help her.
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