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OP is confirming the well-known theory that children of abusive parents tend to be abusive themselves. Her father was a tyrant, and she is doing the same to her daughter. Yes, teens and adolescents are often brats. But this is what you signed up for, OP, when you chose to become a parent. Your daughter is no different from the millions of other teens out there. Confrontational methods to address the situation will only make things worse. Please stop abusing your daughter. You are the adult in this situation - don't expect her to cope or react in the same manner as you.
Wait a minute. It's abusive to send your child to her room because she's being insolent? I believe it's very responsible for a parent who's losing her temper -- Who among us hasn't been there? -- to enforce a time-out that allows everyone to calm down. I have certainly used this technique with my children. Usually it's gone something like this: "You are pushing my buttons right now, so before either one of us says or does something we'll regret, I need you to go to your room. Right. Now." And I've already outlined a situation in which I dismissed a child from the dinner table, but I wasn't accused of abuse. What am I missing?
Wait a minute. It's abusive to send your child to her room because she's being insolent? I believe it's very responsible for a parent who's losing her temper -- Who among us hasn't been there? -- to enforce a time-out that allows everyone to calm down. I have certainly used this technique with my children. Usually it's gone something like this: "You are pushing my buttons right now, so before either one of us says or does something we'll regret, I need you to go to your room. Right. Now." And I've already outlined a situation in which I dismissed a child from the dinner table, but I wasn't accused of abuse. What am I missing?
You also didn't tell the child you didn't want to see them, try to refuse them food altogether and then go off pouting in the other room when the child took steps to correct there behavior and apologize.
OP is confirming the well-known theory that children of abusive parents tend to be abusive themselves. Her father was a tyrant, and she is doing the same to her daughter. Yes, teens and adolescents are often brats. But this is what you signed up for, OP, when you chose to become a parent. Your daughter is no different from the millions of other teens out there. Confrontational methods to address the situation will only make things worse. Please stop abusing your daughter. You are the adult in this situation - don't expect her to cope or react in the same manner as you.
Oh good grief. Kudzu is definitely not an abusive parent. While I wouldn't have removed myself from the dinner table either, it makes sense to walk away when dealing with kids intent on pushing buttons.
Parents need to set boundaries as soon as this teen angst starts if they have any chance of keeping it to a minimum.
In my experience, sending the kid to her room is no punishment if there is a tv, computer or cell phone in that room. The way to get a kids attention is to take away ALL the perks you provide, and make her earn them back.
There is a weekly parenting column in our Atlanta paper by a guy named John Rosemond, and this is exactly what he advocates. Go to the bedroom and remove everything that is not related to sleeping, getting dressed and doing homework. Then explain to the child that her behavior is unacceptable and she will get her items back only by earning them through proper respect for her family, completion of chores and doing homework without putting up a fuss.
Your child will protest loudly and be in total disbelief that she is being treated this way. Don't start giving back any items for at least a week, and only if the child earns it. If she digresses and lashes out, re-take the items you have already restored.
This will probably be a frustrating experience for you, but stick to your guns and make her earn her way back into your good graces. It will be a lesson well learned...if she is already acting like this at 12 years old, it will only get worse if you don't do something NOW. Do NOT allow a 12 year old to run your house and drive a wedge between you and your husband.
In my experience, sending the kid to her room is no punishment if there is a tv, computer or cell phone in that room. The way to get a kids attention is to take away ALL the perks you provide, and make her earn them back.
There is a weekly parenting column in our Atlanta paper by a guy named John Rosemond, and this is exactly what he advocates. Go to the bedroom and remove everything that is not related to sleeping, getting dressed and doing homework. Then explain to the child that her behavior is unacceptable and she will get her items back only by earning them through proper respect for her family, completion of chores and doing homework without putting up a fuss.
Your child will protest loudly and be in total disbelief that she is being treated this way. Don't start giving back any items for at least a week, and only if the child earns it. If she digresses and lashes out, re-take the items you have already restored.
This will probably be a frustrating experience for you, but stick to your guns and make her earn her way back into your good graces. It will be a lesson well learned...if she is already acting like this at 12 years old, it will only get worse if you don't do something NOW.
While I've seen this strategy work for extreme cases of persistent bad behavior.....it's not something to do right off the bat for a minor and correctable offense. Save it for the big things....if you did this for every minor need for an attitude check there is nothing reasonable left for the big stuff...unless you view water boarding as acceptable.
This is what I would do (and what I do with my teens). Ask your daughters, "What kind of person (people) do you want to be. Do you want to be the kind of people who others can count on to help when there is work to be done? Do you want to be the kind of people who pull your weight and don't expect others to serve you? Or do you want to be the kind of people that are self-centered that you expect others to do your share of the work? Do you want to be the kind of people who, in essence, expect slave-labor of their friends and family?"
This conversation does come up in my house on occasion and I always bring it down to the slavery issue. If you are sitting on your tush, expecting others to serve you and you don't feel that you should participate in doing your share of the work, what you in essence are saying is that I (Mom) am here to serve you and if I am expected to serve you without compensation for that service, that is slavery. In my house, that conversation always has a positive response. Maybe not right away, because sometimes kids need time to think it through how their actions actually are indicators of what their inside feelings are, i.e., actions speak louder than words.
If that conversation didn't actually elicit the right kind of response, I would absolutely send them away from the table and maybe to their room to think about it. I would absolutely NOT make this a form of punishment. I would just make it a natural consequence. I might say something like, "I'm actually not willing to be your personal servant. You don't pay me for my services and you are perfectly capable of doing your share. If I allow you to eat when you refuse to help prepare the food, I am teaching you that it is okay to treat people like objects and that I support slave labor. In this house we are all partners. We're a team. When you're willing to join the team I'd love to have you because I enjoy your company."
I would probably also bring up some memories of things that they have done in the past that prove they really aren't the kind of person to dominate and abuse others...like memories of times they have helped someone or done community service. I think all kids naturally want to be good people, they see injustice and they chafe against it. Sometimes it just takes a parent to point out that their own actions are the source of the injustice.
I also don't think that, particularly in the teen years, crime/punishment type scenarios work very well. Inspiration, great examples through books, movies, friends, etc and lots and lots of conversations are the key, I think. I absolutely love having teens. They're really neat people...so excited about the world passionate about what they think is right and wrong. :-)
I also want to say that my mother used the "tough love" ala John Rosemond philosophy when I was a teen. It didn't work at all. It made me feel alienated from the family and did nothing to inspire or encourage me to do better. It also didn't provide a good example of what they did want from me. It was a complete disaster. I have had many conversations with my mom about parenting because she is very impressed with how kind, thoughtful and generous my own teens are. There is definitely a much better way, but it does take time and a lot of thought. Each problem has its own unique solution. These plug and play parenting philosophies, while popular, don't really work.
I also want to say that my mother used the "tough love" ala John Rosemond philosophy when I was a teen. It didn't work at all. It made me feel alienated from the family and did nothing to inspire or encourage me to do better. It also didn't provide a good example of what they did want from me. It was a complete disaster. I have had many conversations with my mom about parenting because she is very impressed with how kind, thoughtful and generous my own teens are. There is definitely a much better way, but it does take time and a lot of thought. Each problem has its own unique solution. These plug and play parenting philosophies, while popular, don't really work.
Each case should be taken for itself....somethings work for some kids...other times things like this will just make matters 100 times worse. Parents have to examine why they are doing something. ..is it to teach and work towards the goal of a teen being a constructive and positive member of society or just to prove they are in charge.
We have 12 year old attitude here x 2. One daughter has been especially sarcastic and nasty with what she says and her tone of voice. We have sat her down for one on one discussions, explained hormones, tone of voice and respect. It continues. Tonight as I was fixing supper she mouthed off when I asked her for some help. I had several options:
1) slap her fresh face- I would never do that
2) yell at her- does little good. my yelling days are long past
3) let it slide and decide to talk to her later- done that too many times already
4) Take her nexxus away from her- we've tried that-no results so..
5) In a very calm voice I said "Go to your room this minute. You will not get any supper and I don't want to see you until the morning". She muttered something under her voice, rolled her eyes and went upstairs.
6)DH said I did the right thing and is upstairs talking to her now. Some wailing and gnashing of teeth about "not fair"
Missing a meal will not put her health in jeopardy. All she has up there are books and leggos. I don't care what she does but I'm hoping she will think about her sassy mouth.
For this situation and this child it is the right thing to do so I'm not asking if you think it is right or wrong. I'm just wondering if you have ever done it and if it made any difference.
Damn right I did it. It did help, some. Especially on days we had something she really wanted.
Washing a childs mouth out with soap I once saw done by a teacher at primary school to a boy from a lousy background who came to school dirty and spoke in a course way.. the child have enough problems and this evil woman made him physically sick by doing this with soap... nowaday she would be charged and rightly so.. was she so ignorant not to know the dangers of whats in soap or what she was doing to this child by mocking him in front of classmates who already had him alienated,I sometimes wonder about people like her who lacked emotion or understanding... to do such a cruel thing... another thing I could never have thought of doing to a child..
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