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Old 01-02-2008, 11:52 AM
 
2,222 posts, read 9,137,109 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by june 7th View Post
But in a way I suppose I would like to think that every tear I shed somehow helped me to separate, to let go, and to diminish the longing that felt so empty. It passes; I promise you it does. --And when it does, you will be able to welcome a whole new relationship with him. He'll change, "grow up" and be an adult. But you, in his mind, and in his heart, will always be his mom...And even as they grow up, they continue to need and want to be "emotionally held" in those ways that they inherently know that only their mothers can provide.

We never really let go, I don't think. Because even after they may have temporarily let go of us, we are still there, hand out stretched, and they know that it's there, and when and how to find it. It's just that the hand holding yours is a bit bigger now...
My son is in his early 30's now. We always had a close relationship, we could talk about anything. That changed in his late teens. We always had a connection, but the closeness went away for awhile. I think that was the time he was finding out who he was as a man. My DH told me to be patient, that he will come back to me. Well he finally did just before he turned 30. Our relationship is different now, it has matured. I like the man he has grown in to.

June's post said it all. Beautifully written. Beth
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Old 01-02-2008, 02:20 PM
 
Location: in a house
5,835 posts, read 3,882,521 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beth56 View Post
My son is in his early 30's now. We always had a close relationship, we could talk about anything. That changed in his late teens. We always had a connection, but the closeness went away for awhile. I think that was the time he was finding out who he was as a man. My DH told me to be patient, that he will come back to me. Well he finally did just before he turned 30. Our relationship is different now, it has matured. I like the man he has grown in to.

June's post said it all. Beautifully written. Beth
I swear, just re-reading June's post makes me cry all over again. Beth, did your son move away after he graduated high school? I can't even think about that yet!
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Old 01-02-2008, 03:11 PM
 
2,222 posts, read 9,137,109 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by puffle View Post
I swear, just re-reading June's post makes me cry all over again. Beth, did your son move away after he graduated high school? I can't even think about that yet!
No, he lives near me with his wife and kids. It would be very hard if one of us had to move away. But I know we would find a way to make it work.

I was a single parent when he was a teenager. We had a lot to deal with, but we got through it. When I see the man he has become, those years make sense to me now, and why it happens.
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Old 01-02-2008, 03:57 PM
 
Location: in a house
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Good job Beth. I on the other hand couldn't wait to leave home. First move more than 20 miles away was when I was 34. Now I live 3000 miles away and I love it. Never had a close relationship with my parents. Once a year my Dad gets mad at me and won't talk to me for months at a time. Being far away just makes the control issues go away. Never will have this with my son. I think it is healthy for them to move away from home though even though it will kill me. My neices both have fantastic relationships with our families but moved out of state for college which I think helps them grow more than staying close enough to bring laundry home.
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Old 01-09-2008, 07:46 AM
 
Location: in a house
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OK..I was doing well there for awhile but the communication between my son and I has almost completely shut down. Once he is home from school he shuts himself in his room for the entire night except to get something to eat or say hi to one of "his" dogs that is always laying with me. Doesn't say hi to me...just the dog. I missed him so much last night while I was in my room right next to his that I just had to peak my head in the door, say hi and give him a kiss on his head while he watched tv. He told me he wants to be alone and if he needs to talk to someone he will talk to his friends. He and my husband are at great odds, as usual and this is effecting him greatly and unfortunetly me too. They don't know how to communicate with each other, especially my husband and my son doesn't want to have anything to do with him. My greatest fear is that once my son is old enough to leave, he won't come back to visit because of his poor relationship with my husband and that will kill me.
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Old 01-09-2008, 09:46 AM
 
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Puffle, you also just moved 3000 miles and that's got to be weighing on his mind. I agree with the others. Give him his space but let him know you are there to talk. Do you guys ever get time together in the car ---just the 2 of you? I find that's when my kids are most likely to open up. Must be the lack of eye-to-eye contact! Though (knock on wood), I'm lucky that I haven't experienced the overall surliness. They do filter what they tell me--I can tell---but they do talk to me.

They're also more reticent about talking to my husband because he's quick to jump to conclusions and lecture. Not much I can do about it. Either he will find his own way to a good relationship with them or not.
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Old 01-09-2008, 10:43 AM
 
Location: in a house
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NChomesomeday View Post
Puffle, you also just moved 3000 miles and that's got to be weighing on his mind. I agree with the others. Give him his space but let him know you are there to talk. Do you guys ever get time together in the car ---just the 2 of you? I find that's when my kids are most likely to open up. Must be the lack of eye-to-eye contact! Though (knock on wood), I'm lucky that I haven't experienced the overall surliness. They do filter what they tell me--I can tell---but they do talk to me.

They're also more reticent about talking to my husband because he's quick to jump to conclusions and lecture. Not much I can do about it. Either he will find his own way to a good relationship with them or not.
My husband was just taken by ambulance to the hospital complaining of chest pains and I couldn't be there because he has the only car including car keys. Waiting for a friend to get off work to take me there. No cash for taxi.
My son use to request just spending time with me but my husband would get offended and make my son feel bad so he doesn't ask except to go buy him something or shuttle him somewhere.
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Old 01-09-2008, 11:19 AM
 
12,389 posts, read 13,081,092 times
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If any thread is going to have me in tears, this one is....the posts are beautiful.

These helped me:
1. When I was pregnant with my first son someone said, "Start letting go of him the day you walk out the hospital with your newborn in your arms."

2. It is heart-wrenching, it is normal, it is healthy, that the people I love best and most in this world change form before my very eyes and go off into the world with their own lives and I feel left behind...but that means I have done a good job as a parent, that is exactly what I want for him, to be an independent person with a life and mind of his own.

3. This too shall pass. Yes as a teenager he disappears before my eyes in terms of time and communication, but as other posts have said VOILA! like magic one day he is once again more present and more communicative, this time as an adult peer to peer with me, a whole new level of satisfaction and delight for me as a parent.

4. The ways I continue to feel close to him are a willingness to talk about his interests and educate myself about them so when he does open up and share I have some common ground. More listening and responding from me, less talking at him or to him to deliver all the messages I felt I needed to deliver to him as a parent.

5. The nature of the relationship definitely changes form, but he still remains my darling beloved son. I still get to let him know how wonderful he is, how proud I am of him, how much I love him, and that I am there if he needs me, he has my encouragement and support. Even if he poo-poohs this or rolls his eyes, it is important he know this and it is a treasure I can give him.

6. I get to figure out and put into action, "Now what do I do with the rest of my life?!" and this in itself is a joy and freedom. When I keep the focus on myself and the things that bring me joy, I feel less needy around my kids, and more fulfilled and satisfied as an individual. So I get to explore my own hobbies, my own interests, my other relationships (and if I find I don't have any, then I get to go about creating some).
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Old 01-09-2008, 11:28 AM
 
12,389 posts, read 13,081,092 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by puffle View Post
My son use to request just spending time with me but my husband would get offended and make my son feel bad so he doesn't ask except to go buy him something or shuttle him somewhere.
And it is never too late to have or build a relationship with him, whether it is 1 or 2 or 10 years down the road. Even through periods of silence or sullenness or disconnection or unresponsiveness, it is meaningful for him to hear and see and feel and know, over and over, "I'm here for you, let me know if there's anything I can do to help, you have my support" and "I think the world of you, I love you"

His relationship with you is distinctly separate from his relationship with his dad. Kids are smart, they know what's going on. His dad may try to put a wedge between your son and you (my kids' dad sure did) and it may take time, but your son as an emerging adult has choices about his relationships individually with each of you.
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Old 01-09-2008, 11:46 AM
 
3,031 posts, read 8,149,508 times
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Originally Posted by DimSumRaja View Post

His relationship with you is distinctly separate from his relationship with his dad. Kids are smart, they know what's going on. His dad may try to put a wedge between your son and you (my kids' dad sure did) and it may take time, but your son as an emerging adult has choices about his relationships individually with each of you.
I agree with this. My husband and I agree on a large part of parenting our kids but in general, he is wound up much tighter, and in more desperate need to be "in control" than I am on some of the smaller issues and it affects his relationship with the kids. I used to worry about it; step in to try to mediate only to cause a big argument between my husband and me. I've recently decided this will have to be his cross to bear. Example: He gets wound up about the length of the boys' hair. I don't think it's worth falling on a sword--my only requirement is that it's clean. But every so often, he'll get on a tear and force them for haircuts. Is it going to be worth it in the long run? I think not but he says "they represent our family and they need to look good". I've decided to just silently disagree and let him fight this one out with them. At some point he'll hopefully decide it's not worth the damage it's' doing to his relationship with them.

I hope your husband is ok!
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